Anniversary Waltz Chapter 11/12
Title: Anniversary Waltz (11/12)
Rating: R (mature)
Characters/Pairing: Kirk/Uhura
Disclaimer: Characters and canon belong to Paramount, Roddenberry, Abrams and many others but not me. All rights reserved. No copyright infringement intended and no profit is made by the author.
Summary: One year prior, the Enterprise had shipped out for its first mission under the official command of James T. Kirk and the young captain had deemed it a day worthy of recognition.
Chapter 11
Engrossed in the report he was reading, Jim Kirk did not at first hear the chime alerting him to an incoming message.
The computer chirped again with cheerful insistence.
“On screen,” he ordered absently, his eyes skimming hastily over the remaining lines of the report.
“There’s a sight I’ve rarely seen.”
The familiar voice caught his attention and he looked up.
“Mom.”
“Oh, if only you had shown as much diligence to your schoolwork as a child. You might’ve found a way to stay out of all the trouble you so often managed to get into.”
Though her tone was bland, her eyes were alight with humor.
“School was boring.”
She rolled her eyes at the familiar whine he had injected into his voice and he grinned.
“How are you, Mom?”
“I’m well. I just thought that since you haven’t been in touch lately, I’d call you.”
Her pleasantly voiced rebuke was meant to remind him that while he may very well be the youngest captain in the history of Starfleet, he was still her child and had more than just the admirality to whom he was expected to make regular reports. Her eyes swept over him with a mother’s practiced ease, noting immediately the weariness around his eyes and the tension in his jaw and well knowing his stubborn nature - since he had inherited that trait from her - decided she’d work her way around to finding out the cause.
“How’s my widdle baby boy?”
She chuckled, delighted to have elicited the reaction she sought as he instinctively hunched his shoulders and winced in response to her deliberately cloying tone and words. Remembering himself, he straightened his spine.
“Alright, Commander,” he said in his best command voice. “Stand down.”
His mock glare dissolved into a grin identical to the one wreathing her face. Though he looked like his father, his smile, like his sense of humor, was pure Winona.
She arched a brow.
“Enjoy pulling rank while you can, honey.”
He propped his chin in his hand.
“Well,” he said thoughtfully. “That’s cryptic enough. What’s up?”
“I actually did have a reason for calling -”
“Other than harassing me, you mean?” he snarked.
She shot him a look that had been effective at putting him in his place for most of his twenty-six years.
“I’m retiring from active duty.”
“I… Wow!” He couldn’t imagine his mother retired from the service.
“What are you going to do with yourself?”
“I’m going to teach.”
His eyes widened. “At the Academy?”
She nodded. “Part-time Just two classes per semester in the beginning. It’ll give me a chance to get my feet wet and see if I like it.”
“You’ll be great,” he promised.
She blew out a breath. “I hope so.”
“Are you nervous?”
“A little,” she admitted. “But I’m excited too. And I’m looking forward to having more free time. I want to visit Sam, Aurelan and the baby before my first semester begins.”
She smiled again. “Have you seen him?”
“Pictures.” Jim shrugged. “Aurelan sent me a holo. He’s a cute kid.”
“I’ve been hearing rumors that the Enterprise is on the short list for the five year deep space mission that everyone is buzzing about.”
She saw a flare of excitement briefly illuminate his face before the weariness reappeared.
“Rumor is the operative word,” he said. “Spock doesn’t think we’re likely to get it.”
“And what do you think?” his mother asked.
“That Spock’s probably right. They might have given us the newest ship in the fleet…” His shoulders rose and fell on a long sigh. “But I think our lack of experience will count against us.”
“Well, I have a good feeling about your chances.”
In truth, there was a knot of tension taking up residence in her stomach at the thought of her youngest child being so far out of reach for such a long period of time, but she hid her disquiet behind a cheerful smile.
“If you do get the assignment -”
“Mom.”
