The shorter story...
I'm stuck in this place that I REALLY hate. I hate working for my car payments and my insurance.. why can't I just have someone to pay my shit for me- I know working is supposed to build charecter and all that bullshit- but by now- I've been working since 16 fulltime for 2 yrs. I think I have enough to last me a while.. until the charecter fairy comes along. Whatever. I am so unsatisfied. I'm sick of all of this. I mean really, what is going on with my life ? Once summer is over- it will go back to me and my micsellaneaous men and Amanda. Yes Amanda... my best friend-- who I haven't spoken to hardcore in about a week. What's this about ? No more fun times after the summer- everyone goes back to school. I'm left here @ this Storage Crap Facility. Which by the way blows. BLOWS. Oh by the way- this is going to be a long one... pause go get a refreshment. ---------
Ok Back=
Yes, I'm 21.. why do I feel like my life is passing me by. I know for a fact I'm better than all of this. All the stupid late nights- and the kisses and the random retarded things that always seem to happen to me. I'm better than this place. (Some people don't think so). I'm not these kids.... I'll never be these kids.. I'm kind of in the middle- mediocre... maybe in some other universe I am destined for greatness but in this one its a little hard to believe. I'm not like them- with the bright and shining futures handed to them- But I'm not like the other kids either. I'm not wasting my entire life away...living in a trailer in washie..birthing many babies. HaHaHa I'm right in the middle. I feel like I've got a purpose- But I've gotta work for it. Is any of this making any kind of sense to anyone ? I don't feel like I'm being true to myself. I'm lying- that's just it. That's this "truth" I've been looking for... I'm lying.
"Oh yea... I write... I'm a photographer... Blah BLah Fucking BLAH.
You know what I am? Just someone who wants those things. And maybe if I stayed still for long enough I'd relaize I can write this. And it will be great. And... maybe if I grab my camera and just get out the door.. I'll remember what I loved about taking pictures in the first place. I love looking at people through a camera lense. It's somehow different than just looking at them.
You know for so long we keep up these images...
whatever they are. Life of the Party. Whore. Nerd. Dork . Bitch. Why don't I just stop- and maybe start being myself again. I see myself sometimes... and Amanda tells me others like the real me than what I pretend to be. And it's gotten so bad- sometimes I don't even know when I'm doing it.
And I don't know why I wrote all of this- I had a panic attack yesterday.. or I don't even know what it was. I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest... and I couldn't concentrate... I felt like crying...hysterically. I was nervous- and anxious. I hate that- after it subsided a bit- I just had this continuous nervous feeling. It was horrible- after a while it went away.- and I was fine.
All I can really say is I am soo confused. Confused about me- and about what the fuck I am doing with me.
I'm at work- eating Life cereal- writing this and listening to Damien Rice.
Maybe work isn't so bad.
So... for a hot second- let's chat about gurl stuff. Had a pretty good time with Adrienne last night.
I feel like I'm 15.. but I've got a serious crush on her friend Evan. He's a cutey.. he told me I was pretty... but I don't think he likes me like that. I don't know- I mean I'm trying to hit on him a little- but I dont want to come on too strong. We'll see-
I really just need someone I can tell all this to- ( a male) Sometimes theres no comfort than that of the opposite sex. I miss Love- and I'm sick of playing the Slut Card.
I can't take my eyes off of you--
Ok Back=
Yes, I'm 21.. why do I feel like my life is passing me by. I know for a fact I'm better than all of this. All the stupid late nights- and the kisses and the random retarded things that always seem to happen to me. I'm better than this place. (Some people don't think so). I'm not these kids.... I'll never be these kids.. I'm kind of in the middle- mediocre... maybe in some other universe I am destined for greatness but in this one its a little hard to believe. I'm not like them- with the bright and shining futures handed to them- But I'm not like the other kids either. I'm not wasting my entire life away...living in a trailer in washie..birthing many babies. HaHaHa I'm right in the middle. I feel like I've got a purpose- But I've gotta work for it. Is any of this making any kind of sense to anyone ? I don't feel like I'm being true to myself. I'm lying- that's just it. That's this "truth" I've been looking for... I'm lying.
"Oh yea... I write... I'm a photographer... Blah BLah Fucking BLAH.
You know what I am? Just someone who wants those things. And maybe if I stayed still for long enough I'd relaize I can write this. And it will be great. And... maybe if I grab my camera and just get out the door.. I'll remember what I loved about taking pictures in the first place. I love looking at people through a camera lense. It's somehow different than just looking at them.
You know for so long we keep up these images...
whatever they are. Life of the Party. Whore. Nerd. Dork . Bitch. Why don't I just stop- and maybe start being myself again. I see myself sometimes... and Amanda tells me others like the real me than what I pretend to be. And it's gotten so bad- sometimes I don't even know when I'm doing it.
And I don't know why I wrote all of this- I had a panic attack yesterday.. or I don't even know what it was. I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest... and I couldn't concentrate... I felt like crying...hysterically. I was nervous- and anxious. I hate that- after it subsided a bit- I just had this continuous nervous feeling. It was horrible- after a while it went away.- and I was fine.
All I can really say is I am soo confused. Confused about me- and about what the fuck I am doing with me.
I'm at work- eating Life cereal- writing this and listening to Damien Rice.
Maybe work isn't so bad.
So... for a hot second- let's chat about gurl stuff. Had a pretty good time with Adrienne last night.
I feel like I'm 15.. but I've got a serious crush on her friend Evan. He's a cutey.. he told me I was pretty... but I don't think he likes me like that. I don't know- I mean I'm trying to hit on him a little- but I dont want to come on too strong. We'll see-
I really just need someone I can tell all this to- ( a male) Sometimes theres no comfort than that of the opposite sex. I miss Love- and I'm sick of playing the Slut Card.
I can't take my eyes off of you--