My Job
So today was another lovely day at Citi. I showed up 15 minutes late because I felt my soul was being crushed and didn't care. I also decided I'm going to see HR tomorrow about my boss. I can't explain why everything's turned into an office analogy for me lately, but my relationship w/ my boss is like Michael and Toby's. We have to make phone calls to people? Blame Emily. We have to do extra work at all? Blame Emily. Emily calls someone who has a "funny name" and puts a bit of effort into pronoucing it correctly? Make fun of her. Emily comments on a glitch in a new program's system? Tell her to get a life. Poke her if her shirt comes up at all when she's sitting in a chair for 10 hours straight, sit her right next to your desk to "keep an eye on" her, yell at her for talking to her coworker - even if she's getting work done, tell her you're hard on her because of her college degree, tell her you believe the president should be shot and very loudly and rudely suggest she go to Iraq to lay prayers over the bodies of dead soldiers because she's a pacifist, and blah blah blah. The list goes on forever. I've been dealing with her crap for over a year, now, and I'm done. I've tried everything -- every trick in the book. Being nice? She resents it. Being mean? She's nasty back. Being matter-of-fact? Nasty back. Polite? Nasty. Sharing personal details of your life in an attmpt to strike up some sort of twisted, uncomfortable friendship (as all the women on my team seem to have w/ her)? Doesn't work. Nothing works. And I'm fed up. The difference w/ that whole office analogy is that she treats me like Toby, but I'm going to react like Angela. Which is not good for her.
Anyway, the upside to work is that although it's soul crushing and make my heart cry, it can at times be incredibly hilarious. Take, for example, a call Shaye had from some messed up guy...
Shaye: Okay, and can I have your phone number, sir?
Guy: I don't know it.
Shaye: Excuse me?
Guy: Well, I don't know it numerically.
Shaye: ...what?...
Guy: I know it alphabetically.
Shaye: Excuse me?
Guy: yeah. It's MATS FIT.
Shaye: Um... MATS FIT?
Guy: yeah. M-A-T-S-F-I-T
Shaye: Uh.... okay....do you know your area code?
Guy: Yeah. 910.
Shaye: Okay... so... 910 MATS-FIT.
Guy: Yeah.
Shaye: And this is your home phone?
Guy: Yeah.
Shaye: Right.
I'd love to see him give his phone numbers to girls like that.
She also had a guy yeseterday who told her he was in the Secret Service and knew about security. Those are always amusing calls, especially when they show their stupidity eventually.
One of the best calls I had Friday was a guy I called on a courtesy matter. A woman had received his credit card in the mail at her address. She also believed she had received other mail from other credit cards for him at her address recently, as well. I advised her to destroy all the documents, but since it could be an account takeover/mail theft situation, I decided to contact the customer -- out of the goodness of my heart (and my quality because I'd probably get a miss if I hadn't called). Anyway, so I call this guy up, and he's getting really fishy w/ me. HE doesn't feel comfortable giving information about the account or verifying his address.
ME: Sir, did you recently update your address with us?
GUY: Uh... I don't know... I did with some cards... but... I didn't think I did with Sears...
ME: Well, Sir, what's your new address?
GUY: I don't have to tell you that.
ME: OKay, well...the reason I'm asking is someone received a credit card that was recently sent --
GUY: I didn't request a credit card!
ME: No, I know that. It was automatically sent.
GUY: Why would it be sent? I didn't need a new credit card!
ME: NO, sir, it was a new card to replace the old one. It had a new expiration date...?
GUY: Well, I don't know..
ME: Okay, well, sir, someone's getting your mail, and if you updated your address with us, we may have the wrong address. But we need to get that corrected as soon as possible and change the account number so it's secure and you receive your mail properly.
GUY: Well, I don't know my new address.
ME: (Pause) You don't know your new address.
GUY: LIsten, when I called you, I didn't think you'd need this information. You should have it there.
ME: Sir, I called you.
GUY: (long pause) I know that. (pause)
ME: Sir, if you don't feel comfortable providing me with your personal information, that's fine. You can call the number on the back of your card, and we can assist you that way.
GUY: Well... I don't know where my card is. I think I threw it out a while back. Can you give me that number?
ME: Sir... I don't understand why you would take a number from me as a valid Sears Customer Service number when you don't believe I am who I say I am. You're questioning whether or not I work for Sears, Sir.
GUY: (exasperated) Because I'll be calling instead of you calling me.
ME: Still...
GUY: (annoyed) I'm sure someone will identify themselves when I call.
ME: (dumbfounded) Um. Right. OKay, well, the number is (blah blah blah). And, Sir, I strongly recommend verifying that number in a directory of some sort before calling us.
