Music, Movies and Maudlin Melodramas
Title: Music, Movies and Maudlin Melodramas aka 30 times Puck and Kurt had to suffer through the indignity of pop culture revealing deep meaningful truths.
Author: emo_chick_87
Pairing,Character(s): Puck/Kurt
Rating: PG
Word Count: 15 859 in two parts
Spoilers: Season 1
Genre: Angst/Fluff
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.
Summary: My contribution to the puckurt 30 day drabble challenge.
AN: I started this thinking that each drabble would be a oneshot. After the first week, I noticed that they were all linked. Now thirty days later, they read kinda like a complete story.
Day One- Be My Yoko Ono
Kurt sighed as the discman whirled against his leg. His small hand wrapped protectively around the player. He watched as the people in the seat behind him peeked over at it. He was pretty sure he was the only twelve year old on the bus that had parents that could afford to get him one. He had already told his dad that it wasn't the kind of thing he should bring to school but he did have to admit that the respite that it provided on his way to school was very welcome.
He cringed as the next song started. He really should have know better than to leave the house without checking it first but still, it wasn't until he was huddled in his seat that he realized his Jewel CD was not what he was listening to.
He kind of recognized most of it. There was a vague remembrance of silly songs that his dad used to sing to him while making even sillier faces. The song skipped as the bus skidded over the speed bumps that meant the were crossing into Lima Height Adjacent. Even through the music, Kurt could feel the way the bus silenced in a terrified hush. Kurt had felt the familiar feeling of fear that would always rush through him. The fear that would remind him that he was about to see the boy that made him tingle in his belly and a few places lower that he wasn't entirely sure how to deal with yet.
He watched as Puck lumbered to his seat in the back.. He was just starting in enjoy the thick, rich smell that always lingered when Puck passed when pain collided with grief in his stomach. He heard the words he'd heard every day for the first six years of his life. The song seemed faster than his dad would usually sing it, so it almost made Kurt forget about all those days in the kitchen. Eating cereal at the dining room table as his dad's voice would drift out of the kitchen. It almost made him forget the breathy laugh that always followed his dad singing the last line of the song.
If I was John and you were Yoko,
I would gladly give up musical genius,
just to have you as my very own, personal Venus.
The ghost of his mommy's laugh rang loud in his ears as the next song started and a dark shadow moved to tower over him. When he looked up he saw the growl before it was ready to leave Puck's lips. Puck's hand swept the discman out of Kurt's hands. The force pulled his headphones off his head and left his ears ringing for a whole other reason.
Puck's face softened when he saw the thick grief on Kurt's face and the heavy tears in his eyes. He looked at Kurt almost like he didn't want to finish what he'd just started. The hungry stares that rested on both of their backs told them they didn't have a choice.
Puck stalked back to his seat and watched as Kurt crumpled into tears. Despite his tears, Kurt could feel his heart lift slightly. Puck had looked at him plenty of times before but this time Puck had actually seen him.
Kurt held on to that feeling. It followed him through grade school. It clung to his skin through middle school. It slept in his back pocket for the first year of high school. He held on tight until he could replace it with being in love. He saved it until Puck was ready to be more.
Day 2- Wrap Your Arms Around Me
Puck waited at the bus stop as his watched his mom waddle down the street. She was about eight months pregnant with the person that supposed to be his sister. Angry tears threatened to fall as he remembered that his dad had been gone just as long. He cursed the parasite growing in his mother's stomach. It was her fault that his daddy had left. It was her fault that his mom hadn't remembered that today was his twelfth birthday.
The heavy smell of fumes filled the spring air and Puck swiped an angry hand over his eyes. It was time to put the mask in place. By the time the bus doors swung open he was ready to be Puck again. The first thing he saw was Kurt. Kurt with his soft, porcelain skin. Kurt with his tiny crooked smile. Kurt with his light, summer smell. It made him furious. Kurt always made him furious. A feeling he didn't understand would brew heavy in his stomach whenever he saw Kurt.
He doesn't really want to take Kurt's stuff or make Kurt cry but he can't help himself. That was the one time he sees Kurt with a look other that blank indifference. It was the one time Puck could practically feel his heartbeat in his throat. It's the only time Puck gets to talk to him.
Puck slouched in the back seat of the bus. His back burning as shame ran angry stripes along his skin. His hand limply clutched the discman he'd just stolen from Kurt. Puck can feel it bounce against his thigh. He pulled the headphones over his ears and lets the music flow over him. A soft song breaks his heart even further. The words swirl around him and make the tears that were threatening to fall earlier spring back to his eye.
Do you believe that we are all innately good?
Do you think that you would love me until tomorrow if you could?
His heart clenched hard in his chest as he heard Kurt's sniffles from the middle of the bus. He struggled with the way his finger itch to touch Kurt. To comfort him. But Puck knows it's not his place. So instead he pulls with jacket over his face. Silent tears fall down his cheeks and soak into the old polyester. He is good at keeping his sobs quiet. He's practiced at making sure his hiccuped breaths look like he's sleeping. His fingers itch the inside of his thigh as he wonders if he will ever get the chance to do that to Kurt. To feel the twitch of soft skin against his fingertips. He always wonders a lot of things.
In the end, Puck doesn't give Kurt his discman back. He keeps it next to his bed. In the dark of night, he lets himself dream. He lets himself think about what it might mean to make it up to Kurt.
I regret every time I raised my voice
And it wouldn't be that bright of me to say I had no choice.
I can kiss your eyes your hair your neck
until we forget.
He doesn't know if Kurt is the kind of boy that likes boys like him. He isn't even sure if he's the kind of boy that could like a boy like Kurt. Puck doesn't know very much but he knows that the feeling sitting in his belly isn't something he should ignore. But then Kurt's sobs get a bit louder. Then all he can do is bury his head deeper into his coat and hope for the day when he can say he's sorry.
Day 3 Open Up Your Heart And Let The Sun Shine In
He'd woken up to a small baseball glove on his bed. There was a little tag on the side that said Happy Birthday, Noah. His heart clenched hard in his chest. His birthday was almost six months ago. He assumed it was the thought that counted. He stumbled into the living room just after noon and cringed when he saw his cousin Lydia sprawled out on the couch. Of all the things to happen since Sarah was brought home, Lydia becoming a permanent fixture on their couch was one of the worst.
Puck had always hated Lydia. She was the kind of cousin that would let her boyfriend steal all there food while ignoring the Sarah's screams. He glanced over that the carrier sitting on the lazyboy. All he saw was pink blankets. That's all he ever saw. It had been about three months since Sarah was born and his mom still hadn't let him hold her. She always kept him at arms length. Mumbling about germs and other things that would haunt his dreams. The crushing press of not being trusted weighing heavy on his chest.
The thin wood of the liquor cabinet gives way easily under his prying hands. Half empty bottles are calling him like a siren song. Thick, amber liquid being to take him away. The neck of the bottle is cool between his fingers as it hangs loosely at his side. He's almost out of the living room when he hears Sarah whimper. The sound hits him and it's worse than every screaming cry he's heard before.
His free hand pulls the carrier off the chair. Liquor in one hand, his baby sister in the other. Both bounced against his thigh as he tripped back into his bedroom. He could hear Lydia snoring and he cringed as her breath stuttered in her sleep. He held his breath as he waited to see if she woke up. If she woke up and saw Sarah in his room, there would be hell to pay.
He's looking at her under all the pink blankets. It's the first time he's been this close to her and his heart jumps into his throat. In that moment, all he knows is she belongs to him. That she's his baby sister. That she's his.
She tucks under his arm like she was meant to be there. She curls deeper into him and for the first time in his life he has the impulse to break into song. He racks his brain trying to think of any songs he knows that aren't completely inappropriate.
He flashes on the day before. The soft, lilting sound of Kurt singing to himself.
So let the sun shine in
face it with a grin.
Smilers never lose
and frowners never win.
So let the sun shine in
face it with a grin
Open up your heart and let the sun shine in.
Sarah yawns and her bottom lip grazes his collarbone. Tears spring to his eyes as an unfamiliar feeling rushes through his veins. He knows that there will be hell to pay when his mom comes home. He knows that he will be forced to love his sister like this. Taken in stolen moments when his mother isn't around to tell him how just touching her is making her dirty. Making her less than.
She snuffles against his neck as he continues sing Kurt's song. The liquor bottle abandoned by the foot of the bed. He can't help to think that she's worth it.
Day 4- You Are My Sunshine
The empty hallways make a deep contentment sit in Kurt's belly. It's the best thing about staying for his AP extracurricular activities. In the distance he can hear the quiet slaps of football pad hitting each other. He can hear the quick whistles and shouts. He knows he's safe for a moment. He's learned the hard way who much more difficult thirteen is than twelve. He's learning that crushing on the cute boy with the mohawk in English class is a lot harder when you have to hide the evidence with your book bag.
