Ava- Part Four
Author: emo_chick_87
Beta Information: lezi and snarkgasm Who I owe epically, humbly and eternally.
Word Count: 16,568 overall
Title: Ava- Part Four
Characters: Puck, Kurt, Burt, Carole, a few OC's
Pairing(s): Puck/Kurt
Genre: Romance/Family/a slash of angst
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Talk of a still-born birth at one point but mostly just some naughty language.
Author's Note: In this world, Burt and Carole never met. A few of lyrics used come from this song. The title and the majority of the lyrics come from this song. I also put in a deep Kevin Smith reference. For the person that can pick it out, I will write a story from any prompt you give me. Written for Round 1 of kurtbigbang.
Summary: The boys take small steps to figuring out what being a family means.
Two hours and twelve large shopping bags later Burt dropped Noah off outside the house. His voice was gruff and lilies were on the seat next to him. He didn't tell Noah where he was going, just that Kurt would know when he heard about the lilies.
Weighed down by bags he couldn't reach the doorknob. He knocked three times with his forehead and then just rests it there until he heard Kurt's soft foot falls. He saw the bags and crinkles up his nose.
“You went shopping without me.” Noah kissed the pout off of his face and went to pile all the bags into the living room.
“Noah, wait a minute. I have a place we can put all of that stuff.”
He motioned for Noah to follow him up the stairs and his anxiety built with every step. Noah didn't think that he'd ever been up past the main floor. The dark, wooden door was half closed over and soft music filtered out into the hallway. Kurt looked at him with an anxious look on his face.
“If this isn't okay, let me know and I can change it.” With that Kurt pushed his way into the dimly lit room.
Noah looked around the room in awe. The soft custard colored walls were warm and accented the furniture perfectly. A small changing table was set up by the window and a small crib lay against the wall directly across from it. A small mobile hung above the crib and even from a distance Noah could see the small pictures hanging from each string. He saw the pictures of everyone he loved spinning in the warm spring air. His breath was stolen and all he could do was run his hand over the deep cherry wood of the crib as he watched his daughter sleep. Kurt's hand crept up beside his and was tentative against him.
“Are you mad?”
Noah was still at a loss for words. All he could do was shake his head. Kurt's exhale was heavy on his neck and he couldn't help smiling as Kurt's slender fingers started to run across the wood.
“My dad made this. He must have spent months working on it in his free time.” Kurt's voice was reverent as he spoke.
“He made the rocking chair, too.”
“Really? Both in nine months. That's pretty impressive.”
“No. He made that when I was three. I spent hours with him in the garage. Mostly just playing with the tools and getting in the way. This was for Katrina.”
“Who’s that?”
“She's my little sister. I never got to see her but my dad said it was better that way. They encourage the parents to say goodbye but it's not really necessary for siblings.”
“Oh.”
Kurt slipped down to sit with his back against the bars. Noah sat beside him.
“This really is beautiful, Kurt. Thank you.”
Kurt's soft voice blended with the softer music and his eyes were half-lidded.
“You're welcome. It was my pleasure.”
They sat in a comfortable silence until Noah smirked.
“I got her outfits. Do you wanna see?”
Kurt slapped his upper arm lightly before digging into the first bag.
“Please, is Lady Gaga fierce?”
**
After thirty minutes they were surrounded by Noah's choices. They were sitting cross-legged across from each other. Separating the day wear from sleepwear. Kurt was pretty impressed with the selections. He was happy to see that Noah's terrible fashion sense wouldn't be inflicted on Ava.
That was until he pulled out a hideous green jumper that he was pretty sure was meant to be worn in 1932 when clothes were just something that stopped you from being naked. It seriously rivaled any monstrosity Rachel Berry inflicted on the world. But this was worse somehow. Rachel had a choice in the matter. Ava was defenseless when it came to crimes against fashion.
“Absolutely not, Noah. No daughter of mine is going to be caught dead wearing this. You can forget it.”
He saw Noah's eyes light up and it took a minute to register what he'd just said. His loud gasp made Ava stir in the crib. His hand shot to his open mouth covering his shocked expression. Tears filled his eyes and panic filled his stomach.
“Oh my god, Noah, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that. It's not my place. I'm sorry. Of course she's not mine.”
Noah stood to pick Ava up from the crib and held her close. Kurt's panicked glance following his every movement. He placed a light kiss on Ava's forehead and then he walked over to Kurt. He wrapped one arm tightly around his waist and pressed a similar kiss to Kurt's forehead as well.
“Babe, you have nothing to worry about. I kinda like the idea that it's not just her and me against the world. I like you thinking she's ours.”
Kurt kept his head pressed firmly against his chest until he realized how quiet the rest of the house was. Concern wrinkled his brow and Noah could feel the tension return to his shoulders.
“Noah, where's my dad?”
“I dunno. He didn't say where he was going.”
Kurt was silent for a minute and then his eyes softened and his shoulders sagged.
“Lilies. Did he have lilies?”
“Yeah, he made me pick some up at the hospital gift shop.”
Kurt sighed and rested his forehead against Noah for a second, before pulling his shoulders back with purpose.
“Okay. We need to order Chinese. Stat. He's definitely going to need it.”
Noah followed him down to the kitchen and watched as Kurt pulled four different take-out menus. Laying them out in a line, Kurt put his index finger to his bottom lip and studied them. He'd only really seen Kurt that serious when he was deciding on an outfit.
“How bad do you think it was?”
“What do you mean?”
“How big was the bouquet? Small, average or really big.”
“Um.. I think if I gave them to you, you would ask me what I did wrong.”
“Shit. So it was really, really big. Was he just more quiet then usual or did his voice break when he talked to you?”
“His voice got real gruff but that was it.”
“Did he spontaneously touch you? Squeeze your shoulder, pat you on the back or anything like that?”
“Yeah. He practically bear-hugged me. I thought he was going to squeeze the air out of my lungs.”
“Was it in the parking lot of the hospital, before you went in?”
“No, actually. He was mostly okay until the paperwork.”
“What about the paperwork?”
“He was fine until he saw Ava's full name.”
Kurt's face twisted up for a split second before grabbing the menu that was the least dogeared and thumbing through it.
“Looks like I have to pull out the big guns. China Dragon it is then.”
Watching Kurt press the buttons like they owed him money, Noah had to wonder just what the hell was going on. And why did Burt need so many apology lilies?
**
The crisp grass crunched under his boot heels. His cheeks turned pink the moment he crossed the threshold. The warmth that flowed through him on one side abandoned him on the other. The harsh weight of the place sat heavy on his shoulders, and he remembered why he only makes this trip once every few months.
The lilies were heavy in his hand and he wished he was stronger. That he didn't feel like he was about to collapse. Whenever Kurt came here there was a poise he carried himself with. He was always a bit envious of that power. The flowers he left the last time were still in pretty good shape. It had only been about three weeks since he'd stopped by. Their anniversary. This visit was going to be a bit longer than his average one. He had so much to tell her.
So he talked. He talked until his voice was hoarse and his words stopped flowing. He told her about the headstrong, damaged young boy their son had fallen for. He told her about the smart, capable man their son was becoming. He talked about pride and sadness and separation anxiety.
He talked about the woman he'd met that day. He talked about guilt mixing with his happiness. He asked for her forgiveness.
He talked about the little girl that sent his family into a tailspin. He talked about Katrina and loss and second chances. He talked about their son falling so fast and so hard. He talked about surety and how watching them together seemed so familiar.
He whispered about the part of him that mourned the grandchildren he thought he would never have. He told her that Ava inexplicably has the eyes Kurt had gotten from her side of the family. He talked about what family means. How he wondered if one stubborn, angry man and two brittle seventeen year old boys can be the kind of family that can raise a little girl. He wonders if it's okay to love someone so much so soon. Wonders how two people could have already given up the chance to love her. He talked until he felt her warmth. Until he knew she beside him and the tears on his face weren't wasted on cold, hard ground and even harder granite. He talked until the sun faded to a pale orange. He kisses the palm of his hand and pressed it into the deep grooves that spell out her name.
“Don't worry about our boy. I'll take care of him and his new little family.”
He looked back right before crossing the threshold. Looked back right before he had to return to a world where she isn't there. He said the same thing he always said when he says goodbye. It's the same thing he would whisper into her hair every single night of their marriage as she fell asleep in his arms. The night air carried his whisper and he thought he saw it play over the petals of the lilies resting with her.
“Goodnight, my beautiful Gracie.”