GUY: Whatever. Bye.
Right. Brillance. Let's take the number from the "fraud" who's calling us and then provide our personal information to the person on the other end of that number. Man, Frauds have it so easy!
There are a million more examples like this. Like the people who tell us they'll let us know when their card is at risk (right) or people who literally cannot tell us any of the account information -- address, home phone, credit limit, last payment, when they opened the account, password -- sometimes not even the primary cardmember's ssn! -- but they want to argue with us, tell us we're being discriminatory, harrassing them, and us to believe they are who they say they are. "Who else would call in saying they're Joe Smith??" Um. A fraud. And if you knew anything, you'd know that. Please.
I spoke to a woman's lawyer last week. We had called her 5 days prior to verify a purchase. She had no answering machine (why do people insist on not having answering machines? or setting their answering machine to pick up on the 12th ring?). We sent a letter. 5 business days later, she hadn't received it (it takes 7-10 bd to receive a letter). She tried to use the card, we had suspended it, the restaurant was stupid and although they received a little message that said, "Refer cardholder to call bank at 1-800-335-1517," the they told her it was declined. Nice one. So she threw an all-out hissyfit on the phone, demanding our practices were illegal. I spoke to her lawyer, who informed me that she would be controlling the phone conversation now (um. No. you're being recorded, witch, I'm in control). I explained, in full detail, the cardholder agreement. The issuing bank reserves the right to suspend funds to the account if at any time they feel their funds may be jeopardized. Legally, I don't think we even need to inform the customer. But we do. Out of the goodness of our heart. And we not only called her, we called her less than 5 minutes after the transaction occured, which her lawyer (whom I had a sneaky suspicion was her daughter) believed was a bad business tactic because we should assume our customer made the previous purchase. Because that's what a security and fraud department in a bank does -- assumes everything is just peachy. Right. Of course, blah blah blah, I explain everything...and she's still going on. I'm pissed now because this lawyer, who, in my estimation, is one of the most short-sighted, empty-headed people I've spoken to in a while, is threatening to take all of citibank and sears to "her friends in the media." Not like that'd ever fly, but I just have to take her down a few pegs. In addition to throwing out the cardholder agreement thing, I provide her the number of our legal department, including "I'm sure they will be more than happy to explain how Citibank's practices and cardholder agreement are in fact in no way illegal." Then, realizing she has no leg to stand on, she pulls the pain and suffering bit. "So what kind of compensation are you going to give my client for her embarrassment?" My response? With every ounce of sweetness within me, I reply, "Nothing except my heartfelt and most sincere apology, which I've given tenfold. I am very sorry ms. what'sherface was embarrassed. That was not our intent, as I have explained. We were simply trying to protect her and our assets in case a fraud situation had occurred." Yeah, she didn't like that. Because, really -- Sears doesn't give prizes. Pain and suffering? What kind of compensation am I going to get for listening to you whine about a security feature for a freakin hour? NOthing. Except my base pay. Which isn't enough.
Stupid customers.
But I may be moving soon.
So.
Whatever.
Anyway, the upside to work is that although it's soul crushing and make my heart cry, it can at times be incredibly hilarious. Take, for example, a call Shaye had from some messed up guy...
Shaye: Okay, and can I have your phone number, sir?
Guy: I don't know it.
Shaye: Excuse me?
Guy: Well, I don't know it numerically.
Shaye: ...what?...
Guy: I know it alphabetically.
Shaye: Excuse me?
Guy: yeah. It's MATS FIT.
Shaye: Um... MATS FIT?
Guy: yeah. M-A-T-S-F-I-T
Shaye: Uh.... okay....do you know your area code?
Guy: Yeah. 910.
Shaye: Okay... so... 910 MATS-FIT.
Guy: Yeah.
Shaye: And this is your home phone?
Guy: Yeah.
Shaye: Right.
I'd love to see him give his phone numbers to girls like that.
She also had a guy yeseterday who told her he was in the Secret Service and knew about security. Those are always amusing calls, especially when they show their stupidity eventually.
One of the best calls I had Friday was a guy I called on a courtesy matter. A woman had received his credit card in the mail at her address. She also believed she had received other mail from other credit cards for him at her address recently, as well. I advised her to destroy all the documents, but since it could be an account takeover/mail theft situation, I decided to contact the customer -- out of the goodness of my heart (and my quality because I'd probably get a miss if I hadn't called). Anyway, so I call this guy up, and he's getting really fishy w/ me. HE doesn't feel comfortable giving information about the account or verifying his address.
ME: Sir, did you recently update your address with us?