Kurt's eyes linger on the small pile of books stacked in his locker. He pretends not to remember all the embarrassing scribbles in the margins. The sad little doodles of KH + NP. The wishful scrawl of Kurt Puckerman.
In the background he can hear the stomp of football cleats. He had lost almost fifteen minutes daydreaming. He doesn't notice her at first. So lost in the strange feeling of longing and hope lingering inside him. But soon her popping gum and the heavy smell of hairspray overwhelms him. When he turns around she already tapping her foot impatiently.
“Yo, do you know Puck?” Her voice is bored and makes Kurt's skin crawl.
“If you're referring to Noah Puckerman, than yes. We have been acquainted.”
“Listen, I don't know what the fuck you just said, little kid. But you gotta take her 'cause I gotta jet.”
It isn't until then that he notices the baby on her hip. He's too shocked to say anything as the baby is thrust into his arms and the loud clomp of retreating boot heels fill the empty hall.
The baby looks at him with wary, brown eyes. Almost like she trying to see if he can be trusted. A piece of his heart breaks as he realizes that it's a skill she already feels like she needs. Kurt can literally feel the moment she decides he's one of the good guys. Her tense body relaxes against him and she sits on his hip like she's been there a hundred times before.
He's not sure why but he hugs her tighter and pulls her against his chest. He walks with a tiny bounce in his step as he paces in front of the locker room door. He knows he has to wait for Puck to finish getting changed. Just like he knows that the jocks will make him shower last. He knows it's going to be a long wait.
He slides down to sit against the wall. He lays the baby on his propped up thighs. She's looking up at him and gurgling. She's the most beautiful thing Kurt has ever seen. Suddenly the quiet hallway feels empty. He's not sure why but his voice decides that it needs to steal the silence.
You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are gray.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away
Warmth floods him as her tiny hands wraps around his finger. She pulls his hand towards her mouth and cringes slightly she pulls his finger inside. The tip of his finger grazes the faint beginnings of her bottom teeth and tears well in his eyes. How had he not met this beautiful little girl?
“What the fuck?” Puck's voice startled Kurt out of his trance. He struggled to his feet and let the baby rest against his hip again.
“Puck, this girl came and asked me if I knew you. Then she just handed her to me.” Kurt's speech stuttered as the baby grabbed at his bottom lip.
Puck looked at Kurt stunned for a minute before lashing out and punching at the row of lockers on the opposite side of the hall.
“Fuckin' Lydia. I'm gonna kill that bitch.” Puck whispered angrily.
The loud noise seemed to startle the baby in Kurt's arms and her lip quivered against Kurt's neck. The whimper seemed to melt away Puck's rage and he swept the baby into his arms. Frantically looking her over to see if she was hurt. His shoulders relaxed as one of his questing hands made her giggle.
“Sorry, Kurt. This is my sister, Sarah. My cousin was supposed to watch her until I got home.”
Kurt just shrugs and leans forward to run a soft finger over Sarah's cheek. “Well, it's nice to meet you Sarah.”
Kurt gives Puck a soft smile before turning to walk down the hallway. Puck knows he should say something. Should stop him. But he knows he has too many words and not enough all at the same time. Instead he turns in the opposite direction. Sarah's small hand reaches over his shoulder.
“Sunshine?”
There is it. Her first word. Puck almost crumples under the weight of it. He looks back at Kurt. He sees the way thick beams of light attach themselves to Kurt's body. He sees the Kurt he saw every night when he closes his eyes and dreams of morning.
He turns away again and pulls Sarah against him even tighter.
“Yeah, baby. You got it right. He's sunshine.”
Day 5- You Won't Be Mine
They spend three years playing. Kurt plays the gay kid that always shows up for dumpster dives and slushie facials. Noah plays at being Puck. Hard, angry, untouchable. He plays the part so well that Kurt almost believes him.
Kurt tries to look at someone else the way he always looked at Noah. He fluttered his eyes at Finn and hoped that friction of his eyelashes hitting his cheeks would be enough to cause sparks. He hoped that it would be enough. That he could make himself feel something for the boy that seemed like he would never hurt him.
But still Noah lingered in his heart. He sometimes got lost in Puck. Lost in the fear that would race through his veins. The cold stare that would burn his skin. But then Puck would press Kurt against his chest and Kurt would remember. He would remember that this was the chest that he would let a sleepy baby fall asleep on. He would remember the wide, brown eyes of a baby girl he'd only seen once. He would remember that Puck was capable of love and hope would spark in his chest.
It's almost like being free
And I know soon you will be
Over the lies, you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love and you will carry on
But no - oh no
No you won't be mine
It stayed buried underneath all the layers of fabric and artifice. It would get pushed further down every day. It had started high in his heart. The feeling of anything being possible making him believe. Each press and slide of Puck's lips on someone else. Each sordid tale that would trail out into the silent after school hallways. Each day Kurt would feel that hope sliding further down into the pit of his stomach.
Puck watches at Kurt bats his eyelashes at Finn. Puck watches Kurt in hiding. Puck smiles at him. Puck presses him firmly against his chest. Puck watches as the smile plastered on Kurt's face actually starts to look like it hurts. Puck remembers what it felt like to look at Kurt. Puck still remembers what he thought it meant. Puck remembers what it was like to live like his life belonged to him.
Puck kisses the girls he's supposed to want to kiss. But Puck remembers it all and watches the clock. He watches the clock and waits for both of them to be ready.
Day 6- Bed Of Lies
Quinn getting pregnant is the best and worst thing that ever happens to him. He's scared of being like his old man. He's terrified about being made to do the right thing. He's petrified that Quinn is going to get rid of the baby but he's almost as scared she'll keep the baby too. It all seems like too much, way too soon. But he's elated about the idea of looking to to someone's face and being able to say she's got my nose or she's got my eyes. He thinks his daughter will have the same overflowing curls that she will curse for being saddled with. She will belong to him.
He is painfully aware that the man in him knows that Quinn will want him to do right by her. He knows what that means. It means living cheque to cheque. It means a life of second-hand furniture and first-hand regrets. It means hiding who he is until the forty years pressure finally make him crack and he's caught in a back alley or a bathroom. Over fifty years old with a twenty year old between his legs. It means lies. And his gut tells him that it means a life without Kurt.
Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over
Don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong
Where it's not enough just be sorry
Quinn giving up the baby is the best and worse thing that ever happens to him. His baby will live with someone equipped enough to give her the life she deserves. His baby will be happy. His baby will pull her wild curls into messy pigtails as she plays in the mud. His baby won't be his anymore.
When Puck says goodbye to Beth for the last time, he wanders aimlessly around the hospital. His feet lead him to a small, poorly-lit bathroom. The tiles bite angry grooves to his knuckles. His blood drips onto the floor and furious tears start to fall down his cheek.
Puck is pulled out of his anger by quiet sniffling coming from the other side of the stall. It's only then he sees the familiar Doc Martens and skinny jeans splayed against the tile floor. Puck leans against the stall as he looks over to see Kurt sobbing. He smiles through his tears as he slips down to sit next to Kurt against the wall.
Kurt turns to him the moment their shoulders brush. “Oh my god, Noah. I'm so sorry. What can I do?”
Puck gives him a sideways smile as Kurt asks him what he can do. He laced his fingers through Kurt's and let himself cry. Kurt held his hand tight until his knuckles ached and tiny droplets of blood soaked through Kurt's pant leg.
Kurt being there for him was the best and only way he could handle losing his daughter.
Day 7- On Night Like Tonight
Puck's thighs burn as every slight shift rubs the thick denim of his jeans into his skin. He's scared to leave the room. He's scared that if he lets go of Kurt's hand that he'll never get that feeling again. It had taken him sixteen years and more pain that he was willing to admit to feel the comforting press of Kurt's skin against his rough palm. But like always Kurt decided when he was ready to face the world.
With an undignified snort and a quick swipe of his free hand over his face, Kurt pulled Puck to stand up. He guided Puck over to the sink and gingerly cleans the wounds on his hand. He pulled out a thin handkerchief from his back pocket and wrapped Puck's knuckles. Cautious hands wiped the drying tears from Puck's cheeks and something inside of him snapped. His fingers mirrored Kurt's and the exhilarated thrill of Kurt's skin under his fingertips made him lean forward. He tilted Kurt's chin up and leaned in close. Kurt's breath skated along his lips as Puck groaned and closed his eyes.
But as quickly as it happened it was over. Kurt turned his head away as he pressed his forehead into Puck's cheek. Kurt's sobs started again. Pain filled Puck's chest as he felt Kurt's withdraw. Kurt lolled his head against Puck and he knew that Kurt was shaking his head.