**
The house was quiet and the lights were muted. Puck could hear the sound of his heavy breath as he explored the Hummel's living room. Kurt was down in the shower and every inch of him wanted to be in there with him. This was his first real experience with denial of sexual gratification. He took comfort in the small, warm body cradled in his arms.
Actually taking the time to survey this living room was something Puck realized he should have done a long time ago. There were so many little things that didn't fit with the Hummel's life as he knew it. The ratty blanket that had a permanent place on the back of the sofa. The edges were faded yellow with age. The blue umbrella that had garish yellow ducks dancing across it and never left its place beside the door. The toothbrush with the pink handle, hard and stained a dark white just under the bristles. Burt's coffee mug crumbling from years of use, but the way Burt steadfastly refused to use anything else. There was only one reason Kurt would stand for these things to stay where they were. They belonged to someone who would never be back for them. White-knuckled hands grasping onto anything that might still hold her smell.
Ava seemed to sense his distress and she squirmed against his chest. Running a comforting finger down her cheek Puck looked across to the small collection of framed pictures. He saw Kurt in all his forms. The wide-eyed unfocused gaze of him when he was smaller than Ava. The look of joy on his face while his hands are thrown above his head in victory. He isn't sure how he knows but this is Kurt's first step. The one that led to the one that left the loud reverberation of a booted heel and the knowledge that that he was expected at the Hummel's front door at 7 pm sharp and not to forget a gift of some kind. A single flower that wasn't a rose was perfectly acceptable. The one that led to his sweaty palms rolling a single lily and his first real first date.
He saw the cake-smeared lips that pressed a sloppy kiss to the side of a beautiful woman's face. He saw the tap shoes and let's dress up as Dorthy day. He saw a smile that he hadn't seen before. He saw a boy that had never experienced pain. Then he saw a collection that had the smile he was more than used to seeing. The harsh, brittle smile that he now knew meant everything was not okay. The one he was always so intent to wipe off Kurt's face. The one that made his blood boil and propelled him towards the cafeteria to buy a slushie. It was the one he always thought was Kurt's I'm better than all of you. smile. Now he knew better. It was his you can't possibly make me any more broken than I already am but please don't try... Please. smile. He was surprised Burt let those pictures be taken or displayed.
His favorite picture had to be the grainy, a-little-too dark picture near the back. It was Burt with a ridiculous amount of flowing hair. His arm was protectively around the same woman that Kurt would later attack with cake kisses. Her hair looked slightly damp and clung softly to the nape of her neck. A small blue bundle was pressed firmly against her chest. This is what a family looked like. His fingers reached out to play across the warm glass and he whispered to Ava.
“See baby, this is your Grandma Hummel. I think you can see where Mommy got all his looks.”
Ava seemed to take comfort in the deep rumble she felt through his t-shirt. The gruff voice beside him scared the bejesus out of him, but Ava didn't seem to notice.
“Kurt did get my chin. You callin' my boy ‘mommy’ now?”
“Did it once and it bugged the shit out of him. He knows better than to give me that kind of ammunition.”
“Right.”
“Burt, I can change her name if you want. She can just be Ava Maria if you want. I just thought it'd be nice to give her a part of Kurt. Something that made her feel like his too.”
“No, Noah. Don't change it. My Gracie would have loved having a namesake as beautiful as she is.”
“Are you sure?”
“I'm sure. Besides Grace is a family name. It's only right to pass it down.”
Burt put his arm around Puck's shoulders and they just stood staring at the first picture of a family until the loud doorbell rings. Puck pulled away and headed to the door. He ignored the sideways look Burt threw at him and headed towards the kitchen with the food. Only stopping briefly to call downstairs to Kurt.
“Baby, the food's here. Get your sexy ass up here.” Puck smirked as Kurt's reply ascended up the stairs with him.
“Noah, what did I tell you about calling me ‘baby’? Never outside the bedroom. You know what that does to me.” Then he paused, flustered when he sees Burt standing by the kitchen archway. “Oh, Dad. I didn't know you were home. Is everything okay?”
“It's all good, Kurt. What's with all this food?”
“Oh. Well, Noah told me about the lilies and umm...” Kurt's voice trailed off and shy eyes fell to the ground. Burt went and gathered Kurt in his arms.
“Nothing to worry about. No nervous breakdown this time. But I won't say no to spicy shrimp. You did get the spicy shrimp, right?”
“Please. You think I would splurge on China Dragon and forget the shrimp. You raised me better than that.”
Kurt padded towards the bags and started to unpack the bags. As Burt watched Puck's fumbling to help one-handed and Kurt softly slapping his hands away, he couldn't help think about the first picture of his little family. Well that and he wishes he had a camera. He thinks Kurt would want one of his own.
**
Their quiet little moment was interrupted by the shrill ring of the doorbell. Burt went to answer it and heard Kurt call to him.
“Maybe it's the delivery guy. They forgot our fortune cookies.”
Burt just rolled his eyes. For a boy so concerned about his non-existent pear shaped hips and the small gathering of flesh on his otherwise taut stomach, Kurt could probably eat both of them out of house and home. He pulled the door open with a chuckle that caught in his throat when he saw the person on the other side of the door. She was out of the pink scrubs and dressed in light acid wash jeans paired with a denim vest. The Kurt that lived in his head screamed about the fashion faux-pas but Burt couldn't really hear that. All he heard was his heartbeat ringing loudly in his ears.
“Carole, what...?”
He saw her blush and she handed him a small plastic bag.
“I found these in your driveway. But I'm here to see Noah. I was also hoping to meet the fabulous specimen that actually got him to settle down. Finn tells me Kurt is quite something.”
“Of course. Come on in. We're just about to sit down to dinner.”
Carole's hands started to flail softly as she started to back away from the door.
“Oh I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude. I'll just come back.”
She turned to leave and without thinking Burt lunged forward and grabbed her wrist. When the rough pad of his forefinger grazed the soft skin of the inside of her wrist, they both froze in a gasp. After a heated stare, Burt gave her the smile he hadn't given since his days as The Hummer.
“That was me inviting you to join us, silly girl.”
“Oh. Well thank you. That would be lovely.”
Burt led her towards the kitchen with a light hand on the small of her back. Kurt's voice sparkled in the soft lights of the kitchen.
“It seems our fortunes weren't lost after all.”
**
Carole doesn't even seem to register Kurt's words. Her eyes are fixed to the bundle in Puck's arms. Her hands clench at her sides and her fingers itched to inch forward. Puck seems to read what Carole was thinking and passed his daughter to the woman who practically raised him. His heart swelled when he saw Ava in Carole's arms and he swiped a tear from the corner of his eye when he thinks no one is looking.
“Oh my god, Noah. I remember when you were this small. You had the same curls. Just be thankful she didn't get your eyes. I don't think you were able to uncross them until you were almost three months old.”
Kurt giggled, bumping his shoulder against Puck's and offered Carole a seat at the table.
“Noah, I want to help. Anyway I can. A babysitter, moral support, a shoulder or a helpful ear. Anything. You've been like a son to me and I need to be able to help with her.”
“Well, I'm probably going to take some time off school. Work full time and try for my GED when she's a few years old. I think I've got it covered.”
“Absolutely not. Noah Puckerman, if you think for one second I'm going to let that happen you have another thing coming. You are graduating and going to college.”
“Carole, I can't. I need to be with Ava during the day. There's no one else.”
“Burt, I'm sorry for my language, but that's bullshit. I see three people here willing to do whatever it takes to make sure you and that baby have the life you deserve. Quit playing the victim here and accept the help we're offering. I'll take her in the mornings. I have the four to midnight shift at the hospital. Four on, four off. As long as you can be here by 3:30 when I drop her off you never have to worry about her during the day.”
Burt finally picks his jaw up off the table and chimes in.
“That shouldn't be a problem. I'm the 7-3 shift at the garage. I'll be here and that way you boys can stay in your extracurriculars. Colleges look at that kinda thing.”
Burt and Carole shared an authoritative nod. Just like that, it's decided. Puck was finally able to see a future that isn't about making ends meet and scrapping by. Living paycheck to paycheck just to give his daughter a better life. He squeezes Kurt's hand under the table and wonders how the hell he got so lucky.
The rest of the dinner was quiet and comforting. Kurt noticed that his dad kept sneaking glances at her and blushing. Puck noticed that Carole was wearing eyeshadow and lip gloss. He thinks the last time he saw her in makeup was when he was nine. Watching her mascaraed eyelashes flutter he knew that it wasn't for his benefit. He wondered if Kurt would mind Carole being around more. The smile playing on his face made Puck think he might be okay with that idea.
