sstill royyyall confused
for the past almost 24 hours i have felt like someone has been sitting on my chest... stopping me from breathing... and that there is something torn inside of me. its not a broken heart.... i do not believe that it was at that point for me. i have this odd need to be alone to just think... but i dont want to be alone at the same time. i cant tell if i have been be betrayed... used and tossed aside... or if what has been told to me still holds true. I understand the situation to the best of my ability.. however i do not accept it. this is the problem that i need to face is accepting the fact that i respect the fact of two people in love. I mearly hae a connection withsomeone and that possibly turned into more... but then developed of me getting apparently more attached than i thought i was and i guess i got in the comfort of the fact that "if he left it was never going to me be or her... it was always going to just be him" then a week later everything changed. I feel like a sack of bricks is lifted off my back in a way as well letting karen know that jay is living with me. it has been some fun crazy interesting times... but ate me up inside knowing that she never knew. My relationship with karen has been rocky. She is like that sister that you fight with sciently but will always love and can never get away from and ur okay with that cuz u know that deep down inside that they will always be there for you (hopefully) no matter what situation arises. I feel a need to have this public so that karen can read it... and that people might ask the sudden downfall in my mood is caused by a fight. but i appreciate jay's honesty and not dragging out something that would not work. i do hope that we can stay good friends... because i feel that that is what we are at this point in time. right now things are rocky. Maybe this is all for the better. Im a very strong believer that everything happens for a reason. and maybe there is a life lesson in this somewhere, and i have not found it yet. Last night my dreams consisted of relfections of the past month, conversations, car rides, nights out, text conversations, and nights together. Jay is like me in the sense that if it wasnt going to work out it should end right then and there.... because the longer you wait... the more it hurts... as for me paying for the plain ticket.. hotel... well im sure that everything will end up being settled in the end... that is almost the least of my worries. Im wondering what the end in all this will be. Im sure ill go through the scilent need to write phase.,.. and that most everything i want people to read will be on this journal... and the rest of my thoughts will either be told face to face or in confidence of letters or phone conversations. Im in an odd stage right now. Because i dont think im "heartbroken" i just think i feel tossed aside. and that to me is almost worse. In time these feelings will pass and in time im sure that everything will consist of some crazy normal pattern. I just hope that in the end... we get what is the best for all parties long term. Im going to be Up and Down for a while i understand that... im not on my anit-depressants.. and so this is a normal pattern otherwise... i just need some answers straight from the horses mouth.. .and i think that will come on tuesday when i pick jay up from the airport and we talk like civil adults... i have to be stronger than i usually am becuase that will bring me to being the person i like to be. At least he brought out something good in me. A chance to make me smile i suppose and to now what its like to give something a chance and take a risk. The tears if i have cried are from confusion of me feeling second rate, grade B egg. No one ever likes saying its over... But i know that in time things heal themselves and to be mature and not revengful is the way to be. deep down i know this is better, i wish it was not this way in the first place... but i appreciate the honesty.