“Nononono.... Not like this. Wanted you forever, but not like this.” Kurt pressed a heavy, sorrowful kiss on Puck's cheek before he made his way to the door. Puck stares at his back and started when Kurt spoke again.
“If tomorrow or the next day or a week from now in the daylight with your head clear , you still want that. Want me. Then we can talk. But I can't be this. I won't let us be this.
The broken okay is the first thing Puck said since he walked into that bathroom. As the tap of Kurt's boot heel descends down the hallway, Puck finally looks at himself in the mirror. He looks wrecked. He looks like he got the shit kicked out of him. He looks a little bit broken. He can see the cracks but he can also see that they're not as deep as he thought they'd be.
On nights like tonight when no one's around
I sit in the dark on my hands on the ground
And I smile like the devil smiles, unseen but proud
Truth be told I don't know who's at the helm
But just sit tight
I'll make my way to you
The smile looks wrong on his swollen face. He can almost hear his lips creak but he can't help it. He'd felt Kurt against his skin and shuddered at the exquisite memory of warm, sweet breath against his lips.
Puck's finger ran over the makeshift bandages Kurt had given him earlier. KH. The raised letters on the fabric shifted against his skin and made him shiver.
Puck spent the night locked in a hospital bathroom. Screaming and crying and grieving the past in the dark. When he woke up, the thin sliver of light that cut it's way through the darkness made him think of Kurt. After all, Kurt had mentioned daylight and a future. He can't help but smile into the sunlight because Kurt had mentioned an us.
Day 8- I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today
After Quinn gives Beth away, Puck can't leave his room for three weeks. Huddled under the blankets all he wants is sunlight. A stirring in his belly makes him feel like he doesn't deserve sunshine yet. He cries more than he ever has in his whole life. Laying in the darkness with just his quiet sobbing as a soundtrack, he is able to examine his life in a way he never could before.
He feels heavy under the lies. He still remembers Kurt's breath against his skin and the almost-kiss from all those weeks ago stabs into his stomach. He thinks he might be able to have Kurt. Someday. But first he has to get out of bed. This time he manages to make his shoulders leave the bed for five seconds before his body gives out and he falls back. His face crumples and he's ready to start crying again. But before the torturous tears can start again, his phone pings by his head. He reads Finn's text and curses himself for forgetting. This is their week.
Being bros with Finn for so long meant they had some pretty well-worn traditions. View Askew Week was one of those traditions that he couldn't quite remember the origin of. It just started one year. Now the would watch one movie a night from the collection. It always had to be in order. Tonight was Clerks. He pulled himself out of bed and into the shower. By the time he walked into Finn's house he felt human again. That was until he walked into the living room and saw Kurt sitting on the couch in pj's and a bowl of popcorn on his lap. Kurt with butter on his fingers and salt clinging to his lips made Puck's blood surge.
In the darkness, he feels like he's breathing too loud. He listens as Kurt laughs at all the right parts and quotes lines with Finn. Kurt impersonating Jay is probably the best thing he's ever seen. By the end he's not really paying attention to the movie anymore. He's watching Kurt. Watching the flush of his cheeks, the honest laugh, the bright smile. Suddenly the movie cuts through him like a knife. Silent Bob say his only line and forces Puck's heart into his own throat.
You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.
Puck watches Kurt clean up the living room. He watches as Kurt dances around looking him in the eye. He watches as his gaze makes Kurt shy. When Kurt passes Puck the blanket he can use, their fingers touch for the briefest moment. Kurt smiles shyly and slowly heads up stairs.
As Puck tries to fall asleep in the Hummel/Hudson living room, he can't stop thinking about Kurt. Well Kurt and Kevin Smith. But something tells him that Kurt wouldn't mind that so much.
Day 9- Mallrats, Schmallrats
Wanting Kurt is not a new feeling for Puck. He's well acquainted with the gnawing feeling deep in his gut. The near painful desire to graze his fingertips down Kurt's side. The craving for the slight flush of Kurt's skin. Yeah, he wanted Kurt. He had been there. Done That. Got the t-shirt and the constant boner to prove it. This though.... this just felt different.
Night two of View Askew week started exactly like the night before. Shy glances, butter-slick fingers gliding over his knuckles with each pass of the popcorn bowl. It was all the same. Except this it wasn't.
This time Kurt curled to lay on his side and the tips of his toes brushed Puck's thigh. This time Kurt fell asleep a little less than halfway through the movie. This time Finn bailed a few minutes later. This time Puck spent more of his time watching Kurt sleep than the movie.
Puck watched as Kurt's chest rose in deep, even breaths. He watched as the lazy fingers resting on Kurt's hipbone drifted down his own pelvis. He watched as the t-shirt inched up Kurt's belly and Kurt snored softly into the darkened room.
The familiar feeling rested in Puck's belly. This time though, the want mixed freely with need, with warmth and a feeling Puck always thought love might feel like.
You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?
That was the soundtrack to Puck realizing that he might be a little bit in love with Kurt Hummel.
Tell Em Steve-Dave
Well, that became the soundtrack of Puck thinking that it might be something he might like to share.
Day 10- Chasing Kurt
With everything that had been running though Puck’s mind, he really shouldn’t have been surprised that Chasing Amy turned out to be the film that pushed everything out into the open. This time Kurt was rigid. His back ramrod straight as Puck walked into the room. Puck knew he was in trouble.
This was Kurt completely closed off. It had been so long since he’d seen this side of Kurt. The harsh reality of it hit him square in the face. Dread ran down his back in icy licks. This is what happened the day after Kurt was vulnerable. This is what happens after you realize you love him and can’t fight the urge to curl up beside him on the narrow couch. This is what happens when you see his bed head and smell his morning breath and almost kiss him good morning. This is what happens when you get too close.
Finn sat in between them on the sofa, blissfully unaware of how awkward the situation was. Puck trying everything he could to get Kurt’s attention and Kurt throwing Puck a scornful look anytime there was a joke made by someone who was obviously a closet case. Puck was a little bit pissed. He thought that he and Kurt had an understanding. He thought they were both tiptoeing around the same invisible line. He thought they were both dancing around being more. He thought Kurt got it.
He waited until Kurt marched into the kitchen to get more popcorn. He cornered him and backed him up against the counter. Kurt’s eyes were wide and his back stiffened even further as Puck leaned in. The kiss was soft. Almost nonexistent but it was enough to make him push Puck halfway across the room with a violent shove.
“How dare you? You don’t get to hold my hand and try to kiss me then just leave for three weeks. That’s not how this works.”
Puck’s brows furrowed as he tried to understand what Kurt was talking about. Sure, he had disappeared for a bit after the hospital but the promise of Kurt was the only thing that kept him sane.
“Dude, I bailed for a bit. I had to. That was some pretty heavy shit, man.”
Kurt’s shoulders slumped and Puck felt him give into the moment.
“You left.” Kurt whispered.
Puck pulled Kurt into his arms and whispered into his neck. “I know.”
Kurt pulled back and his eyes darted across his face. His face breaks into a determined smile.
“But you came back.”
“I came back.”
As Kurt pressed his lips against Puck’s, he realized that no matter what happened. He would always come back.
Day 11 Hetero-Lifemate, Question Mark?
Kurt's kiss still hung on his lips as he walked into the Hummel/Hudson residence. It had been almost twenty four hours since their soft kisses were interrupted by Finn stumbling in from a fight with Rachel. Kurt had spent the next three hours being the supportive brother and Puck spent just as much time trying to figure out when Kurt had gotten so beautiful. They said good night with shy-touching hands at the door.
The next night, Finn is unusually quiet. Puck frowns as he watches Finn look at the screen. His face is pulled into the expression he always gets when he's one minute away from connecting something. Puck knows it can't be the movie. They've watched Dogma at least fifteen times. Puck knew that Finn got everything that was going on after the fourth or fifth viewing. It pulls Puck's focus and tension rest heavy in his stomach. Finn is thinking. It usually hurts Puck when Finn starts thinking. That's usually when he starts realizing all the ways Puck has lied to keep his secrets.
Kurt doesn't realize what's happening. He's too engrossed in the movie. The tip of his tongue running against the corner of his mouth makes Puck's blood rush. Puck's caught between worry and arousal when Finn's voice breaks the silence.
“Hey, Kurt?”
Kurt starts slightly. “Yes, Finn?”
“When Jay introduces Silent Bob as his hetero-lifemate, he's lying right?” Finn presses on despite the confused expression that takes over Kurt's face. “I mean they are life mates but they're not straight, right?”
Kurt locks eyes with Puck across the room. “Why do you think that?”
Finn shrugs and the expression clears from his face. “I dunno. They just seem... I mean I think they seem kinda in love, ya know?”
“Yeah, Finn. They kinda do.”
