(no subject)
It's been almost two years since I've written in here. Something that I used to use almost daily, has become something I forgot even existed. I guess that's how it goes.
Being an adult is literally the worst. I work, work on the house, pay student loans, take care of dogs...repeat.
Things have been getting to me. I can't stop feeling like I'm missing something. I guess it's due to everyone around me having babies and doing things I dreamed of doing. I'm so far from what I thought I would be, it's not a bad thing. Ten years ago I imagined a much different life for me. Kids, large house, amazing writing career, adoring spouse. I may not have the kids, writing career or large house, but I do have an adoring soon to be spouse, a good career, and a house we call our own (in 5234552 more mortgage payments)
I have new dreams now. I want to own my own store. It's in the works now, and that scares the shit out of me. I'm so excited and nervous all at once it makes me want to puke in joy and terror. Small steps.
I've been engaged before, but not in the way that I wanted to be married to that person. I did it because I thought "who else could love me?", and you know how fucking silly it is to think at the age of 20 that there is no one out there for you? I never planned for that wedding, I didn't want it to happen, I didn't really love that person, or myself.
The moment I became engaged this time, I couldn't wait. Now as time approaches to the actual day, the feeling remains the same. I'm so happy. I'm marrying my best friend, and the most amazing person I have ever met. I didn't think it was possible for someone to be so loving, intelligent and trusting. The person that I used to be has faded into a memory, and I have him to thank for encouraging me to be who I always wanted.
I no longer depend on alcohol or substances to feel. I have ambition and drive. I want more. I love myself first and foremost. I don't depend on him to make me, me. I cannot wait to see what things will come from this.
Being an adult is literally the worst. I work, work on the house, pay student loans, take care of dogs...repeat.
Things have been getting to me. I can't stop feeling like I'm missing something. I guess it's due to everyone around me having babies and doing things I dreamed of doing. I'm so far from what I thought I would be, it's not a bad thing. Ten years ago I imagined a much different life for me. Kids, large house, amazing writing career, adoring spouse. I may not have the kids, writing career or large house, but I do have an adoring soon to be spouse, a good career, and a house we call our own (in 5234552 more mortgage payments)
I have new dreams now. I want to own my own store. It's in the works now, and that scares the shit out of me. I'm so excited and nervous all at once it makes me want to puke in joy and terror. Small steps.
I've been engaged before, but not in the way that I wanted to be married to that person. I did it because I thought "who else could love me?", and you know how fucking silly it is to think at the age of 20 that there is no one out there for you? I never planned for that wedding, I didn't want it to happen, I didn't really love that person, or myself.
The moment I became engaged this time, I couldn't wait. Now as time approaches to the actual day, the feeling remains the same. I'm so happy. I'm marrying my best friend, and the most amazing person I have ever met. I didn't think it was possible for someone to be so loving, intelligent and trusting. The person that I used to be has faded into a memory, and I have him to thank for encouraging me to be who I always wanted.
I no longer depend on alcohol or substances to feel. I have ambition and drive. I want more. I love myself first and foremost. I don't depend on him to make me, me. I cannot wait to see what things will come from this.