“If you get it,” she continued as if he had not interrupted, “you’ll have to come home first, won’t you?”
“Since no one has ever undertaken this kind of mission, I imagine that whatever ship is chosen, even the Enterprise, will have to spend time in space dock to have supplies laid in and to have some modifications performed. And, I would think the officers and crew will spend a lot of time being briefed by the brass.”
“Well, then I’ll expect you to take some leave and come home for a visit before you go.” Her face brightened. “I’ll tell Sam to come and bring Aurelan and Peter! We’ll have a real family reunion and send you off in style.”
He leaned back in his chair and studied his mother as she continued to chat with him. At fifty-five, Winona Kirk was still a beautiful woman. She no longer wore her hair in the long blonde ponytail he remembered from his childhood. Now it framed her features in a short, stylish cut. She wore her age well. And though he knew that the few lines on her face were well-earned by the tragedies and difficulties which had marked her life, it was the laugh lines around her eyes and mouth which most intrigued him.
“Mom.” He interrupted her abruptly. “How did you - ” He cut himself off. “Never mind.”
Winona tipped her head to one side.
“You look tired, honey.” She had been waiting for the opportunity to bring it up and leaped on it now.
“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” she continued. “You know you can ask me anything. Tell me anything.”
He rubbed a hand nervously over the back of his neck.
“How… when you lost Dad, how did you deal with it?”
“Oh.” She touched her fingers to her mouth in surprise. Jim had still been a little boy when he stopped asking questions about his father.
She moistened suddenly dry lips with her tongue.
“Badly,” she said finally. “In the beginning, I handled it very badly.”
“In what way?”
“Oh, honey. In every possible way.” She closed her eyes for a moment, remembering.
“I was consumed with my own pain. For a long time, you and Sam had a zombie for a mother. I just… I just got through the days but I wasn’t living. I did what I had to do - I made sure you and Sam were fed and clean and dressed but in almost every other way, I ignored you both…”
Her voice trailed off and she gave him a sad smile.
“The truth is that most of the first year of your life is a blur to me.”
“Mom.” He held up a forestalling hand. “I didn’t mean to make you… I’m sorry. Let’s change the subject.”
“No. It’s good. We’ve never really talked about any of this. And I can see that something is bothering you and maybe I can help.”
“What changed? I mean, yeah, you were gone a lot - ”
He flushed.
“I didn’t mean it the way it sounded,” he rushed to say. “I… you were off planet a lot working while I was growing up but you were never an absentee parent. Not the way you’re describing yourself. Not to my memory.”
Her lips curved, happy to know that in this, at least, she had not scarred him.
“What changed? Oh, it was…” Her eyes took on a faraway look. “It was summer and it was raining and I was standing in the kitchen cleaning up after breakfast, staring out the window at nothing but wet fields and mud and gray skies and hating my life.”
She saw something ripple across his expression and knew that in this he was a kindred spirit, restless and always looking to the horizon.
“Then I heard you squealing in the other room and Sam giggling and I… it was such a happy sound…” Her smile was soft with remembrance.
She followed the cheerful noise and found her boys in the living room. At eleven months of age, Jim was a sturdy, growing baby. He braced his tiny hands on the low table in front of the sofa and pulled himself to his feet.
“Yay, Jimmy!” Sam sing-songed. “You did it. Now come here.”
Sam knelt on the carpet and held out his arms. His fingers wiggled in encouragement. “Come on, Jimmy. You did it before. You can do it again.”
The baby eyed the short distance between himself and his brother and determinedly stuck out one foot. He toddled forward on unsteady legs, closing the distance in tottering steps until he fell gleefully into his brother’s waiting arms.
Unaware of their mother’s watchful presence, both boys laughed as Sam caught him.
“That was great, Jimmy. You wanna do it again?”
The baby nodded so hard his hair flopped around on top of his head. “gen! ‘gen!”
“Okay. Okay. Hold your horses!” Sam giggled. He helped Jim up to his feet again and held his hands until the baby was steady, then changed directions and slid back toward the sofa.
