About Damn Time Grandpa!!!
Okay,
So I've decided to abandon my little blog on Blogger and just post here. I feel a bit like I did when I jumped ship to Facebook from Myspace but it is what it is.
This is just a collection of stuff I don't want to lose in the switch...
September 2005
Deal in Such Strange Ways: People react differently to death. I recently lost one of my uncles to cancer. My father decided that it wasn't necessary for me or my brother to attend the funeral. Before he passed away, my dad was all about us going so he didn't have to deal alone. I was planning on going. My uncle never liked my family. He insulted us every chance he got, he hit my brother and my mom. He wasn't a completely nice person. But I knew that my dad would need something there for him. We were going to be that. In two years my grandma, two of my aunts and now my uncle have passed away. You would assume that this loss would make a person rally all the family that was left and hold on tight. It is the exact opposite. People react differently to death.
September 2006
Today: Today I thought about cutting myself with a large kitchen knife. It's been a while since that thought entered my head.
Today I walked a little slower while I was crossing the street, hoping the mortorists would get fed up and run me down.
Today I spent a few too many steps in front of the ominous looking vans that usually have me running for the hills.
Today I thought it might be okay if I didn't make it home. I found myself checking for my ID. So the guys at the morgue could identify the body.
Today was a bad day.
October 2006
Sleeping Through My Own Death: Some nights I am overcome with the feeling I will not wake up. I feel my throat close up and I fight to keep my head in a position that will keep me breathing. I try to stay awake as long as I can. I put music on and stare at the glow in the dark constellations above my head. I fight sleep but I don't last long. Those nights scare me but the doctors say I'm alright. Take the little yellow pills and the headaches will go away.
Dreary Daze: It's been dark here lately. I haven't seen the sun in days. Everything is wet and cold. There is something eerily beautiful about the wet squelch of leaves and snow that melts before it hits the ground. They say it's a low dose but every morning I wake up with my pupils large and the fog of an under the influence sleep. I learned that the world looks quite a bit better when you tilt your head to the side and squint. It becomes a sea of colours.
It's been dark here lately.
Nobody's Telling: Lately I've been crawling with bugs. Everywhere I look there are these little black bugs. They circle me and I squirm away from them. I have the sneaking suspicion that I have died but people have decided it's in my best interests not to know. So nobody is telling.
January 2007
Underestimated Innocent Romance: People today are far too jaded. Romance doesn't always have to be strong and sexy. I want love notes folded into strange shapes. I want a mix tape filled with all kinds of music that makes that person think of me. I want a single flower that's not a rose. Love shouldn't be so hard. Little things every once in awhile to show your still thinking about a girl, ya know.
And these free loading women are getting on my nerves. When you go out to dinner or to the movies you pay your own way. If you live with someone you split the bills. If your partner has money you still work. You don't buy their birthday presents with their money. If they want to go to a buddy's house and play poker, be woman enough to let him go without him feeling like he needed your permission. Then don't feel smothered and controlled when he questions your girls night out. These women give me a bad name. If you don't love the person then leave. And only take your shit with you. You should only be with someone if you actually have feelings for them. Money should never be the reason.
And it may be juvenile but all those little tokens of love should be worth more than Chanel and Louis Vuitton. Besides those fuckin things are ugly. I'll take love notes and mix tapes every time.
And yeah love can be strong and powerful and raw. Sex can be fast and hard and awe inspiring. But I think we spend to much time underestimating innocence romance.
Februrary 2007
Sloppy Firsts: The first and only guy I ever blew is in the next room right now. He's one of my brother's friends. It all happened the first of only two times I've ever been high. When my brother fell asleep he came in to my room. i was into him for awhile but never said anything because he was my little brothers friend. I was 16 he was 15. It was my first anything really. The only time I'd even been kissed before was when I was thirteen. And in three seconds that guy managed to inject a mouth full of spit as I was trying my hardest not to laugh at the clinking of teeth. Kissing my second first was no better. Completely opened mouth, forcing his tongue into my mouth, the taste of smoke in his throat. I almost gagged at the taste of it. Slobbering pathetic gropings. but what did I know. I remember that night clearly. The way he told me how he like it. The way his whole body clenched when he was done The way he tasted in my mouth. And the way I swallowed on instinct. I remember the morning too. The way he said he didn't remember. The way I so easily overlooked it. The way after the initial sting of rejection I didn't care so much. The way I kept it to myself for a year. The way I still liked him. How easy it was to carry on like nothing had happened. When in fact it was a moment I will always remember.