GUY: Uh... I don't know... I did with some cards... but... I didn't think I did with Sears...
ME: Well, Sir, what's your new address?
GUY: I don't have to tell you that.
ME: OKay, well...the reason I'm asking is someone received a credit card that was recently sent --
GUY: I didn't request a credit card!
ME: No, I know that. It was automatically sent.
GUY: Why would it be sent? I didn't need a new credit card!
ME: NO, sir, it was a new card to replace the old one. It had a new expiration date...?
GUY: Well, I don't know..
ME: Okay, well, sir, someone's getting your mail, and if you updated your address with us, we may have the wrong address. But we need to get that corrected as soon as possible and change the account number so it's secure and you receive your mail properly.
GUY: Well, I don't know my new address.
ME: (Pause) You don't know your new address.
GUY: LIsten, when I called you, I didn't think you'd need this information. You should have it there.
ME: Sir, I called you.
GUY: (long pause) I know that. (pause)
ME: Sir, if you don't feel comfortable providing me with your personal information, that's fine. You can call the number on the back of your card, and we can assist you that way.
GUY: Well... I don't know where my card is. I think I threw it out a while back. Can you give me that number?
ME: Sir... I don't understand why you would take a number from me as a valid Sears Customer Service number when you don't believe I am who I say I am. You're questioning whether or not I work for Sears, Sir.
GUY: (exasperated) Because I'll be calling instead of you calling me.
ME: Still...
GUY: (annoyed) I'm sure someone will identify themselves when I call.
ME: (dumbfounded) Um. Right. OKay, well, the number is (blah blah blah). And, Sir, I strongly recommend verifying that number in a directory of some sort before calling us.
GUY: Whatever. Bye.
Right. Brillance. Let's take the number from the "fraud" who's calling us and then provide our personal information to the person on the other end of that number. Man, Frauds have it so easy!
There are a million more examples like this. Like the people who tell us they'll let us know when their card is at risk (right) or people who literally cannot tell us any of the account information -- address, home phone, credit limit, last payment, when they opened the account, password -- sometimes not even the primary cardmember's ssn! -- but they want to argue with us, tell us we're being discriminatory, harrassing them, and us to believe they are who they say they are. "Who else would call in saying they're Joe Smith??" Um. A fraud. And if you knew anything, you'd know that. Please.
I spoke to a woman's lawyer last week. We had called her 5 days prior to verify a purchase. She had no answering machine (why do people insist on not having answering machines? or setting their answering machine to pick up on the 12th ring?). We sent a letter. 5 business days later, she hadn't received it (it takes 7-10 bd to receive a letter). She tried to use the card, we had suspended it, the restaurant was stupid and although they received a little message that said, "Refer cardholder to call bank at 1-800-335-1517," the they told her it was declined. Nice one. So she threw an all-out hissyfit on the phone, demanding our practices were illegal. I spoke to her lawyer, who informed me that she would be controlling the phone conversation now (um. No. you're being recorded, witch, I'm in control). I explained, in full detail, the cardholder agreement. The issuing bank reserves the right to suspend funds to the account if at any time they feel their funds may be jeopardized. Legally, I don't think we even need to inform the customer. But we do. Out of the goodness of our heart. And we not only called her, we called her less than 5 minutes after the transaction occured, which her lawyer (whom I had a sneaky suspicion was her daughter) believed was a bad business tactic because we should assume our customer made the previous purchase. Because that's what a security and fraud department in a bank does -- assumes everything is just peachy. Right. Of course, blah blah blah, I explain everything...and she's still going on. I'm pissed now because this lawyer, who, in my estimation, is one of the most short-sighted, empty-headed people I've spoken to in a while, is threatening to take all of citibank and sears to "her friends in the media." Not like that'd ever fly, but I just have to take her down a few pegs. In addition to throwing out the cardholder agreement thing, I provide her the number of our legal department, including "I'm sure they will be more than happy to explain how Citibank's practices and cardholder agreement are in fact in no way illegal." Then, realizing she has no leg to stand on, she pulls the pain and suffering bit. "So what kind of compensation are you going to give my client for her embarrassment?" My response? With every ounce of sweetness within me, I reply, "Nothing except my heartfelt and most sincere apology, which I've given tenfold. I am very sorry ms. what'sherface was embarrassed. That was not our intent, as I have explained. We were simply trying to protect her and our assets in case a fraud situation had occurred." Yeah, she didn't like that. Because, really -- Sears doesn't give prizes. Pain and suffering? What kind of compensation am I going to get for listening to you whine about a security feature for a freakin hour? NOthing. Except my base pay. Which isn't enough.
Stupid customers.
But I may be moving soon.
So.
Whatever.