**
Ava's cries woke them at six am the next morning. They both pretended that they slept through the night. Kurt pretended that he didn't hear Puck sneaking up the stairs every hour on the hour and spending at least fifteen minutes just staring at Ava as she slept. Puck pretended that he didn't hear Kurt's soft footfalls padding up the stairs half an hour after Puck had just been up there. He pretended that he didn't hear the soft singing through the baby monitor. They pretended that sleep came easy for both of them. Because it's easier than admitting how scared they both are to leave her alone and the crushing weight of having to explain themselves had been hanging over them since the minute Quinn changed both of their lives. They both pretend they don't see the planets sitting on the other's shoulders or the dark circles under their eyes. It's easier to do that. Without a little pretend every once in awhile life might just become unbearable.
Kurt skipped his morning shower to give Ava her second bottle of the day. Carole came right after Puck changed her for the third time. They looked like she looked sixteen years ago. Bone tired, exhausted and in need of a nap but being forced to interact like normal people.
Kissed foreheads, reassuring hushes and a few shed tears passed quickly. The hum of the car engine played a kind of lullaby and Kurt almost felt himself falling into. They idled in the parking lot and Puck thought Kurt might actually have fallen asleep. Despite that, he couldn't keep it in anymore.
“We don't owe them explanations.”
Kurt voice was sleepy when he finally responded.
“Okay. We can just be. We're together and Ava's ours. End of discussion.” Kurt reached over the console and locked Puck into a pinkie swear.
“I love you.”
Kurt's smile was just as sleepy as his voice.
“I love you, too.”
**
Mercedes had taken it upon herself to act like the hardcore diva bitch she was. She schooled the rest of the club about what had happened, what it meant and just exactly how cool everyone needed to get about things. The added threat of Santana cutting a bitch if necessary was just a fun little bonus.
The people you expected to be dickheads were dickheads. The people you expected might be cool were kind of dickheads too. But the feeling of falling asleep with tightly interlocking fingers and watching their daughter develop a personality made up for a lot of it.
And for a little while they could coast on that feeling. The shaky, insomniac haze had begun to lift the moment Ava got over her severe bout of colic. Sleep came to them in longer intervals and life started to come into sharp focus. They probably could have stayed in their little bubble, hiding from reality.
But Puck had made a promise. He told Sarah that he'd be at her first soccer game. Cheering from the sidelines. For once in his life, he wanted to be the one that didn't let down the women in his life.
That's how he ended up where he was. That was how he almost lost it all.
**
Puck fought with the squirming pile of human that seemed intent on making him the latest man on the planet. Ava's yellow sundress was causing particular problems. The fact she just didn't want to wear it didn't help matters much. Her little face was red and her screeching cries were causing a migraine to settle behind his eyes.
“Babygirl, calm down. We need to get ready. Auntie Sarah is going to be excited to see you. Don't you want to meet her?”
The crying intensified until he had to walk away from the changing table and clamp his hands over his ears in an effort to calm down. That was how Kurt found him. Crouched in the corner, hiding from a three month old baby girl.
Puck hadn't even heard him come on the room until the cries softened and were replaced with hiccuping breaths and light singing.
I've been alone when I'm surrounded by friends
How could the silence be so loud?
But I still go home knowing that I've got you
There's only us when the lights go down
From his spot in the corner, Puck could see that the yellow sundress was finally on her and Kurt had even managed to put the sunflower hair clip in. He walked behind Kurt and wrapped a tight arm around his waist, resting his chin on the softest part of his shoulder.
“How'd you get so awesome?”
Kurt leaned into the embrace and his soft belly swelled under Puck's hand.
“We were born this way, baby.”
A quiet giggle broke the silence and they both started in shock. Her first giggle. It was quickly filed away with the first time she could hold her head up on her own, the first time she rolled onto her stomach and her first smile. All of them carefully cataloged for easy recounting when she was old enough to care or be embarrassed about that kind of thing. Kurt had a feeling this was going to one of her favorites. Laughing after she had her father cowering in fear over a crying baby.
“Looks like someone's ready for their daddy/daughter day.”
Kurt carefully slipped Ava into the Papoose thing Carole bought them and slid the straps over Puck's arms. The sun was bright and it made Ava's soft skin turn pink almost immediately. Kurt pulled a floppy, cotton hat out of the diaper bag. Blue elephants didn't really go with a yellow dress but he figured he could let one fashion disaster slide in the name of safety.
The playground was full of laughing children, and Puck noticed the wistful smile on Kurt's face. He also noticed that the usually perfectly coiffed head of hair was askew. The thought made his brow furrow, but the shout from across the parking lot pulled his attention. Mercedes was there for their shopping trip. With a kiss and a flounce, Puck and Ava were alone to brave the soccer moms.
Sarah was put on lead striker and it was position she was well suited for. Ava's eyes were darting from one side to the other as she tried to take in all the new stimuli. He was simultaneously the proud big brother and the annoyingly-in-love father. In that moment he didn't think his life could get any better. Then he heard it. Heard them. The harsh whispers of people gossiping.
“That's the Puckerman boy. Seventeen and already a father. Bad enough in the best of times but can you imagine with a father like he had. Plus raised by queers on top of it.”
“I know. I thought for sure we were gonna get rid of that little Hummel fag after graduation. Now it looks like he's gonna be a Lima Loser just like the rest of that family.”
Puck clenched his fists at his side and took deep shuddering breaths. He was about to pull a completely irresponsible move and rip those bitches heads off. But then he saw Sarah running across the field towards him. By the time he got home, his blood had been cooled by two of his favorite girls in the world and his face was sticky from Sarah's fingers. What the hell was with all the orange slices at soccer games?
**
Puck had just put Ava down for her afternoon nap and was wandering aimlessly around the house. It was the first time the house was empty in almost three months. Burt and Carole were 'having a summit about future plans' at the Hudson house. Kurt was spending the day easing Mercedes fears about them becoming an old married couple who didn't have friends that weren't each other. Grabbing the mail off the side table, Puck headed downstairs to rock some X-box. It had been awhile since he could lose himself in boyland.
Four games of Madden, six failed GTA missions and an ill-fated attempt to play one of Kurt's RPG games left Puck feeling bored. He decided to waste some time with a long shower/jerk session.
For that twenty minutes he didn't hear those words. The ones he'd been secretly telling himself for months. That he was holding Kurt back from how his life could be. For twenty minutes all he knew was hot water and the image of Kurt joining him in the shower. Of course, like all good things in his life, it wouldn't last.
Stepping out of the shower, Puck was hit by what was missing on Kurt's vanity. Six small bottles lined the back and that was it. It was a stark contrast to just four months before, when Kurt would host spa days with what was on that vanity. The sight of that made Puck look at the room with new eyes.
That's when he saw what he'd turned Kurt into. He remembered that Kurt had left the house with his hair in disarray. He saw the closet of clothing that had stopped multiplying. He saw the baby pictures that had replaced his shrine to Lady Gaga. He saw the Calvin Klein jeans thrown haphazardly across the back of a chair. He saw the Marc Jacobs shirt that held the distinct odor of baby puke and a stain to match. He saw the toy littered white carpet. He saw the grape juice stain that wouldn't come out. But most importantly, he saw the thick envelope that had Kurt's name on it. The one from Ohio State.
He couldn't be the one to ruin Kurt. He couldn't do to Kurt what his father had done to his mother. He couldn't be what Kurt grew to resent. Looking around, he tried desperately to remember what Burt had bought for them and what had been from Carole. The duffel bag fisted in his hand made him feel like a thief.
Thirty minutes later, Kurt walked into the basement with his hands full of stuff from the Disney Store. All he saw was the shambles that was his bedroom. All he felt was an empty house and a broken heart.
**
Over the past three months, Burt had become accustomed to a loud house. A baby with colic, two teenagers and a gaggle of cooing girls spending hours playing house with little Ava. The sound of the front door opening and bumping against the wall echoed loudly in the quiet house. He couldn't remember the last time a silence like this one hung over the house.
He took a few cautious steps inside and it was then that he saw the blanket missing from the back of the couch. A shot of dread ran through him and he rocketed up the stairs to Ava's room. By the hunch of Kurt's shoulders he knew something was very wrong.
Kurt didn't seem to register the fact he had entered the room. He was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the room, slightly rocking back and forth. Burt got down on one knee beside him and placed his hand between Kurt's shoulder blades. That's when he saw the scrap of fabric. It was the first jumper Ava was brought home in. She had long outgrown it but Kurt seemed to inherit his mother's desire to collect every memory he could. It broke his heart to see the longing way Kurt's fingers ran over the cloth.