“Okay, Jimmy. Come on.”
Jim set off with a burst of speed too fast for his feet. He wavered, chubby arms pin-wheeling for balance before his feet tangled and he plopped unexpectedly onto his rump. His eyes widened and filled with surprised tears.
Winona took an instinctive step closer to the doorway but stopped as Sam hurriedly crawled toward his brother.
“Hey, don’t cry.” The little boy patted his baby brother’s back and stroked a hand over the downy tufts of blonde hair covering his head. “It’s okay. Let’s try again.”
Jim’s chest heaved once and his lower lip thrust out as he was caught between tears and the desire to keep playing with Sam. He let out a watery giggle as Sam made funny faces and wrapped pudgy fingers around Sam’s hands as his older brother guided him up to his feet.
Once more, Winona watched as Jim toddled toward his brother and when the boys erupted again in joyous laughter, could not resist the urge to join them.
“Did you teach him to walk, Sammy?”
Both boys whipped their heads up at the soft sound of their mother’s voice. Sam, old enough to be aware of the sadness that surrounded his once cheerful mother, nodded slowly.
“I guess… should I have waited for you?” Worry that he had hurt her fragile feelings showed in the concerned face he tipped up toward her and she cringed at the realization of the weight he was carrying on his too young shoulders.
Jim, his face still blotchy from the earlier tears, sat on the floor, popped two fingers into his mouth and began to suck on them furiously. Too little to understand the emotional currents swelling around him, but aware of them nonetheless, his head swiveled between his mother and brother, curiosity and concern reflected in his blue eyes.
“Oh, no, Sammy. It’s fine,” she assured him. “You guys are having fun, huh?”
She lowered herself to the floor about three feet away from them.
“Do you think he’ll come to me?”
“Uh… sure.” Sam’s lips quivered into a cautious smile and he turned back to his brother.
“Hey, Jimmy...”
Sam helped the baby back onto his feet and guided his hands to rest on the edge of the low table beside him.
“Do you want to walk to mommy?”
Sam gave his brother an encouraging pat on his diapered rump and slid back to sit next to Winona. She felt her heart crack open as the baby cocked his head to one side, puzzlement clearly etched across his tiny features at the unfamiliar sight of his mother seated on the floor and seemingly waiting to play with him.
Frightened to the core at the thought of being rejected by her baby boy, she fought the urge to scramble to her feet and race from the room. Instead, she settled herself more comfortably, crossing her legs before her and drawing Sam close to her side.
“Hey, baby. Do you want to show momma how you can walk?” She held out one hand and crooked her fingers invitingly.
Jim stared at her, considering, and she could feel the tension radiating off Sam. She laid a gentle hand on his shoulder and he nodded to his little brother.
“Come on, Jimmy. Show mommy. Walk over here.”
Jimmy smiled then. “Walk!” he crowed emphatically. “Walk! Walk! Walk!”
“Oh, no. That’s his new word. He’s gonna say it all day now.”
Winona laughed as she heard Sam mutter with the disdain typical to older brothers, then turned her attention back to her youngest.
He took two steps and teetered. Sam and Winona leaned forward at the same time, but he regained his balance. A glint of determination shone in his bright blue eyes - the same glint which would later be the cause of more than one gray hair for his mother - and he stepped off again, wobbling across the few feet that separated him from them.
He fell into their waiting arms with a triumphant laugh and the three of them rolled around on the floor in celebration.
Winona sat up and hugged her boys close. She drew in a deep breath, filling her lungs with the milky, powdery scent of her baby and the sharp clean smell of Sam - all little boy sweat and pilfered candy - and they spent the rest of that rainy morning playing together in the little farm house.
“I remember sitting downstairs alone after putting the two of you to bed that night and feeling the familiar sadness and anger come over me. ‘George,’ I said. ‘You should have been here. You should have seen it.’”
