(no subject)
Dear you,
"Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds." -- Hugh Elliott
I thought I was free.
I thought I was liberated.
I thought I was unattached.
But I am not. I am circumscribed and restricted and I don't know how I thought I was anything else.
"Do you really love me?"
"In the most fucked up and unhealthy way possible, though you could never tell, even if every word is about you, yes."
"Just smoke a blunt and forget about me. Chug a beer, actually."
"I will never forget you, ever."
And it's true, I won't. Sometimes I want to forget you and sometimes I think life would be easier if maybe we never met, but I know that isn't true. It may be easier, but it wouldn't be worth it as much. I am grateful for meeting you and experiencing life with you in it. I am grateful for every bump along the way because we made it through all of them and here we are, both a little more unstable, but both a little stronger. Maybe I am not strong at all, though, and maybe it is not our fault that we are weak for eachother. We depend on eachother to be a means of escape when reality gets unbearable and in the end we are let down, but always find ourselves asking for more. Perhaps we get what we deserve.
I wonder if I will ever break free of your chains and let my heart love freely. I wonder if my memories will forever be manipulated with your smell, your touch, your breath on my sweaty skin. I don't think I will ever forget and I don't think there will ever be a day I truly forget.
This isn't about a breakup and this isn't about rekindling a love that isn't meant to be. This is about being sorry for not being able to serve as your foundation in life. I cannot provide you with the love that you need because I do not know how to properly love and I am not ready to. I love in the only way I can and it's a way that we will both never understand. This is about that and this is about never going a day without you lingering somewhere in my mind, in my heart, in me.
In every guy I come across, I can see you in them. I can feel you touching me when they touch me, I can see your eyes in their eyes, and I can smell you on the sheets of every bed I lay in. Every inch of flesh I touch from this day on will feel like your flesh. Every set of lips will feel like your lips, bringing back the memory of that grin you have. Every time I close my eyes I will envision myself with you and everytime I experience heartache, it will bring you to mind. You will reign over my existence from the inside out and no one will ever truly have me because part of me will always be with you. The truth is, no one will ever be able to have me because I lose a part of me wherever I go, no matter who I am with.
And so I do regret ever telling anyone that I loved them, but I will never regret telling you, even if I do not know a thing about love. I know about friendship and lust and change. I know about crying and despair and losing everything without losing anything at all. I know about feelings and I know about life and I know it because of you.
You said it's pathetic that I had to show you old words in an attempt to make you feel better, but if you compare these words to previous ones, you'll find that they are the same. I feel the same today as I did in June and as I probably will years from now.
My words aren't old because my memories are fresh and my attachment to them is even more so.
I am not free at all and I do not care. My heart is weighed down by something worthwhile and because of this I can learn.
Sincerely,
Me
"Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds." -- Hugh Elliott
I thought I was free.
I thought I was liberated.
I thought I was unattached.
But I am not. I am circumscribed and restricted and I don't know how I thought I was anything else.
"Do you really love me?"
"In the most fucked up and unhealthy way possible, though you could never tell, even if every word is about you, yes."
"Just smoke a blunt and forget about me. Chug a beer, actually."
"I will never forget you, ever."
And it's true, I won't. Sometimes I want to forget you and sometimes I think life would be easier if maybe we never met, but I know that isn't true. It may be easier, but it wouldn't be worth it as much. I am grateful for meeting you and experiencing life with you in it. I am grateful for every bump along the way because we made it through all of them and here we are, both a little more unstable, but both a little stronger. Maybe I am not strong at all, though, and maybe it is not our fault that we are weak for eachother. We depend on eachother to be a means of escape when reality gets unbearable and in the end we are let down, but always find ourselves asking for more. Perhaps we get what we deserve.
I wonder if I will ever break free of your chains and let my heart love freely. I wonder if my memories will forever be manipulated with your smell, your touch, your breath on my sweaty skin. I don't think I will ever forget and I don't think there will ever be a day I truly forget.
This isn't about a breakup and this isn't about rekindling a love that isn't meant to be. This is about being sorry for not being able to serve as your foundation in life. I cannot provide you with the love that you need because I do not know how to properly love and I am not ready to. I love in the only way I can and it's a way that we will both never understand. This is about that and this is about never going a day without you lingering somewhere in my mind, in my heart, in me.
In every guy I come across, I can see you in them. I can feel you touching me when they touch me, I can see your eyes in their eyes, and I can smell you on the sheets of every bed I lay in. Every inch of flesh I touch from this day on will feel like your flesh. Every set of lips will feel like your lips, bringing back the memory of that grin you have. Every time I close my eyes I will envision myself with you and everytime I experience heartache, it will bring you to mind. You will reign over my existence from the inside out and no one will ever truly have me because part of me will always be with you. The truth is, no one will ever be able to have me because I lose a part of me wherever I go, no matter who I am with.
And so I do regret ever telling anyone that I loved them, but I will never regret telling you, even if I do not know a thing about love. I know about friendship and lust and change. I know about crying and despair and losing everything without losing anything at all. I know about feelings and I know about life and I know it because of you.
You said it's pathetic that I had to show you old words in an attempt to make you feel better, but if you compare these words to previous ones, you'll find that they are the same. I feel the same today as I did in June and as I probably will years from now.
My words aren't old because my memories are fresh and my attachment to them is even more so.
I am not free at all and I do not care. My heart is weighed down by something worthwhile and because of this I can learn.
Sincerely,
Me