“He's gone, Dad. He took her and he left me.” The soft, brittle voice makes him want to find Puckerman and give him something to cry about.
“Did he say why?”
“Nothing. I got home and they were gone.”
“Maybe they just went to visit someone.”
“No. I knew something was wrong when I kissed Noah goodbye this afternoon. He's not coming back.”
Burt tries to reign in his fury but he can't seem to control his breathing. After a silence that stretched for an eternity, Kurt spoke again.
“Can you just give me some time alone?”
“Of course, kid. Let me know what I can do.”
Burt left Kurt sitting on the floor of his wife's old sewing room. He was in the same position Burt spent hours in. In that very room, watching the sun set out the small window, mourning the loss of someone he loved. The sobs he heard down the hallway broke his heart, but he knew from experience that there is nothing he could say that will make this any better.
Just after ten, Burt watched as Kurt slinks downstairs. He saw his hanging head and his tear-stained face. The father in him screams that he has to fix this. The man in him knows it's not his place.
**
When Kurt stomped up the stairs at seven the next morning, Burt was half way through preparing a bottle that he hadn't realized he didn't need. Kurt was dressed in a way Burt hasn't seen since before Puck became Noah and they became a family. Without even acknowledging Burt's presence he began to pace the kitchen floor.
“I need to find them. Where could they go? I know they're not at Noah's house. He would never bring Ava there. Mercedes would have called me. I know that for sure. Maybe he's sleeping in the truck. Oh my god, Dad. Do you think they're sleeping in the truck? I swear if he thinks he's going to get away with that he has another thing coming. I'll kick his ass. I don't care how badass he thinks he is.”
All of a sudden, Kurt turned on his heel and fixed Burt with a hard gaze. It only then that he noticed the guilty look on his face and his pursed lips.
“Dad, do you know where they are?”
Burt could only nod his head.
“Where are they? Where's my family?”
“Carole called after you went to sleep last night. They're safe.”
Burt hadn't even gotten past Carole before Kurt was racing out the door.
**
There was a small part of Kurt that felt bad about knocking so early but it felt good to knock on the door like he's ready to take it off the hinges. Rage pooled in his stomach and he let it overtake him because it hurt too much to feel anything else. He wasn't sure who the hell Noah thought he was. That Kurt would let him walk away with his family and he wouldn't even have to explain himself.
Puck answered the door in his pajamas and with sleep in his eyes. He saw the Kurt he made go away and he knew that he did the right thing by leaving. The dark sunglasses and tight lipped smile remind him of the life Kurt had before he came and ruined it.
“What are you doing here, Kurt?”
“The real question is, what are you doing here, Noah?”
“I'm doing what's best for you. I'm letting you go for your own good. I refuse to be the person you resent. I won't hold you back anymore.”
“You honestly think you're holding me back. Don't you get it, Noah? You gave me my life. You gave me everything I've ever dreamed of.”
“Bullshit. You can't stand there and pretend you wanted to be saddled with a kid that isn't yours when you're seventeen.”
“Fuck you, Noah.” Kurt hissed. “You don't get to say she's not mine. Who spent the first three weeks of her life changing her every time because you were scared of her umbilical cord? Who spent just as many nights pacing the floor with her because she was in pain? I fed her, gave her baths, sang to her when she couldn't sleep.” Kurt's voice dropped off to a whisper and his jaw clenched painfully tight. “How dare you just take her like that? I'm in love with you, idiot. I picked you and her. I picked a life with you and you just leave me like that.” His voice trailed off into an almost defeated whimper.
“Kurt, you don't understand. I'm hurting you. I'm forcing this life on you. You deserve better than me. You deserve New York and Broadway.”
“Noah, if I asked you what I'd always dreamed of being...what would you say?”
“Kurt, don't be an asshole. We all know you want to be a star.”
“Everyone just assumed that. I did want to be a star but that was always Plan B. Before I even knew I could sing I had my dream life picked out. At thirteen, I decided what I wanted my life to be. I was going to be a good father, a good husband. I was going to be in love with a fantastic man and I was going to be a teacher. See, fuckhead, the only thing missing on that list is a teaching degree. Being the first openly gay teacher at William McKinley. Can you think of a bigger star than that? You gave me everything else already. When you see the best life you can for yourself, am I a part of it? Because if I'm not I'll leave you alone. But you have to tell me to my face, I'm not who you want.”
“I can't, Kurt. You're all I've ever seen. I thought I was doing what was right for you.”
“You really think this is what's best for me?”
Kurt ripped off his sunglasses and winced at the harsh light. Puck gasped when he sees Kurt's face. His eyes were swollen and he looked like he's been punched in the face. Puck knows from experience that only happens when you spend the entire night sobbing into your pillow. He can't even count the number of times he had to manufacture epic fights to explain away the evidence of his own.
“Oh my god, I fucked up. I'm so sorry. Fuck, what can I do to make this up to you?”
“You can get our daughter and come home.”
Puck just nodded and Kurt waited in the Navigator for the both of them. He followed behind Puck's pickup and watched from the driver's seat as the pair walk into the front door.
Puck was downstairs with Ava when Kurt finally came back into the house. The silence that hung between them choked Puck and he croaked out another I'm Sorry. Kurt just pushed him hard into the wall by the bathroom.
He kissed Puck like he never thought he'd get the chance again and left Puck's bottom lip slightly bloody. Kurt's breath was harsh and his chest hit Puck's with every exhalation.
“Will you ever do that again?”
“No. I promise. Never ever.”
“Good. You're forgiven. Now go get the rest of Ava's things. She needs to eat soon.”
Puck smiled as he headed up the stairs and Kurt could feel the moment his life shifted back into the right place. He picked up Ava and hugged her hard to his chest.
When Puck made it back down, Kurt was asleep on the rumpled sheets. Ava's head was resting against his clavicle. Her small body rising with each of Kurt's breaths. Her tiny mouth was open and her lips were brushing Kurt's soft skin as she slept. Puck looked at them together and wondered just how much stupid Kurt was willing to forgive him for. Because almost losing this was one of the most epic fuck-ups of his entire life.
He wanted to tell Kurt just how sorry he is. How horrible that night alone was. How glad he was Kurt didn't take no for an answer. Instead he just crawled in next to them and draped a protective arm around his family.
He spent the next three hours watching them sleep and thinking of all the ways he's going to make it up to Kurt. The list was pretty long. So long that it might take a lifetime to fulfill them all. But he thought that might be okay. Because he had a one to spare.
**
2024
Kurt was pulled from his memories as the small, five year old squirmed on his lap.
“Malcolm, calm down. Ava's almost done singing. Then we're going to get ice cream.”
The boy in his arms automatically stilled, and Kurt threw a glance at Puck. The bastard was smirking and pretending to busy himself fixing the hem of Jayne's dress.
Malcolm and Jayne. A true testament to Kurt's love of Firefly that started in college and quickly managed to infect the entire Hummel-Puckerman household. Jayne was originally going to be Kaylee before Finn and Mercedes scooped him by having a daughter first. Mercedes was next to him and gave him an impressed look as Ava hit the high note of her song. Beside her, Finn was holding the video camera and throwing him a thumbs up.
Of course his girl gets a standing ovation, and they have to spend twenty minutes standing by the stage door before Lima's brightest new star came barreling down the stairs. Noah has both of the little ones tucked under both his arms and Ava jumped into Kurt's arms, locking her ankles behind his back.
“What did ya think, Mommy? I tore that place up, huh?”
“First of all, don't call me that in front of the others. We just broke baby Jayne of that habit. I know you taught her that little trick. Second of all, you were fabulous. But that's a given. You're a Puckerman. We're born to be stars.”
Ava pressed a quick kiss to his cheek before jumping down and running across the parking lot towards the car.
Kurt strolled leisurely behind them. Watching Noah in his blue paramedics uniform, two squirming kids at his side and one girl with a beaming smile bouncing on the balls of her feet. Looking back, he's proud of who he's become.
They might not be the kind of stars Mr. Schue always talked about them becoming. Their names weren't really known outside of Lima and when they're gone he doesn't think there will be more than a brief mention in the Obituary section of the newspaper. He shakes his head softly at the narrow-minded versions of how people define stars.
The look Malcolm gave Noah after he taught him how to throw a baseball for the first time. The look Jayne gave Kurt when he was singing her to sleep. The smile Ava would give them both when she caught them kissing in the kitchen before they left for work. That's what made them stars.
Sure they might not be the kind of stars that people always dreamed they would become. But that was more than okay.
Looking at his family, Kurt knew for sure.
