You don't care that it haunts me...
SIGH
I'm feeling very... what am I looking for here... indifferent right now, about most things. I keep going from one side to the other about not talking to "him". Most of the time I'm ok with it, suddenly the drama level has dropped drastically. Can't complain about that, shit. But every now and then I get to missin' him. I guess you can't like someone for so long, get them, then have it all go completely away when it ends, right? Just as well, its just echoes of past feelings, I don't want the hassle of dealing with him anymore.
Last night was cool. My ex-husband is in town and we are actuallly getting along really well. We make better friends than lovers. I'd be a liar if I said I didn't still care about him, I married him for a reason, right? We'll never be back together but it's nice to not be fighting all the time.
So we hung out and were all having fun when I get a text message from my ex-boyfriend who as much as I hate to admit it, I still love, probably always will. Its nice that we talk too. Anyhow, the message says "call me please" so I do, get his voicemail and leave a message telling him to call me back. He calls back about 5 minutes later. He sounded all wierd and really upset, which was odd cause he is the kind that doesn't show alot of emotion most of the time. Come to find out he just found out a friend of his hung himself. My ex was getting all choked up and insisted on getting off the phone so I messaged him asking him if he wanted me to come over. He said yes. So I rounded up the gang, dropped everyone off at their respecive sleeping quarters and went over with a 6 pack. We ended up just laying there holding each other, him kissing my head every now and then like old times, watching an OLD John Wayne movie. When it was over he was really tired so I told him he needed to get some sleep that I was going home. He walked me out to my car and gave me a huuuuuuge hug and told me he was glad to see me, thanx for coming over, that he felt better. That he didn't really need someone to talk to just someone to NOT talk to. With everything going on in my life right now (only a third of which I have reported here) I felt the same way and if anyone has that familiar comfort for me its him. I don't get attached to many people but when I do, I dont fuck around haha. I told him we should see each other more, that I sorta missed him, but he couldn't tell anyone cause it would ruin my reputation... always the smartass, ya know? That got a laugh out of him which made me happy. Then he kissed me good bye and I left. Oh that kiss... I miss him so much. Most guys don't even phase me, but him... That good bye kiss felt so good, so familiar. I needed last night. It put my other guy problems in perspective cause even tho we broke up, I have never doubted that he loved me and still does. I never once thought he cheated on me, it was just bad timing and I believe timing is everything in relationships. I would be a liar if I said I didn't hope some day we would cross paths romantically again but he is one of those that I will take any way I can get him. He made me recognize what love is. After him I am suprised I put up with my liar boy for so long.
Today wasn't too bad either. I was almost late for my cutting class but made it just in time. The class was actually interesting. Then Linzi and I went out and grabbed lunch, which was alot of fun. We did alot of talking, mostly about past guys and she told me something that made alot of sense. Her and I are alot alike dating wise. She told me that both of us like that rush you get when you first feel that mutual attraction and when that's gone we get bored and we are gone too, with very few exceptions. But when we are hooked we are hooked hard. I would have to agree with that. I felt the rush for longer than usual with this last one but that rush is on its way out with a swiftness and for the most part I'm not looking back, which suprises me a bit to be honest. Only 2 people still have a piece of my heart, and I saw both of them last night. The memory of the one I would've named as a third is so old it has kind of faded so I can't really count him anymore.
Jenie is out with her version of my ex and I have to say I'm really happy she is. She feels the same about him as I do mine and I know how happy I am to see or hear from him, so I know she is really happy right now, as I am. Jenie and I are alot alike and I love it. I have never had a friend as good as her, which makes me want to do stuff for her, not to have her do stuff back but just because I love her more and more every day. She is one of the truely rare beautiful souls and on the unfortunate day that she is taken from us and this world becomes a little darker, there is going to be a huge party in heaven for her because they will have gotten one of their angels back.
I picked the ex-husband up again today to see Jolie and it was the best thing I have ever seen when I came out from my room and saw him reading to her on the living room floor. He has been talking about making it out here more often and as much as I am not going to get my hopes up, not much in this world would make me happier.
So I guess saying I feel indifferent isn't entirely true. I just feel like alot of what has been going on lately is changing me, maturing me. I am suprising myself with some of the things I have been feeling, and it is a good suprised. I am realizing once again what my priorities are and what they should be, and who my true friends are, who I care about and who returns the feeling. I am also realizing that I am worth more than I have been allowing myself to be worth. And I'm doing something about it. That is a good feeling. I'm tired of being self destructive. We all have to mentally and emotionally grow up sometime, and I'm tired of fighting it. I'm tired of letting people step on me. When it's my time to find love it will find me. Until then I have so many people that DO care about me, and its about time I stopped lamenting over the ones that don't. They simply aren't worth my time.