The faraway look cleared from her eyes and she stared intently at her son through the view screen.
“And then, I swear to you, I heard your father’s voice in my head. Speaking as if he was sitting right next to me on that sofa.”
Jim swallowed against the sudden lump which had formed in his throat.
“What… what did he say?”
“He said, ‘I was here, Winnie. I saw him take his very first step. You’re the one who missed it.’”
She sighed. “He was right. I was there in that house with you every day and I missed so much. He was gone, but in that moment I knew that he was always watching over us. That he had seen everything. Including what a dismal failure I had become.”
“Mom,” he protested. “Don’t.”
She knuckled away a tear and gave him a watery smile.
“It’s okay. It’s true. He would have been ashamed of me. If the positions were reversed and I had seen your father floating through life, ignoring you and your brother the way I ignored you, I would have been so disappointed in him.”
She took a deep breath.
“Is that what you wanted to know?”
“Sort of.” His chest rose and fell on a long sigh and he cast his eyes around the room, searching for the right words.
“I guess… what I really want to know is how you… I mean.” He licked his lips. “How did you adjust? I have to imagine that all of the plans you and Dad made together just flew out the window when he died. How did you go on? How did you regroup? How did you learn to live with it?”
“Oh, sweetie.” She gave him a helpless shrug. “I guess…” She paused and ran a thumb over the ring George had given her which she now wore on her right hand. “What I came to realize was how blessed I had been to ever be lucky enough to have him in my life. I’m human, so I’m also greedy and I wanted more time with him. And I was angry, for such a long time I was so very, very angry to have him torn away from me like that.”
“But would it have been better if I had never met him? Never loved him or been loved by him? Never had him give you and Sam to me? That night, I realized that he had never really left me. He had been there all along. Not only his spirit, but he was right there, in front of me, in you and your brother. You look so much like him. Sam sounds like him. I see him in the tilt of your head or in Sam’s walk…”
Her smile was beatific.
“I believe that the people we love, the ones who go on before us, never really leave us. We have our lives to live. I wanted to curl up into a ball and die when he left. And for the better part of a year I effectively did just that. I didn’t want to care about anyone. I closed myself off from friends who wanted to help. From my parents and your father’s parents. I didn’t want to love you and Sam. And more… I didn’t want either of you to love me.”
She leaned closer to the screen and her voice was soft, but urgent.
“Living in that fog was easier. I thought I was protecting myself. But you can’t do that. You can’t protect yourself from friendship. From love. I learned that you just have to live each day and embrace it. You can’t go through life running from ‘what if’ and making decisions about life based on fear of loss.”
He looked down, rubbing an agitated thumb over the glossy surface of his desk.
“What if the decisions you make means someone else could die?”
She lifted a hand toward the screen as if to stroke it over his hair.
“Are you asking me as a captain… or as a man?”
He shrugged helplessly.
“Both.”
“Oh, Jim, the only thing I can tell you is that you can make all the plans you want. You can try to protect yourself but in the end, life is going to dole out what it’s going to dole out and there’s little you can do to prepare for the consequences.”
“In all walks of your life, the only thing you can do is to make decisions based on the best information you have available. Live your life. Hope for the best, brace for the worst. If you make a mistake, learn from it. In the end, that’s pretty much what life is all about.”
She cocked her head to one side and studied her son’s pensive face.
“Did that help any?”
He nodded slowly. “It’s… it’s something to think about.”
“Good.” She settled back comfortably in her chair.
“Now. Tell me about this girl you love.”
The surprised look on his face was comical and she laughed out loud.
“Oh, Jimmy. I’m your mother. Haven’t you learned by now that I know all? See all?”
He sighed ruefully. It had been a truism through most of his life and he guessed it hadn’t changed. Probably never would.
“Well, she’s smart,” he started “Beautiful…”
A/N: Once again, I’m off base as to the length of this story. At ten pages I thought this was a good place to break. I mean it now when I say only one more (likely short) scene left and then we’re outta here!
