The Governess - Chapter 10/?
A/N: Sorry for the delay. I don’t have as much access to the internet at the moment.
Chapter 10
Autumn, 1814
The progression of Callie’s grief and recovery is certainly not a linear process. She has days when no one would know she has been through any heartache, days when she wants to be alone and close herself off to the world, and days when she fervently and futilely bargains with God to bring back her son. She has nights when she cries herself to sleep in the comforting arms of her tentative girlfriend and nights when she joyously kisses said girlfriend, and Arianna’s embrace becomes less comforting and more sensual, though they are trying to take their burgeoning relationship slowly.
The family walks on eggshells around her, and the mood in the estate is based solely on Callie’s. No one is ever sure whether it will be a good day or a bad day, but Arianna and the children relish and live for the good moments.
Luckily for everyone, today is a good day. Callie is whistling in the kitchen while she puts together what is sure to be a delicious meal full of new ingredients she found earlier in the market. Arianna is carefully critiquing the girls’ penmanship, while Henry plunks out notes on the piano, thinking himself quite the virtuoso.
Thinking today might be a good day to nag Callie about telling the children, Arianna slips into the kitchen and sidles up next to the humming brunette.
“Hello, pretty lady,” Arianna murmurs.
Callie smiles and dips her head down to kiss Arianna gently. “Why hello.”
Arianna wraps an arm around the taller woman’s waist and kisses her more soundly.
“Ari, the children could see.”
“Speaking of which, I was thinking now might be a good time to tell them?” She hates herself a bit for not having a more forceful tone, for not standing up to Callie, but after everything, she doesn’t want to push her.
“You don’t have to look so worried,” Callie chides gently. “I actually think now would be as good a time as any.”
“Excellent!” Arianna turns to walk back toward the parlor. Callie quickly wipes her hands on her apron, before grabbing Ari’s hand and walking with her into the adjacent room.
“Children,” Callie starts, “gather ‘round. We have something we’d like to speak to you about.”
They do as they are told, forming a semi-circle on the floor, while Callie and Arizona, hands still intertwined, sit on the settee. Sofia looks discerningly at their demeanor and proximity, but the younger two are naively oblivious.
“We have found that…we just…what we wanted to tell you…” Callie starts haltingly, realizing that she actually has absolutely no idea how to explain this to her children.
Arianna raises an eyebrow and looks somewhat amused, but decides to take over. “Do you remember how your mother and father would act sometimes around each other?” she asks.
“They kissed sometimes!” Charlotte replies, ever the romantic.
“And they fought,” Sofia adds unhelpfully.
“Right, well, let’s go back to the kissing. They kissed because they were in love,” Arianna explains, even though it pains her to think about Callie in love with someone else.
“And…and what Miss Robbins is trying to say is that sometimes she and I feel like kissing, because we really fancy each other, the way your father and I did.”
Henry giggles at the thought, and Charlotte sighs dreamily.
“That’s impossible,” Sofia retorts, her arms now folded across her chest defensively.
“Why’s that?” Callie asks.
“Because you are both women.”
“It’s unusual, yes, but not impossible,” Ari supplies. “There are women who fall in love with men and women who fall in love with other women.”
“So what, mother is a mélange of the two?” Sofia scoffs as haughtily as possible, using her the new French words Miss Robbins has taught her to sound extra precocious. There is something about her French that makes her sound as disgusted as she looks with the concept.
“In a way, yes,” Callie agrees with a smile.
Sofia scoffs again and sits back on her heels, crossing her arms once again.
“We thought it was important that you three know about us, but there are people out there who think it’s wrong - ”
“Because it is wrong,” Sofia interrupts under breath.
Arianna continues as if she doesn’t hear her. “But we know it’s right. So this is something we’d like to keep between the five of us.”
Henry and Charlotte nod, but Sofia immediately stands up and stalks off.
“Where are you going?” Callie calls.
“To pack my trunk! I’m going to live with Abuelo!”
Arianna makes a move to follow the insolent girl, but Callie puts a hand on her knee. “I need to do this.”
Once mother and daughter vacate the room, Charlotte and Henry crawl up onto the settee next to Ari.
“Do you love Mother?” Henry asks.
Arianna starts to answer in the negative, but then she suddenly realizes what that tugging feeling on her heart is, what the fluttering in her stomach is. It’s love.
“I do,” she answers, surprising herself.
“Were you in love before, like Mother was with Father?” Charlotte asks this time.
Ari shakes her head. “No, it’s hard for people like me to find…other people like me,” she says with a smile.
