I hear it's rainy and depressing in seattle. I'd like to live there.
Meh.
Last entry was the short version of what I got out of -yet another- long drawn out conversation with x person who decided to say the kind of thing to me that would destroy any chance of speaking to me on a civil level ever again. Which is cool, I guess. Anyway, It hurt for a night. I took some aspirin, had a glass of ice water and went upstairs and pretended to lift weights to light music for a while. After that, I fell asleep with my stuffed cheetah, Swang, and fell asleep. Upon waking up, I decided not to let one person's unfortunate opinion of me determine how I felt about myself or -things- in general. I made mistakes, but I didn't do anything "wrong" to her. Game on, drama over.
Do I feel bad that I feel nothing at all anymore? Not really. I guess it was really nice to be completely honest and straight forward about things for once. In fact...now that I think about it, I think that the reason she's so worked up about it may be because she's been so DIShonest and closed off about everything for the last, oh, two months. But eh.
I kinda wish that life was easier than it is. Like I could just pull up to a drive-thru and be like "yeah, hi...I'll take a sane girlfriend who just wants to hang out and see where things go. Extra humor, but please hold the drama. Can I get that with a side of mellow, too? Great. And to drink, I'll have a large glass of laid back." I suppose it doesn't help my efforts much to live a life of relative hermitry...but that requires effort. And I'm still trying to convince myself the obvious truth that laziness and reluctance to embrace reality are two completely seperate things. Once I get that through the head of that stubborn little shit that is me, I think I'll be ready to move up.
It's kinda weird, though...
I always complain about not having the chances and stuff, but I've recently been questioning how true that is. After being told once that I "had the chance, but just didn't take it," I wondered if that may have been the case with other people. Or maybe my "it just isn't my place to do so" excuse carried over there, as well. Upon further review of my last three years of luckless relationships, I've come to the conclusion that I have passed up at LEAST three wonderful opportunities to be happy with someone because I, in one way or another, felt like it "wasn't my place".
Or I could just stop falling for girls with boyfriends. You know, that might have something to do with it, too.
Ah well. Live and learn, I guess. I'd like to think that I took a lot from this recent failed encounter with the Female kind. I'd like to believe that it wasn't just another recurrence of the past, and that this may be the time for change. I'd like to think that I'm a better person. Not just a "good" person (which, to be honest, I'm sick and f*cking tired of being told), but a person worth...
Iono. A person worth x - x being whatever it is that people feel y about - y being whatever feeling it is that people like me write entries about.
Still have a headache, though.
I was kidnapped today. Tuesday being the release of WoW patch 1.5, I got the chance to kill people in Battlegrounds for a couple hours. Lag acted up, I got bored and in came some friends to take me out to go do nothing somewhere else. Awesome, I say. Got to hang out with some people I haven't seen in a while and experience daylight on an otherwise empty weekday. I kinda feel like I've lost the ability to speak and make sense at the same time, though. Maybe it's just because I was talking about star wars and my brain is a bit fried. Either way, I had a hard time communicating verbally for the majority of today. I miss the saftey of routine, and the great things that it granted me.
And maybe phone conversations aren't so bad, afterall.
BLEH. I just got a totally off-topic thought, and I don't feel like double-posting.
Jon, you're a fucking klepto. Stop stealing shit. Seriously.
And wtf is up with Rob, man. I feel like I should just talk to him some time - pull him aside and be like "dude, wtf?" But I'd feel weird stepping into a person's life like that. He looks happy, I guess. My experience in the matter tells me it's all a wall of bullshit built up to mask off painful shit and awkward realities that we think no one wants to see, but still. It's either that or he's just being young and stupid...which is fair enough, I suppose.
But still. I mean, yeah, I'm kinda pissed that my last two experiences with him have been like "hey, dude, I know you don't drink, but uh...COME GET WASTED!" That isn't what really bothers me, though. It's the fact that he no longer seems to see the err in h---
Meh. Fuckinay, I have to use my excuse again, but in a different context. "It's not my place" to intervene. What he does is his buisness. Without trying to be an overdramatic tight-ass or an unloyal ex-friend, I'd like for him to know that in the long run, it's a fork in the road. I'm sorry it's the case, but one can either follow the road of x life or be a homie of mine. Can't have both.
Read: I won't follow you down the path of alchoholism and youthful idiocy. Not to supervise, not to sit in the backround and pretend to enjoy myself, not even to pull you aside at times and warn you that what you're getting yourself into may not be the kind of life that you'd want for yourself. Being friends since birth is cool, but it's not everything. For the first time ever, I must say...if we were to never talk again, I would miss the memories, but I would not miss the person who brought them. Who are you now, bro? What are you doing?
