(no subject)
we got some bad news yesterday... my uncle, and i use the term loosely passed away- i havent seen him in many yrs, he isnt even really my uncle. he lived here with his 2 kids with my mom for 5 yrs. he had his kids on the weekends, after he left we kept seeing them and got really close with my uncle's EX wife. well i guess my mom loved him its like this weird circle his family is very big- my moms best friend is his sister- my moms other best friend is also his sister. when i had first heard i wasnt sad at all. i guess thats what usually happens. my mother was very upset, not only because he died but because her 2 best friends lost their brother. yesterday i had to attend a hs grad party for the daughter of a friend. i always get upset going to these things in the first place- its just further reinforcement of how i feel about my life- well i mean how my mom and my family feels about my life. Sarah- is going to some college in the south- shes going on some drama scholarship. shes smart, and has every opportunity in the world open for her. in the car on the way there me and my mom started talkin about my uncle. and i started getting that feelingin your throat, u know the one you cant stop no matter how hard you try to not make yourself cry.. yea well she was asking me if i was going to the wake/funeral.. i told her i would go and sit in the waiting room thing because i cant be in the room. i didnt go to my godmothers because of this reason. i started to talk to my mom about why. i tried to tell her that its very hard for me because of all the wakes i had been to when i was a child. it upsets me. i told her i knew as soon as i stepped into that room i would loose it. and i started to cry. now everyone who knows me knows im not afraid by any means to show my emotions. but when ppl die i always feel like there are other ppl who should be sadder than me- like if i wasnt the persons wife or kid i shouldnt be crying. im trying to get all of this out of my system before 2morrow= i dont want to walk into that room and loose it. a room full of ppl i havent seen in a few yrs. it makes me feel strange. my aunt called and wanted to know if my mother would bring over some pictures of him-she also asked if i was specificlly coming. i went through the pictures and realized he was a big part of my life for 5 yrs. almost like a second father. then i got even more upset. i just know im going to loose it 2morrow. i hate it and i cant stop it.
someone hug me
someone hug me