Anniversary Waltz, Chapter Nine
Title: Anniversary Waltz (9/?)
Rating: R (mature)
Characters/Pairing: Kirk/Uhura
Disclaimer: Characters and canon belong to Paramount, Roddenberry, Abrams and many others but not me. All rights reserved. No copyright infringement intended and no profit is made by the author.
Summary: One year prior, the Enterprise had shipped out for its first mission under the official command of James T. Kirk and the young captain had deemed it a day worthy of recognition.
Nyota awoke the next morning to an otherwise empty bed. Pointing her fingers and toes, she stretched luxuriously and reached a hand toward the other side of the mattress to find sheets which were cool to the touch. He had been awake for a while she surmised and listened closely for any sign that he was nearby. Dragging his pillow into her arms, she breathed in deeply, drawing his scent into her lungs.
He loved her.
Emotionally and physically exhausted by the long day, she had been drifting in that pleasant place between sleep and wakefulness but she had heard the words he whispered in the dark. Felt the power of them surge through her and had hugged them to her as possessively as he had clasped her in his arms.
She had wanted to say the words herself. The pulsing fear she felt as she had listened to his shouts from the planet’s surface and the acknowledgment of the danger in which they so often lived their lives had inspired her to give up the silly notion of waiting for him to admit his feelings first. She had thought she would tell him when she walked into his quarters last evening. But then she had been caught up in consoling him, and concern that he would misinterpret them as empty words of comfort or pity had caused her to hold the declaration back for another time.
Now, she could not wait to see him. To tell him of her own feelings. A wide smile spread over her face. Despite the horror of the previous day, she could not stop the happiness that flooded through her.
Eager to find him, she flung away the sheet and rose from the bed. She moved quickly through her morning ablutions. Grabbing a uniform from his closet, she tugged the red material over her head. Her hair - unruly from having slept with it still damp from the shower - was scraped back into a low bun at the nape of her neck.
“Computer,” she called around a mouthful of hairpins. “Locate Captain Kirk.”
“The captain is in the officers’ mess.”
Jamming the last pin into her hair, Nyota left his quarters
x x x x x
The mess was crowded with officers preparing for the morning shift. Sweeping her gaze over the room, she was surprised to find him at a small table tucked into a shadowy corner rather than at his usual center spot where he could easily interact with his staff.
He was hunched over a cup of coffee and even from where she stood she could see that the forbidding glower on his face had everyone maintaining a safe distance. Grabbing a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of herbal tea, Nyota crossed the room and set her tray down on his table.
Feeling suddenly shy, she offered a hesitant smile.
“Good morning.” She slipped into the other chair.
Cradling his cup between his hands, he glanced over at her. Fatigue was evident in the dark bruises smudging the fragile skin beneath his eyes and in the lines etched between his brows.
Staring into the clouded blue of his eyes, she tried to gauge his mood. Her fingers toyed nervously with a spoon and she felt the giddy happiness evaporate as suddenly the distance between them seemed to be a much greater expanse than the width of the table that separated them.
“Did you get any sleep?” she asked with tender concern.
He studied her in silence for a long - painfully long - moment and she was unable to decipher the emotions swirling in his eyes.
“I’m okay,” he finally said. “But I’m late.” Rising, he drained his cup in one long gulp.
His hand hovered over her shoulder for a second before he awkwardly snatched it back to his side.
“I’ll see you later.”
Stunned by his abrupt departure, she stared blindly down at the table and pushed away her tray. The sudden knot of tension taking up residence in her stomach left no room for an appetite.
x x x x x x
“Uhura. Do you have a minute?”
Nyota glanced up from her conversation with Christine to see McCoy gesturing to her from across the med bay.
“Of course.”
Curious, she followed him into his office.
“Close the door and have a seat.” He waved a hand toward the chair on the other side of his desk.
“You want something to drink?”
He fiddled with a small replicator and ordered up a cup of coffee for himself.
“No… thank you.” She perched on the edge of the hard chair and watched as he doctored the coffee to his taste.
“Damn swill,” he muttered after the first sip. “We can achieve transwarp beaming but military coffee is as bad as ever.”
She smiled dutifully at his joke and waited for him to speak.
“Can I help you with something, Doctor?” she finally prompted.
“We’re off duty, Nyota. No need for formality. I just wanted to talk with you about Jim.”
She blinked, startled. No one other than Christine had ever spoken with her about Jim in such a familiar manner.
“You want to talk with me about the captain?” she hedged.
“Now, I admit you’ve both been very discreet,” he acknowledged with a pointed look. “But even I can see that the two of you have been… ‘keeping company’ so to speak.”
She couldn’t hold back a smile at the old-fashioned turn of phrase and he grinned in response.
“Look.” He adopted a more serious expression. “I don’t like to pry into the personal lives of the crew, but you have to understand that the captain’s life is not entirely his own. There are a lot of people who take interest.”
