it always seems you got somethin on your mind other than me....
I'm @ work. tired and here for 11 hrs. ALONE. How am I supposed to get lunch ?
whatever.
I'm so confused right now. I've been "dating" alot lately. and nothing is helping. I'm really out of ideas. I can't find anyone i have a connection with- a sexual connection. sure. I've found that many times these past 2 weeks. But nothing that looks like its going to stay. It just makes me so sad. I'm not saying I want to get married. But come on maybe a little substance. Like actually wanting to know things about me.. instead of just wanting to put his hand up my shirt. And no I am not talking about anyone specificly. It's just in general. I dont know. I feel like you can see it in my face- in my eyes like I have only a few of these left. It feels good to be wanted. And Scott says " think of it as you're gettin' yours for the summer" HaHa I've got mine already. I can't do this forever. right ? Damn I wish I was in this state of mind. But I always think I am then after anything happens I feel like shit. First I feel like a pimp ahahaha then I'm liike Ewwwww what the fuck. I dunno for a chubby chick I get alot of guys. it's weird. maybe I am damn cute afterall.... right ? I need to stop thinking so much- its summer and time for fun fun fun. but I just hate that when the fun is over- I go home and dont have anyone that I want to call so I can hear their voice before I go to sleep.
And you all know I still think about Ken- Amanda had a dream about him. Very strange.
He doesnt even really have a face anymore- hes just memories and feelings and u know I only remember the good memories. I think it was because I knew he loved ME. Forget all the sexual stuff- that went way deeper than sex could ever go- and I guess he's the only one I ever really loved- yea it was fucked up and most relationships are. But at the end of the day- fighting or not fighting I knew he loved me. He loved the way I smiled. and the way I got excited over the littlest things. It's so hard. I'm over him I guess. I'm still in love with the feelings. Just the way I used to feel. and a part of me feels like I need to keep going- weeding thru all these guys till I find some hint of what we had together.
I don't know why I am saying all of this. I really don't. I'm young. relatively attractive- why am I even stressin'?
i'm going to try to just have fun.
This neww kid called me and asked if me and a friend wanted to hang out- so I brought amanda. it was enjoyable. hes a good kisser. and he doesnt mind when I'm mean. hahah Amanda said he's just like me with the mean-ness. its pretty funny. Don't know whats going to happen.
I'm prob stayin in this evening. #1 I'm broke #2 I have to work in the AM
Oooo SAturday is going to be soooooooooo fun. me and adrienne are getting drunk in the parking lot. <3 it.
I'm out.. should start working.
That kinda lovin'.... makes me wanna pull down the shades.
whatever.
I'm so confused right now. I've been "dating" alot lately. and nothing is helping. I'm really out of ideas. I can't find anyone i have a connection with- a sexual connection. sure. I've found that many times these past 2 weeks. But nothing that looks like its going to stay. It just makes me so sad. I'm not saying I want to get married. But come on maybe a little substance. Like actually wanting to know things about me.. instead of just wanting to put his hand up my shirt. And no I am not talking about anyone specificly. It's just in general. I dont know. I feel like you can see it in my face- in my eyes like I have only a few of these left. It feels good to be wanted. And Scott says " think of it as you're gettin' yours for the summer" HaHa I've got mine already. I can't do this forever. right ? Damn I wish I was in this state of mind. But I always think I am then after anything happens I feel like shit. First I feel like a pimp ahahaha then I'm liike Ewwwww what the fuck. I dunno for a chubby chick I get alot of guys. it's weird. maybe I am damn cute afterall.... right ? I need to stop thinking so much- its summer and time for fun fun fun. but I just hate that when the fun is over- I go home and dont have anyone that I want to call so I can hear their voice before I go to sleep.
And you all know I still think about Ken- Amanda had a dream about him. Very strange.
He doesnt even really have a face anymore- hes just memories and feelings and u know I only remember the good memories. I think it was because I knew he loved ME. Forget all the sexual stuff- that went way deeper than sex could ever go- and I guess he's the only one I ever really loved- yea it was fucked up and most relationships are. But at the end of the day- fighting or not fighting I knew he loved me. He loved the way I smiled. and the way I got excited over the littlest things. It's so hard. I'm over him I guess. I'm still in love with the feelings. Just the way I used to feel. and a part of me feels like I need to keep going- weeding thru all these guys till I find some hint of what we had together.
I don't know why I am saying all of this. I really don't. I'm young. relatively attractive- why am I even stressin'?
i'm going to try to just have fun.
This neww kid called me and asked if me and a friend wanted to hang out- so I brought amanda. it was enjoyable. hes a good kisser. and he doesnt mind when I'm mean. hahah Amanda said he's just like me with the mean-ness. its pretty funny. Don't know whats going to happen.
I'm prob stayin in this evening. #1 I'm broke #2 I have to work in the AM
Oooo SAturday is going to be soooooooooo fun. me and adrienne are getting drunk in the parking lot. <3 it.
I'm out.. should start working.
That kinda lovin'.... makes me wanna pull down the shades.