(no subject)
i haven't been home this early in a long time, and i'm already kind of depressed.
i think i kind of have an idea of why i've been so indifferent lately. but stringing thoughts together into words has never been very easy for me.
i'll have to start by saying i don't like where i am right now. no, i don't mean i hate being in my house, although that is true. what i mean is.. i hate the direction my life is in. i'm not even traveling in any distinct direction. i just smacked into this invisible wall in my life, and i can see all these amazing paths that i could take, but i'm like a fucking mime in a box; i can't go anywhere, whether i want to or not. it's not that... it's not that i'm not good at anything.. i mean, i've always been just the tiniest bit above average. and i guess that's better than what i could have been dealt. but just for once in my life, i want to be the best at something, and feel like i'm the best at something. everything that i try to do, i'm either not good at period, or i'm just average.
take drama, for example. my old graduated friends, they were amazing, and they showed me that maybe it was something that i could do to make friends and pass the time at school. it seemed like an amazing opportunity for fun and self discovery. but every time i try out, i get a part that either a) has no speaking whatsoever or b) is the most miniscule part you could imagine. i mean, i didn't think i was THAT bad. but whatever.
and decathlon. for a while i was so excited and so into it, because i could read, remember and do really well in it. for once, i thought i had found my niche. then.. the kv invite. i got awards, but i didn't deserve any of them. therese and all these other people should have gotten them. i got a fucking 679 on my speech. i didn't crack 5000 for my overall score. i don't care that this is my first year or any of that shit. knowing how much better i could have done will always disgust me.
my grades aren't near as good as they ever were. i have a c in chemistry, and i've been trying so hard, but i don't think i'll be able to have a b for the semester. pretty much everything else is a b, too. and that PISSES. ME. OFF.
my family life is in absolute shambles. (when i say this, i am being absolutely 100% serious) i've literally seen my brother less then one handful of times in the past month. my mom is always working, at zuni's, or sleeping. my dad is at work until 8 every night, and he comes home, eats, and goes to bed. i see steve the most, but that's not really saying a lot, seeing as he's the reason i feebly attempted to commit suicide in middle school.
what social life? i haven't been able to hang out with ANYONE since before decathlon and drama practice. every time someone asks me to hang out i have to turn them down so i can sit in the auditorium for three hours and NEVER run my goddamn scene with my three lines.
save me.
i think i kind of have an idea of why i've been so indifferent lately. but stringing thoughts together into words has never been very easy for me.
i'll have to start by saying i don't like where i am right now. no, i don't mean i hate being in my house, although that is true. what i mean is.. i hate the direction my life is in. i'm not even traveling in any distinct direction. i just smacked into this invisible wall in my life, and i can see all these amazing paths that i could take, but i'm like a fucking mime in a box; i can't go anywhere, whether i want to or not. it's not that... it's not that i'm not good at anything.. i mean, i've always been just the tiniest bit above average. and i guess that's better than what i could have been dealt. but just for once in my life, i want to be the best at something, and feel like i'm the best at something. everything that i try to do, i'm either not good at period, or i'm just average.
take drama, for example. my old graduated friends, they were amazing, and they showed me that maybe it was something that i could do to make friends and pass the time at school. it seemed like an amazing opportunity for fun and self discovery. but every time i try out, i get a part that either a) has no speaking whatsoever or b) is the most miniscule part you could imagine. i mean, i didn't think i was THAT bad. but whatever.
and decathlon. for a while i was so excited and so into it, because i could read, remember and do really well in it. for once, i thought i had found my niche. then.. the kv invite. i got awards, but i didn't deserve any of them. therese and all these other people should have gotten them. i got a fucking 679 on my speech. i didn't crack 5000 for my overall score. i don't care that this is my first year or any of that shit. knowing how much better i could have done will always disgust me.
my grades aren't near as good as they ever were. i have a c in chemistry, and i've been trying so hard, but i don't think i'll be able to have a b for the semester. pretty much everything else is a b, too. and that PISSES. ME. OFF.
my family life is in absolute shambles. (when i say this, i am being absolutely 100% serious) i've literally seen my brother less then one handful of times in the past month. my mom is always working, at zuni's, or sleeping. my dad is at work until 8 every night, and he comes home, eats, and goes to bed. i see steve the most, but that's not really saying a lot, seeing as he's the reason i feebly attempted to commit suicide in middle school.
what social life? i haven't been able to hang out with ANYONE since before decathlon and drama practice. every time someone asks me to hang out i have to turn them down so i can sit in the auditorium for three hours and NEVER run my goddamn scene with my three lines.
save me.