uh... donut
ah yes... donut... let's ponder these word... break it down perhaps... do, and nut... appearing in the phone book as nut, do.... so i guess the bigger question is... what does a nut do?
ok, so beyond the random beginning
just kind of got hit by a "wall" of ify-ness, i don't know, i've just been kind of, well not "not myself" cuz i am what i am, but i don't know, i just don't like some of the things i've said, thoughts i've had, and actions i've taken. I don't really know any examples, but i just know that i don't like something. Maybe poker? like i really need to just save my money, and stop fucking around, like, school ends in three weeks ish, that makes it summer, i need to be focusing on what im going to be doing there, and i know that this is college and i still have three years and stuff, but i just feel like i need to have some sort of i don't know... constant?? i have one, and i really do feel i've found one. oy, i so didn't want to make this into a big sap fest. but i don't know, there's just something there. and its different, and as weird as it sounds, the reason its different is the time. Like, i really loved sarah, but, i don't know, i guess somewhere in the back of my mind i realized that wouldn't be it for me, i knew college would come. I hate to look at it and compare it to my brothers but it kind of is: mike had shannon in high school, and loved her, and then met siobhan, and now they're where they are, matt had tracy, and then met col's in college, i don't know, it seems the pattern of my family is there's a love in high school, and then "the one" if you will. i really do feel nikki is that for me, it just feels so right. like the slightest little look just gets me into the atmosphere.
ok, ok, enough
back to the whole crappiness of me.
at this point i just feel like other people are further along in their life, and i should be, like, simple little things.
speaking of simple little things, those are the things that have been driving me nuts recently... it's gotten to the point, where i really am questioning how much im enjoying the shakespeare scenes. I can't stand the ego factor of some of the people involved in the abbey's, and yet, i'm amazingly jealous of them
-side note- who ever invented mosquitos... SUCKS
moving on:
i just am jealous of the people who i can't stand. it reminds me of high school, cuz it's just like, i try and try, and then something will happen causing me to get kicked in the balls, and then these people just are like, oh, i tripped, oh, let me see what i tripped on, oh, wow, i just found a bag of money, covering up a hole that leads to a special stone that lets me play music amazingly, and write stuff, and be smart, AND NOT SUCK...
oy.
i don't suck... i don't suck.
i don't know, i seem to have gone backwards, i started this post feeling iffy... and have now become crappyish. i still can look at the great things in my life, they just seem fuzzy and out of focus. maybe i should just go to sleep... who knows.
i've lost focus on so much. Religion has basically fallen out of my life, i blame myself, but i don't think thats the reason im upset, because i have faith, and its strong, its just not in the strict guidelines of an organization. maybe it's because of that, that a lot of my friends have... hmm, how to phrase... suddenly stopped giving a fuck about anything in my life. EX:
come to play.... response: i have no reason
hmm, interesting, cause you know i just had to drop everything, and come home for a weekend to come see the shows at the high school... yeah.
anyway, im not looking to start a fight, it just kind of was another kick to the balls, maybe by reality, maybe saying, hey.. you don't need this. the one true friend who maybe hasn't been able to come to the shows, but has at least been there for me, to talk to, everyone seems to treat like crap... which pisses me off. i don't know.
i'm done, and now im feeling crappy and upset... AHHH THIS IS WHY I SHOULDN'T POST ANYMORE!!
ok, so beyond the random beginning
just kind of got hit by a "wall" of ify-ness, i don't know, i've just been kind of, well not "not myself" cuz i am what i am, but i don't know, i just don't like some of the things i've said, thoughts i've had, and actions i've taken. I don't really know any examples, but i just know that i don't like something. Maybe poker? like i really need to just save my money, and stop fucking around, like, school ends in three weeks ish, that makes it summer, i need to be focusing on what im going to be doing there, and i know that this is college and i still have three years and stuff, but i just feel like i need to have some sort of i don't know... constant?? i have one, and i really do feel i've found one. oy, i so didn't want to make this into a big sap fest. but i don't know, there's just something there. and its different, and as weird as it sounds, the reason its different is the time. Like, i really loved sarah, but, i don't know, i guess somewhere in the back of my mind i realized that wouldn't be it for me, i knew college would come. I hate to look at it and compare it to my brothers but it kind of is: mike had shannon in high school, and loved her, and then met siobhan, and now they're where they are, matt had tracy, and then met col's in college, i don't know, it seems the pattern of my family is there's a love in high school, and then "the one" if you will. i really do feel nikki is that for me, it just feels so right. like the slightest little look just gets me into the atmosphere.
ok, ok, enough
back to the whole crappiness of me.
at this point i just feel like other people are further along in their life, and i should be, like, simple little things.
speaking of simple little things, those are the things that have been driving me nuts recently... it's gotten to the point, where i really am questioning how much im enjoying the shakespeare scenes. I can't stand the ego factor of some of the people involved in the abbey's, and yet, i'm amazingly jealous of them
-side note- who ever invented mosquitos... SUCKS
moving on:
i just am jealous of the people who i can't stand. it reminds me of high school, cuz it's just like, i try and try, and then something will happen causing me to get kicked in the balls, and then these people just are like, oh, i tripped, oh, let me see what i tripped on, oh, wow, i just found a bag of money, covering up a hole that leads to a special stone that lets me play music amazingly, and write stuff, and be smart, AND NOT SUCK...
oy.
i don't suck... i don't suck.
i don't know, i seem to have gone backwards, i started this post feeling iffy... and have now become crappyish. i still can look at the great things in my life, they just seem fuzzy and out of focus. maybe i should just go to sleep... who knows.
i've lost focus on so much. Religion has basically fallen out of my life, i blame myself, but i don't think thats the reason im upset, because i have faith, and its strong, its just not in the strict guidelines of an organization. maybe it's because of that, that a lot of my friends have... hmm, how to phrase... suddenly stopped giving a fuck about anything in my life. EX:
come to play.... response: i have no reason
hmm, interesting, cause you know i just had to drop everything, and come home for a weekend to come see the shows at the high school... yeah.
anyway, im not looking to start a fight, it just kind of was another kick to the balls, maybe by reality, maybe saying, hey.. you don't need this. the one true friend who maybe hasn't been able to come to the shows, but has at least been there for me, to talk to, everyone seems to treat like crap... which pisses me off. i don't know.
i'm done, and now im feeling crappy and upset... AHHH THIS IS WHY I SHOULDN'T POST ANYMORE!!