(no subject)
I had a bad dream that my mom died. It was more realistic than not, so I couldn't go back to sleep. So I decided to internet for a while. Yes, I just verbed a noun. And an adjective.
So, I've been living in California for a while now. The shiny luster of a new job is starting to fade. It's becoming monotonous and frusterating. Monotonous because my main job is to design systems and quote them, and frusterating because there is a lot I don't understand yet, but put the pressure on myself to be perfectly amazing. Also, it's a small business that is experiencing a lot of growing pains. Much of them I have the schooling and background to fix, but since I'm so new I feel really inhibited to get in there and shake things up. Fear of failure has too much control right now. I need to get over it if I want to suceed.
Then another big thing has been grinding on me lately. I'm 24 and in 2 weeks it will be my 4th wedding anniversary. We both have great jobs and live in a really nice, affordable place. So the Husband brought up the Kids thing again, this time more for-real. Not for, like, tomorrow. But in the next year or two. I am freaked out beyond belief. Well, that might be too dramatic of a statement, but in all reality I don't want to have kids yet. There's just too much I want to do yet. I want to party and get all of the "wild cravings" out. I still want to go out and get crunk-drunk and have a good time. I want to travel to Europe, Mexico, the Carribbean, Alaska, Japan. I want to be hot. You can't be hot when you have kids. Some moms pull it off, but I just don't think I'll ever be one of them. I can't even be hot as a young 20-something.
But, if we don't have kids in the near future we'll be older when we do have them. And one thing we both agree on is we want to be young enough to have fun when the kids are growing up. My parents had my siblings and me when they were young, but the Husband's were older. Nothing against the in-laws, but we see both the benefits and downsides to either story and we feel that younger will be a better fit for our goals in life.
But I'm not ready right now.
Everyone says to wait, especially those already blessed with motherhood. I guess I'm prejudiced to the misconceptions that parenting will weigh more heavily on mom than dad, and the majority of the sacrifices will be made from her rather than him. This is probably due to all of the family and parenting articles I read entitled "Get Him to Help You Out More on the House!" and "How to Balance Absolutely Everything in Life as a Working Mother". Plus, I have multiple sources that say working mothers end up being responsible for a majority of the housework and child care, despite the fact that both parents have full-time jobs.
Of course, the way Tim and I have stuff split up now we're pretty even. But it bothers me how our activities are still very gender-biased. I do most of the groceries and meals, and he takes care of the cars. I do laundry, he does bills and taxes. I vacuum, he fixes broken stuff around the house. He also does most of the research when we're thinking about a big purchase, such as a car or new furniture or a house. The way I see it, I do the little nagging everyday things and he does the big stuff that would cripple us if it weren't done right. So I suppose I can add "baby" to my to-do list.
Plus, when we have kids I imagine that we'll handle the excessive workload just fine. There will be an adjustment phase, like every new change, and we'll figure out how to handle it so everybody's happy.
I'm just pre-mourning my loss of baby-free freedom. But if so many other women can get away with it, I should be able to cope just fine.
Well, the sun is starting to rise. I feel better now getting that off of my chest. Sometimes a little rant helps. Well, on the to-do list for today I am to go on a long bike ride, meet some girls from work for lunch, then paint my bathroom! I'll probably fit some housework in there if I feel up to it. I'm kind of over the whole Martha-Stewart-perfect thing. I have a full-time job already, no need to add another in home care.
So, I've been living in California for a while now. The shiny luster of a new job is starting to fade. It's becoming monotonous and frusterating. Monotonous because my main job is to design systems and quote them, and frusterating because there is a lot I don't understand yet, but put the pressure on myself to be perfectly amazing. Also, it's a small business that is experiencing a lot of growing pains. Much of them I have the schooling and background to fix, but since I'm so new I feel really inhibited to get in there and shake things up. Fear of failure has too much control right now. I need to get over it if I want to suceed.
Then another big thing has been grinding on me lately. I'm 24 and in 2 weeks it will be my 4th wedding anniversary. We both have great jobs and live in a really nice, affordable place. So the Husband brought up the Kids thing again, this time more for-real. Not for, like, tomorrow. But in the next year or two. I am freaked out beyond belief. Well, that might be too dramatic of a statement, but in all reality I don't want to have kids yet. There's just too much I want to do yet. I want to party and get all of the "wild cravings" out. I still want to go out and get crunk-drunk and have a good time. I want to travel to Europe, Mexico, the Carribbean, Alaska, Japan. I want to be hot. You can't be hot when you have kids. Some moms pull it off, but I just don't think I'll ever be one of them. I can't even be hot as a young 20-something.
But, if we don't have kids in the near future we'll be older when we do have them. And one thing we both agree on is we want to be young enough to have fun when the kids are growing up. My parents had my siblings and me when they were young, but the Husband's were older. Nothing against the in-laws, but we see both the benefits and downsides to either story and we feel that younger will be a better fit for our goals in life.
But I'm not ready right now.
Everyone says to wait, especially those already blessed with motherhood. I guess I'm prejudiced to the misconceptions that parenting will weigh more heavily on mom than dad, and the majority of the sacrifices will be made from her rather than him. This is probably due to all of the family and parenting articles I read entitled "Get Him to Help You Out More on the House!" and "How to Balance Absolutely Everything in Life as a Working Mother". Plus, I have multiple sources that say working mothers end up being responsible for a majority of the housework and child care, despite the fact that both parents have full-time jobs.
Of course, the way Tim and I have stuff split up now we're pretty even. But it bothers me how our activities are still very gender-biased. I do most of the groceries and meals, and he takes care of the cars. I do laundry, he does bills and taxes. I vacuum, he fixes broken stuff around the house. He also does most of the research when we're thinking about a big purchase, such as a car or new furniture or a house. The way I see it, I do the little nagging everyday things and he does the big stuff that would cripple us if it weren't done right. So I suppose I can add "baby" to my to-do list.
Plus, when we have kids I imagine that we'll handle the excessive workload just fine. There will be an adjustment phase, like every new change, and we'll figure out how to handle it so everybody's happy.
I'm just pre-mourning my loss of baby-free freedom. But if so many other women can get away with it, I should be able to cope just fine.
Well, the sun is starting to rise. I feel better now getting that off of my chest. Sometimes a little rant helps. Well, on the to-do list for today I am to go on a long bike ride, meet some girls from work for lunch, then paint my bathroom! I'll probably fit some housework in there if I feel up to it. I'm kind of over the whole Martha-Stewart-perfect thing. I have a full-time job already, no need to add another in home care.