Kurt blushes as his eyes drop to Puck's lips. A soft smile pulls at Puck's lips as the silence is taken by Finn's laugh. Puck's smile takes Kurt's breath and he can't help but smile back.
Puck settles back in his chair. He drowns in his oldest friend's laughter and the softly whispered words that sound almost like a promise.
Then the Golgothan shows up and all Puck can think about is how fucking much this movie rules.
Day 12 Shy and Silent Insecurity Strike Back
Kurt is nowhere to be seen. Even with Finn's hulking body taking up almost half of the couch, it still looks painfully empty. His leg bounces as he trains his ears for Kurt's movement through the house. He hates that he has to sit there pretending that he doesn't need to seek Kurt out. He hates that secrecy makes him sit still as the opening credits of the next View Askew movie play.
Finn falls asleep about twenty minutes into the movie and Puck forces himself to stay where he is for another ten minutes. When Finn stirs lightly before erupting in snores, Puck decides to take a chance and go searching. It only takes a few minutes for Puck to find him.
Puck leaned against the door jam leading to the kitchen and smiled when he saw Kurt sitting on the counter. In the same corner he had backed him into a few night before. His eyes are downcast.
“Well, look at this morose motherfucker right here?”
Kurt smiled as Puck quoted the movie that was playing loudly in the other room. He didn't lift his head up though and it made Puck crave the sharp intensity of blue eyes. He made it across to Kurt and settled into the apex of his thighs. He lifted Kurt's chin to make him look him in the eye.
“Hey.” Puck's whispered
“Hi.” Kurt's voice cracked in a way that made worry sit in Puck's belly.
“I missed you out there.” Puck says as he tilts his head towards the living room.
“Yeah? I just... didn't know if you would want me out there.”
“Why wouldn't I?”
Kurt shrugged but wouldn't continue until Puck's hands went to rest on his thighs.
“We didn't really talk about everything or anything. I wasn't sure where we stood.”
Kurt's eyes stay locked on Puck's collarbone and Puck can practically feel the anxiety flowing off of him. It's only then that he realizes how unfair he was being. He'd expected Kurt to inherently know what he meant with a few stolen kisses and longing looks.
“Okay. So this is where. Right here. Me in front of you, wanting to kiss you. That's were we stand right now.”
Kurt's eyes blaze as his head jerks up.
“That's now. Secret kisses in my father's kitchen isn't exactly where I want to stand. I can't do this if it's not all the way.”
Puck shakes his head. “Baby, I was always all in.”
Kurt's hands find their way around his neck. Shy fingertips brush the back of his ears and he shudders. This time when they kiss, it's different. This time, nothing about the kiss is stolen.
Day 13 Just A Thursday Night
When Puck had woken up that morning, he was half considering what lesson he was going to learn for this View Askew movie, Clerks 2. It had a donkey show, for god's sake. But he should have known better. He should have known that he was bound to learn something. That seemed to that week's MO. Life lessons masquerading in between dick jokes.
Kurt looks beautiful. He looks happy. But the thing Puck notices this time, is Kurt looks like his. Kurt looks like he finally belongs to and with someone. Puck wonders if Kurt can tell that he feels the same. Puck runs a hand over his face almost as if he's trying to wipe the smile off. Finn chatters in the background but all Puck can think about is getting Kurt alone.
He waits until it's popcorn time and follows Kurt into the kitchen. They stand beside each other as the popping noises and the deep sound of their tandem breathing are the only things that break the silence. He's nervous about asking. He knows he has to. He knows that Kurt deserves this. But he's never done this before. He has a vague idea of the steps but he hasn't quite learned how to follow them yet.
“So, on Saturday the Angelica is showing a John Hughes retrospective. Do you maybe wanna go?” Puck cringes at the tone in his own voice.
“You mean, like a date?”
Puck swallows heavily. “Yeah, a date.”
Puck almost misses the nod of Kurt's head but the small movement lifts the weight that had been sitting on his shoulders. He smiles to himself and turns back to watch the popcorn fill the bowl.
The loud sound of glass breaking pulls everyone into the living room. Everyone else looks terrified. Puck can feel the fear rushing in his veins but then he looks at Kurt. He's wearing the same look of sad resignation as Burt is. They are both staring at the broken glass of the living room window and the large brick that has the words dead fag on the side. They look like this is familiar. They look like this isn't the first time they'll have to pick glass shards out of their carpet.
Everyone else looks horrified. For everyone else, this is the first time hate has shown up on their door step. For the Hummel's, this is just a Thursday night.
From the TV, Randal's voice breaks the silence. He's yelling the thing that will make Puck realize that all of this comes with being with Kurt. With being out. It will also be the thing that helps him realize that all of it is worth it. That small line of dialogue will be the thing he need to give him the courage to kiss Kurt in public for the first time. But even he knows he's not ready to learn that lesson yet.
But still, he should have known he'd learn something. Life lessons masquerading in between dick jokes. He really should have known.
Day 14- Ms. Abaline And The Angelica
His palms are sweaty as he paces out side the Angelica. The old movie theater is the only place Puck has ever felt home. The fabric of its red seats hold years of his life. Entire summers that he spent jumping from theater to theater. Getting lost in the world of people that were living the lives he wanted to live. Ms. Abaline would sneak him stuff from the concession when people weren't looking. He anxiously looked out the sidewalk. Scanning the streets looking for Kurt.
Tonight meant a lot of firsts. It was the first time he was taking Kurt out. It was the first time Puck had actually been on a real date. But most importantly, it was the first time he was bringing someone to his secret place.
Puck's breath caught in his throat as he watched Kurt walk towards him. He was wearing jeans and a sweater. It was probably the most dressed-down Puck had ever seen him, and he'd never been more beautiful. Puck watched as Kurt ran a nervous hand through his hair. The action made Kurt look even further disheveled and Puck had a momentary thought about abandoning this being-a-gentleman thing. But then Kurt saw him and smiled.
They walked through the gold doors and Ms. Abaline waved them over to the concession stand. He spent a few minutes talking with her before making his way back to Kurt. When Ms. Abaline gave him a thumbs up as he trailed behind Kurt he knew that she approved of his date.
Kurt gasped beside him. Dread ran down his back. Trying to catalog all the ways he might have fucked up. Kurt's fingers trailed over the rough, red fabric of the seats. When he turned back to look as Puck, he had tears in his eyes.
“I've been here.” Kurt's broken whisper tears at Puck's gut and makes him glad that the theater is empty. He's about to ask Kurt what's wrong when he sits down gingerly in the back row.
“I've been here before. Every Sunday, they used to show old movies. The Sound of Music. Cabaret. Funny Girl. Breakfast at Tiffany's. I used to come here with my mom every week. She'd put chocolate-covered raisins on her popcorn. I haven't been here since... since.... she's been gone.” Soft tears take Kurt's voice and Puck kicks himself for fucking up so hard.
Kurt stands and walks over to Puck. Puck cringes and he expects that Kurt's just going to keep walking. Walking out of the theater, out of the building, out of his life. Instead he wraps Puck in a bone-crushing hug. They stay locked like that until Kurt pulls back slightly to rest his palm against Puck's cheek.
“Thank you for bringing me here.”
Kurt's lips on his are soft and the hand on his cheek is warm but Puck knows that has nothing to do with why he's blushing.
When he hands Kurt a box of chocolate-covered raisins, he feels like he got it right. When Kurt kisses him he tastes like butter and chocolate. He taste like happiness. He tastes like home.
Day 15 Won't You Come See About Me?
The night air was unusually crisp for the first week of August. The short walk from Puck's truck to the front door made a small chill prickle at Kurt's skin. But still he couldn't help the longing look he cast down the street. Everything in him wanted to ask Puck if they could take a walk. If they could indulge in that slow, languid movement that meant they weren't anxious to get anywhere. As he climbed the first stair towards his front door, he shook his head. As if he was trying to clear his thoughts. Puck had already given him the most perfect first date and here he was expecting more. As he was heading up the third stair, Puck's long fingers grabbed his wrist.
“Kurt, wait.”
Kurt turned to look at Puck and waited as the silence stretched. He was about to ask Puck what was wrong.
“You wanna maybe go for walk? There a little park down there. It's really nice.”
Kurt looked at him with a shocked expression. Puck had mistaken that stunned expression as a rebuffal of his question.
“Sorry, that was stupid. I just didn't want tonight to end just yet.”
Puck shrugged slightly and turned to walk down the driveway. He was halfway to the curb before Kurt broke out of his stupor and ran after him. He went to catch Puck's wrist but ended up grabbing his hand. Puck gave him a surprised look before he smiled and laced their fingers together.
The movie from the night is still rattling around Kurt's head.
Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on
John Hughes had written about the princess falling for the delinquent. Walking hand in hand with Puck on a sleepy August night, the only thing Kurt could think about is how hot Puck would look with his fist raised in the air because he's gotten his princess.
