thurs. morning
woke up at 4am with the worst anxiety attack i've had in forever!i was just frozen and i couldnt move. its 9:38 now and i feel fine and surprisingly rested. i have a super long day of errands ahead of me...i got back all my midterm tests....i cant believe how AMAZING i'm doing this semester. perhaps it's that im back to feeling good again. i'm looking at schools to attend for Fall 2005, i'm thinking somewhere warm and really beautiful but still has lots of activism and a nice social scene and a little urban like too if i can manage. with my grades this year, i should be able to get in, and applying early too will definitely help things..i wish portland was sunny and warm or that boston was too, because its cool over there just REALLY REALLY cold. and i'm thinking somewhere completely different is just what i'll NEED!!! i dont know why i'm never able to sleep in anymore, i feel like i've been up for hours, perhaps because i can't make too much noise because rachel, em & ray are sleeping. this weekend should be fun, im actually going out to a party, we'll see how this goes....im a little worried about it, not that i might drink, because i am never drinking again, but that i'll find myself bored out of my mind and end up walking home.....i remember being really drunk at brick house last semester and walking home by myself from the frat, it was possibly the unsmartest thing i've done....aside from the many other things i did last semester....i cant even begin to explain how uncomfortable i feel when i go to class or out at uconn and i see people i hooked up with in the spring but never talked to afterwards, it just reminds me how dirty i felt and how dirty i still should feel. its my fault, i KNOW how i get around alcohol, although its usually never involving making mistakes with guys because i never wanted them near me.....of course.....LA changed all that, i mean i guess we all go through a slutty phase and i had mine i just think maybe i needed to get that all out of my system, like i finally felt comfortable with guys touching me, and i totally took it too far. it still makes me feel a little gross. especially because most of the time i was making out in a public place with tons of people watching us, and that made me look easy and gross. i mean yeah, im easy.....i dont mean that i'm a slut or anything, but last semester all a guy needed to do was say i was pretty, push my hair behind my ear and kiss me on my neck and in a minute i was all over him...::shudder::...maybe also because i didnt want any kind of long attachment or any emotional connection where i knew i'd get hurt or that i might get into a similar relationship, and perhaps not make it out of this one, but not only is my judgement better but i know that i'll never put up with that again....ever!!....and that feels good, makes me feel more safe. im getting to the point where i can actually LOOK in the mirror and like what i see back....its weird how different i look, maybe because im carrying myself in a different way, but i think growing up really helped me kind of fall into place. i feel like in the back of my head i'll always think i need to loose weight, but its something i've tried to get rid of and cant, so instead i'm putting it on the back burner, and realizing how much more important everything else is, and that it's okay if i dont like certain parts of my body sometimes, but i FEEL COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN, when i'm alone and no one is starring at me, i can honestly say i dont fidget around or touch my skin as if it's disconnected from everything inside me. although i'm close to graduating now i dont think i should have started college when i did, perhaps it was an easy fix for me in trying to change my life by running away. beginning freshman year in art school with an eating disorder, still relapsing from my amphetamine addiction, and coming out of an abusive relationship, was not helpful in anyway. i wish that i'd taken a year or two off to get my life straight. i'm simply lucky that i got through it and i'm where i am now...but i know i need to stop regretting things i can't go back and change......well i need to start my day now and start checking things off my "to do" list. morning rants are definitely a must now, both lying down to bed at night i fall asleep better, and waking up i wont have things in my mind all day.....i think today's going to be a ogod day....the sun's up and shining and i'm starting my day with special K :)