Rating: R (mature)
Characters/Pairing: Kirk/Uhura
Disclaimer: Characters and canon belong to Paramount, Roddenberry, Abrams and many others but not me. All rights reserved. No copyright infringement intended and no profit is made by the author.
Summary: One year prior, the Enterprise had shipped out for its first mission under the official command of James T. Kirk and the young captain had deemed it a day worthy of recognition.
Chapter 11
Engrossed in the report he was reading, Jim Kirk did not at first hear the chime alerting him to an incoming message.
The computer chirped again with cheerful insistence.
“On screen,” he ordered absently, his eyes skimming hastily over the remaining lines of the report.
“There’s a sight I’ve rarely seen.”
The familiar voice caught his attention and he looked up.
“Mom.”
“Oh, if only you had shown as much diligence to your schoolwork as a child. You might’ve found a way to stay out of all the trouble you so often managed to get into.”
Though her tone was bland, her eyes were alight with humor.
“School was boring.”
She rolled her eyes at the familiar whine he had injected into his voice and he grinned.
“How are you, Mom?”
“I’m well. I just thought that since you haven’t been in touch lately, I’d call you.”
Her pleasantly voiced rebuke was meant to remind him that while he may very well be the youngest captain in the history of Starfleet, he was still her child and had more than just the admirality to whom he was expected to make regular reports. Her eyes swept over him with a mother’s practiced ease, noting immediately the weariness around his eyes and the tension in his jaw and well knowing his stubborn nature - since he had inherited that trait from her - decided she’d work her way around to finding out the cause.
“How’s my widdle baby boy?”
She chuckled, delighted to have elicited the reaction she sought as he instinctively hunched his shoulders and winced in response to her deliberately cloying tone and words. Remembering himself, he straightened his spine.
“Alright, Commander,” he said in his best command voice. “Stand down.”
His mock glare dissolved into a grin identical to the one wreathing her face. Though he looked like his father, his smile, like his sense of humor, was pure Winona.
She arched a brow.
“Enjoy pulling rank while you can, honey.”
He propped his chin in his hand.
“Well,” he said thoughtfully. “That’s cryptic enough. What’s up?”
“I actually did have a reason for calling -”
“Other than harassing me, you mean?” he snarked.
She shot him a look that had been effective at putting him in his place for most of his twenty-six years.
“I’m retiring from active duty.”
“I… Wow!” He couldn’t imagine his mother retired from the service.
“What are you going to do with yourself?”
“I’m going to teach.”
His eyes widened. “At the Academy?”
She nodded. “Part-time Just two classes per semester in the beginning. It’ll give me a chance to get my feet wet and see if I like it.”
“You’ll be great,” he promised.
She blew out a breath. “I hope so.”
“Are you nervous?”
“A little,” she admitted. “But I’m excited too. And I’m looking forward to having more free time. I want to visit Sam, Aurelan and the baby before my first semester begins.”
She smiled again. “Have you seen him?”
“Pictures.” Jim shrugged. “Aurelan sent me a holo. He’s a cute kid.”
“I’ve been hearing rumors that the Enterprise is on the short list for the five year deep space mission that everyone is buzzing about.”
She saw a flare of excitement briefly illuminate his face before the weariness reappeared.
“Rumor is the operative word,” he said. “Spock doesn’t think we’re likely to get it.”
“And what do you think?” his mother asked.
“That Spock’s probably right. They might have given us the newest ship in the fleet…” His shoulders rose and fell on a long sigh. “But I think our lack of experience will count against us.”
“Well, I have a good feeling about your chances.”
In truth, there was a knot of tension taking up residence in her stomach at the thought of her youngest child being so far out of reach for such a long period of time, but she hid her disquiet behind a cheerful smile.
“If you do get the assignment -”
“Mom.”
“If you get it,” she continued as if he had not interrupted, “you’ll have to come home first, won’t you?”