This was better.
Beta Information: lezi and snarkgasm Who I owe epically, humbly and eternally.
Word Count: 16,568 overall
Title: Ava- Part Four
Characters: Puck, Kurt, Burt, Carole, a few OC's
Pairing(s): Puck/Kurt
Genre: Romance/Family/a slash of angst
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Talk of a still-born birth at one point but mostly just some naughty language.
Author's Note: In this world, Burt and Carole never met. A few of lyrics used come from this song. The title and the majority of the lyrics come from this song. I also put in a deep Kevin Smith reference. For the person that can pick it out, I will write a story from any prompt you give me. Written for Round 1 of kurtbigbang.
Summary: The boys take small steps to figuring out what being a family means.
Two hours and twelve large shopping bags later Burt dropped Noah off outside the house. His voice was gruff and lilies were on the seat next to him. He didn't tell Noah where he was going, just that Kurt would know when he heard about the lilies.
Weighed down by bags he couldn't reach the doorknob. He knocked three times with his forehead and then just rests it there until he heard Kurt's soft foot falls. He saw the bags and crinkles up his nose.
“You went shopping without me.” Noah kissed the pout off of his face and went to pile all the bags into the living room.
“Noah, wait a minute. I have a place we can put all of that stuff.”
He motioned for Noah to follow him up the stairs and his anxiety built with every step. Noah didn't think that he'd ever been up past the main floor. The dark, wooden door was half closed over and soft music filtered out into the hallway. Kurt looked at him with an anxious look on his face.
“If this isn't okay, let me know and I can change it.” With that Kurt pushed his way into the dimly lit room.
Noah looked around the room in awe. The soft custard colored walls were warm and accented the furniture perfectly. A small changing table was set up by the window and a small crib lay against the wall directly across from it. A small mobile hung above the crib and even from a distance Noah could see the small pictures hanging from each string. He saw the pictures of everyone he loved spinning in the warm spring air. His breath was stolen and all he could do was run his hand over the deep cherry wood of the crib as he watched his daughter sleep. Kurt's hand crept up beside his and was tentative against him.
“Are you mad?”
Noah was still at a loss for words. All he could do was shake his head. Kurt's exhale was heavy on his neck and he couldn't help smiling as Kurt's slender fingers started to run across the wood.
“My dad made this. He must have spent months working on it in his free time.” Kurt's voice was reverent as he spoke.
“He made the rocking chair, too.”
“Really? Both in nine months. That's pretty impressive.”
“No. He made that when I was three. I spent hours with him in the garage. Mostly just playing with the tools and getting in the way. This was for Katrina.”
“Who’s that?”
“She's my little sister. I never got to see her but my dad said it was better that way. They encourage the parents to say goodbye but it's not really necessary for siblings.”
“Oh.”
Kurt slipped down to sit with his back against the bars. Noah sat beside him.
“This really is beautiful, Kurt. Thank you.”
Kurt's soft voice blended with the softer music and his eyes were half-lidded.
“You're welcome. It was my pleasure.”
They sat in a comfortable silence until Noah smirked.
“I got her outfits. Do you wanna see?”
Kurt slapped his upper arm lightly before digging into the first bag.
“Please, is Lady Gaga fierce?”
**
After thirty minutes they were surrounded by Noah's choices. They were sitting cross-legged across from each other. Separating the day wear from sleepwear. Kurt was pretty impressed with the selections. He was happy to see that Noah's terrible fashion sense wouldn't be inflicted on Ava.
That was until he pulled out a hideous green jumper that he was pretty sure was meant to be worn in 1932 when clothes were just something that stopped you from being naked. It seriously rivaled any monstrosity Rachel Berry inflicted on the world. But this was worse somehow. Rachel had a choice in the matter. Ava was defenseless when it came to crimes against fashion.
“Absolutely not, Noah. No daughter of mine is going to be caught dead wearing this. You can forget it.”
He saw Noah's eyes light up and it took a minute to register what he'd just said. His loud gasp made Ava stir in the crib. His hand shot to his open mouth covering his shocked expression. Tears filled his eyes and panic filled his stomach.
“Oh my god, Noah, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that. It's not my place. I'm sorry. Of course she's not mine.”
Noah stood to pick Ava up from the crib and held her close. Kurt's panicked glance following his every movement. He placed a light kiss on Ava's forehead and then he walked over to Kurt. He wrapped one arm tightly around his waist and pressed a similar kiss to Kurt's forehead as well.
“Babe, you have nothing to worry about. I kinda like the idea that it's not just her and me against the world. I like you thinking she's ours.”
Kurt kept his head pressed firmly against his chest until he realized how quiet the rest of the house was. Concern wrinkled his brow and Noah could feel the tension return to his shoulders.
“Noah, where's my dad?”
“I dunno. He didn't say where he was going.”
Kurt was silent for a minute and then his eyes softened and his shoulders sagged.
“Lilies. Did he have lilies?”
“Yeah, he made me pick some up at the hospital gift shop.”
Kurt sighed and rested his forehead against Noah for a second, before pulling his shoulders back with purpose.
“Okay. We need to order Chinese. Stat. He's definitely going to need it.”
Noah followed him down to the kitchen and watched as Kurt pulled four different take-out menus. Laying them out in a line, Kurt put his index finger to his bottom lip and studied them. He'd only really seen Kurt that serious when he was deciding on an outfit.
“How bad do you think it was?”
“What do you mean?”
“How big was the bouquet? Small, average or really big.”
“Um.. I think if I gave them to you, you would ask me what I did wrong.”
“Shit. So it was really, really big. Was he just more quiet then usual or did his voice break when he talked to you?”
“His voice got real gruff but that was it.”
“Did he spontaneously touch you? Squeeze your shoulder, pat you on the back or anything like that?”
“Yeah. He practically bear-hugged me. I thought he was going to squeeze the air out of my lungs.”
“Was it in the parking lot of the hospital, before you went in?”
“No, actually. He was mostly okay until the paperwork.”
“What about the paperwork?”
“He was fine until he saw Ava's full name.”
Kurt's face twisted up for a split second before grabbing the menu that was the least dogeared and thumbing through it.
“Looks like I have to pull out the big guns. China Dragon it is then.”
Watching Kurt press the buttons like they owed him money, Noah had to wonder just what the hell was going on. And why did Burt need so many apology lilies?
**
The crisp grass crunched under his boot heels. His cheeks turned pink the moment he crossed the threshold. The warmth that flowed through him on one side abandoned him on the other. The harsh weight of the place sat heavy on his shoulders, and he remembered why he only makes this trip once every few months.
The lilies were heavy in his hand and he wished he was stronger. That he didn't feel like he was about to collapse. Whenever Kurt came here there was a poise he carried himself with. He was always a bit envious of that power. The flowers he left the last time were still in pretty good shape. It had only been about three weeks since he'd stopped by. Their anniversary. This visit was going to be a bit longer than his average one. He had so much to tell her.
So he talked. He talked until his voice was hoarse and his words stopped flowing. He told her about the headstrong, damaged young boy their son had fallen for. He told her about the smart, capable man their son was becoming. He talked about pride and sadness and separation anxiety.
He talked about the woman he'd met that day. He talked about guilt mixing with his happiness. He asked for her forgiveness.
He talked about the little girl that sent his family into a tailspin. He talked about Katrina and loss and second chances. He talked about their son falling so fast and so hard. He talked about surety and how watching them together seemed so familiar.
He whispered about the part of him that mourned the grandchildren he thought he would never have. He told her that Ava inexplicably has the eyes Kurt had gotten from her side of the family. He talked about what family means. How he wondered if one stubborn, angry man and two brittle seventeen year old boys can be the kind of family that can raise a little girl. He wonders if it's okay to love someone so much so soon. Wonders how two people could have already given up the chance to love her. He talked until he felt her warmth. Until he knew she beside him and the tears on his face weren't wasted on cold, hard ground and even harder granite. He talked until the sun faded to a pale orange. He kisses the palm of his hand and pressed it into the deep grooves that spell out her name.
“Don't worry about our boy. I'll take care of him and his new little family.”
He looked back right before crossing the threshold. Looked back right before he had to return to a world where she isn't there. He said the same thing he always said when he says goodbye. It's the same thing he would whisper into her hair every single night of their marriage as she fell asleep in his arms. The night air carried his whisper and he thought he saw it play over the petals of the lilies resting with her.
“Goodnight, my beautiful Gracie.”
