(no subject)
Perhaps this is my niche. Perhaps this is my role in life not to have friends per say but instead acquaintances of which I help and watch out for. If they have a problem I help them. Then they are off. Also with the new people in town I befriend them till they make a niche for themselves then leave them be... Maybe this is what I am supposed to do. Not have friends to talk to but to listen. I don’t belong anywhere in particular. None of my groups really accept me in to them, and in turn I don't want to necessarily be in them, with them. All my life I have had people that gossip to me, and it always starts out the same way. “Do you know Jane doe?” “Yes” “well do you like her?” “ For what I know of her yes?”
And after a while they just cock their head at me and say wow you just like everyone don’t you. Or something like Haley said the other day. You kind of just know and like every one. That’s cool, or something really close to that. I know something of everyone and I am close to no one.
Something that struck me funny the other day was Melanie coming up to me and saying that Kyle needed the paper I was copying from her. Then she randomly says he doesn’t like you very much. Why do people try to do that to me? I can honestly say I don’t care if he likes me or not. I don’t dislike him. I have never even spoken with him. I just want to know why she did that. Why she tries to bring me down. Why do girls always do that? If someone doesn’t like me and they haven’t given me a reason to dislike them other than there disliking me I will not not like them back. Why did she even tell me? That is one reason I never get close to any one also. I become friends with them and they make up nick names for me like “lardy” and Ugly and tell me how much everyone hates me behind my back, and that hurts coming from the only person at the time that you trust. That is the only time I may care. I wish people could just tell me to my face that they don’t like me. That they “Hate” me, but they cant do that because they are to worried about what I think of them though they hate me.
I was at a party tonight and I just sat there and watched people and a movie. Calling my brother to come pick me up fairly early, because though I get invited I am not accepted or just am not having fun because they think prank phone calling for 2 hours strait is fun. I don’t know. I am just ready for bed. I haven’t updated in a while, but here is the run down.
Now that my hope has been OBLETERATED forever having a slight chance with matt. I am starting to move on the only bad thing is he turned 18 3 days ago. I think I just choose guys I know I cant have. I have stopped eating again, and it is so stupid. I ate 2 pieces of pizza and like 20 chips and I thought to myself god I binged. What the hell 2 days ago I collapsed twice almost 3 times. I just cant eat every time I do I feel full and sick to my stomach like I am not digesting it or something. I’m kinda worried that I am starting to become one of those stupid anorexic girls who hate the way they look. Which I do; I just want to be pretty not for anyone else but just for myself, but no matter what I do something is wrong. Jacob is back in the house and I am back to being and insomniac. I don’t fall asleep till like 4 am and then wake at 6 for about a week now. I am going to try to go to sleep. I hope I feel better after sleeping in.
And after a while they just cock their head at me and say wow you just like everyone don’t you. Or something like Haley said the other day. You kind of just know and like every one. That’s cool, or something really close to that. I know something of everyone and I am close to no one.
Something that struck me funny the other day was Melanie coming up to me and saying that Kyle needed the paper I was copying from her. Then she randomly says he doesn’t like you very much. Why do people try to do that to me? I can honestly say I don’t care if he likes me or not. I don’t dislike him. I have never even spoken with him. I just want to know why she did that. Why she tries to bring me down. Why do girls always do that? If someone doesn’t like me and they haven’t given me a reason to dislike them other than there disliking me I will not not like them back. Why did she even tell me? That is one reason I never get close to any one also. I become friends with them and they make up nick names for me like “lardy” and Ugly and tell me how much everyone hates me behind my back, and that hurts coming from the only person at the time that you trust. That is the only time I may care. I wish people could just tell me to my face that they don’t like me. That they “Hate” me, but they cant do that because they are to worried about what I think of them though they hate me.
I was at a party tonight and I just sat there and watched people and a movie. Calling my brother to come pick me up fairly early, because though I get invited I am not accepted or just am not having fun because they think prank phone calling for 2 hours strait is fun. I don’t know. I am just ready for bed. I haven’t updated in a while, but here is the run down.
Now that my hope has been OBLETERATED forever having a slight chance with matt. I am starting to move on the only bad thing is he turned 18 3 days ago. I think I just choose guys I know I cant have. I have stopped eating again, and it is so stupid. I ate 2 pieces of pizza and like 20 chips and I thought to myself god I binged. What the hell 2 days ago I collapsed twice almost 3 times. I just cant eat every time I do I feel full and sick to my stomach like I am not digesting it or something. I’m kinda worried that I am starting to become one of those stupid anorexic girls who hate the way they look. Which I do; I just want to be pretty not for anyone else but just for myself, but no matter what I do something is wrong. Jacob is back in the house and I am back to being and insomniac. I don’t fall asleep till like 4 am and then wake at 6 for about a week now. I am going to try to go to sleep. I hope I feel better after sleeping in.