And we're trying and we're breathing.
I feel as though this year is a total waste.
Although some healing has occured with my friendships and my life is going quite well, I'm really not sure where it is actually going.
What happened to all of my goals?
They all seemed so acheiveable when I was younger, you know, just breeze through life, goto college, become a vet, get married, have kids and gow old with the one you love.
All of these goals have been destroyed completely or postponed due to my lack of commitment/effort.
I didn't work anywhere near as hard as I could have at school... I could have done so much more than I did, I was predicted grades that know I could have achieved, I know that biology was horrible, but I could have made the effort, I could have put my head down, and worked as hard as I knew how, but I just threw everything away, and now that I'm almost 20, I don't know if I'll be able to go through that again...
And as for getting married, Jesus Christ, who saw it coming when I was 5 that I would like boys? NOT ME. Not my family, no one. There were no signs. God knows I still haven't admitted it to myself, and sometimes I consider myself a monster, inhuman, an error, because I have no place in the community I want to belong to because I just don't belong...
That could be where the problem stems from, when I finally realized what it was to have friends eventually, when I was 12, I decided I would do everything that I possibly could in order to gain and maintain freindships, and to no longer be seen as "the freak with the British accent" or "fucking gay American" because of this fucking disease I feel like I'm always alone, because no one gets it, no one knows how I'm feeling, and how badly it hurts... I despireatly want to change, and it physically hurts me that I can't, it brings me to tears, and when people make fun of me because of it, it just makes it hurt even more.
I think the whole reason that I want to be "in a relationship" is because when I was with him I knew that I was accepted completley, that to him I was perfect, to him I was everything, and nothing could change that... And after breaking up over a year ago, I convince myself that I hate him, I find myself thinking about how much I hate him every day, and what it would be like to parade a boyfriend in front of him... someone successful, someone intelligent and handsome... and then I think... fuck.. it's been over a year, and I'm still thinking about him every day... It's been as long as we went out, since we went out, I've grown up, I'm holding down a well-payed job, and living on my own now, and I still think about him every day, and I don't seem to click with anyone else that I meet, and it frustrates me because I realize that I still haven't healed... I still haven't healed...
How do you mend a broken heart?
How do you fix a fragmented spirit?
How do you deconstruct self-deprecation?
I'll find out, and when I do... I'll finally be healed.
Although some healing has occured with my friendships and my life is going quite well, I'm really not sure where it is actually going.
What happened to all of my goals?
They all seemed so acheiveable when I was younger, you know, just breeze through life, goto college, become a vet, get married, have kids and gow old with the one you love.
All of these goals have been destroyed completely or postponed due to my lack of commitment/effort.
I didn't work anywhere near as hard as I could have at school... I could have done so much more than I did, I was predicted grades that know I could have achieved, I know that biology was horrible, but I could have made the effort, I could have put my head down, and worked as hard as I knew how, but I just threw everything away, and now that I'm almost 20, I don't know if I'll be able to go through that again...
And as for getting married, Jesus Christ, who saw it coming when I was 5 that I would like boys? NOT ME. Not my family, no one. There were no signs. God knows I still haven't admitted it to myself, and sometimes I consider myself a monster, inhuman, an error, because I have no place in the community I want to belong to because I just don't belong...
That could be where the problem stems from, when I finally realized what it was to have friends eventually, when I was 12, I decided I would do everything that I possibly could in order to gain and maintain freindships, and to no longer be seen as "the freak with the British accent" or "fucking gay American" because of this fucking disease I feel like I'm always alone, because no one gets it, no one knows how I'm feeling, and how badly it hurts... I despireatly want to change, and it physically hurts me that I can't, it brings me to tears, and when people make fun of me because of it, it just makes it hurt even more.
I think the whole reason that I want to be "in a relationship" is because when I was with him I knew that I was accepted completley, that to him I was perfect, to him I was everything, and nothing could change that... And after breaking up over a year ago, I convince myself that I hate him, I find myself thinking about how much I hate him every day, and what it would be like to parade a boyfriend in front of him... someone successful, someone intelligent and handsome... and then I think... fuck.. it's been over a year, and I'm still thinking about him every day... It's been as long as we went out, since we went out, I've grown up, I'm holding down a well-payed job, and living on my own now, and I still think about him every day, and I don't seem to click with anyone else that I meet, and it frustrates me because I realize that I still haven't healed... I still haven't healed...
How do you mend a broken heart?
How do you fix a fragmented spirit?
How do you deconstruct self-deprecation?
I'll find out, and when I do... I'll finally be healed.