She frowned. “I know he’s a bit of a media darling…”
McCoy snorted. “Oh, Lord. Those jackals! They do love our Jimmy. The hero’s son turned hero himself. How could they resist?”
“I think we’re pretty safe from them out here,” she pointed out.
“We are,” he agreed. “But that’s not what I was getting at.” He propped his arms on the desk and leaned toward her.
“A starship captain’s life is under more scrutiny than you know.”
“Are you warning me off, Leonard?” Her eyes narrowed dangerously.
“Simmer down and listen. More than any other member of a crew, Starfleet has a vested interest in their captains. Their health, their well-being - their state of mind - is of paramount importance.”
He leaned back in his chair.
“Something’s bothering Jim. So I asked you in here to see if you could shed any light on it what’s going on with him.” He held up his hands in a peaceful gesture. “That’s all.”
Chastened, she sat back.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. You know it’s my duty as the CMO of this ship to keep a close eye on him - but mostly my concern is as his friend.”
“I understand, Leonard. I shouldn’t have jumped down your throat,” she said sheepishly.
She blew out a breath and tried to relax.
“I’m not imagining it, am I?” McCoy asked. “Something is off with him. You see it too, don’t you?”
“Yes. He’s been acting…”
“Remote.”
“… distant.”
They spoke at the same time and nodded to one another in full agreement.
“It started with Ensign Delgado’s death,” she ventured.
He grunted in agreement.
“He’s been withdrawn ever since,” she admitted. “He was very…” She groped for the right word. “… distraught by the Federation’s decision to continue to move forward to welcome the K’arangans.”
“I know.” McCoy took a sip of his cooling coffee. “He sees it as a defeat.”
“I can’t help but wonder if what happened down there - his inability to save her and the fact that there were no repercussions…” Her voice trailed off for a moment as she gathered her thoughts.
“Maybe he sees this as the no-win situation he was always sure he could outflank. I’m afraid that it killed - or badly wounded some vital part of him.”
McCoy’s brow furrowed and he mulled over her words.
“I don’t know,” he frowned. “I think there’s more to it than that. He’s brooding but he’s not showing any outward displays of anger - and, let’s be honest. Jim has never been good at hiding his temper.”
He studied her over the rim of his cup.
“No.” He grimaced. “I get the feeling that there is something deeply personal about whatever is going on in his head right now. He’s pulling away from everyone who is close to him.”
He rubbed his hand over his jaw.
“I hate to ask but… have the two of you been arguing?”
Her head snapped back in kneejerk reaction.
“No!” she exclaimed quickly. Perhaps too quickly, she realized as she took note of McCoy’s knowing gaze.
But it was true, she thought. They had not been fighting. In fact, if she were to be completely honest, they had not been doing much of anything together. Though she was not comfortable confiding such intimate details with the doctor, the truth was that Jim had barely touched her in well over a week.
Gone were the small things she had begun to cherish. The absentminded winnowing of his fingers through her hair; the wicked humor which could tease a laugh from her on even the most trying of days. All lost to the battle going on inside him.
Whatever it was, he seemed determined to deal with it on his own. So, gone too were those moments of quiet confidences between them when he would share his concerns and frustrations with her.
As for sex, she thought with quiet frustration, he suddenly seemed uncommonly consumed by paperwork. He spent long hours each evening - longer than usual - sitting at the small desk in his quarters, face buried in his work until finally she gave up and bid him goodnight. Only when he thought she was asleep did he join her in the bed.
She caught him watching her at times with an expression so profoundly sad, it shook her to the core. And, fearing its cause, she had taken the cowardly route and pretended not to notice the difference in his behavior - afraid that acknowledging it would mean a death knell for their relationship.
And now here she sat while Leonard McCoy ripped the blindfold from her eyes and forced her to confront the truth. It seemed likely that whatever the cause of the captain’s current unhappiness - she was at the root of it.
Her stomach clenched as she noted the sympathetic look on the doctor’s face.
“Jim’s overdue for his physical,” McCoy said. “I’ll get him in here and drag whatever’s wrong outta him.
He reached across and laid a warm hand over hers.
“Nyota.” His fingers squeezed hers reassuringly. “Don’t worry too much. It’s gonna be alright.”
She nodded and forced a smile onto her face. But she thought of that ‘I love you’ whispered in the dark and couldn’t help but wonder how they had gotten from there to here in the blink of an eye.
TBC
A/N: I initially thought this would be part of the last chapter of this story but I carved it out because the chapter was simply growing too long. I have the bare bones of the next two or three scenes. Depending on how long they turn out will determine how many chapters remain. My guess is two.
I admit that I’m being plagued by a concept for a vignette (or series of vignettes) gen in nature, set immediately after ST:ID and it’s the jotting down of those ideas so I don’t forget them that is getting in the way of just writing the end to this one.
