did i let you down?
it's been a long time since i really posted... about feelings or thoughts or what's been on my mind... and i'm not entirely sure that i'm ready to do that now, but we'll see what comes out.
it's 12:36 and i'm exhausted-- emotionally, physically, intellectually... just running on empty. camp was probably one of the most amazing experiences of my life, but it was also one of the most telling and true experiences. it forced me to test the waters, relationships and feelings that i had really believed to be real, true and honest... it turns out they weren't.
so much changed occurred in those short months while i was away and i grew so greatly as a person. i thought things i never thought i'd think, i tried things i never thought i'd try, i felt things i never thought i'd feel and i did it all willingly and generously... i put my whole heart into those days, weeks and months spent up there and that's probably part of the reason why still a week and a half later my detox process continues.
i miss my camp friends. i've seen them everyday but one since i've been off of work, but still-- it's not the same. i can't wake up and walk over to their cabins... i don't have someone on hand constantly at my disposal to talk, vent and just interract with... and that's wierd. i miss the mess hall, the kids, the dance breaks, the waterfront, the gross meals, the parties in the 1-2, darkside... i miss the atmosphere. the absolute honesty and trust. i miss the person i felt i could be at camp. i felt as though i could take on the world, and i felt as though i was about to do just that.
i come home; back to reality. to the bickering and the backstabbing. the plans falling through and the disappointment setting in. it's not the same. it's a different world and a different life. not better, not worse... different.
do i like different?
i'm looking forward to school so much. i'm excited to live on my own and scared to experience independence in such a large scale. i'm excited to meet new people and terrified to lose the old. normal fears, right? how did i become so painfully average?
i'm the teenager i never aspired to be. i'm the teenager i avoided for so many years. the one without respect for themselves and their surroundings. the teenager who lives for convenience. that's me, that's you; that's us all. when did it become this way?
i feel so indecisive. i can't bear the fact of seeing my friends at home once a month (if that) and yet i am so eager to start this year. i'm being pulled in two directions and i feel like i'm betraying myself. it's a lose/lose situation... or is it win/win? i can't decide. i don't want to decide. am i ready to decide?
i look at my parents... my amazing, loving, caring, selfless parents and i can't bear the idea of seeing them so rarely. i see my sisters who have raised me just by living their own lives; who have taught me by examples-- good and bad and i choke back tears at the thought of the time wasted on fights; lost in anger... the pressure's on and now we try to patch things up before it's too late and we've lost it before we ever had it.
i think of my friends... carly, allicia, sam, alex, lori, colin, geoff, greg, james, gavin, matt, julie, mary, slack, pat, krysta, megs, alex, trevor, katie, ang, sean, josh, graz, so many incredible people... and i feel as though i'm waving goodbye in a rear view mirror to them all and watching them fade into little specs...
i see allicia; such a close friend... such an amazing friend. i can't even fathom seeing her once a month. i've seen allicia at LEAST every other day for the past two years straight. she's become my security blanket... and i'm not ready to let that go yet.
i see carly; a familiar face since grade seven... a source of consistency, guidance, escape. my best friend. i think of the memories we've shared, the moments we've savoured, the distances driven just to see eachother; if only for an hour... half an hour... a few minutes. we genuinely appreciate eachother and the time we share and i worry... not that we'll stop that appreciation, just that i can't actually manage without her near bye... without her support and love and without being able to support and love her...
i just... i can't cry anymore. i can't allow myself to fear this so deeply. i know that the real friendships will stand and the others will fall, but am i ready to find out which ones are real? am i ready to hear about my friends' lives reformed without me in them? am i ready to be a memory? will i even last as that?
this whole week has been a constant party. i've drank more liquor than i can even fathom. i've made and lost more memories than i can count and i've met more nameless people than i care to think about. i've enjoyed it, but it's taken a toll... last night, as i sat there with a stranger, discussing the intimate details of my life in a drunken stuper, i realized how interchangeable people and situations have become in my life. not to say that my friends are not my friends, or that i love them any less... i just can't believe how quickly and easily people adapt.