All my firsts have been unsatisfactory. My first kiss, my first blow job, my first sex. All of them one time things. All of them things I have never done since.
The night I lost my virginity was a one night stand. A friend of a friend I had only ever talked to on MSN messenger. After I made it clear I wasn't looking for a boyfriend out of the deal it was smooth sailing. Pick me up, take me to a private place outside, lift up my skirt, go to town, drive me home. No kiss. No foreplay. It wasn't that bad but I would have probably been more satisfied with a night spent in my room alone with my thoughts. At least then I would have had an orgasm. He drove me home in complete silence and the most vivid memory he left me with was the way my thighs hurt because the grass had clung to the wetness there and rubbed when I walked.
It's been three and a half years since that night and it was the last time I've had sex. I might as well just call myself a nun and be done with it. I swear to fuck i must have 'One Time Use Only' stamped on my forehead.
I've lived a life of sloppy firsts. All I can do know is hope for better seconds.
The Under and The Over: Lately I've been feeling abandoned. I've been feeling crowded. I've been feeling found out. I've been feeling lost. I've been feeling over. I've been feeling under. I've been feeling scared. I've been feeling strong. I've been feeling left behind. I've been feeling followed around. The over and under of being whelmed.
Been spending money like we have it. Been controlled. Been unhinged. Been animated. Been catatonic. Been giving like there's something there. Been looking in the mirror for imperfections. Been finding that's all I have. Been spending my days with solitaire. Been losing more than winning. Been spending my days listening to passionate folk music. Been bawling my eyes out. Been failing. Been floating. Been longing. Been hoping. Been starving. Been broken. Been full and falling. Been waiting for home to come home.
The under and over of whelmed.
June 2007
Around My Finger: As I come around my finger I realize it's been far too long. The blinding white behind crossed eyes, the deafening silence that drowns out the sirens and proof that I'm still able to feel this have all been missed. The first time I'm left alone for months and the pull is incredible. For a moment the wait was worth it. I can feel my heartbeat in my bottom lip. For once in so long all I can hear is the wind through the curtains, the Matt Good on the stereo and the beating of my own heart.
There's peace in this moment. I look up to smile at the blue sky and the clouds.
Peace. What a novel concept?
Rain Today the rain came. Lightning gave us warning. We stood on the balcony four floors up watching the storm roll in. We look up to the tip of this five story tree. My insides squirm and cervix contracts. Heights bring out the sex in me. We all get that tingling feeling when we're in past our heads its the same feeling I get when I'm on my knees with his hand on my head. The thrill, the fright. the fear. Waiting for the storm to come. Lightning leading the way. Hell they told us it would be sunshine today.
That's Called.: Having your face pressed against a wall against your will is losing control. Feeling the cold plaster against your tired face with someone you love screaming as loud as he can with his lips pressed to your ears is feeling alone. Feeling his palm pressing into your teeth, thinking about how easy it would be to finally draw blood and deciding that you'll only get it worse is feeling hopeless. Feeling the saliva and snot his snarling face has left in your hair is feeling degraded. Feeling his steps coming back right as you start to think it's over for now is feeling scared. Feeling him against the opposite side is feeling just as bad. Feeling no one knows how much that just hurt you is feeling worthless. Feeling that this is my baby brother screaming, causing the ringing and the crying well that's feeling unloved.
Today was a really bad day. I quit my job. That's called feeling useless.
August 2009
I've Been Asleep For Years: So much has happened. Too much really.
My brother got a poco loco girlfriend that he moved in with us a year and a half ago.
The first boy I ever loved was killed in a car crash.
I somehow managed to gain 70lbs.
Graduated high school finally.
Lost my mind a bit.
Found out that I have something that will probably prevent me from ever getting pregnant.
Fell in a fan girl haze for soooo many more people, artists and music.
Went back to my job at Source Adult Video.
Registered for a screenwriting course.
Lost and regained touch with family numerous times.
Brothers' crazy girlfriend gets pregnant.
Brothers' crazy girlfriend gets an abortion.
We keep it a secret from everyone else.
More of my mums' teeth fall out.
I came out to my mum as a bisexual and it takes her 6 months to accept that it's true.
6 more months and she still doesn't really like acknowledge it.
And I turn 22 and realize I'm in the same place I was at 18.
