falling to pieces
I feel so low right now, like i am sinking even further and further as each day goes by. I have battled depression for 6 years now, been on practically every kind of anti depressant, yet i still have relapses. The med i am on now was a lifesaver after having a massive low on the previous med. But now once again, i am sinking - and what next? Another med that will feel great for a while, and then 5 months down the line i'll feel like shit again, and go on a new med?
I had an appt with a psychiatrist last week and he has echoed what previous shrinks have proposed about me - bipolar as 1st choice and personality disorder (BPD) as 2nd choice (or if i'm extremely *lucky* i may have both, how about that for a score?)
But no diagnosis yet...so continue with meds and continue with feeling like shite..and continue living this shite existence of feeling ok/average/crap/crapper than crap....until i get a new magical med...feel great for a while...then crap again. Wow, you all must be so envious of me.
U probably read my profile and all my interesting words and all my hobbies and think how cool and happy i am, but i'm not. I put on this mask of cockiness and happy/crazy fun loving person, but deep down i feel like shit and it takes so much out of me to chat to ppl online - to see my mates and be the lucy everyone expects me to be. Yet if i am miserable around my friends then i bring them down with me. So i prefer to stay at home. But i am so SO alone right now.
Most of my friends are in serious relationships so are always with their blokes etc, and i just cant relate to them anymore. My best friend lives in Bucks so i only get to see her about every 3 months. My other good friend has moved to London and i doubt i will get to see much of him anymore - esp as he has a girlfriend etc and is all busy with lots of things.
I just feel like i have no control over anything...prescribed my pills, asked lots of stupid questions, pushed this way and that way...My illness controls me cos whilst i am one minute ok, then low, it fucks up jobs i am in and the lows make me lose confidence in wanting to apply for jobs. And i am sick of ppl saying 'it will get better' 'you'll be ok when you get a job'. For fucks sake, i have clinical shitting depression and its fucking terminal til the day i die (hopefully sooner rather than later). And what most ppl dont realise is that every fucking day I try like hell to do things that will calm me and make me feel better. But its not like a nice walk in the wanking park is gonna change whats in my head - the hormones, the chemicals, the seratonin imbalances and my fucked up genetic makeup. I try SO hard to help myself but it DOESNT work cos u cant fight your own brain.
And i am so angry cos i had so many plans - do my masters, get by doctorate, publish novels, travel the world...and yeh i may be able to do some of those things, but i would rather not do them at all if i am doing them with this deep dark misery inside of me (a misery that makes these great tasks feel like one big chore).
As dido song goes 'I just want to feel safe in my own skin'
I had an appt with a psychiatrist last week and he has echoed what previous shrinks have proposed about me - bipolar as 1st choice and personality disorder (BPD) as 2nd choice (or if i'm extremely *lucky* i may have both, how about that for a score?)
But no diagnosis yet...so continue with meds and continue with feeling like shite..and continue living this shite existence of feeling ok/average/crap/crapper than crap....until i get a new magical med...feel great for a while...then crap again. Wow, you all must be so envious of me.
U probably read my profile and all my interesting words and all my hobbies and think how cool and happy i am, but i'm not. I put on this mask of cockiness and happy/crazy fun loving person, but deep down i feel like shit and it takes so much out of me to chat to ppl online - to see my mates and be the lucy everyone expects me to be. Yet if i am miserable around my friends then i bring them down with me. So i prefer to stay at home. But i am so SO alone right now.
Most of my friends are in serious relationships so are always with their blokes etc, and i just cant relate to them anymore. My best friend lives in Bucks so i only get to see her about every 3 months. My other good friend has moved to London and i doubt i will get to see much of him anymore - esp as he has a girlfriend etc and is all busy with lots of things.
I just feel like i have no control over anything...prescribed my pills, asked lots of stupid questions, pushed this way and that way...My illness controls me cos whilst i am one minute ok, then low, it fucks up jobs i am in and the lows make me lose confidence in wanting to apply for jobs. And i am sick of ppl saying 'it will get better' 'you'll be ok when you get a job'. For fucks sake, i have clinical shitting depression and its fucking terminal til the day i die (hopefully sooner rather than later). And what most ppl dont realise is that every fucking day I try like hell to do things that will calm me and make me feel better. But its not like a nice walk in the wanking park is gonna change whats in my head - the hormones, the chemicals, the seratonin imbalances and my fucked up genetic makeup. I try SO hard to help myself but it DOESNT work cos u cant fight your own brain.
And i am so angry cos i had so many plans - do my masters, get by doctorate, publish novels, travel the world...and yeh i may be able to do some of those things, but i would rather not do them at all if i am doing them with this deep dark misery inside of me (a misery that makes these great tasks feel like one big chore).
As dido song goes 'I just want to feel safe in my own skin'