I hate my body
I am so frustrated right now. Everything seems to just be piling up and getting worse. First off, this stupid diet thing. I don't know how long I've been doing this, but I think that I can count my serious dieting days at about two weeks. I have lost four pounds in that time. I lost five one week, then gained one back. And I have been dieting, and I have been going to the gym 3 times a week and working my ass off. 30 minutes on the elliptical machine and then another 30 minutes of weight training. I am tired. But I haven't seen any fucking results. Then, the internet. The internet never works at my house! If I can somehow make it work, it works for five minutes and then it dies a fiery death. It's frustrating. This leads to the third thing that is really frustrating me. Since I can't really get online and get on AIM, I barely get to talk to Morgan anymore. I think we spoke for a grand total of 15 (interrupted) minutes yesterday.
I want to get out of here, but I'm scared to move. I'm scared to be out on my own, totally alone. I think, more than anything, I just need someone to give a shit about me, and be here to tell me that things are the way they are, and I'm going to be okay. Why don't I get to have that? Why do I get a sarcastic, condescending brother, a distant and emotionally irresponsible mother, a fuckwad idiot for a father and a plethora of ridiculous step-mothers and siblings? Why? All that I want in this world is a fucking family, and I don't even get to have that. Yes. I am throwing myself a pity party. But no one else is going to recognize the shit I deal with Every Fucking Day, so I think I'm entitled.
And it's really getting bad, because there hasn't been any SI in a couple of months, but I really want to right now. If I weren't so vain, I know I would have by now. No pun intended.
The only time I ever really prayed to god, I wished that he would take my life away.