Done For Now... Told ya I was crazy...
So I've decided to abandon my little blog on Blogger and just post here. I feel a bit like I did when I jumped ship to Facebook from Myspace but it is what it is.
This is just a collection of stuff I don't want to lose in the switch...
September 2005
Deal in Such Strange Ways: People react differently to death. I recently lost one of my uncles to cancer. My father decided that it wasn't necessary for me or my brother to attend the funeral. Before he passed away, my dad was all about us going so he didn't have to deal alone. I was planning on going. My uncle never liked my family. He insulted us every chance he got, he hit my brother and my mom. He wasn't a completely nice person. But I knew that my dad would need something there for him. We were going to be that. In two years my grandma, two of my aunts and now my uncle have passed away. You would assume that this loss would make a person rally all the family that was left and hold on tight. It is the exact opposite. People react differently to death.
September 2006
Today: Today I thought about cutting myself with a large kitchen knife. It's been a while since that thought entered my head.
Today I walked a little slower while I was crossing the street, hoping the mortorists would get fed up and run me down.
Today I spent a few too many steps in front of the ominous looking vans that usually have me running for the hills.
Today I thought it might be okay if I didn't make it home. I found myself checking for my ID. So the guys at the morgue could identify the body.
Today was a bad day.
October 2006
Sleeping Through My Own Death: Some nights I am overcome with the feeling I will not wake up. I feel my throat close up and I fight to keep my head in a position that will keep me breathing. I try to stay awake as long as I can. I put music on and stare at the glow in the dark constellations above my head. I fight sleep but I don't last long. Those nights scare me but the doctors say I'm alright. Take the little yellow pills and the headaches will go away.
Dreary Daze: It's been dark here lately. I haven't seen the sun in days. Everything is wet and cold. There is something eerily beautiful about the wet squelch of leaves and snow that melts before it hits the ground. They say it's a low dose but every morning I wake up with my pupils large and the fog of an under the influence sleep. I learned that the world looks quite a bit better when you tilt your head to the side and squint. It becomes a sea of colours.
It's been dark here lately.
Nobody's Telling: Lately I've been crawling with bugs. Everywhere I look there are these little black bugs. They circle me and I squirm away from them. I have the sneaking suspicion that I have died but people have decided it's in my best interests not to know. So nobody is telling.
January 2007
Underestimated Innocent Romance: People today are far too jaded. Romance doesn't always have to be strong and sexy. I want love notes folded into strange shapes. I want a mix tape filled with all kinds of music that makes that person think of me. I want a single flower that's not a rose. Love shouldn't be so hard. Little things every once in awhile to show your still thinking about a girl, ya know.
And these free loading women are getting on my nerves. When you go out to dinner or to the movies you pay your own way. If you live with someone you split the bills. If your partner has money you still work. You don't buy their birthday presents with their money. If they want to go to a buddy's house and play poker, be woman enough to let him go without him feeling like he needed your permission. Then don't feel smothered and controlled when he questions your girls night out. These women give me a bad name. If you don't love the person then leave. And only take your shit with you. You should only be with someone if you actually have feelings for them. Money should never be the reason.
And it may be juvenile but all those little tokens of love should be worth more than Chanel and Louis Vuitton. Besides those fuckin things are ugly. I'll take love notes and mix tapes every time.
And yeah love can be strong and powerful and raw. Sex can be fast and hard and awe inspiring. But I think we spend to much time underestimating innocence romance.
Februrary 2007
Sloppy Firsts: The first and only guy I ever blew is in the next room right now. He's one of my brother's friends. It all happened the first of only two times I've ever been high. When my brother fell asleep he came in to my room. i was into him for awhile but never said anything because he was my little brothers friend. I was 16 he was 15. It was my first anything really. The only time I'd even been kissed before was when I was thirteen. And in three seconds that guy managed to inject a mouth full of spit as I was trying my hardest not to laugh at the clinking of teeth. Kissing my second first was no better. Completely opened mouth, forcing his tongue into my mouth, the taste of smoke in his throat. I almost gagged at the taste of it. Slobbering pathetic gropings. but what did I know. I remember that night clearly. The way he told me how he like it. The way his whole body clenched when he was done The way he tasted in my mouth. And the way I swallowed on instinct. I remember the morning too. The way he said he didn't remember. The way I so easily overlooked it. The way after the initial sting of rejection I didn't care so much. The way I kept it to myself for a year. The way I still liked him. How easy it was to carry on like nothing had happened. When in fact it was a moment I will always remember.
