(no subject)
the last two years for me have been all about change. changing myself, changing my friends, changing my mind, changing my habits, changing my grades. change. changing my relationships with my parents, changing my taste in music, changing my taste in boys. change, change, change. mostly changing myself. opening myself up to people. trying to trust. learning to speak. understanding how to make people laugh. becoming friends with the people that were there the whole time. the people i used to talk to once or twice a month, when necessary. the people i didn't realize i should get to know. the people who now i realize are btter friends than the ones i killed myself trying to hang out with.these last two years have been all about change for me. i'd like to think i've morphed into the person i've always wanted to be. i'd like to. i still have a ways to go, but i think for the most part i'm almost there. "each year i get older i become more of myself because of the confidence that one year provides me." i read that in a magazine somewhere. and honestly, it's true. it took me thirteen years to become the person i used to be, and just under another year to realize that things that had happened changed me into someone i did'nt want to be. and since then i've spent two years disecting myself. taking myself apart, pulling at the strings that make me up. taking my heart and setting it aside. taking my brain and putting over there. pulling myself apart, dissecting, inspecting. learning about myself. findingo ut what i like and dislike, what i love or hate. getting to know me. i got to know myself and it helped me change for the better. honestly.
we got yearbooks yesterday and even though only three people have signed it, i read all three and they all had a common theme. these people genuinely like me. these people are genuinely my friends. they like what i represent. they like that i can make them laugh at the right times. they like the advice i offer them; whether they take it or not. they like who i am. they like me. they like me. these people are honestly my friends. not someone who calls me every other month to go catch a movie. not the friends who call me when they want something. these people are there for me when i need them. and now i know that if i were to call one of them at midnight and ask them to pick me up and take me away from a place i couldn't stay any longer: THEY WOULD COME. they would care.
i think the last two years have been put to good use. regardless of the fact that my grades suffered because of it. i'm working harder to fix that issue now. becoming myself was something more important that making the grade. for me, at least. finding out who i was intrigued me more than finding out who won the war or what photosynthesis is. and i found myself. all it took for me to realize that was to read my yearbook. read the nice things people wrote about me. it was weird though. its like i was reading someone else's signatures. someone else's comments and compliments and phone number. then i looked again and saw that it was my name at the top of these entries. that it was me these people were talking about. not someone else. and i had to read it agian, but it was worth it. and if inally realized that i AM the person these people talk about. i AM the person they can go to. i AM the one who made them laugh when they felt they needed to cry. i AM the one who listened when they felt they needed to vent. i AM. I AM. this is me. and all it took for me to realize it was to read the things that other truly think of me. instead of guessing and coming up cynical. i read their honest thoughts. and it makes me happy to know that i truly am someone to count on. these people think highly of me :) not to sound conceited. it's just good to know that i am who i want to be finally. FINALLY. i am have become the person i've always wanted to be.
and i can't thank your compliments enough for making me see that.
♥ ♥ ♥
we got yearbooks yesterday and even though only three people have signed it, i read all three and they all had a common theme. these people genuinely like me. these people are genuinely my friends. they like what i represent. they like that i can make them laugh at the right times. they like the advice i offer them; whether they take it or not. they like who i am. they like me. they like me. these people are honestly my friends. not someone who calls me every other month to go catch a movie. not the friends who call me when they want something. these people are there for me when i need them. and now i know that if i were to call one of them at midnight and ask them to pick me up and take me away from a place i couldn't stay any longer: THEY WOULD COME. they would care.
i think the last two years have been put to good use. regardless of the fact that my grades suffered because of it. i'm working harder to fix that issue now. becoming myself was something more important that making the grade. for me, at least. finding out who i was intrigued me more than finding out who won the war or what photosynthesis is. and i found myself. all it took for me to realize that was to read my yearbook. read the nice things people wrote about me. it was weird though. its like i was reading someone else's signatures. someone else's comments and compliments and phone number. then i looked again and saw that it was my name at the top of these entries. that it was me these people were talking about. not someone else. and i had to read it agian, but it was worth it. and if inally realized that i AM the person these people talk about. i AM the person they can go to. i AM the one who made them laugh when they felt they needed to cry. i AM the one who listened when they felt they needed to vent. i AM. I AM. this is me. and all it took for me to realize it was to read the things that other truly think of me. instead of guessing and coming up cynical. i read their honest thoughts. and it makes me happy to know that i truly am someone to count on. these people think highly of me :) not to sound conceited. it's just good to know that i am who i want to be finally. FINALLY. i am have become the person i've always wanted to be.
and i can't thank your compliments enough for making me see that.
♥ ♥ ♥