**
The house was quiet and the lights were muted. Puck could hear the sound of his heavy breath as he explored the Hummel's living room. Kurt was down in the shower and every inch of him wanted to be in there with him. This was his first real experience with denial of sexual gratification. He took comfort in the small, warm body cradled in his arms.
Actually taking the time to survey this living room was something Puck realized he should have done a long time ago. There were so many little things that didn't fit with the Hummel's life as he knew it. The ratty blanket that had a permanent place on the back of the sofa. The edges were faded yellow with age. The blue umbrella that had garish yellow ducks dancing across it and never left its place beside the door. The toothbrush with the pink handle, hard and stained a dark white just under the bristles. Burt's coffee mug crumbling from years of use, but the way Burt steadfastly refused to use anything else. There was only one reason Kurt would stand for these things to stay where they were. They belonged to someone who would never be back for them. White-knuckled hands grasping onto anything that might still hold her smell.
Ava seemed to sense his distress and she squirmed against his chest. Running a comforting finger down her cheek Puck looked across to the small collection of framed pictures. He saw Kurt in all his forms. The wide-eyed unfocused gaze of him when he was smaller than Ava. The look of joy on his face while his hands are thrown above his head in victory. He isn't sure how he knows but this is Kurt's first step. The one that led to the one that left the loud reverberation of a booted heel and the knowledge that that he was expected at the Hummel's front door at 7 pm sharp and not to forget a gift of some kind. A single flower that wasn't a rose was perfectly acceptable. The one that led to his sweaty palms rolling a single lily and his first real first date.
He saw the cake-smeared lips that pressed a sloppy kiss to the side of a beautiful woman's face. He saw the tap shoes and let's dress up as Dorthy day. He saw a smile that he hadn't seen before. He saw a boy that had never experienced pain. Then he saw a collection that had the smile he was more than used to seeing. The harsh, brittle smile that he now knew meant everything was not okay. The one he was always so intent to wipe off Kurt's face. The one that made his blood boil and propelled him towards the cafeteria to buy a slushie. It was the one he always thought was Kurt's I'm better than all of you. smile. Now he knew better. It was his you can't possibly make me any more broken than I already am but please don't try... Please. smile. He was surprised Burt let those pictures be taken or displayed.
His favorite picture had to be the grainy, a-little-too dark picture near the back. It was Burt with a ridiculous amount of flowing hair. His arm was protectively around the same woman that Kurt would later attack with cake kisses. Her hair looked slightly damp and clung softly to the nape of her neck. A small blue bundle was pressed firmly against her chest. This is what a family looked like. His fingers reached out to play across the warm glass and he whispered to Ava.
“See baby, this is your Grandma Hummel. I think you can see where Mommy got all his looks.”
Ava seemed to take comfort in the deep rumble she felt through his t-shirt. The gruff voice beside him scared the bejesus out of him, but Ava didn't seem to notice.
“Kurt did get my chin. You callin' my boy ‘mommy’ now?”
“Did it once and it bugged the shit out of him. He knows better than to give me that kind of ammunition.”
“Right.”
“Burt, I can change her name if you want. She can just be Ava Maria if you want. I just thought it'd be nice to give her a part of Kurt. Something that made her feel like his too.”
“No, Noah. Don't change it. My Gracie would have loved having a namesake as beautiful as she is.”
“Are you sure?”
“I'm sure. Besides Grace is a family name. It's only right to pass it down.”
Burt put his arm around Puck's shoulders and they just stood staring at the first picture of a family until the loud doorbell rings. Puck pulled away and headed to the door. He ignored the sideways look Burt threw at him and headed towards the kitchen with the food. Only stopping briefly to call downstairs to Kurt.
“Baby, the food's here. Get your sexy ass up here.” Puck smirked as Kurt's reply ascended up the stairs with him.
“Noah, what did I tell you about calling me ‘baby’? Never outside the bedroom. You know what that does to me.” Then he paused, flustered when he sees Burt standing by the kitchen archway. “Oh, Dad. I didn't know you were home. Is everything okay?”
“It's all good, Kurt. What's with all this food?”
“Oh. Well, Noah told me about the lilies and umm...” Kurt's voice trailed off and shy eyes fell to the ground. Burt went and gathered Kurt in his arms.
“Nothing to worry about. No nervous breakdown this time. But I won't say no to spicy shrimp. You did get the spicy shrimp, right?”
“Please. You think I would splurge on China Dragon and forget the shrimp. You raised me better than that.”
Kurt padded towards the bags and started to unpack the bags. As Burt watched Puck's fumbling to help one-handed and Kurt softly slapping his hands away, he couldn't help think about the first picture of his little family. Well that and he wishes he had a camera. He thinks Kurt would want one of his own.
**
Their quiet little moment was interrupted by the shrill ring of the doorbell. Burt went to answer it and heard Kurt call to him.
“Maybe it's the delivery guy. They forgot our fortune cookies.”
Burt just rolled his eyes. For a boy so concerned about his non-existent pear shaped hips and the small gathering of flesh on his otherwise taut stomach, Kurt could probably eat both of them out of house and home. He pulled the door open with a chuckle that caught in his throat when he saw the person on the other side of the door. She was out of the pink scrubs and dressed in light acid wash jeans paired with a denim vest. The Kurt that lived in his head screamed about the fashion faux-pas but Burt couldn't really hear that. All he heard was his heartbeat ringing loudly in his ears.
“Carole, what...?”
He saw her blush and she handed him a small plastic bag.
“I found these in your driveway. But I'm here to see Noah. I was also hoping to meet the fabulous specimen that actually got him to settle down. Finn tells me Kurt is quite something.”
“Of course. Come on in. We're just about to sit down to dinner.”
Carole's hands started to flail softly as she started to back away from the door.
“Oh I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude. I'll just come back.”
She turned to leave and without thinking Burt lunged forward and grabbed her wrist. When the rough pad of his forefinger grazed the soft skin of the inside of her wrist, they both froze in a gasp. After a heated stare, Burt gave her the smile he hadn't given since his days as The Hummer.
“That was me inviting you to join us, silly girl.”
“Oh. Well thank you. That would be lovely.”
Burt led her towards the kitchen with a light hand on the small of her back. Kurt's voice sparkled in the soft lights of the kitchen.
“It seems our fortunes weren't lost after all.”
**
Carole doesn't even seem to register Kurt's words. Her eyes are fixed to the bundle in Puck's arms. Her hands clench at her sides and her fingers itched to inch forward. Puck seems to read what Carole was thinking and passed his daughter to the woman who practically raised him. His heart swelled when he saw Ava in Carole's arms and he swiped a tear from the corner of his eye when he thinks no one is looking.
“Oh my god, Noah. I remember when you were this small. You had the same curls. Just be thankful she didn't get your eyes. I don't think you were able to uncross them until you were almost three months old.”
Kurt giggled, bumping his shoulder against Puck's and offered Carole a seat at the table.
“Noah, I want to help. Anyway I can. A babysitter, moral support, a shoulder or a helpful ear. Anything. You've been like a son to me and I need to be able to help with her.”
“Well, I'm probably going to take some time off school. Work full time and try for my GED when she's a few years old. I think I've got it covered.”
“Absolutely not. Noah Puckerman, if you think for one second I'm going to let that happen you have another thing coming. You are graduating and going to college.”
“Carole, I can't. I need to be with Ava during the day. There's no one else.”
“Burt, I'm sorry for my language, but that's bullshit. I see three people here willing to do whatever it takes to make sure you and that baby have the life you deserve. Quit playing the victim here and accept the help we're offering. I'll take her in the mornings. I have the four to midnight shift at the hospital. Four on, four off. As long as you can be here by 3:30 when I drop her off you never have to worry about her during the day.”
Burt finally picks his jaw up off the table and chimes in.
“That shouldn't be a problem. I'm the 7-3 shift at the garage. I'll be here and that way you boys can stay in your extracurriculars. Colleges look at that kinda thing.”
Burt and Carole shared an authoritative nod. Just like that, it's decided. Puck was finally able to see a future that isn't about making ends meet and scrapping by. Living paycheck to paycheck just to give his daughter a better life. He squeezes Kurt's hand under the table and wonders how the hell he got so lucky.
The rest of the dinner was quiet and comforting. Kurt noticed that his dad kept sneaking glances at her and blushing. Puck noticed that Carole was wearing eyeshadow and lip gloss. He thinks the last time he saw her in makeup was when he was nine. Watching her mascaraed eyelashes flutter he knew that it wasn't for his benefit. He wondered if Kurt would mind Carole being around more. The smile playing on his face made Puck think he might be okay with that idea.