**
Continued in Day 16-30
Author: emo_chick_87
Pairing,Character(s): Puck/Kurt
Rating: PG
Word Count: 15 859 in two parts
Spoilers: Season 1
Genre: Angst/Fluff
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.
Summary: My contribution to the puckurt 30 day drabble challenge.
AN: I started this thinking that each drabble would be a oneshot. After the first week, I noticed that they were all linked. Now thirty days later, they read kinda like a complete story.
Day One- Be My Yoko Ono
Kurt sighed as the discman whirled against his leg. His small hand wrapped protectively around the player. He watched as the people in the seat behind him peeked over at it. He was pretty sure he was the only twelve year old on the bus that had parents that could afford to get him one. He had already told his dad that it wasn't the kind of thing he should bring to school but he did have to admit that the respite that it provided on his way to school was very welcome.
He cringed as the next song started. He really should have know better than to leave the house without checking it first but still, it wasn't until he was huddled in his seat that he realized his Jewel CD was not what he was listening to.
He kind of recognized most of it. There was a vague remembrance of silly songs that his dad used to sing to him while making even sillier faces. The song skipped as the bus skidded over the speed bumps that meant the were crossing into Lima Height Adjacent. Even through the music, Kurt could feel the way the bus silenced in a terrified hush. Kurt had felt the familiar feeling of fear that would always rush through him. The fear that would remind him that he was about to see the boy that made him tingle in his belly and a few places lower that he wasn't entirely sure how to deal with yet.
He watched as Puck lumbered to his seat in the back.. He was just starting in enjoy the thick, rich smell that always lingered when Puck passed when pain collided with grief in his stomach. He heard the words he'd heard every day for the first six years of his life. The song seemed faster than his dad would usually sing it, so it almost made Kurt forget about all those days in the kitchen. Eating cereal at the dining room table as his dad's voice would drift out of the kitchen. It almost made him forget the breathy laugh that always followed his dad singing the last line of the song.
If I was John and you were Yoko,
I would gladly give up musical genius,
just to have you as my very own, personal Venus.
The ghost of his mommy's laugh rang loud in his ears as the next song started and a dark shadow moved to tower over him. When he looked up he saw the growl before it was ready to leave Puck's lips. Puck's hand swept the discman out of Kurt's hands. The force pulled his headphones off his head and left his ears ringing for a whole other reason.
Puck's face softened when he saw the thick grief on Kurt's face and the heavy tears in his eyes. He looked at Kurt almost like he didn't want to finish what he'd just started. The hungry stares that rested on both of their backs told them they didn't have a choice.
Puck stalked back to his seat and watched as Kurt crumpled into tears. Despite his tears, Kurt could feel his heart lift slightly. Puck had looked at him plenty of times before but this time Puck had actually seen him.
Kurt held on to that feeling. It followed him through grade school. It clung to his skin through middle school. It slept in his back pocket for the first year of high school. He held on tight until he could replace it with being in love. He saved it until Puck was ready to be more.
Day 2- Wrap Your Arms Around Me
Puck waited at the bus stop as his watched his mom waddle down the street. She was about eight months pregnant with the person that supposed to be his sister. Angry tears threatened to fall as he remembered that his dad had been gone just as long. He cursed the parasite growing in his mother's stomach. It was her fault that his daddy had left. It was her fault that his mom hadn't remembered that today was his twelfth birthday.
The heavy smell of fumes filled the spring air and Puck swiped an angry hand over his eyes. It was time to put the mask in place. By the time the bus doors swung open he was ready to be Puck again. The first thing he saw was Kurt. Kurt with his soft, porcelain skin. Kurt with his tiny crooked smile. Kurt with his light, summer smell. It made him furious. Kurt always made him furious. A feeling he didn't understand would brew heavy in his stomach whenever he saw Kurt.
He doesn't really want to take Kurt's stuff or make Kurt cry but he can't help himself. That was the one time he sees Kurt with a look other that blank indifference. It was the one time Puck could practically feel his heartbeat in his throat. It's the only time Puck gets to talk to him.
Puck slouched in the back seat of the bus. His back burning as shame ran angry stripes along his skin. His hand limply clutched the discman he'd just stolen from Kurt. Puck can feel it bounce against his thigh. He pulled the headphones over his ears and lets the music flow over him. A soft song breaks his heart even further. The words swirl around him and make the tears that were threatening to fall earlier spring back to his eye.
Do you believe that we are all innately good?
Do you think that you would love me until tomorrow if you could?
His heart clenched hard in his chest as he heard Kurt's sniffles from the middle of the bus. He struggled with the way his finger itch to touch Kurt. To comfort him. But Puck knows it's not his place. So instead he pulls with jacket over his face. Silent tears fall down his cheeks and soak into the old polyester. He is good at keeping his sobs quiet. He's practiced at making sure his hiccuped breaths look like he's sleeping. His fingers itch the inside of his thigh as he wonders if he will ever get the chance to do that to Kurt. To feel the twitch of soft skin against his fingertips. He always wonders a lot of things.
In the end, Puck doesn't give Kurt his discman back. He keeps it next to his bed. In the dark of night, he lets himself dream. He lets himself think about what it might mean to make it up to Kurt.
I regret every time I raised my voice
And it wouldn't be that bright of me to say I had no choice.
I can kiss your eyes your hair your neck
until we forget.
He doesn't know if Kurt is the kind of boy that likes boys like him. He isn't even sure if he's the kind of boy that could like a boy like Kurt. Puck doesn't know very much but he knows that the feeling sitting in his belly isn't something he should ignore. But then Kurt's sobs get a bit louder. Then all he can do is bury his head deeper into his coat and hope for the day when he can say he's sorry.
Day 3 Open Up Your Heart And Let The Sun Shine In
He'd woken up to a small baseball glove on his bed. There was a little tag on the side that said Happy Birthday, Noah. His heart clenched hard in his chest. His birthday was almost six months ago. He assumed it was the thought that counted. He stumbled into the living room just after noon and cringed when he saw his cousin Lydia sprawled out on the couch. Of all the things to happen since Sarah was brought home, Lydia becoming a permanent fixture on their couch was one of the worst.
Puck had always hated Lydia. She was the kind of cousin that would let her boyfriend steal all there food while ignoring the Sarah's screams. He glanced over that the carrier sitting on the lazyboy. All he saw was pink blankets. That's all he ever saw. It had been about three months since Sarah was born and his mom still hadn't let him hold her. She always kept him at arms length. Mumbling about germs and other things that would haunt his dreams. The crushing press of not being trusted weighing heavy on his chest.
The thin wood of the liquor cabinet gives way easily under his prying hands. Half empty bottles are calling him like a siren song. Thick, amber liquid being to take him away. The neck of the bottle is cool between his fingers as it hangs loosely at his side. He's almost out of the living room when he hears Sarah whimper. The sound hits him and it's worse than every screaming cry he's heard before.
His free hand pulls the carrier off the chair. Liquor in one hand, his baby sister in the other. Both bounced against his thigh as he tripped back into his bedroom. He could hear Lydia snoring and he cringed as her breath stuttered in her sleep. He held his breath as he waited to see if she woke up. If she woke up and saw Sarah in his room, there would be hell to pay.
He's looking at her under all the pink blankets. It's the first time he's been this close to her and his heart jumps into his throat. In that moment, all he knows is she belongs to him. That she's his baby sister. That she's his.
She tucks under his arm like she was meant to be there. She curls deeper into him and for the first time in his life he has the impulse to break into song. He racks his brain trying to think of any songs he knows that aren't completely inappropriate.
He flashes on the day before. The soft, lilting sound of Kurt singing to himself.
So let the sun shine in
face it with a grin.
Smilers never lose
and frowners never win.
So let the sun shine in
face it with a grin
Open up your heart and let the sun shine in.
Sarah yawns and her bottom lip grazes his collarbone. Tears spring to his eyes as an unfamiliar feeling rushes through his veins. He knows that there will be hell to pay when his mom comes home. He knows that he will be forced to love his sister like this. Taken in stolen moments when his mother isn't around to tell him how just touching her is making her dirty. Making her less than.
She snuffles against his neck as he continues sing Kurt's song. The liquor bottle abandoned by the foot of the bed. He can't help to think that she's worth it.
Day 4- You Are My Sunshine
The empty hallways make a deep contentment sit in Kurt's belly. It's the best thing about staying for his AP extracurricular activities. In the distance he can hear the quiet slaps of football pad hitting each other. He can hear the quick whistles and shouts. He knows he's safe for a moment. He's learned the hard way who much more difficult thirteen is than twelve. He's learning that crushing on the cute boy with the mohawk in English class is a lot harder when you have to hide the evidence with your book bag.