Rating: R (mature)
Characters/Pairing: Kirk/Uhura
Disclaimer: Characters and canon belong to Paramount, Roddenberry, Abrams and many others but not me. All rights reserved. No copyright infringement intended and no profit is made by the author.
Summary: One year prior, the Enterprise had shipped out for its first mission under the official command of James T. Kirk and the young captain had deemed it a day worthy of recognition.
Nyota awoke the next morning to an otherwise empty bed. Pointing her fingers and toes, she stretched luxuriously and reached a hand toward the other side of the mattress to find sheets which were cool to the touch. He had been awake for a while she surmised and listened closely for any sign that he was nearby. Dragging his pillow into her arms, she breathed in deeply, drawing his scent into her lungs.
He loved her.
Emotionally and physically exhausted by the long day, she had been drifting in that pleasant place between sleep and wakefulness but she had heard the words he whispered in the dark. Felt the power of them surge through her and had hugged them to her as possessively as he had clasped her in his arms.
She had wanted to say the words herself. The pulsing fear she felt as she had listened to his shouts from the planet’s surface and the acknowledgment of the danger in which they so often lived their lives had inspired her to give up the silly notion of waiting for him to admit his feelings first. She had thought she would tell him when she walked into his quarters last evening. But then she had been caught up in consoling him, and concern that he would misinterpret them as empty words of comfort or pity had caused her to hold the declaration back for another time.
Now, she could not wait to see him. To tell him of her own feelings. A wide smile spread over her face. Despite the horror of the previous day, she could not stop the happiness that flooded through her.
Eager to find him, she flung away the sheet and rose from the bed. She moved quickly through her morning ablutions. Grabbing a uniform from his closet, she tugged the red material over her head. Her hair - unruly from having slept with it still damp from the shower - was scraped back into a low bun at the nape of her neck.
“Computer,” she called around a mouthful of hairpins. “Locate Captain Kirk.”
“The captain is in the officers’ mess.”
Jamming the last pin into her hair, Nyota left his quarters
x x x x x
The mess was crowded with officers preparing for the morning shift. Sweeping her gaze over the room, she was surprised to find him at a small table tucked into a shadowy corner rather than at his usual center spot where he could easily interact with his staff.
He was hunched over a cup of coffee and even from where she stood she could see that the forbidding glower on his face had everyone maintaining a safe distance. Grabbing a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of herbal tea, Nyota crossed the room and set her tray down on his table.
Feeling suddenly shy, she offered a hesitant smile.
“Good morning.” She slipped into the other chair.
Cradling his cup between his hands, he glanced over at her. Fatigue was evident in the dark bruises smudging the fragile skin beneath his eyes and in the lines etched between his brows.
Staring into the clouded blue of his eyes, she tried to gauge his mood. Her fingers toyed nervously with a spoon and she felt the giddy happiness evaporate as suddenly the distance between them seemed to be a much greater expanse than the width of the table that separated them.
“Did you get any sleep?” she asked with tender concern.
He studied her in silence for a long - painfully long - moment and she was unable to decipher the emotions swirling in his eyes.
“I’m okay,” he finally said. “But I’m late.” Rising, he drained his cup in one long gulp.
His hand hovered over her shoulder for a second before he awkwardly snatched it back to his side.
“I’ll see you later.”
Stunned by his abrupt departure, she stared blindly down at the table and pushed away her tray. The sudden knot of tension taking up residence in her stomach left no room for an appetite.
x x x x x x
“Uhura. Do you have a minute?”
Nyota glanced up from her conversation with Christine to see McCoy gesturing to her from across the med bay.
“Of course.”
Curious, she followed him into his office.
“Close the door and have a seat.” He waved a hand toward the chair on the other side of his desk.
“You want something to drink?”
He fiddled with a small replicator and ordered up a cup of coffee for himself.
“No… thank you.” She perched on the edge of the hard chair and watched as he doctored the coffee to his taste.
“Damn swill,” he muttered after the first sip. “We can achieve transwarp beaming but military coffee is as bad as ever.”
She smiled dutifully at his joke and waited for him to speak.
“Can I help you with something, Doctor?” she finally prompted.
“We’re off duty, Nyota. No need for formality. I just wanted to talk with you about Jim.”
She blinked, startled. No one other than Christine had ever spoken with her about Jim in such a familiar manner.
“You want to talk with me about the captain?” she hedged.
“Now, I admit you’ve both been very discreet,” he acknowledged with a pointed look. “But even I can see that the two of you have been… ‘keeping company’ so to speak.”
She couldn’t hold back a smile at the old-fashioned turn of phrase and he grinned in response.
“Look.” He adopted a more serious expression. “I don’t like to pry into the personal lives of the crew, but you have to understand that the captain’s life is not entirely his own. There are a lot of people who take interest.”
