i would never wish bad things, but i dont wish you well.
sorry its so long. i just needed to put my thoughts somewhere.
dont mind me.
last night made me realize a lot of things. i drink too much. and its ending today. today i will stop drinking.
i ended up playing a couple drinking games. and just kept drinking.. ended up drinking a bottle of UV.
yes. a whole bottle. along with 2 mikes hard.
and this is what happened.
i somehow found myself in the bathtub of the hotel (which is where the party was)
just sitting in it. watching the ceiling go in circles.
i drank because i missed you
and i drank to forget you.
of course no one around knew that i was
drinking to forget you.
ya know? how sometimes you drink for a reason,
some people just drink to drink.
but last night i had a purpose.
everyone around me was shit faced.
and i was shit faced laying in a bath tub.
going completely numb,
yelling at myself, inside my head
that i hated you.
and that i was never gunna do this again.
i ended up feeling so sick to the point where i needed to
throw up ( i never throw up when i drink. never.)
i couldnt move, at all.
somehow i made it out of the tub,
onto the floor, with my face above the toliet,
and the next thing i know, someone is sticking their
finger down my throat.
yeah i said it, someone (withholding their name)
stuck their finger down my throat,
and maybe less than ten min later
it caused me to throw up everything i just drank,
and my dinner.
then i layed on the floor, feeling so much better.
i still missed you.
and i still needed to forget you.
so this person, who stuck their finger down my throat
who held my hair for me..
and handed me wet towels....
we started to talk.
like a serious conversation.
about how we first met.
how we couldnt believe that we were still friends.
next thing i know its 3 in the morning.
i cant find my phone. and i cant find my purse.
so you found them for me, and offered to take me home.
then i remembered you got a ride here.
so did that mean you were coming home with me?
no.
it meant i was coming home with you.
and you were gunna drive my car.
so i agreed.
i mean, what could happen. right.
so we go to mcdonalds.
because we both were starving.
we ate in the parking lot.
and then we headed to your place.
and then.
we had sex i can barely remember.
and i remember saying stop.
and after i gave up saying stop.
i just gave in and tried to enjoy it.
its ok that i had sex with you.
i mean, knowing us it was going to happen eventually.
but i wish i could remember more of it.
and i wish i couldve been sober for it.
because now i'll always remember the first time having sex with you
involved us being drunk off our asses.
involved me saying stop,
but gave up and tried.
its whatever. but seriously.
im waiting for you to text me saying something
because this morning,
i just got up and left.
one night stands happen all the time
right?
and this is why i never should've started drinking again.
this is why i should've stayed sober.
i will no longer relapse.
because i will no longer let you control me to the point where i have to get so shit faced to let someone make me throw up. let someone probably more shit faced than me drive my nice ass car. at 4 in the morning. to point where i have sex with someone i barely have a friendship with. someone who let me know that they were hopelessly in love with me and always has been, while they were plastered.
i will no longer let you control my drinking like that.
because i end up hating myself even more.
so starting today. i will not drink anymore. and starting today.
i will forget you.
on my own.
sober.
because i dont need this. and i dont need you.
dont mind me.
last night made me realize a lot of things. i drink too much. and its ending today. today i will stop drinking.
i ended up playing a couple drinking games. and just kept drinking.. ended up drinking a bottle of UV.
yes. a whole bottle. along with 2 mikes hard.
and this is what happened.
i somehow found myself in the bathtub of the hotel (which is where the party was)
just sitting in it. watching the ceiling go in circles.
i drank because i missed you
and i drank to forget you.
of course no one around knew that i was
drinking to forget you.
ya know? how sometimes you drink for a reason,
some people just drink to drink.
but last night i had a purpose.
everyone around me was shit faced.
and i was shit faced laying in a bath tub.
going completely numb,
yelling at myself, inside my head
that i hated you.
and that i was never gunna do this again.
i ended up feeling so sick to the point where i needed to
throw up ( i never throw up when i drink. never.)
i couldnt move, at all.
somehow i made it out of the tub,
onto the floor, with my face above the toliet,
and the next thing i know, someone is sticking their
finger down my throat.
yeah i said it, someone (withholding their name)
stuck their finger down my throat,
and maybe less than ten min later
it caused me to throw up everything i just drank,
and my dinner.
then i layed on the floor, feeling so much better.
i still missed you.
and i still needed to forget you.
so this person, who stuck their finger down my throat
who held my hair for me..
and handed me wet towels....
we started to talk.
like a serious conversation.
about how we first met.
how we couldnt believe that we were still friends.
next thing i know its 3 in the morning.
i cant find my phone. and i cant find my purse.
so you found them for me, and offered to take me home.
then i remembered you got a ride here.
so did that mean you were coming home with me?
no.
it meant i was coming home with you.
and you were gunna drive my car.
so i agreed.
i mean, what could happen. right.
so we go to mcdonalds.
because we both were starving.
we ate in the parking lot.
and then we headed to your place.
and then.
we had sex i can barely remember.
and i remember saying stop.
and after i gave up saying stop.
i just gave in and tried to enjoy it.
its ok that i had sex with you.
i mean, knowing us it was going to happen eventually.
but i wish i could remember more of it.
and i wish i couldve been sober for it.
because now i'll always remember the first time having sex with you
involved us being drunk off our asses.
involved me saying stop,
but gave up and tried.
its whatever. but seriously.
im waiting for you to text me saying something
because this morning,
i just got up and left.
one night stands happen all the time
right?
and this is why i never should've started drinking again.
this is why i should've stayed sober.
i will no longer relapse.
because i will no longer let you control me to the point where i have to get so shit faced to let someone make me throw up. let someone probably more shit faced than me drive my nice ass car. at 4 in the morning. to point where i have sex with someone i barely have a friendship with. someone who let me know that they were hopelessly in love with me and always has been, while they were plastered.
i will no longer let you control my drinking like that.
because i end up hating myself even more.
so starting today. i will not drink anymore. and starting today.
i will forget you.
on my own.
sober.
because i dont need this. and i dont need you.