“Since no one has ever undertaken this kind of mission, I imagine that whatever ship is chosen, even the Enterprise, will have to spend time in space dock to have supplies laid in and to have some modifications performed. And, I would think the officers and crew will spend a lot of time being briefed by the brass.”
“Well, then I’ll expect you to take some leave and come home for a visit before you go.” Her face brightened. “I’ll tell Sam to come and bring Aurelan and Peter! We’ll have a real family reunion and send you off in style.”
He leaned back in his chair and studied his mother as she continued to chat with him. At fifty-five, Winona Kirk was still a beautiful woman. She no longer wore her hair in the long blonde ponytail he remembered from his childhood. Now it framed her features in a short, stylish cut. She wore her age well. And though he knew that the few lines on her face were well-earned by the tragedies and difficulties which had marked her life, it was the laugh lines around her eyes and mouth which most intrigued him.
“Mom.” He interrupted her abruptly. “How did you - ” He cut himself off. “Never mind.”
Winona tipped her head to one side.
“You look tired, honey.” She had been waiting for the opportunity to bring it up and leaped on it now.
“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” she continued. “You know you can ask me anything. Tell me anything.”
He rubbed a hand nervously over the back of his neck.
“How… when you lost Dad, how did you deal with it?”
“Oh.” She touched her fingers to her mouth in surprise. Jim had still been a little boy when he stopped asking questions about his father.
She moistened suddenly dry lips with her tongue.
“Badly,” she said finally. “In the beginning, I handled it very badly.”
“In what way?”
“Oh, honey. In every possible way.” She closed her eyes for a moment, remembering.
“I was consumed with my own pain. For a long time, you and Sam had a zombie for a mother. I just… I just got through the days but I wasn’t living. I did what I had to do - I made sure you and Sam were fed and clean and dressed but in almost every other way, I ignored you both…”
Her voice trailed off and she gave him a sad smile.
“The truth is that most of the first year of your life is a blur to me.”
“Mom.” He held up a forestalling hand. “I didn’t mean to make you… I’m sorry. Let’s change the subject.”
“No. It’s good. We’ve never really talked about any of this. And I can see that something is bothering you and maybe I can help.”
“What changed? I mean, yeah, you were gone a lot - ”
He flushed.
“I didn’t mean it the way it sounded,” he rushed to say. “I… you were off planet a lot working while I was growing up but you were never an absentee parent. Not the way you’re describing yourself. Not to my memory.”
Her lips curved, happy to know that in this, at least, she had not scarred him.
“What changed? Oh, it was…” Her eyes took on a faraway look. “It was summer and it was raining and I was standing in the kitchen cleaning up after breakfast, staring out the window at nothing but wet fields and mud and gray skies and hating my life.”
She saw something ripple across his expression and knew that in this he was a kindred spirit, restless and always looking to the horizon.
“Then I heard you squealing in the other room and Sam giggling and I… it was such a happy sound…” Her smile was soft with remembrance.
She followed the cheerful noise and found her boys in the living room. At eleven months of age, Jim was a sturdy, growing baby. He braced his tiny hands on the low table in front of the sofa and pulled himself to his feet.
“Yay, Jimmy!” Sam sing-songed. “You did it. Now come here.”
Sam knelt on the carpet and held out his arms. His fingers wiggled in encouragement. “Come on, Jimmy. You did it before. You can do it again.”
The baby eyed the short distance between himself and his brother and determinedly stuck out one foot. He toddled forward on unsteady legs, closing the distance in tottering steps until he fell gleefully into his brother’s waiting arms.
Unaware of their mother’s watchful presence, both boys laughed as Sam caught him.
“That was great, Jimmy. You wanna do it again?”
The baby nodded so hard his hair flopped around on top of his head. “gen! ‘gen!”
“Okay. Okay. Hold your horses!” Sam giggled. He helped Jim up to his feet again and held his hands until the baby was steady, then changed directions and slid back toward the sofa.
