Another sad warm day.
Wow. life has been depressing lately. things seem different. like fading in a way. Everything seems to be fading out of my control. People i love, things i do, places i go. things are just on a track and it can't be stopped or steered. i hate it. i want to get high soo much like all the time. but lately i've been getting these depressed highs. and i hate them. ever since i quit smoking life has changed. i think knowing that i'm killing myself slowly added excitement and anticipation in my life. Not seeing mel is becoming bad too. like i love her soo fucking much but not seeing her i think is taking its toll on both of us. I'm not saying we're going to break up. I know i'm not from my end. And i hope she doesn't want to but it just seems this way to me. when we're together everything is soo sooper even when we're away its great but i miss her soo much it drives me sadder. i can't stand lfe either. everyday i get btiched at for something. every fucking day. i wasn't up 40 mins and i already was getting fucking bitched at. i hate it i hate hate hate hate hate it. i can't stand it. thats why i do drugs. i love those and hate those too. see i love them cause thye drown out my pain. but i hate it because my pain only comes back later and worse. soo i drown it and drown it and drown it and its just a vicious cycle of pain and smoking. so tonight i am definately going out. Bill needs his bogies and i really want to see mel. I guess comment if you love me to try and console me.