numb and utterly FUCKING USELESS
well i did have a great day untill about 10 mins ago. i guess ill dive right in to it.
first let me clear things up. apprently what ron told me was wrong. jeanie never wanted to be with me. she just wanted to be friends. so someone is lying to me. weither it is her or if it was ronnie. but who cares. and i found out tonight that the reason i was pissing her off was of how i was treating ronnie. i wasnt being a good friend. and i was pushing him away. i find that funny because all i was trying to do was get him to talk to me.she said i was acting like his mother, like i owned him. i was just trying to act like a brother. like someone who loved him. cause to me it seems like he feels that not very many ppl are there for him. i love ron. alot. and i was just trying to get him to get to pick up his life. but everything i did must have been wrong. i must not be able to help. what i thought was caring was actully making matters worse. the one thing i thought i could i cant. what the fuck is wrong with me. how come everyone i try to help i always hurt instead.
and jeanie about what u said about my actions. i believe your words were, "you just droped me like a lead wieght". im sorry. thats what i do when i get hurt. and when i think that there is no way ill be able to fix anything. i just let go. and move on. i try not to dwell on the source of the pain. i try to think that the pain was never there in the 1st place. i understand that this is not a good thing to do. not very grown up. but this is all i know. love has never been a kind friend to me. never. it seems i always screw up what i love. i seem to break it. and then the cycle starts over again. and yes i did find someone new. and yes i am happy with her. but believe it or not i do feel bad for leaving you like i did. i just dont know how to do anything right. all i do know. everything that i did. i did for me. i acted selfishly. i just didnt want to hurt anymore. and the ironic thing is. after everything i have done. i am still numb and utterly fucking useless.
-davey
first let me clear things up. apprently what ron told me was wrong. jeanie never wanted to be with me. she just wanted to be friends. so someone is lying to me. weither it is her or if it was ronnie. but who cares. and i found out tonight that the reason i was pissing her off was of how i was treating ronnie. i wasnt being a good friend. and i was pushing him away. i find that funny because all i was trying to do was get him to talk to me.she said i was acting like his mother, like i owned him. i was just trying to act like a brother. like someone who loved him. cause to me it seems like he feels that not very many ppl are there for him. i love ron. alot. and i was just trying to get him to get to pick up his life. but everything i did must have been wrong. i must not be able to help. what i thought was caring was actully making matters worse. the one thing i thought i could i cant. what the fuck is wrong with me. how come everyone i try to help i always hurt instead.
and jeanie about what u said about my actions. i believe your words were, "you just droped me like a lead wieght". im sorry. thats what i do when i get hurt. and when i think that there is no way ill be able to fix anything. i just let go. and move on. i try not to dwell on the source of the pain. i try to think that the pain was never there in the 1st place. i understand that this is not a good thing to do. not very grown up. but this is all i know. love has never been a kind friend to me. never. it seems i always screw up what i love. i seem to break it. and then the cycle starts over again. and yes i did find someone new. and yes i am happy with her. but believe it or not i do feel bad for leaving you like i did. i just dont know how to do anything right. all i do know. everything that i did. i did for me. i acted selfishly. i just didnt want to hurt anymore. and the ironic thing is. after everything i have done. i am still numb and utterly fucking useless.
-davey