(no subject)
I'm not tired.
I'm not hungry.
I'm not cold.
I'm not hot.
I'm not sad.
I'm not happy.
I'm
afraid.
I'm afraid that I won't ever be totally okay. I'm afraid that I'll never know if I'm okay. I'm afraid that, even if my wildest and most improbable dreams are fulfilled, I'll be damaged. I guess I'm already damaged. I can't really go back on that. "In a couple months, this will be nothing," he said. And in a couple seconds, I was nothing. He didn't seem to get that I didn't want this to "be nothing". And he didn't seem to get that I didn't want to think about the day it will be. How can one just skip over so much time? Every day in those couple months will be tainted. Each one of those days, just like today and yesterday and tomorrow, will be scarred with this. So, how do I wait for that day? How can I just sit here and wait for that? I cried and I thought and I wished and I hoped, but it's all better because, one day, "this will be nothing"?
Bullshit.
"The two words we don't use are 'always' and 'never'," said the guidance counselor. And I nodded like I believed it. Right after he'd said that, I nodded like I could still have hope.
I'm not hungry.
I'm not cold.
I'm not hot.
I'm not sad.
I'm not happy.
I'm
afraid.
I'm afraid that I won't ever be totally okay. I'm afraid that I'll never know if I'm okay. I'm afraid that, even if my wildest and most improbable dreams are fulfilled, I'll be damaged. I guess I'm already damaged. I can't really go back on that. "In a couple months, this will be nothing," he said. And in a couple seconds, I was nothing. He didn't seem to get that I didn't want this to "be nothing". And he didn't seem to get that I didn't want to think about the day it will be. How can one just skip over so much time? Every day in those couple months will be tainted. Each one of those days, just like today and yesterday and tomorrow, will be scarred with this. So, how do I wait for that day? How can I just sit here and wait for that? I cried and I thought and I wished and I hoped, but it's all better because, one day, "this will be nothing"?
Bullshit.
"The two words we don't use are 'always' and 'never'," said the guidance counselor. And I nodded like I believed it. Right after he'd said that, I nodded like I could still have hope.