“Okay, Jimmy. Come on.”
Jim set off with a burst of speed too fast for his feet. He wavered, chubby arms pin-wheeling for balance before his feet tangled and he plopped unexpectedly onto his rump. His eyes widened and filled with surprised tears.
Winona took an instinctive step closer to the doorway but stopped as Sam hurriedly crawled toward his brother.
“Hey, don’t cry.” The little boy patted his baby brother’s back and stroked a hand over the downy tufts of blonde hair covering his head. “It’s okay. Let’s try again.”
Jim’s chest heaved once and his lower lip thrust out as he was caught between tears and the desire to keep playing with Sam. He let out a watery giggle as Sam made funny faces and wrapped pudgy fingers around Sam’s hands as his older brother guided him up to his feet.
Once more, Winona watched as Jim toddled toward his brother and when the boys erupted again in joyous laughter, could not resist the urge to join them.
“Did you teach him to walk, Sammy?”
Both boys whipped their heads up at the soft sound of their mother’s voice. Sam, old enough to be aware of the sadness that surrounded his once cheerful mother, nodded slowly.
“I guess… should I have waited for you?” Worry that he had hurt her fragile feelings showed in the concerned face he tipped up toward her and she cringed at the realization of the weight he was carrying on his too young shoulders.
Jim, his face still blotchy from the earlier tears, sat on the floor, popped two fingers into his mouth and began to suck on them furiously. Too little to understand the emotional currents swelling around him, but aware of them nonetheless, his head swiveled between his mother and brother, curiosity and concern reflected in his blue eyes.
“Oh, no, Sammy. It’s fine,” she assured him. “You guys are having fun, huh?”
She lowered herself to the floor about three feet away from them.
“Do you think he’ll come to me?”
“Uh… sure.” Sam’s lips quivered into a cautious smile and he turned back to his brother.
“Hey, Jimmy...”
Sam helped the baby back onto his feet and guided his hands to rest on the edge of the low table beside him.
“Do you want to walk to mommy?”
Sam gave his brother an encouraging pat on his diapered rump and slid back to sit next to Winona. She felt her heart crack open as the baby cocked his head to one side, puzzlement clearly etched across his tiny features at the unfamiliar sight of his mother seated on the floor and seemingly waiting to play with him.
Frightened to the core at the thought of being rejected by her baby boy, she fought the urge to scramble to her feet and race from the room. Instead, she settled herself more comfortably, crossing her legs before her and drawing Sam close to her side.
“Hey, baby. Do you want to show momma how you can walk?” She held out one hand and crooked her fingers invitingly.
Jim stared at her, considering, and she could feel the tension radiating off Sam. She laid a gentle hand on his shoulder and he nodded to his little brother.
“Come on, Jimmy. Show mommy. Walk over here.”
Jimmy smiled then. “Walk!” he crowed emphatically. “Walk! Walk! Walk!”
“Oh, no. That’s his new word. He’s gonna say it all day now.”
Winona laughed as she heard Sam mutter with the disdain typical to older brothers, then turned her attention back to her youngest.
He took two steps and teetered. Sam and Winona leaned forward at the same time, but he regained his balance. A glint of determination shone in his bright blue eyes - the same glint which would later be the cause of more than one gray hair for his mother - and he stepped off again, wobbling across the few feet that separated him from them.
He fell into their waiting arms with a triumphant laugh and the three of them rolled around on the floor in celebration.
Winona sat up and hugged her boys close. She drew in a deep breath, filling her lungs with the milky, powdery scent of her baby and the sharp clean smell of Sam - all little boy sweat and pilfered candy - and they spent the rest of that rainy morning playing together in the little farm house.
“I remember sitting downstairs alone after putting the two of you to bed that night and feeling the familiar sadness and anger come over me. ‘George,’ I said. ‘You should have been here. You should have seen it.’”
The faraway look cleared from her eyes and she stared intently at her son through the view screen.
