september 23, 2004

[emocowgirl]

every year. im torn between mourning the loss of her and celebrating her life.

i hate that im supposed to be strong and happy without her. im still so angry. hurt.

if i only could.. make a deal with God.. and get him to swap our places..id be runnin up that road, be runnin up that hill, be runnin up that building..

if i only could.

come on baby, come on darlin.. let me steal this moment from you now.

come on baby, come on darlin.. lets exchange the experience.

its you and me.

I still remember the day the world took you back & there was never time to thank you for the thousand scattered moments you left behind to watch us while we slept.

Wanting her to come back before anyone notices a part of the world has not moved since she left.

They left me
with your shadow,
saying things like
Life is not fair

& I believed them
for a long time.

But today,
I remembered
the way you laughed
& the heat
of your hand
in mine

& I knew that
life is more fair
than we can
ever imagine
if
we are there to live it

I carry you with me into the world,
into the smell of rain
& the words that dance between people
& for me, it will always be this way,
walking in the light,
remembering being alive together

It is still so new & all we see is the empty space, but that is not how it is in the landscape of the heart. There, there is no empty space & she still laughs & grapples with ideas & plans & nods wisely with each of us in turn. We are proud to have known her. We are proud to have called her friend.

I held her close for only a short time, but after she was gone, I'd see her smile on the face of a perfect stranger & I knew she would be there with me all the rest of my days.

and im left with only words and prayers and secrets whispered to the stars.

i hope she hears me.