But like I said, I won't get in the way. It just sucks.
Last entry was the short version of what I got out of -yet another- long drawn out conversation with x person who decided to say the kind of thing to me that would destroy any chance of speaking to me on a civil level ever again. Which is cool, I guess. Anyway, It hurt for a night. I took some aspirin, had a glass of ice water and went upstairs and pretended to lift weights to light music for a while. After that, I fell asleep with my stuffed cheetah, Swang, and fell asleep. Upon waking up, I decided not to let one person's unfortunate opinion of me determine how I felt about myself or -things- in general. I made mistakes, but I didn't do anything "wrong" to her. Game on, drama over.
Do I feel bad that I feel nothing at all anymore? Not really. I guess it was really nice to be completely honest and straight forward about things for once. In fact...now that I think about it, I think that the reason she's so worked up about it may be because she's been so DIShonest and closed off about everything for the last, oh, two months. But eh.
I kinda wish that life was easier than it is. Like I could just pull up to a drive-thru and be like "yeah, hi...I'll take a sane girlfriend who just wants to hang out and see where things go. Extra humor, but please hold the drama. Can I get that with a side of mellow, too? Great. And to drink, I'll have a large glass of laid back." I suppose it doesn't help my efforts much to live a life of relative hermitry...but that requires effort. And I'm still trying to convince myself the obvious truth that laziness and reluctance to embrace reality are two completely seperate things. Once I get that through the head of that stubborn little shit that is me, I think I'll be ready to move up.
It's kinda weird, though...
I always complain about not having the chances and stuff, but I've recently been questioning how true that is. After being told once that I "had the chance, but just didn't take it," I wondered if that may have been the case with other people. Or maybe my "it just isn't my place to do so" excuse carried over there, as well. Upon further review of my last three years of luckless relationships, I've come to the conclusion that I have passed up at LEAST three wonderful opportunities to be happy with someone because I, in one way or another, felt like it "wasn't my place".
Or I could just stop falling for girls with boyfriends. You know, that might have something to do with it, too.
Ah well. Live and learn, I guess. I'd like to think that I took a lot from this recent failed encounter with the Female kind. I'd like to believe that it wasn't just another recurrence of the past, and that this may be the time for change. I'd like to think that I'm a better person. Not just a "good" person (which, to be honest, I'm sick and f*cking tired of being told), but a person worth...
Iono. A person worth x - x being whatever it is that people feel y about - y being whatever feeling it is that people like me write entries about.
Still have a headache, though.
I was kidnapped today. Tuesday being the release of WoW patch 1.5, I got the chance to kill people in Battlegrounds for a couple hours. Lag acted up, I got bored and in came some friends to take me out to go do nothing somewhere else. Awesome, I say. Got to hang out with some people I haven't seen in a while and experience daylight on an otherwise empty weekday. I kinda feel like I've lost the ability to speak and make sense at the same time, though. Maybe it's just because I was talking about star wars and my brain is a bit fried. Either way, I had a hard time communicating verbally for the majority of today. I miss the saftey of routine, and the great things that it granted me.
And maybe phone conversations aren't so bad, afterall.
BLEH. I just got a totally off-topic thought, and I don't feel like double-posting.
Jon, you're a fucking klepto. Stop stealing shit. Seriously.
And wtf is up with Rob, man. I feel like I should just talk to him some time - pull him aside and be like "dude, wtf?" But I'd feel weird stepping into a person's life like that. He looks happy, I guess. My experience in the matter tells me it's all a wall of bullshit built up to mask off painful shit and awkward realities that we think no one wants to see, but still. It's either that or he's just being young and stupid...which is fair enough, I suppose.
But still. I mean, yeah, I'm kinda pissed that my last two experiences with him have been like "hey, dude, I know you don't drink, but uh...COME GET WASTED!" That isn't what really bothers me, though. It's the fact that he no longer seems to see the err in h---
Meh. Fuckinay, I have to use my excuse again, but in a different context. "It's not my place" to intervene. What he does is his buisness. Without trying to be an overdramatic tight-ass or an unloyal ex-friend, I'd like for him to know that in the long run, it's a fork in the road. I'm sorry it's the case, but one can either follow the road of x life or be a homie of mine. Can't have both.
Read: I won't follow you down the path of alchoholism and youthful idiocy. Not to supervise, not to sit in the backround and pretend to enjoy myself, not even to pull you aside at times and warn you that what you're getting yourself into may not be the kind of life that you'd want for yourself. Being friends since birth is cool, but it's not everything. For the first time ever, I must say...if we were to never talk again, I would miss the memories, but I would not miss the person who brought them. Who are you now, bro? What are you doing?
But like I said, I won't get in the way. It just sucks.