“And then, I swear to you, I heard your father’s voice in my head. Speaking as if he was sitting right next to me on that sofa.”
Jim swallowed against the sudden lump which had formed in his throat.
“What… what did he say?”
“He said, ‘I was here, Winnie. I saw him take his very first step. You’re the one who missed it.’”
She sighed. “He was right. I was there in that house with you every day and I missed so much. He was gone, but in that moment I knew that he was always watching over us. That he had seen everything. Including what a dismal failure I had become.”
“Mom,” he protested. “Don’t.”
She knuckled away a tear and gave him a watery smile.
“It’s okay. It’s true. He would have been ashamed of me. If the positions were reversed and I had seen your father floating through life, ignoring you and your brother the way I ignored you, I would have been so disappointed in him.”
She took a deep breath.
“Is that what you wanted to know?”
“Sort of.” His chest rose and fell on a long sigh and he cast his eyes around the room, searching for the right words.
“I guess… what I really want to know is how you… I mean.” He licked his lips. “How did you adjust? I have to imagine that all of the plans you and Dad made together just flew out the window when he died. How did you go on? How did you regroup? How did you learn to live with it?”
“Oh, sweetie.” She gave him a helpless shrug. “I guess…” She paused and ran a thumb over the ring George had given her which she now wore on her right hand. “What I came to realize was how blessed I had been to ever be lucky enough to have him in my life. I’m human, so I’m also greedy and I wanted more time with him. And I was angry, for such a long time I was so very, very angry to have him torn away from me like that.”
“But would it have been better if I had never met him? Never loved him or been loved by him? Never had him give you and Sam to me? That night, I realized that he had never really left me. He had been there all along. Not only his spirit, but he was right there, in front of me, in you and your brother. You look so much like him. Sam sounds like him. I see him in the tilt of your head or in Sam’s walk…”
Her smile was beatific.
“I believe that the people we love, the ones who go on before us, never really leave us. We have our lives to live. I wanted to curl up into a ball and die when he left. And for the better part of a year I effectively did just that. I didn’t want to care about anyone. I closed myself off from friends who wanted to help. From my parents and your father’s parents. I didn’t want to love you and Sam. And more… I didn’t want either of you to love me.”
She leaned closer to the screen and her voice was soft, but urgent.
“Living in that fog was easier. I thought I was protecting myself. But you can’t do that. You can’t protect yourself from friendship. From love. I learned that you just have to live each day and embrace it. You can’t go through life running from ‘what if’ and making decisions about life based on fear of loss.”
He looked down, rubbing an agitated thumb over the glossy surface of his desk.
“What if the decisions you make means someone else could die?”
She lifted a hand toward the screen as if to stroke it over his hair.
“Are you asking me as a captain… or as a man?”
He shrugged helplessly.
“Both.”
“Oh, Jim, the only thing I can tell you is that you can make all the plans you want. You can try to protect yourself but in the end, life is going to dole out what it’s going to dole out and there’s little you can do to prepare for the consequences.”
“In all walks of your life, the only thing you can do is to make decisions based on the best information you have available. Live your life. Hope for the best, brace for the worst. If you make a mistake, learn from it. In the end, that’s pretty much what life is all about.”
She cocked her head to one side and studied her son’s pensive face.
“Did that help any?”
He nodded slowly. “It’s… it’s something to think about.”
“Good.” She settled back comfortably in her chair.
“Now. Tell me about this girl you love.”
The surprised look on his face was comical and she laughed out loud.
“Oh, Jimmy. I’m your mother. Haven’t you learned by now that I know all? See all?”
He sighed ruefully. It had been a truism through most of his life and he guessed it hadn’t changed. Probably never would.
“Well, she’s smart,” he started “Beautiful…”
A/N: Once again, I’m off base as to the length of this story. At ten pages I thought this was a good place to break. I mean it now when I say only one more (likely short) scene left and then we’re outta here!