**
Ava's cries woke them at six am the next morning. They both pretended that they slept through the night. Kurt pretended that he didn't hear Puck sneaking up the stairs every hour on the hour and spending at least fifteen minutes just staring at Ava as she slept. Puck pretended that he didn't hear Kurt's soft footfalls padding up the stairs half an hour after Puck had just been up there. He pretended that he didn't hear the soft singing through the baby monitor. They pretended that sleep came easy for both of them. Because it's easier than admitting how scared they both are to leave her alone and the crushing weight of having to explain themselves had been hanging over them since the minute Quinn changed both of their lives. They both pretend they don't see the planets sitting on the other's shoulders or the dark circles under their eyes. It's easier to do that. Without a little pretend every once in awhile life might just become unbearable.
Kurt skipped his morning shower to give Ava her second bottle of the day. Carole came right after Puck changed her for the third time. They looked like she looked sixteen years ago. Bone tired, exhausted and in need of a nap but being forced to interact like normal people.
Kissed foreheads, reassuring hushes and a few shed tears passed quickly. The hum of the car engine played a kind of lullaby and Kurt almost felt himself falling into. They idled in the parking lot and Puck thought Kurt might actually have fallen asleep. Despite that, he couldn't keep it in anymore.
“We don't owe them explanations.”
Kurt voice was sleepy when he finally responded.
“Okay. We can just be. We're together and Ava's ours. End of discussion.” Kurt reached over the console and locked Puck into a pinkie swear.
“I love you.”
Kurt's smile was just as sleepy as his voice.
“I love you, too.”
**
Mercedes had taken it upon herself to act like the hardcore diva bitch she was. She schooled the rest of the club about what had happened, what it meant and just exactly how cool everyone needed to get about things. The added threat of Santana cutting a bitch if necessary was just a fun little bonus.
The people you expected to be dickheads were dickheads. The people you expected might be cool were kind of dickheads too. But the feeling of falling asleep with tightly interlocking fingers and watching their daughter develop a personality made up for a lot of it.
And for a little while they could coast on that feeling. The shaky, insomniac haze had begun to lift the moment Ava got over her severe bout of colic. Sleep came to them in longer intervals and life started to come into sharp focus. They probably could have stayed in their little bubble, hiding from reality.
But Puck had made a promise. He told Sarah that he'd be at her first soccer game. Cheering from the sidelines. For once in his life, he wanted to be the one that didn't let down the women in his life.
That's how he ended up where he was. That was how he almost lost it all.
**
Puck fought with the squirming pile of human that seemed intent on making him the latest man on the planet. Ava's yellow sundress was causing particular problems. The fact she just didn't want to wear it didn't help matters much. Her little face was red and her screeching cries were causing a migraine to settle behind his eyes.
“Babygirl, calm down. We need to get ready. Auntie Sarah is going to be excited to see you. Don't you want to meet her?”
The crying intensified until he had to walk away from the changing table and clamp his hands over his ears in an effort to calm down. That was how Kurt found him. Crouched in the corner, hiding from a three month old baby girl.
Puck hadn't even heard him come on the room until the cries softened and were replaced with hiccuping breaths and light singing.
I've been alone when I'm surrounded by friends
How could the silence be so loud?
But I still go home knowing that I've got you
There's only us when the lights go down
From his spot in the corner, Puck could see that the yellow sundress was finally on her and Kurt had even managed to put the sunflower hair clip in. He walked behind Kurt and wrapped a tight arm around his waist, resting his chin on the softest part of his shoulder.
“How'd you get so awesome?”
Kurt leaned into the embrace and his soft belly swelled under Puck's hand.
“We were born this way, baby.”
A quiet giggle broke the silence and they both started in shock. Her first giggle. It was quickly filed away with the first time she could hold her head up on her own, the first time she rolled onto her stomach and her first smile. All of them carefully cataloged for easy recounting when she was old enough to care or be embarrassed about that kind of thing. Kurt had a feeling this was going to one of her favorites. Laughing after she had her father cowering in fear over a crying baby.
“Looks like someone's ready for their daddy/daughter day.”
Kurt carefully slipped Ava into the Papoose thing Carole bought them and slid the straps over Puck's arms. The sun was bright and it made Ava's soft skin turn pink almost immediately. Kurt pulled a floppy, cotton hat out of the diaper bag. Blue elephants didn't really go with a yellow dress but he figured he could let one fashion disaster slide in the name of safety.
The playground was full of laughing children, and Puck noticed the wistful smile on Kurt's face. He also noticed that the usually perfectly coiffed head of hair was askew. The thought made his brow furrow, but the shout from across the parking lot pulled his attention. Mercedes was there for their shopping trip. With a kiss and a flounce, Puck and Ava were alone to brave the soccer moms.
Sarah was put on lead striker and it was position she was well suited for. Ava's eyes were darting from one side to the other as she tried to take in all the new stimuli. He was simultaneously the proud big brother and the annoyingly-in-love father. In that moment he didn't think his life could get any better. Then he heard it. Heard them. The harsh whispers of people gossiping.
“That's the Puckerman boy. Seventeen and already a father. Bad enough in the best of times but can you imagine with a father like he had. Plus raised by queers on top of it.”
“I know. I thought for sure we were gonna get rid of that little Hummel fag after graduation. Now it looks like he's gonna be a Lima Loser just like the rest of that family.”
Puck clenched his fists at his side and took deep shuddering breaths. He was about to pull a completely irresponsible move and rip those bitches heads off. But then he saw Sarah running across the field towards him. By the time he got home, his blood had been cooled by two of his favorite girls in the world and his face was sticky from Sarah's fingers. What the hell was with all the orange slices at soccer games?
**
Puck had just put Ava down for her afternoon nap and was wandering aimlessly around the house. It was the first time the house was empty in almost three months. Burt and Carole were 'having a summit about future plans' at the Hudson house. Kurt was spending the day easing Mercedes fears about them becoming an old married couple who didn't have friends that weren't each other. Grabbing the mail off the side table, Puck headed downstairs to rock some X-box. It had been awhile since he could lose himself in boyland.
Four games of Madden, six failed GTA missions and an ill-fated attempt to play one of Kurt's RPG games left Puck feeling bored. He decided to waste some time with a long shower/jerk session.
For that twenty minutes he didn't hear those words. The ones he'd been secretly telling himself for months. That he was holding Kurt back from how his life could be. For twenty minutes all he knew was hot water and the image of Kurt joining him in the shower. Of course, like all good things in his life, it wouldn't last.
Stepping out of the shower, Puck was hit by what was missing on Kurt's vanity. Six small bottles lined the back and that was it. It was a stark contrast to just four months before, when Kurt would host spa days with what was on that vanity. The sight of that made Puck look at the room with new eyes.
That's when he saw what he'd turned Kurt into. He remembered that Kurt had left the house with his hair in disarray. He saw the closet of clothing that had stopped multiplying. He saw the baby pictures that had replaced his shrine to Lady Gaga. He saw the Calvin Klein jeans thrown haphazardly across the back of a chair. He saw the Marc Jacobs shirt that held the distinct odor of baby puke and a stain to match. He saw the toy littered white carpet. He saw the grape juice stain that wouldn't come out. But most importantly, he saw the thick envelope that had Kurt's name on it. The one from Ohio State.
He couldn't be the one to ruin Kurt. He couldn't do to Kurt what his father had done to his mother. He couldn't be what Kurt grew to resent. Looking around, he tried desperately to remember what Burt had bought for them and what had been from Carole. The duffel bag fisted in his hand made him feel like a thief.
Thirty minutes later, Kurt walked into the basement with his hands full of stuff from the Disney Store. All he saw was the shambles that was his bedroom. All he felt was an empty house and a broken heart.
**
Over the past three months, Burt had become accustomed to a loud house. A baby with colic, two teenagers and a gaggle of cooing girls spending hours playing house with little Ava. The sound of the front door opening and bumping against the wall echoed loudly in the quiet house. He couldn't remember the last time a silence like this one hung over the house.
He took a few cautious steps inside and it was then that he saw the blanket missing from the back of the couch. A shot of dread ran through him and he rocketed up the stairs to Ava's room. By the hunch of Kurt's shoulders he knew something was very wrong.
Kurt didn't seem to register the fact he had entered the room. He was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the room, slightly rocking back and forth. Burt got down on one knee beside him and placed his hand between Kurt's shoulder blades. That's when he saw the scrap of fabric. It was the first jumper Ava was brought home in. She had long outgrown it but Kurt seemed to inherit his mother's desire to collect every memory he could. It broke his heart to see the longing way Kurt's fingers ran over the cloth.