She frowned. “I know he’s a bit of a media darling…”
McCoy snorted. “Oh, Lord. Those jackals! They do love our Jimmy. The hero’s son turned hero himself. How could they resist?”
“I think we’re pretty safe from them out here,” she pointed out.
“We are,” he agreed. “But that’s not what I was getting at.” He propped his arms on the desk and leaned toward her.
“A starship captain’s life is under more scrutiny than you know.”
“Are you warning me off, Leonard?” Her eyes narrowed dangerously.
“Simmer down and listen. More than any other member of a crew, Starfleet has a vested interest in their captains. Their health, their well-being - their state of mind - is of paramount importance.”
He leaned back in his chair.
“Something’s bothering Jim. So I asked you in here to see if you could shed any light on it what’s going on with him.” He held up his hands in a peaceful gesture. “That’s all.”
Chastened, she sat back.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. You know it’s my duty as the CMO of this ship to keep a close eye on him - but mostly my concern is as his friend.”
“I understand, Leonard. I shouldn’t have jumped down your throat,” she said sheepishly.
She blew out a breath and tried to relax.
“I’m not imagining it, am I?” McCoy asked. “Something is off with him. You see it too, don’t you?”
“Yes. He’s been acting…”
“Remote.”
“… distant.”
They spoke at the same time and nodded to one another in full agreement.
“It started with Ensign Delgado’s death,” she ventured.
He grunted in agreement.
“He’s been withdrawn ever since,” she admitted. “He was very…” She groped for the right word. “… distraught by the Federation’s decision to continue to move forward to welcome the K’arangans.”
“I know.” McCoy took a sip of his cooling coffee. “He sees it as a defeat.”
“I can’t help but wonder if what happened down there - his inability to save her and the fact that there were no repercussions…” Her voice trailed off for a moment as she gathered her thoughts.
“Maybe he sees this as the no-win situation he was always sure he could outflank. I’m afraid that it killed - or badly wounded some vital part of him.”
McCoy’s brow furrowed and he mulled over her words.
“I don’t know,” he frowned. “I think there’s more to it than that. He’s brooding but he’s not showing any outward displays of anger - and, let’s be honest. Jim has never been good at hiding his temper.”
He studied her over the rim of his cup.
“No.” He grimaced. “I get the feeling that there is something deeply personal about whatever is going on in his head right now. He’s pulling away from everyone who is close to him.”
He rubbed his hand over his jaw.
“I hate to ask but… have the two of you been arguing?”
Her head snapped back in kneejerk reaction.
“No!” she exclaimed quickly. Perhaps too quickly, she realized as she took note of McCoy’s knowing gaze.
But it was true, she thought. They had not been fighting. In fact, if she were to be completely honest, they had not been doing much of anything together. Though she was not comfortable confiding such intimate details with the doctor, the truth was that Jim had barely touched her in well over a week.
Gone were the small things she had begun to cherish. The absentminded winnowing of his fingers through her hair; the wicked humor which could tease a laugh from her on even the most trying of days. All lost to the battle going on inside him.
Whatever it was, he seemed determined to deal with it on his own. So, gone too were those moments of quiet confidences between them when he would share his concerns and frustrations with her.
As for sex, she thought with quiet frustration, he suddenly seemed uncommonly consumed by paperwork. He spent long hours each evening - longer than usual - sitting at the small desk in his quarters, face buried in his work until finally she gave up and bid him goodnight. Only when he thought she was asleep did he join her in the bed.
She caught him watching her at times with an expression so profoundly sad, it shook her to the core. And, fearing its cause, she had taken the cowardly route and pretended not to notice the difference in his behavior - afraid that acknowledging it would mean a death knell for their relationship.
And now here she sat while Leonard McCoy ripped the blindfold from her eyes and forced her to confront the truth. It seemed likely that whatever the cause of the captain’s current unhappiness - she was at the root of it.
Her stomach clenched as she noted the sympathetic look on the doctor’s face.
“Jim’s overdue for his physical,” McCoy said. “I’ll get him in here and drag whatever’s wrong outta him.
He reached across and laid a warm hand over hers.
“Nyota.” His fingers squeezed hers reassuringly. “Don’t worry too much. It’s gonna be alright.”
She nodded and forced a smile onto her face. But she thought of that ‘I love you’ whispered in the dark and couldn’t help but wonder how they had gotten from there to here in the blink of an eye.
TBC
A/N: I initially thought this would be part of the last chapter of this story but I carved it out because the chapter was simply growing too long. I have the bare bones of the next two or three scenes. Depending on how long they turn out will determine how many chapters remain. My guess is two.
I admit that I’m being plagued by a concept for a vignette (or series of vignettes) gen in nature, set immediately after ST:ID and it’s the jotting down of those ideas so I don’t forget them that is getting in the way of just writing the end to this one.