the wall we must climb
It's weird how my brain works...
I remember how I was so worked up last time I posted, but when I think about it now, I honestly can't remember for the life of me what in the hell it was that I was worked up about. The specifics totally dodge me.
But eh. I guess it killed "it" for me. Two days ago, I got into another argument that turned into a discussion that developed into a debate that morphed into an apology that backstepped into a question that ninja-flipped into a confession.
I confessed: I don't care.
I did care at one point, but at the moment of speech two nights ago, I simply didn't give a shit. It was hard, I admit, knowing that she did care, and that saying that I didn't would be painful for her...but I had grown really sick and tired of holding it in. I have to wonder if it's more hurtful to be told that your love is not mutual or to hold that secret in. I do know that it sucks being told all of these wonderful, beautiful things while you just sit back and think "too bad I don't feel the same..."
It's not like I meant it to be that way. I never wanted it to get like that. I had no intention of creating that scenario. It just...happened. They say that love "just happens" so I guess it's reasonable to think that sometimes it "just happens" to one person but not the other. Though I'm not sure if that's the whole truth. I may have thought the word at some point, but I certainly never said it. I make an effort not to say things unless I'm absolutely 100% sure that I mean them - and I never felt that strongly about her. I think I may have fell out of love, though. If it's possible to fall out of love without ever being in love, then I guess that's what I'd call it.
She's real bitter, though. She's got a bad habit of burning bridges and holding grudges. If I cared, that would really hurt.
I realized the truth about just how much I didn't care earlier today. It's a lack of jealousy - when she tries everything in her power to squeeze envy from you and you can't help but shrug and smirk...that's when you know.
I'd feel bad...you know, like cold and heartless or something...that is, if she weren't such a bitch about it. So instead, I actually find it kind of amusing.
I tried so hard for so long to give her everything pillow-soft...to make things sound a lot lighter than they really were. I tried the whole time to tell her what she needed to hear in a way that she would interpret as someone else's fault instead of her own. So maybe that actually made the "get over it" or the "let it go" not only sharp-edged, but also kind of surprising. But eh.
Sympathy or empathy aren't things that interest me. To be honest, I don't even think it's important to have people understand what it is that I'm talking about. The only thing I'm after is a way to get me to understand what in the hell I'm saying.
Asking "what's wrong with me" doesn't grab my attention like it once did. I've lost interest in my own problems, in a sense. I don't care what it is that makes me act as fucked up as I do, but instead just want to know what to do about it. I want to be able to predict myself...if that makes any sense.
Three girls in my past have told me that they were in "love" with me. Somehow, I've managed to never lie to their faces about feeling the same. I've never responded with the words that (you'd think) these girls wanted to hear. It's like they were content with me not answering. I think that, in a way, they preferred it like that. For some really fucking impossible-to-understand reason, I think these girls wanted to love someone that could not love them back. Having this been the first time I've ever thought of it like that, I shouldn't have to mention that I always blamed myself for not saying such things in return. Though I knew I'd have been lying, I always felt that I owed it to those girls somehow. I felt like I was a monster for not loving them back. So when the day came when things had to end (because of the gap in emotion, they did indeed have to end), I could never tell who hurt more - the one who loved and lost or the one who never loved at all.
I wonder if I'm even capable of mutual love. I can name two people in my life who I would have been able to say "I love you" to, and neither of them would have ever given me the opportunity.
Or maybe that's me being a moron again. Damn me for reading Perks too many times!
I know I don't participate in life. I sure as hell know that I use thought to (not) do so.
~~As long as I can think up worlds in which I'm capable of feeling x, I'll never actually have to feel it!~~
Like I said, though, I no longer care why that is. I just want to know how to not do it.
I want to know how to allow myself to love someone, and to tell them so.
...
Hm. Food for thought.
I shall meditate on this.
I remember how I was so worked up last time I posted, but when I think about it now, I honestly can't remember for the life of me what in the hell it was that I was worked up about. The specifics totally dodge me.
But eh. I guess it killed "it" for me. Two days ago, I got into another argument that turned into a discussion that developed into a debate that morphed into an apology that backstepped into a question that ninja-flipped into a confession.
I confessed: I don't care.
I did care at one point, but at the moment of speech two nights ago, I simply didn't give a shit. It was hard, I admit, knowing that she did care, and that saying that I didn't would be painful for her...but I had grown really sick and tired of holding it in. I have to wonder if it's more hurtful to be told that your love is not mutual or to hold that secret in. I do know that it sucks being told all of these wonderful, beautiful things while you just sit back and think "too bad I don't feel the same..."
It's not like I meant it to be that way. I never wanted it to get like that. I had no intention of creating that scenario. It just...happened. They say that love "just happens" so I guess it's reasonable to think that sometimes it "just happens" to one person but not the other. Though I'm not sure if that's the whole truth. I may have thought the word at some point, but I certainly never said it. I make an effort not to say things unless I'm absolutely 100% sure that I mean them - and I never felt that strongly about her. I think I may have fell out of love, though. If it's possible to fall out of love without ever being in love, then I guess that's what I'd call it.
She's real bitter, though. She's got a bad habit of burning bridges and holding grudges. If I cared, that would really hurt.
I realized the truth about just how much I didn't care earlier today. It's a lack of jealousy - when she tries everything in her power to squeeze envy from you and you can't help but shrug and smirk...that's when you know.
I'd feel bad...you know, like cold and heartless or something...that is, if she weren't such a bitch about it. So instead, I actually find it kind of amusing.
I tried so hard for so long to give her everything pillow-soft...to make things sound a lot lighter than they really were. I tried the whole time to tell her what she needed to hear in a way that she would interpret as someone else's fault instead of her own. So maybe that actually made the "get over it" or the "let it go" not only sharp-edged, but also kind of surprising. But eh.
Sympathy or empathy aren't things that interest me. To be honest, I don't even think it's important to have people understand what it is that I'm talking about. The only thing I'm after is a way to get me to understand what in the hell I'm saying.
Asking "what's wrong with me" doesn't grab my attention like it once did. I've lost interest in my own problems, in a sense. I don't care what it is that makes me act as fucked up as I do, but instead just want to know what to do about it. I want to be able to predict myself...if that makes any sense.
Three girls in my past have told me that they were in "love" with me. Somehow, I've managed to never lie to their faces about feeling the same. I've never responded with the words that (you'd think) these girls wanted to hear. It's like they were content with me not answering. I think that, in a way, they preferred it like that. For some really fucking impossible-to-understand reason, I think these girls wanted to love someone that could not love them back. Having this been the first time I've ever thought of it like that, I shouldn't have to mention that I always blamed myself for not saying such things in return. Though I knew I'd have been lying, I always felt that I owed it to those girls somehow. I felt like I was a monster for not loving them back. So when the day came when things had to end (because of the gap in emotion, they did indeed have to end), I could never tell who hurt more - the one who loved and lost or the one who never loved at all.
I wonder if I'm even capable of mutual love. I can name two people in my life who I would have been able to say "I love you" to, and neither of them would have ever given me the opportunity.
Or maybe that's me being a moron again. Damn me for reading Perks too many times!
I know I don't participate in life. I sure as hell know that I use thought to (not) do so.
~~As long as I can think up worlds in which I'm capable of feeling x, I'll never actually have to feel it!~~
Like I said, though, I no longer care why that is. I just want to know how to not do it.
I want to know how to allow myself to love someone, and to tell them so.
...
Hm. Food for thought.
I shall meditate on this.