random...
it's going to feel really good to get this zine out, however i'm thinking of revising my topic, and perhaps getting my friends to write pieces and it would include not simply my own experiences, i'm realizing it might just become a photocopied stack of diaries that i'll keep in my underwear drawer and never show anyone. i got a really warm jacket today from alex and lynn. i think it's the way i feel at uconn, or maybe it's just the winter, either way, it's not good. i feel like all the friends i used to have are not completely out of my reach, i miss how things used to be, when things seemed to being going in a direction i wanted. i dont like how recently i'm expecting things not to work out with anything except school work. maybe its a good thing that somehow even though i'm happy and have a few close friends here, that i'm still sad, atleast my work is improving. i've been doing nothing but studying, perhaps for most people a saturday night of text books would be a fate worse than death....maybe i'm just punishing myself for how i acted last semester. and how much i regret everything i did, and everything i said and put first in my life. i felt detached and lost and used and i hated who i'd become, i know i'm different now, and its not that i cant put it behind me, but that, maybe i have nothing better to do with my time, which, perhaps is a good thing. i think i just miss being touched like i'm special. i miss being able to sit in my room and light candles and play music and read and color and write, and not be bothered by anything from the outside. or maybe i just really miss my dog or having someone hold me until i fall asleep. but this time i'm deciding not to let any of anything get to me, i've got classes to work at...somehow it always comes back to studies like i'm trying to ignore the fact that maybe i'm unhappy. Partly untrue, because i am happy, happier then i've been in a while, i think looking around and realizing what i dont have, reminds me that there is still that part of me that's sad, and might always be sad...it's not something i can imagine disappearing. -i feel like i need to start a new block--