Kurt's eyes linger on the small pile of books stacked in his locker. He pretends not to remember all the embarrassing scribbles in the margins. The sad little doodles of KH + NP. The wishful scrawl of Kurt Puckerman.
In the background he can hear the stomp of football cleats. He had lost almost fifteen minutes daydreaming. He doesn't notice her at first. So lost in the strange feeling of longing and hope lingering inside him. But soon her popping gum and the heavy smell of hairspray overwhelms him. When he turns around she already tapping her foot impatiently.
“Yo, do you know Puck?” Her voice is bored and makes Kurt's skin crawl.
“If you're referring to Noah Puckerman, than yes. We have been acquainted.”
“Listen, I don't know what the fuck you just said, little kid. But you gotta take her 'cause I gotta jet.”
It isn't until then that he notices the baby on her hip. He's too shocked to say anything as the baby is thrust into his arms and the loud clomp of retreating boot heels fill the empty hall.
The baby looks at him with wary, brown eyes. Almost like she trying to see if he can be trusted. A piece of his heart breaks as he realizes that it's a skill she already feels like she needs. Kurt can literally feel the moment she decides he's one of the good guys. Her tense body relaxes against him and she sits on his hip like she's been there a hundred times before.
He's not sure why but he hugs her tighter and pulls her against his chest. He walks with a tiny bounce in his step as he paces in front of the locker room door. He knows he has to wait for Puck to finish getting changed. Just like he knows that the jocks will make him shower last. He knows it's going to be a long wait.
He slides down to sit against the wall. He lays the baby on his propped up thighs. She's looking up at him and gurgling. She's the most beautiful thing Kurt has ever seen. Suddenly the quiet hallway feels empty. He's not sure why but his voice decides that it needs to steal the silence.
You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are gray.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away
Warmth floods him as her tiny hands wraps around his finger. She pulls his hand towards her mouth and cringes slightly she pulls his finger inside. The tip of his finger grazes the faint beginnings of her bottom teeth and tears well in his eyes. How had he not met this beautiful little girl?
“What the fuck?” Puck's voice startled Kurt out of his trance. He struggled to his feet and let the baby rest against his hip again.
“Puck, this girl came and asked me if I knew you. Then she just handed her to me.” Kurt's speech stuttered as the baby grabbed at his bottom lip.
Puck looked at Kurt stunned for a minute before lashing out and punching at the row of lockers on the opposite side of the hall.
“Fuckin' Lydia. I'm gonna kill that bitch.” Puck whispered angrily.
The loud noise seemed to startle the baby in Kurt's arms and her lip quivered against Kurt's neck. The whimper seemed to melt away Puck's rage and he swept the baby into his arms. Frantically looking her over to see if she was hurt. His shoulders relaxed as one of his questing hands made her giggle.
“Sorry, Kurt. This is my sister, Sarah. My cousin was supposed to watch her until I got home.”
Kurt just shrugs and leans forward to run a soft finger over Sarah's cheek. “Well, it's nice to meet you Sarah.”
Kurt gives Puck a soft smile before turning to walk down the hallway. Puck knows he should say something. Should stop him. But he knows he has too many words and not enough all at the same time. Instead he turns in the opposite direction. Sarah's small hand reaches over his shoulder.
“Sunshine?”
There is it. Her first word. Puck almost crumples under the weight of it. He looks back at Kurt. He sees the way thick beams of light attach themselves to Kurt's body. He sees the Kurt he saw every night when he closes his eyes and dreams of morning.
He turns away again and pulls Sarah against him even tighter.
“Yeah, baby. You got it right. He's sunshine.”
Day 5- You Won't Be Mine
They spend three years playing. Kurt plays the gay kid that always shows up for dumpster dives and slushie facials. Noah plays at being Puck. Hard, angry, untouchable. He plays the part so well that Kurt almost believes him.
Kurt tries to look at someone else the way he always looked at Noah. He fluttered his eyes at Finn and hoped that friction of his eyelashes hitting his cheeks would be enough to cause sparks. He hoped that it would be enough. That he could make himself feel something for the boy that seemed like he would never hurt him.
But still Noah lingered in his heart. He sometimes got lost in Puck. Lost in the fear that would race through his veins. The cold stare that would burn his skin. But then Puck would press Kurt against his chest and Kurt would remember. He would remember that this was the chest that he would let a sleepy baby fall asleep on. He would remember the wide, brown eyes of a baby girl he'd only seen once. He would remember that Puck was capable of love and hope would spark in his chest.
It's almost like being free
And I know soon you will be
Over the lies, you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love and you will carry on
But no - oh no
No you won't be mine
It stayed buried underneath all the layers of fabric and artifice. It would get pushed further down every day. It had started high in his heart. The feeling of anything being possible making him believe. Each press and slide of Puck's lips on someone else. Each sordid tale that would trail out into the silent after school hallways. Each day Kurt would feel that hope sliding further down into the pit of his stomach.
Puck watches at Kurt bats his eyelashes at Finn. Puck watches Kurt in hiding. Puck smiles at him. Puck presses him firmly against his chest. Puck watches as the smile plastered on Kurt's face actually starts to look like it hurts. Puck remembers what it felt like to look at Kurt. Puck still remembers what he thought it meant. Puck remembers what it was like to live like his life belonged to him.
Puck kisses the girls he's supposed to want to kiss. But Puck remembers it all and watches the clock. He watches the clock and waits for both of them to be ready.
Day 6- Bed Of Lies
Quinn getting pregnant is the best and worst thing that ever happens to him. He's scared of being like his old man. He's terrified about being made to do the right thing. He's petrified that Quinn is going to get rid of the baby but he's almost as scared she'll keep the baby too. It all seems like too much, way too soon. But he's elated about the idea of looking to to someone's face and being able to say she's got my nose or she's got my eyes. He thinks his daughter will have the same overflowing curls that she will curse for being saddled with. She will belong to him.
He is painfully aware that the man in him knows that Quinn will want him to do right by her. He knows what that means. It means living cheque to cheque. It means a life of second-hand furniture and first-hand regrets. It means hiding who he is until the forty years pressure finally make him crack and he's caught in a back alley or a bathroom. Over fifty years old with a twenty year old between his legs. It means lies. And his gut tells him that it means a life without Kurt.
Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over
Don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong
Where it's not enough just be sorry
Quinn giving up the baby is the best and worse thing that ever happens to him. His baby will live with someone equipped enough to give her the life she deserves. His baby will be happy. His baby will pull her wild curls into messy pigtails as she plays in the mud. His baby won't be his anymore.
When Puck says goodbye to Beth for the last time, he wanders aimlessly around the hospital. His feet lead him to a small, poorly-lit bathroom. The tiles bite angry grooves to his knuckles. His blood drips onto the floor and furious tears start to fall down his cheek.
Puck is pulled out of his anger by quiet sniffling coming from the other side of the stall. It's only then he sees the familiar Doc Martens and skinny jeans splayed against the tile floor. Puck leans against the stall as he looks over to see Kurt sobbing. He smiles through his tears as he slips down to sit next to Kurt against the wall.
Kurt turns to him the moment their shoulders brush. “Oh my god, Noah. I'm so sorry. What can I do?”
Puck gives him a sideways smile as Kurt asks him what he can do. He laced his fingers through Kurt's and let himself cry. Kurt held his hand tight until his knuckles ached and tiny droplets of blood soaked through Kurt's pant leg.
Kurt being there for him was the best and only way he could handle losing his daughter.
Day 7- On Night Like Tonight
Puck's thighs burn as every slight shift rubs the thick denim of his jeans into his skin. He's scared to leave the room. He's scared that if he lets go of Kurt's hand that he'll never get that feeling again. It had taken him sixteen years and more pain that he was willing to admit to feel the comforting press of Kurt's skin against his rough palm. But like always Kurt decided when he was ready to face the world.
With an undignified snort and a quick swipe of his free hand over his face, Kurt pulled Puck to stand up. He guided Puck over to the sink and gingerly cleans the wounds on his hand. He pulled out a thin handkerchief from his back pocket and wrapped Puck's knuckles. Cautious hands wiped the drying tears from Puck's cheeks and something inside of him snapped. His fingers mirrored Kurt's and the exhilarated thrill of Kurt's skin under his fingertips made him lean forward. He tilted Kurt's chin up and leaned in close. Kurt's breath skated along his lips as Puck groaned and closed his eyes.
But as quickly as it happened it was over. Kurt turned his head away as he pressed his forehead into Puck's cheek. Kurt's sobs started again. Pain filled Puck's chest as he felt Kurt's withdraw. Kurt lolled his head against Puck and he knew that Kurt was shaking his head.
“Nononono.... Not like this. Wanted you forever, but not like this.” Kurt pressed a heavy, sorrowful kiss on Puck's cheek before he made his way to the door. Puck stares at his back and started when Kurt spoke again.
