my cry for help
Another day another entry......
im tired of pretending that i am happy. im tired of having to put on a face every day and having to smile and pretend that it's all ok. that i never have to worry about my bills or even my next meal at that. i read other peoples livejournals and all i see is how happy they are. i read how their lives are already sorted out and here i am juggling between wether i spend my next 5 dollars on food or cigarettes(cigarettes always wins cuzthey curb hunger and last longer) ... i have granted myself emotional misery for the past 8 months. putting myself in situations where i know im setting myself up for another let down.The pain of a heartbreak is unbearable but twice in 8 months is just retarded. also knowing about the "what could have been" sucks.my weekend was just a waste of time. a repetative display of what i knew i could never have. an endless party with no point but to get drunk and stoned. i see my friends and how their lives are set then i look in the mirror and see how much of a waste i have become. im a bum with a computer and shit job and a pack of cigarettes. not going to school, not bettering myself, not even keeping in shape. almost all hope is lost.....almost
im tired of pretending that i am happy. im tired of having to put on a face every day and having to smile and pretend that it's all ok. that i never have to worry about my bills or even my next meal at that. i read other peoples livejournals and all i see is how happy they are. i read how their lives are already sorted out and here i am juggling between wether i spend my next 5 dollars on food or cigarettes(cigarettes always wins cuzthey curb hunger and last longer) ... i have granted myself emotional misery for the past 8 months. putting myself in situations where i know im setting myself up for another let down.The pain of a heartbreak is unbearable but twice in 8 months is just retarded. also knowing about the "what could have been" sucks.my weekend was just a waste of time. a repetative display of what i knew i could never have. an endless party with no point but to get drunk and stoned. i see my friends and how their lives are set then i look in the mirror and see how much of a waste i have become. im a bum with a computer and shit job and a pack of cigarettes. not going to school, not bettering myself, not even keeping in shape. almost all hope is lost.....almost