dont read this.. just dont.
i dont even know where to begin.. i..dont even think i earned the right to speak as freely as i used to.
school started out okay.. i couldnt say i hated it.. but everyday, i feel worse.. and i cant tell you why, i wouldnt know how to begin. and i brush it off saying "its just an emo day.." and ill grab the cd player that i wish i didnt have because i dont deserve it anyway and turn up the volume to the loudest alexisonfire song i can find. ill listen closely to the screams and my mood will change from sad to angry. so angry that i want to scream at everybody but i dont because it isnt right, its better its me than them.
by lunchtime, im pulling at what little hair i have left. im so frustrated with myself and my actions, that i could explode any second... but i dont..i refuse to.. and when the tears start to form, i bite down on my lip, i do anything to distract myself from it. anything to stop it. and this is the time of the day i finally get to see oly..and she makes it all go away..but as soon as lunch is over, it slaps me in the face again to let me know it hasnt decided to leave me alone. i get to keyboarding and want so much to get the cd player..but its not allowed in class.. so i sit there and type lesson after lesson, i dont look anywhere, i focus on the screen. and when i finish, i pull out my journal and i dont stop writing until class is over..and the strange thing about that is i dont write down exactly what im feeling, if i do, ill drown myself in sorrow. i pull out the cd player, and repeat the process until i get to english II..by this time, its fifth block. im tired, hungry, frustrated and alone. soon enough, class will end and ill either go home to nothing or wait for band practice to start. get home at 8...my sister will be online or sleeping.. my mom will be cleaning or not home. since nothing was in the apartment, id sit on the carpet in the middle of the room..then after some time, id eventually shower.. and sleep..only to wake up and hold in double the amount of things i endured the day before. i think im done with both my livejournals.. and maybe even the computer for that matter. nobody reads.. and if i were them, i wouldnt read this either.
its the end of the week..and i dont think i can hold it anymore.. im going to cry even though im against it. but its okay, because nobody will see me..and nobody will know.
school started out okay.. i couldnt say i hated it.. but everyday, i feel worse.. and i cant tell you why, i wouldnt know how to begin. and i brush it off saying "its just an emo day.." and ill grab the cd player that i wish i didnt have because i dont deserve it anyway and turn up the volume to the loudest alexisonfire song i can find. ill listen closely to the screams and my mood will change from sad to angry. so angry that i want to scream at everybody but i dont because it isnt right, its better its me than them.
by lunchtime, im pulling at what little hair i have left. im so frustrated with myself and my actions, that i could explode any second... but i dont..i refuse to.. and when the tears start to form, i bite down on my lip, i do anything to distract myself from it. anything to stop it. and this is the time of the day i finally get to see oly..and she makes it all go away..but as soon as lunch is over, it slaps me in the face again to let me know it hasnt decided to leave me alone. i get to keyboarding and want so much to get the cd player..but its not allowed in class.. so i sit there and type lesson after lesson, i dont look anywhere, i focus on the screen. and when i finish, i pull out my journal and i dont stop writing until class is over..and the strange thing about that is i dont write down exactly what im feeling, if i do, ill drown myself in sorrow. i pull out the cd player, and repeat the process until i get to english II..by this time, its fifth block. im tired, hungry, frustrated and alone. soon enough, class will end and ill either go home to nothing or wait for band practice to start. get home at 8...my sister will be online or sleeping.. my mom will be cleaning or not home. since nothing was in the apartment, id sit on the carpet in the middle of the room..then after some time, id eventually shower.. and sleep..only to wake up and hold in double the amount of things i endured the day before. i think im done with both my livejournals.. and maybe even the computer for that matter. nobody reads.. and if i were them, i wouldnt read this either.
its the end of the week..and i dont think i can hold it anymore.. im going to cry even though im against it. but its okay, because nobody will see me..and nobody will know.