“If tomorrow or the next day or a week from now in the daylight with your head clear , you still want that. Want me. Then we can talk. But I can't be this. I won't let us be this.
The broken okay is the first thing Puck said since he walked into that bathroom. As the tap of Kurt's boot heel descends down the hallway, Puck finally looks at himself in the mirror. He looks wrecked. He looks like he got the shit kicked out of him. He looks a little bit broken. He can see the cracks but he can also see that they're not as deep as he thought they'd be.
On nights like tonight when no one's around
I sit in the dark on my hands on the ground
And I smile like the devil smiles, unseen but proud
Truth be told I don't know who's at the helm
But just sit tight
I'll make my way to you
The smile looks wrong on his swollen face. He can almost hear his lips creak but he can't help it. He'd felt Kurt against his skin and shuddered at the exquisite memory of warm, sweet breath against his lips.
Puck's finger ran over the makeshift bandages Kurt had given him earlier. KH. The raised letters on the fabric shifted against his skin and made him shiver.
Puck spent the night locked in a hospital bathroom. Screaming and crying and grieving the past in the dark. When he woke up, the thin sliver of light that cut it's way through the darkness made him think of Kurt. After all, Kurt had mentioned daylight and a future. He can't help but smile into the sunlight because Kurt had mentioned an us.
Day 8- I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today
After Quinn gives Beth away, Puck can't leave his room for three weeks. Huddled under the blankets all he wants is sunlight. A stirring in his belly makes him feel like he doesn't deserve sunshine yet. He cries more than he ever has in his whole life. Laying in the darkness with just his quiet sobbing as a soundtrack, he is able to examine his life in a way he never could before.
He feels heavy under the lies. He still remembers Kurt's breath against his skin and the almost-kiss from all those weeks ago stabs into his stomach. He thinks he might be able to have Kurt. Someday. But first he has to get out of bed. This time he manages to make his shoulders leave the bed for five seconds before his body gives out and he falls back. His face crumples and he's ready to start crying again. But before the torturous tears can start again, his phone pings by his head. He reads Finn's text and curses himself for forgetting. This is their week.
Being bros with Finn for so long meant they had some pretty well-worn traditions. View Askew Week was one of those traditions that he couldn't quite remember the origin of. It just started one year. Now the would watch one movie a night from the collection. It always had to be in order. Tonight was Clerks. He pulled himself out of bed and into the shower. By the time he walked into Finn's house he felt human again. That was until he walked into the living room and saw Kurt sitting on the couch in pj's and a bowl of popcorn on his lap. Kurt with butter on his fingers and salt clinging to his lips made Puck's blood surge.
In the darkness, he feels like he's breathing too loud. He listens as Kurt laughs at all the right parts and quotes lines with Finn. Kurt impersonating Jay is probably the best thing he's ever seen. By the end he's not really paying attention to the movie anymore. He's watching Kurt. Watching the flush of his cheeks, the honest laugh, the bright smile. Suddenly the movie cuts through him like a knife. Silent Bob say his only line and forces Puck's heart into his own throat.
You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.
Puck watches Kurt clean up the living room. He watches as Kurt dances around looking him in the eye. He watches as his gaze makes Kurt shy. When Kurt passes Puck the blanket he can use, their fingers touch for the briefest moment. Kurt smiles shyly and slowly heads up stairs.
As Puck tries to fall asleep in the Hummel/Hudson living room, he can't stop thinking about Kurt. Well Kurt and Kevin Smith. But something tells him that Kurt wouldn't mind that so much.
Day 9- Mallrats, Schmallrats
Wanting Kurt is not a new feeling for Puck. He's well acquainted with the gnawing feeling deep in his gut. The near painful desire to graze his fingertips down Kurt's side. The craving for the slight flush of Kurt's skin. Yeah, he wanted Kurt. He had been there. Done That. Got the t-shirt and the constant boner to prove it. This though.... this just felt different.
Night two of View Askew week started exactly like the night before. Shy glances, butter-slick fingers gliding over his knuckles with each pass of the popcorn bowl. It was all the same. Except this it wasn't.
This time Kurt curled to lay on his side and the tips of his toes brushed Puck's thigh. This time Kurt fell asleep a little less than halfway through the movie. This time Finn bailed a few minutes later. This time Puck spent more of his time watching Kurt sleep than the movie.
Puck watched as Kurt's chest rose in deep, even breaths. He watched as the lazy fingers resting on Kurt's hipbone drifted down his own pelvis. He watched as the t-shirt inched up Kurt's belly and Kurt snored softly into the darkened room.
The familiar feeling rested in Puck's belly. This time though, the want mixed freely with need, with warmth and a feeling Puck always thought love might feel like.
You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?
That was the soundtrack to Puck realizing that he might be a little bit in love with Kurt Hummel.
Tell Em Steve-Dave
Well, that became the soundtrack of Puck thinking that it might be something he might like to share.
Day 10- Chasing Kurt
With everything that had been running though Puck’s mind, he really shouldn’t have been surprised that Chasing Amy turned out to be the film that pushed everything out into the open. This time Kurt was rigid. His back ramrod straight as Puck walked into the room. Puck knew he was in trouble.
This was Kurt completely closed off. It had been so long since he’d seen this side of Kurt. The harsh reality of it hit him square in the face. Dread ran down his back in icy licks. This is what happened the day after Kurt was vulnerable. This is what happens after you realize you love him and can’t fight the urge to curl up beside him on the narrow couch. This is what happens when you see his bed head and smell his morning breath and almost kiss him good morning. This is what happens when you get too close.
Finn sat in between them on the sofa, blissfully unaware of how awkward the situation was. Puck trying everything he could to get Kurt’s attention and Kurt throwing Puck a scornful look anytime there was a joke made by someone who was obviously a closet case. Puck was a little bit pissed. He thought that he and Kurt had an understanding. He thought they were both tiptoeing around the same invisible line. He thought they were both dancing around being more. He thought Kurt got it.
He waited until Kurt marched into the kitchen to get more popcorn. He cornered him and backed him up against the counter. Kurt’s eyes were wide and his back stiffened even further as Puck leaned in. The kiss was soft. Almost nonexistent but it was enough to make him push Puck halfway across the room with a violent shove.
“How dare you? You don’t get to hold my hand and try to kiss me then just leave for three weeks. That’s not how this works.”
Puck’s brows furrowed as he tried to understand what Kurt was talking about. Sure, he had disappeared for a bit after the hospital but the promise of Kurt was the only thing that kept him sane.
“Dude, I bailed for a bit. I had to. That was some pretty heavy shit, man.”
Kurt’s shoulders slumped and Puck felt him give into the moment.
“You left.” Kurt whispered.
Puck pulled Kurt into his arms and whispered into his neck. “I know.”
Kurt pulled back and his eyes darted across his face. His face breaks into a determined smile.
“But you came back.”
“I came back.”
As Kurt pressed his lips against Puck’s, he realized that no matter what happened. He would always come back.
Day 11 Hetero-Lifemate, Question Mark?
Kurt's kiss still hung on his lips as he walked into the Hummel/Hudson residence. It had been almost twenty four hours since their soft kisses were interrupted by Finn stumbling in from a fight with Rachel. Kurt had spent the next three hours being the supportive brother and Puck spent just as much time trying to figure out when Kurt had gotten so beautiful. They said good night with shy-touching hands at the door.
The next night, Finn is unusually quiet. Puck frowns as he watches Finn look at the screen. His face is pulled into the expression he always gets when he's one minute away from connecting something. Puck knows it can't be the movie. They've watched Dogma at least fifteen times. Puck knew that Finn got everything that was going on after the fourth or fifth viewing. It pulls Puck's focus and tension rest heavy in his stomach. Finn is thinking. It usually hurts Puck when Finn starts thinking. That's usually when he starts realizing all the ways Puck has lied to keep his secrets.
Kurt doesn't realize what's happening. He's too engrossed in the movie. The tip of his tongue running against the corner of his mouth makes Puck's blood rush. Puck's caught between worry and arousal when Finn's voice breaks the silence.
“Hey, Kurt?”
Kurt starts slightly. “Yes, Finn?”
“When Jay introduces Silent Bob as his hetero-lifemate, he's lying right?” Finn presses on despite the confused expression that takes over Kurt's face. “I mean they are life mates but they're not straight, right?”
Kurt locks eyes with Puck across the room. “Why do you think that?”
Finn shrugs and the expression clears from his face. “I dunno. They just seem... I mean I think they seem kinda in love, ya know?”
“Yeah, Finn. They kinda do.”
Kurt blushes as his eyes drop to Puck's lips. A soft smile pulls at Puck's lips as the silence is taken by Finn's laugh. Puck's smile takes Kurt's breath and he can't help but smile back.
