I am my own psychiatrist
Dear Nicholas Alan Kreiner,
I'm feelin' negative and cynical.
What's the deal with that, Nick..haven't you been telling me that you aren't cynical anymore? Because you've changed into a new, better person who doesn't ever feel like that? Or..is that just what you thought and what you were telling yourself? How many times were you really happy, how many times were you just pretending for others?
I mean, it makes some sense, sometimes if you just put on a show of being in a good mood, those around you will also be in a good mood, and when they are happy and laughing then you don't have to pretend, it's sincere happiness and every smile is straight from the heart. But, how many times did you fake it, how many times did you put on a good face? Why toss the mask now?
Maybe it's just because I'm annoyed with generally everyone right now. I find myself questioning everyone and everything, including myself(obviously! but that's not exactly what I mean. I might talk to one of a few different people about this, assuming I can trust anyone since apparently people feel the need to divulge things that should obviously be kept secret, that I change my mind about later!). Maybe it's because I'm annoyed with myself. I still don't have a job. I have three or more absences and am behind in all of my classes except for one. I know that I'm going to get a job eventually and that I'm going to push through and catch up and make it, but I'm disappointed in myself for letting things get to this point. And I don't like letting other people see this, but that's natural..of course I only want people to see me when I'm happy.
Maybe it's because I didn't drink. I don't know. I give up.
In other news, there really isn't any other news. If I weighed it, this weekend would probably come out negative. Not that there weren't any good things that happened, there most definitely were, and I'm not taking any of those for granted, but the negatives are just more abundant and heavier, and I'm not feeling terribly optimistic at the moment. Oh. I got dragged to the new Dirty Dancing movie. I might have actually enjoyed it if not for the terrible dialogue and lack of attractiveness and competence from the actors.. the main character, she was the greatest example of this. Oh well.
I'd type about my dreams (you know, that was going to be the original point of this journal), but just about every one that I remember lately has random sexual encounters in it somewhere.
This is probably just a phase. I'm tired of it already, though. I want to be happy, and be surrounded by friends, seeing them smile and laugh, and feeling even better from it. But that would be kind of tough because I don't want to see anyone right now, and doubt I would anyway. I need a pick me up. I need to go do homework.
I'm feelin' negative and cynical.
What's the deal with that, Nick..haven't you been telling me that you aren't cynical anymore? Because you've changed into a new, better person who doesn't ever feel like that? Or..is that just what you thought and what you were telling yourself? How many times were you really happy, how many times were you just pretending for others?
I mean, it makes some sense, sometimes if you just put on a show of being in a good mood, those around you will also be in a good mood, and when they are happy and laughing then you don't have to pretend, it's sincere happiness and every smile is straight from the heart. But, how many times did you fake it, how many times did you put on a good face? Why toss the mask now?
Maybe it's just because I'm annoyed with generally everyone right now. I find myself questioning everyone and everything, including myself(obviously! but that's not exactly what I mean. I might talk to one of a few different people about this, assuming I can trust anyone since apparently people feel the need to divulge things that should obviously be kept secret, that I change my mind about later!). Maybe it's because I'm annoyed with myself. I still don't have a job. I have three or more absences and am behind in all of my classes except for one. I know that I'm going to get a job eventually and that I'm going to push through and catch up and make it, but I'm disappointed in myself for letting things get to this point. And I don't like letting other people see this, but that's natural..of course I only want people to see me when I'm happy.
Maybe it's because I didn't drink. I don't know. I give up.
In other news, there really isn't any other news. If I weighed it, this weekend would probably come out negative. Not that there weren't any good things that happened, there most definitely were, and I'm not taking any of those for granted, but the negatives are just more abundant and heavier, and I'm not feeling terribly optimistic at the moment. Oh. I got dragged to the new Dirty Dancing movie. I might have actually enjoyed it if not for the terrible dialogue and lack of attractiveness and competence from the actors.. the main character, she was the greatest example of this. Oh well.
I'd type about my dreams (you know, that was going to be the original point of this journal), but just about every one that I remember lately has random sexual encounters in it somewhere.
This is probably just a phase. I'm tired of it already, though. I want to be happy, and be surrounded by friends, seeing them smile and laugh, and feeling even better from it. But that would be kind of tough because I don't want to see anyone right now, and doubt I would anyway. I need a pick me up. I need to go do homework.