i am nobody, who are you...
today i had an eiphany: i'm nobody. and god did that hurt. i've worked my entire life trying to get ahead, to be something more, to be someone special. but all do just seems to be fruitless. i have worked harder this year than ever before in school and what does it get me? a 4.225 gpa. mommy says that's from last semester, but i don't think so. either way, it sucks. i'm in the 11th percentile. to even get looked at for the scholarship i want, it's gotta be 10. i'm so close but just not good enough. i'm such a diletant, i dabble but don't get serious in anything. i have no discernable talents... i'm a horrible public speaker, i can't spell, math bores me, my history teacher thinks i'm brilliant but blase` and where exactly is the contra bass gonna get me? you've all been waiting for me to crack, well, here it is! heck, i can't even do well where relation ships r concerned. my boyfriend and i have been going out for atleast a month, and i think he's called me twice, once to tell me to not drive so close b/c my brakes suck and the other to keep me from passing out at like 2 am when i was driving home (which was sweet). but yeah, i know we're both busy and all, but when people ask if we're dating i can't really say yes because well... he has yet to actually take me anywhere. i mean, i guess i understand, but whatever. it makes me sad b/c tabby is all like "me and him sit down and have deep meaningful conversations all the time." and well, we kinda just joke with each other all the time and play around, i don't know, maybe he thinks i'm vapid. maybe i am vapid. i shouldn't complain though. he's a nice guy who really does care about me and won't cheat on me, despite his seeming disinterest. i just can't believe it though... i work so hard for my grades and they close it off right in front of me. I went to my friend's tonight, and her dad was tellin her to get her application in to Chapel Hill. He asked me where i was going and i said "probably wcu" and he was all like "oh, you're so smart! you could get into chapel hill, or duke, or state!" no sir... no i can't. i always thought i was. i'm not even gonna waste the time or $ to try and get in Tulane. they'd laugh at me. i think i may be having a nervous breakdown. i'm just want to get over all this so i will stop being so surly, and snappish, and irritable. i hate it. i want to stop ebing short with everyone, get used to the idea that i'm not going to amount to what i thought i would and live life. i guess i'll just do that. yeah. on a lighter note, i got a letter from my lawyer. i have to take a driving course and show up in court Nov 10 and hope for a prayer for judgement. AUGH. that and since i got sick... i've dropped weight, a good bit... yet i still have that stupid fat roll. y couldn't i atleast be born with some good genes so i could be pretty and model or something. AH!!! i don't know, i need a hug and a good friend....