All my firsts have been unsatisfactory. My first kiss, my first blow job, my first sex. All of them one time things. All of them things I have never done since.
The night I lost my virginity was a one night stand. A friend of a friend I had only ever talked to on MSN messenger. After I made it clear I wasn't looking for a boyfriend out of the deal it was smooth sailing. Pick me up, take me to a private place outside, lift up my skirt, go to town, drive me home. No kiss. No foreplay. It wasn't that bad but I would have probably been more satisfied with a night spent in my room alone with my thoughts. At least then I would have had an orgasm. He drove me home in complete silence and the most vivid memory he left me with was the way my thighs hurt because the grass had clung to the wetness there and rubbed when I walked.
It's been three and a half years since that night and it was the last time I've had sex. I might as well just call myself a nun and be done with it. I swear to fuck i must have 'One Time Use Only' stamped on my forehead.
I've lived a life of sloppy firsts. All I can do know is hope for better seconds.
The Under and The Over: Lately I've been feeling abandoned. I've been feeling crowded. I've been feeling found out. I've been feeling lost. I've been feeling over. I've been feeling under. I've been feeling scared. I've been feeling strong. I've been feeling left behind. I've been feeling followed around. The over and under of being whelmed.
Been spending money like we have it. Been controlled. Been unhinged. Been animated. Been catatonic. Been giving like there's something there. Been looking in the mirror for imperfections. Been finding that's all I have. Been spending my days with solitaire. Been losing more than winning. Been spending my days listening to passionate folk music. Been bawling my eyes out. Been failing. Been floating. Been longing. Been hoping. Been starving. Been broken. Been full and falling. Been waiting for home to come home.
The under and over of whelmed.
June 2007
Around My Finger: As I come around my finger I realize it's been far too long. The blinding white behind crossed eyes, the deafening silence that drowns out the sirens and proof that I'm still able to feel this have all been missed. The first time I'm left alone for months and the pull is incredible. For a moment the wait was worth it. I can feel my heartbeat in my bottom lip. For once in so long all I can hear is the wind through the curtains, the Matt Good on the stereo and the beating of my own heart.
There's peace in this moment. I look up to smile at the blue sky and the clouds.
Peace. What a novel concept?
Rain Today the rain came. Lightning gave us warning. We stood on the balcony four floors up watching the storm roll in. We look up to the tip of this five story tree. My insides squirm and cervix contracts. Heights bring out the sex in me. We all get that tingling feeling when we're in past our heads its the same feeling I get when I'm on my knees with his hand on my head. The thrill, the fright. the fear. Waiting for the storm to come. Lightning leading the way. Hell they told us it would be sunshine today.
That's Called.: Having your face pressed against a wall against your will is losing control. Feeling the cold plaster against your tired face with someone you love screaming as loud as he can with his lips pressed to your ears is feeling alone. Feeling his palm pressing into your teeth, thinking about how easy it would be to finally draw blood and deciding that you'll only get it worse is feeling hopeless. Feeling the saliva and snot his snarling face has left in your hair is feeling degraded. Feeling his steps coming back right as you start to think it's over for now is feeling scared. Feeling him against the opposite side is feeling just as bad. Feeling no one knows how much that just hurt you is feeling worthless. Feeling that this is my baby brother screaming, causing the ringing and the crying well that's feeling unloved.
Today was a really bad day. I quit my job. That's called feeling useless.
August 2009
I've Been Asleep For Years: So much has happened. Too much really.
My brother got a poco loco girlfriend that he moved in with us a year and a half ago.
The first boy I ever loved was killed in a car crash.
I somehow managed to gain 70lbs.
Graduated high school finally.
Lost my mind a bit.
Found out that I have something that will probably prevent me from ever getting pregnant.
Fell in a fan girl haze for soooo many more people, artists and music.
Went back to my job at Source Adult Video.
Registered for a screenwriting course.
Lost and regained touch with family numerous times.
Brothers' crazy girlfriend gets pregnant.
Brothers' crazy girlfriend gets an abortion.
We keep it a secret from everyone else.
More of my mums' teeth fall out.
I came out to my mum as a bisexual and it takes her 6 months to accept that it's true.
6 more months and she still doesn't really like acknowledge it.
And I turn 22 and realize I'm in the same place I was at 18.
Done For Now... Told ya I was crazy...