“What’s it feel like?” Charlotte asks, having now found her way onto Arianna’s lap.
“Love?”
“Mmhmm.”
“It’s…it’s unbelievable. It consumes you, and it makes you feel like you’re walking on air. And there’s this pull on your heart when she walks in the room.”
“I can hardly wait,” Charlotte says wistfully.
“What about you, Henry? Do you want to be in love?”
The four-year-old looks thoughtful for a moment, before screwing up his nose and furrowing his brow. He shakes his head furiously, eliciting barks of laughter from both Charlotte and Arianna. The blonde scruffs up his hair, before pulling both of them into a tight hug, relieved that in their accepting innocence, Charlotte and Henry are happy for her and their mother.
o0o0o
“Sofia, stop it!” Callie calls after her eldest daughter. “Stop it this instant!”
Sofia reluctantly stops and turns to her mother, unused to hearing such a strong tone.
“You are going to come sit with me, and you are going to listen.”
Wordlessly, Sofia follows her mother into the master bedroom and seats herself on the edge of the bed. Callie sits next to her. The two are silent for a moment while Callie figures out how best to word what she wants to say.
“What would you do,” Callie begins, “if they outlawed brown hair?”
Sofia rolls her eyes. “They obviously would never do that. I can’t help having brown hair!”
“Exactly. Just like people can’t help who they fall in love with. When you’re older, you’ll fall in love with someone and you won’t be able to stop it even if you know you should.”
“So, you’re in love with Miss Robbins, then?”
“I think…no, I know I am. I’m in love with Arianna,” Callie says, unable to stop the corners of her lips from tugging upwards at the realization.
When Sofia says nothing, Callie pushes on. “So what would you do? Would you shave off your hair to comply with the ridiculous law, or would you just hide it with a hat so that you won’t be punished?”
When Sofia touches her hair, Callie knows she picked the right metaphor; her little girl is nothing if not vain. “I suppose I’d wear a hat.” She may be young, but Sofia understands that she is not just talking about hair, but implying that she understands Callie and Arianna’s predicament.
“And that’s what we’re trying to do. Do you think you can accept who we are and what we’re doing?”
“I think I can try.”
o0o0o
“I miss Mark,” Callie says as she and Arianna prepare themselves for bed.
Frowning, Ari turns and replies, “I know it must be hard to be without your husband, but…”
“I miss him, too, but I meant Mark Jr. I know it seems strange to miss someone I never even knew, but he was a part of me.”
“I don’t think it’s strange, Calliope. I can’t begin to understand what you are going through. I am constantly in awe of your strength.”
Callie gives her a small smile. “I think he would have been impossibly masculine like his father, but sensitive like Henry. He probably would have begun to pick up your mannerisms.” Arianna nods and smiles, but lets Callie continue. “I think he would have grown up to be an honorable man like his namesakes.”
“I think so, too,” Arianna says, while slipping under the covers and patting the area next to her, gesturing for Callie to do the same. “And I think he would be strong, fiercely protective, and have the world’s largest heart, just like his mother.”
“You think those things about me?”
“Yes, Calliope, yes!” she says fervently. “In the past few months, you have stood up to your father, tragically lost your son, and opened your heart up to me.”
Callie winces when Arianna matter-of-factly points out the loss of her son. It has been getting easier every day and she’s begun to talk about him, but hearing the words so bluntly still causes her heart to tighten.
“You are truly the most incredible person I’ve ever met,” Arianna says honestly. “And I thank God every day for sending me away from the convent and into your home.”
“I thank Him for that, too,” Callie whispers. “I couldn’t have gone through this without you.”
“You could have. But I’m glad you didn’t have to.”
Callie leans into Arianna, comforted by her warmth and the sound of her gentle heartbeat. “Do you think that maybe tomorrow we could go to his grave?” Callie requests softly.
“Absolutely.”
The following morning, Arianna and Callie go alone to the area of the estate where Marcus Timothy Sloan is buried. Callie lays a lily on the raised patch of land, where grass has begun to grow unevenly. With her left hand firmly ensconced in Arianna’s, Callie crosses herself with her right, saying a short prayer for her deceased son.
“He would love you,” Callie says when she finishes her prayer. “And…and he’s not the only one.” She turns to face the blonde squarely, taking Arianna’s other hand in hers. “I love you as well,” she says, tears brimming in her eyes. Before Ari can answer, Callie slides her hands up Arianna’s arms and shoulders and cradles her face in her hands. She leans down to place a tender kiss on the shorter woman’s lips. When they pull apart, both women struggle to keep their tears at bay.
“I love you, too, Calliope.”