“He's gone, Dad. He took her and he left me.” The soft, brittle voice makes him want to find Puckerman and give him something to cry about.
“Did he say why?”
“Nothing. I got home and they were gone.”
“Maybe they just went to visit someone.”
“No. I knew something was wrong when I kissed Noah goodbye this afternoon. He's not coming back.”
Burt tries to reign in his fury but he can't seem to control his breathing. After a silence that stretched for an eternity, Kurt spoke again.
“Can you just give me some time alone?”
“Of course, kid. Let me know what I can do.”
Burt left Kurt sitting on the floor of his wife's old sewing room. He was in the same position Burt spent hours in. In that very room, watching the sun set out the small window, mourning the loss of someone he loved. The sobs he heard down the hallway broke his heart, but he knew from experience that there is nothing he could say that will make this any better.
Just after ten, Burt watched as Kurt slinks downstairs. He saw his hanging head and his tear-stained face. The father in him screams that he has to fix this. The man in him knows it's not his place.
**
When Kurt stomped up the stairs at seven the next morning, Burt was half way through preparing a bottle that he hadn't realized he didn't need. Kurt was dressed in a way Burt hasn't seen since before Puck became Noah and they became a family. Without even acknowledging Burt's presence he began to pace the kitchen floor.
“I need to find them. Where could they go? I know they're not at Noah's house. He would never bring Ava there. Mercedes would have called me. I know that for sure. Maybe he's sleeping in the truck. Oh my god, Dad. Do you think they're sleeping in the truck? I swear if he thinks he's going to get away with that he has another thing coming. I'll kick his ass. I don't care how badass he thinks he is.”
All of a sudden, Kurt turned on his heel and fixed Burt with a hard gaze. It only then that he noticed the guilty look on his face and his pursed lips.
“Dad, do you know where they are?”
Burt could only nod his head.
“Where are they? Where's my family?”
“Carole called after you went to sleep last night. They're safe.”
Burt hadn't even gotten past Carole before Kurt was racing out the door.
**
There was a small part of Kurt that felt bad about knocking so early but it felt good to knock on the door like he's ready to take it off the hinges. Rage pooled in his stomach and he let it overtake him because it hurt too much to feel anything else. He wasn't sure who the hell Noah thought he was. That Kurt would let him walk away with his family and he wouldn't even have to explain himself.
Puck answered the door in his pajamas and with sleep in his eyes. He saw the Kurt he made go away and he knew that he did the right thing by leaving. The dark sunglasses and tight lipped smile remind him of the life Kurt had before he came and ruined it.
“What are you doing here, Kurt?”
“The real question is, what are you doing here, Noah?”
“I'm doing what's best for you. I'm letting you go for your own good. I refuse to be the person you resent. I won't hold you back anymore.”
“You honestly think you're holding me back. Don't you get it, Noah? You gave me my life. You gave me everything I've ever dreamed of.”
“Bullshit. You can't stand there and pretend you wanted to be saddled with a kid that isn't yours when you're seventeen.”
“Fuck you, Noah.” Kurt hissed. “You don't get to say she's not mine. Who spent the first three weeks of her life changing her every time because you were scared of her umbilical cord? Who spent just as many nights pacing the floor with her because she was in pain? I fed her, gave her baths, sang to her when she couldn't sleep.” Kurt's voice dropped off to a whisper and his jaw clenched painfully tight. “How dare you just take her like that? I'm in love with you, idiot. I picked you and her. I picked a life with you and you just leave me like that.” His voice trailed off into an almost defeated whimper.
“Kurt, you don't understand. I'm hurting you. I'm forcing this life on you. You deserve better than me. You deserve New York and Broadway.”
“Noah, if I asked you what I'd always dreamed of being...what would you say?”
“Kurt, don't be an asshole. We all know you want to be a star.”
“Everyone just assumed that. I did want to be a star but that was always Plan B. Before I even knew I could sing I had my dream life picked out. At thirteen, I decided what I wanted my life to be. I was going to be a good father, a good husband. I was going to be in love with a fantastic man and I was going to be a teacher. See, fuckhead, the only thing missing on that list is a teaching degree. Being the first openly gay teacher at William McKinley. Can you think of a bigger star than that? You gave me everything else already. When you see the best life you can for yourself, am I a part of it? Because if I'm not I'll leave you alone. But you have to tell me to my face, I'm not who you want.”
“I can't, Kurt. You're all I've ever seen. I thought I was doing what was right for you.”
“You really think this is what's best for me?”
Kurt ripped off his sunglasses and winced at the harsh light. Puck gasped when he sees Kurt's face. His eyes were swollen and he looked like he's been punched in the face. Puck knows from experience that only happens when you spend the entire night sobbing into your pillow. He can't even count the number of times he had to manufacture epic fights to explain away the evidence of his own.
“Oh my god, I fucked up. I'm so sorry. Fuck, what can I do to make this up to you?”
“You can get our daughter and come home.”
Puck just nodded and Kurt waited in the Navigator for the both of them. He followed behind Puck's pickup and watched from the driver's seat as the pair walk into the front door.
Puck was downstairs with Ava when Kurt finally came back into the house. The silence that hung between them choked Puck and he croaked out another I'm Sorry. Kurt just pushed him hard into the wall by the bathroom.
He kissed Puck like he never thought he'd get the chance again and left Puck's bottom lip slightly bloody. Kurt's breath was harsh and his chest hit Puck's with every exhalation.
“Will you ever do that again?”
“No. I promise. Never ever.”
“Good. You're forgiven. Now go get the rest of Ava's things. She needs to eat soon.”
Puck smiled as he headed up the stairs and Kurt could feel the moment his life shifted back into the right place. He picked up Ava and hugged her hard to his chest.
When Puck made it back down, Kurt was asleep on the rumpled sheets. Ava's head was resting against his clavicle. Her small body rising with each of Kurt's breaths. Her tiny mouth was open and her lips were brushing Kurt's soft skin as she slept. Puck looked at them together and wondered just how much stupid Kurt was willing to forgive him for. Because almost losing this was one of the most epic fuck-ups of his entire life.
He wanted to tell Kurt just how sorry he is. How horrible that night alone was. How glad he was Kurt didn't take no for an answer. Instead he just crawled in next to them and draped a protective arm around his family.
He spent the next three hours watching them sleep and thinking of all the ways he's going to make it up to Kurt. The list was pretty long. So long that it might take a lifetime to fulfill them all. But he thought that might be okay. Because he had a one to spare.
**
2024
Kurt was pulled from his memories as the small, five year old squirmed on his lap.
“Malcolm, calm down. Ava's almost done singing. Then we're going to get ice cream.”
The boy in his arms automatically stilled, and Kurt threw a glance at Puck. The bastard was smirking and pretending to busy himself fixing the hem of Jayne's dress.
Malcolm and Jayne. A true testament to Kurt's love of Firefly that started in college and quickly managed to infect the entire Hummel-Puckerman household. Jayne was originally going to be Kaylee before Finn and Mercedes scooped him by having a daughter first. Mercedes was next to him and gave him an impressed look as Ava hit the high note of her song. Beside her, Finn was holding the video camera and throwing him a thumbs up.
Of course his girl gets a standing ovation, and they have to spend twenty minutes standing by the stage door before Lima's brightest new star came barreling down the stairs. Noah has both of the little ones tucked under both his arms and Ava jumped into Kurt's arms, locking her ankles behind his back.
“What did ya think, Mommy? I tore that place up, huh?”
“First of all, don't call me that in front of the others. We just broke baby Jayne of that habit. I know you taught her that little trick. Second of all, you were fabulous. But that's a given. You're a Puckerman. We're born to be stars.”
Ava pressed a quick kiss to his cheek before jumping down and running across the parking lot towards the car.
Kurt strolled leisurely behind them. Watching Noah in his blue paramedics uniform, two squirming kids at his side and one girl with a beaming smile bouncing on the balls of her feet. Looking back, he's proud of who he's become.
They might not be the kind of stars Mr. Schue always talked about them becoming. Their names weren't really known outside of Lima and when they're gone he doesn't think there will be more than a brief mention in the Obituary section of the newspaper. He shakes his head softly at the narrow-minded versions of how people define stars.
The look Malcolm gave Noah after he taught him how to throw a baseball for the first time. The look Jayne gave Kurt when he was singing her to sleep. The smile Ava would give them both when she caught them kissing in the kitchen before they left for work. That's what made them stars.
Sure they might not be the kind of stars that people always dreamed they would become. But that was more than okay.
Looking at his family, Kurt knew for sure.
This was better.