my life is one big fill in the blank... and no matter what is in that blank, i seem to do just fine. if this is good news, then why am i so fucking terrified?
it's 12:36 and i'm exhausted-- emotionally, physically, intellectually... just running on empty. camp was probably one of the most amazing experiences of my life, but it was also one of the most telling and true experiences. it forced me to test the waters, relationships and feelings that i had really believed to be real, true and honest... it turns out they weren't.
so much changed occurred in those short months while i was away and i grew so greatly as a person. i thought things i never thought i'd think, i tried things i never thought i'd try, i felt things i never thought i'd feel and i did it all willingly and generously... i put my whole heart into those days, weeks and months spent up there and that's probably part of the reason why still a week and a half later my detox process continues.
i miss my camp friends. i've seen them everyday but one since i've been off of work, but still-- it's not the same. i can't wake up and walk over to their cabins... i don't have someone on hand constantly at my disposal to talk, vent and just interract with... and that's wierd. i miss the mess hall, the kids, the dance breaks, the waterfront, the gross meals, the parties in the 1-2, darkside... i miss the atmosphere. the absolute honesty and trust. i miss the person i felt i could be at camp. i felt as though i could take on the world, and i felt as though i was about to do just that.
i come home; back to reality. to the bickering and the backstabbing. the plans falling through and the disappointment setting in. it's not the same. it's a different world and a different life. not better, not worse... different.
do i like different?
i'm looking forward to school so much. i'm excited to live on my own and scared to experience independence in such a large scale. i'm excited to meet new people and terrified to lose the old. normal fears, right? how did i become so painfully average?
i'm the teenager i never aspired to be. i'm the teenager i avoided for so many years. the one without respect for themselves and their surroundings. the teenager who lives for convenience. that's me, that's you; that's us all. when did it become this way?
i feel so indecisive. i can't bear the fact of seeing my friends at home once a month (if that) and yet i am so eager to start this year. i'm being pulled in two directions and i feel like i'm betraying myself. it's a lose/lose situation... or is it win/win? i can't decide. i don't want to decide. am i ready to decide?
i look at my parents... my amazing, loving, caring, selfless parents and i can't bear the idea of seeing them so rarely. i see my sisters who have raised me just by living their own lives; who have taught me by examples-- good and bad and i choke back tears at the thought of the time wasted on fights; lost in anger... the pressure's on and now we try to patch things up before it's too late and we've lost it before we ever had it.
i think of my friends... carly, allicia, sam, alex, lori, colin, geoff, greg, james, gavin, matt, julie, mary, slack, pat, krysta, megs, alex, trevor, katie, ang, sean, josh, graz, so many incredible people... and i feel as though i'm waving goodbye in a rear view mirror to them all and watching them fade into little specs...
i see allicia; such a close friend... such an amazing friend. i can't even fathom seeing her once a month. i've seen allicia at LEAST every other day for the past two years straight. she's become my security blanket... and i'm not ready to let that go yet.
i see carly; a familiar face since grade seven... a source of consistency, guidance, escape. my best friend. i think of the memories we've shared, the moments we've savoured, the distances driven just to see eachother; if only for an hour... half an hour... a few minutes. we genuinely appreciate eachother and the time we share and i worry... not that we'll stop that appreciation, just that i can't actually manage without her near bye... without her support and love and without being able to support and love her...
i just... i can't cry anymore. i can't allow myself to fear this so deeply. i know that the real friendships will stand and the others will fall, but am i ready to find out which ones are real? am i ready to hear about my friends' lives reformed without me in them? am i ready to be a memory? will i even last as that?
this whole week has been a constant party. i've drank more liquor than i can even fathom. i've made and lost more memories than i can count and i've met more nameless people than i care to think about. i've enjoyed it, but it's taken a toll... last night, as i sat there with a stranger, discussing the intimate details of my life in a drunken stuper, i realized how interchangeable people and situations have become in my life. not to say that my friends are not my friends, or that i love them any less... i just can't believe how quickly and easily people adapt.
my life is one big fill in the blank... and no matter what is in that blank, i seem to do just fine. if this is good news, then why am i so fucking terrified?