Puck settles back in his chair. He drowns in his oldest friend's laughter and the softly whispered words that sound almost like a promise.
Then the Golgothan shows up and all Puck can think about is how fucking much this movie rules.
Day 12 Shy and Silent Insecurity Strike Back
Kurt is nowhere to be seen. Even with Finn's hulking body taking up almost half of the couch, it still looks painfully empty. His leg bounces as he trains his ears for Kurt's movement through the house. He hates that he has to sit there pretending that he doesn't need to seek Kurt out. He hates that secrecy makes him sit still as the opening credits of the next View Askew movie play.
Finn falls asleep about twenty minutes into the movie and Puck forces himself to stay where he is for another ten minutes. When Finn stirs lightly before erupting in snores, Puck decides to take a chance and go searching. It only takes a few minutes for Puck to find him.
Puck leaned against the door jam leading to the kitchen and smiled when he saw Kurt sitting on the counter. In the same corner he had backed him into a few night before. His eyes are downcast.
“Well, look at this morose motherfucker right here?”
Kurt smiled as Puck quoted the movie that was playing loudly in the other room. He didn't lift his head up though and it made Puck crave the sharp intensity of blue eyes. He made it across to Kurt and settled into the apex of his thighs. He lifted Kurt's chin to make him look him in the eye.
“Hey.” Puck's whispered
“Hi.” Kurt's voice cracked in a way that made worry sit in Puck's belly.
“I missed you out there.” Puck says as he tilts his head towards the living room.
“Yeah? I just... didn't know if you would want me out there.”
“Why wouldn't I?”
Kurt shrugged but wouldn't continue until Puck's hands went to rest on his thighs.
“We didn't really talk about everything or anything. I wasn't sure where we stood.”
Kurt's eyes stay locked on Puck's collarbone and Puck can practically feel the anxiety flowing off of him. It's only then that he realizes how unfair he was being. He'd expected Kurt to inherently know what he meant with a few stolen kisses and longing looks.
“Okay. So this is where. Right here. Me in front of you, wanting to kiss you. That's were we stand right now.”
Kurt's eyes blaze as his head jerks up.
“That's now. Secret kisses in my father's kitchen isn't exactly where I want to stand. I can't do this if it's not all the way.”
Puck shakes his head. “Baby, I was always all in.”
Kurt's hands find their way around his neck. Shy fingertips brush the back of his ears and he shudders. This time when they kiss, it's different. This time, nothing about the kiss is stolen.
Day 13 Just A Thursday Night
When Puck had woken up that morning, he was half considering what lesson he was going to learn for this View Askew movie, Clerks 2. It had a donkey show, for god's sake. But he should have known better. He should have known that he was bound to learn something. That seemed to that week's MO. Life lessons masquerading in between dick jokes.
Kurt looks beautiful. He looks happy. But the thing Puck notices this time, is Kurt looks like his. Kurt looks like he finally belongs to and with someone. Puck wonders if Kurt can tell that he feels the same. Puck runs a hand over his face almost as if he's trying to wipe the smile off. Finn chatters in the background but all Puck can think about is getting Kurt alone.
He waits until it's popcorn time and follows Kurt into the kitchen. They stand beside each other as the popping noises and the deep sound of their tandem breathing are the only things that break the silence. He's nervous about asking. He knows he has to. He knows that Kurt deserves this. But he's never done this before. He has a vague idea of the steps but he hasn't quite learned how to follow them yet.
“So, on Saturday the Angelica is showing a John Hughes retrospective. Do you maybe wanna go?” Puck cringes at the tone in his own voice.
“You mean, like a date?”
Puck swallows heavily. “Yeah, a date.”
Puck almost misses the nod of Kurt's head but the small movement lifts the weight that had been sitting on his shoulders. He smiles to himself and turns back to watch the popcorn fill the bowl.
The loud sound of glass breaking pulls everyone into the living room. Everyone else looks terrified. Puck can feel the fear rushing in his veins but then he looks at Kurt. He's wearing the same look of sad resignation as Burt is. They are both staring at the broken glass of the living room window and the large brick that has the words dead fag on the side. They look like this is familiar. They look like this isn't the first time they'll have to pick glass shards out of their carpet.
Everyone else looks horrified. For everyone else, this is the first time hate has shown up on their door step. For the Hummel's, this is just a Thursday night.
From the TV, Randal's voice breaks the silence. He's yelling the thing that will make Puck realize that all of this comes with being with Kurt. With being out. It will also be the thing that helps him realize that all of it is worth it. That small line of dialogue will be the thing he need to give him the courage to kiss Kurt in public for the first time. But even he knows he's not ready to learn that lesson yet.
But still, he should have known he'd learn something. Life lessons masquerading in between dick jokes. He really should have known.
Day 14- Ms. Abaline And The Angelica
His palms are sweaty as he paces out side the Angelica. The old movie theater is the only place Puck has ever felt home. The fabric of its red seats hold years of his life. Entire summers that he spent jumping from theater to theater. Getting lost in the world of people that were living the lives he wanted to live. Ms. Abaline would sneak him stuff from the concession when people weren't looking. He anxiously looked out the sidewalk. Scanning the streets looking for Kurt.
Tonight meant a lot of firsts. It was the first time he was taking Kurt out. It was the first time Puck had actually been on a real date. But most importantly, it was the first time he was bringing someone to his secret place.
Puck's breath caught in his throat as he watched Kurt walk towards him. He was wearing jeans and a sweater. It was probably the most dressed-down Puck had ever seen him, and he'd never been more beautiful. Puck watched as Kurt ran a nervous hand through his hair. The action made Kurt look even further disheveled and Puck had a momentary thought about abandoning this being-a-gentleman thing. But then Kurt saw him and smiled.
They walked through the gold doors and Ms. Abaline waved them over to the concession stand. He spent a few minutes talking with her before making his way back to Kurt. When Ms. Abaline gave him a thumbs up as he trailed behind Kurt he knew that she approved of his date.
Kurt gasped beside him. Dread ran down his back. Trying to catalog all the ways he might have fucked up. Kurt's fingers trailed over the rough, red fabric of the seats. When he turned back to look as Puck, he had tears in his eyes.
“I've been here.” Kurt's broken whisper tears at Puck's gut and makes him glad that the theater is empty. He's about to ask Kurt what's wrong when he sits down gingerly in the back row.
“I've been here before. Every Sunday, they used to show old movies. The Sound of Music. Cabaret. Funny Girl. Breakfast at Tiffany's. I used to come here with my mom every week. She'd put chocolate-covered raisins on her popcorn. I haven't been here since... since.... she's been gone.” Soft tears take Kurt's voice and Puck kicks himself for fucking up so hard.
Kurt stands and walks over to Puck. Puck cringes and he expects that Kurt's just going to keep walking. Walking out of the theater, out of the building, out of his life. Instead he wraps Puck in a bone-crushing hug. They stay locked like that until Kurt pulls back slightly to rest his palm against Puck's cheek.
“Thank you for bringing me here.”
Kurt's lips on his are soft and the hand on his cheek is warm but Puck knows that has nothing to do with why he's blushing.
When he hands Kurt a box of chocolate-covered raisins, he feels like he got it right. When Kurt kisses him he tastes like butter and chocolate. He taste like happiness. He tastes like home.
Day 15 Won't You Come See About Me?
The night air was unusually crisp for the first week of August. The short walk from Puck's truck to the front door made a small chill prickle at Kurt's skin. But still he couldn't help the longing look he cast down the street. Everything in him wanted to ask Puck if they could take a walk. If they could indulge in that slow, languid movement that meant they weren't anxious to get anywhere. As he climbed the first stair towards his front door, he shook his head. As if he was trying to clear his thoughts. Puck had already given him the most perfect first date and here he was expecting more. As he was heading up the third stair, Puck's long fingers grabbed his wrist.
“Kurt, wait.”
Kurt turned to look at Puck and waited as the silence stretched. He was about to ask Puck what was wrong.
“You wanna maybe go for walk? There a little park down there. It's really nice.”
Kurt looked at him with a shocked expression. Puck had mistaken that stunned expression as a rebuffal of his question.
“Sorry, that was stupid. I just didn't want tonight to end just yet.”
Puck shrugged slightly and turned to walk down the driveway. He was halfway to the curb before Kurt broke out of his stupor and ran after him. He went to catch Puck's wrist but ended up grabbing his hand. Puck gave him a surprised look before he smiled and laced their fingers together.
The movie from the night is still rattling around Kurt's head.
Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on
John Hughes had written about the princess falling for the delinquent. Walking hand in hand with Puck on a sleepy August night, the only thing Kurt could think about is how hot Puck would look with his fist raised in the air because he's gotten his princess.
**
Continued in Day 16-30