I'm feeling very... what am I looking for here... indifferent right now, about most things. I keep going from one side to the other about not talking to "him". Most of the time I'm ok with it, suddenly the drama level has dropped drastically. Can't complain about that, shit. But every now and then I get to missin' him. I guess you can't like someone for so long, get them, then have it all go completely away when it ends, right? Just as well, its just echoes of past feelings, I don't want the hassle of dealing with him anymore.
Last night was cool. My ex-husband is in town and we are actuallly getting along really well. We make better friends than lovers. I'd be a liar if I said I didn't still care about him, I married him for a reason, right? We'll never be back together but it's nice to not be fighting all the time.
So we hung out and were all having fun when I get a text message from my ex-boyfriend who as much as I hate to admit it, I still love, probably always will. Its nice that we talk too. Anyhow, the message says "call me please" so I do, get his voicemail and leave a message telling him to call me back. He calls back about 5 minutes later. He sounded all wierd and really upset, which was odd cause he is the kind that doesn't show alot of emotion most of the time. Come to find out he just found out a friend of his hung himself. My ex was getting all choked up and insisted on getting off the phone so I messaged him asking him if he wanted me to come over. He said yes. So I rounded up the gang, dropped everyone off at their respecive sleeping quarters and went over with a 6 pack. We ended up just laying there holding each other, him kissing my head every now and then like old times, watching an OLD John Wayne movie. When it was over he was really tired so I told him he needed to get some sleep that I was going home. He walked me out to my car and gave me a huuuuuuge hug and told me he was glad to see me, thanx for coming over, that he felt better. That he didn't really need someone to talk to just someone to NOT talk to. With everything going on in my life right now (only a third of which I have reported here) I felt the same way and if anyone has that familiar comfort for me its him. I don't get attached to many people but when I do, I dont fuck around haha. I told him we should see each other more, that I sorta missed him, but he couldn't tell anyone cause it would ruin my reputation... always the smartass, ya know? That got a laugh out of him which made me happy. Then he kissed me good bye and I left. Oh that kiss... I miss him so much. Most guys don't even phase me, but him... That good bye kiss felt so good, so familiar. I needed last night. It put my other guy problems in perspective cause even tho we broke up, I have never doubted that he loved me and still does. I never once thought he cheated on me, it was just bad timing and I believe timing is everything in relationships. I would be a liar if I said I didn't hope some day we would cross paths romantically again but he is one of those that I will take any way I can get him. He made me recognize what love is. After him I am suprised I put up with my liar boy for so long.
Today wasn't too bad either. I was almost late for my cutting class but made it just in time. The class was actually interesting. Then Linzi and I went out and grabbed lunch, which was alot of fun. We did alot of talking, mostly about past guys and she told me something that made alot of sense. Her and I are alot alike dating wise. She told me that both of us like that rush you get when you first feel that mutual attraction and when that's gone we get bored and we are gone too, with very few exceptions. But when we are hooked we are hooked hard. I would have to agree with that. I felt the rush for longer than usual with this last one but that rush is on its way out with a swiftness and for the most part I'm not looking back, which suprises me a bit to be honest. Only 2 people still have a piece of my heart, and I saw both of them last night. The memory of the one I would've named as a third is so old it has kind of faded so I can't really count him anymore.
Jenie is out with her version of my ex and I have to say I'm really happy she is. She feels the same about him as I do mine and I know how happy I am to see or hear from him, so I know she is really happy right now, as I am. Jenie and I are alot alike and I love it. I have never had a friend as good as her, which makes me want to do stuff for her, not to have her do stuff back but just because I love her more and more every day. She is one of the truely rare beautiful souls and on the unfortunate day that she is taken from us and this world becomes a little darker, there is going to be a huge party in heaven for her because they will have gotten one of their angels back.
I picked the ex-husband up again today to see Jolie and it was the best thing I have ever seen when I came out from my room and saw him reading to her on the living room floor. He has been talking about making it out here more often and as much as I am not going to get my hopes up, not much in this world would make me happier.
So I guess saying I feel indifferent isn't entirely true. I just feel like alot of what has been going on lately is changing me, maturing me. I am suprising myself with some of the things I have been feeling, and it is a good suprised. I am realizing once again what my priorities are and what they should be, and who my true friends are, who I care about and who returns the feeling. I am also realizing that I am worth more than I have been allowing myself to be worth. And I'm doing something about it. That is a good feeling. I'm tired of being self destructive. We all have to mentally and emotionally grow up sometime, and I'm tired of fighting it. I'm tired of letting people step on me. When it's my time to find love it will find me. Until then I have so many people that DO care about me, and its about time I stopped lamenting over the ones that don't. They simply aren't worth my time.