more stupid stuff
alright so kendalls boyfriend nick might be moving, so she's freaking out. and sh thinks he's going to break up with her. And they're being so cute i want to vomit. and now kayla might date nicks friend, which is good for her, but it leaves me high and dry. I dont blame her for jumping to the opportunity. I dont. It's just, i know sh's going to get close to him and kendall and nick will stay together, and then i'll be sitting there alone and they'll be off doing stuff with their boyfriends. Andi wont want to be a fifth whell and they really wont want me there. god it's so messed up. Andi know that none of us will be this close ever again. because next year erik is goign to be here. and kendall hates him. and if i get back together with him she wont talk to me. even though she says she will. i dont think so. god and they're both really happy. i cant let them know how i feel. I cant. but come next year this time, i doubt they'll even speak to me. and then i'll be alone. but arent i always? i mean its just how life goes right? and then of course erik will move back to key west and i'll be left even more alone than before. i swear i'm watching everything i care about slowly slip out of my hands. its hard to watch. its entirely too hard to watch.i can try and try and try to keep them close, but in the end they will leave. They'll leave with ethan and nick in tow. and i'll be left alone. Because lets face it, i'm not as close with my middle school friends as i used to be. Which breaks my heart, but i dont know how to fix it and keep kendall and kayla too. it's entirely too hard for me to figure out. i dont really think any of them want to be around me anyway wiht my toxic mood swings and eternal whining. i get how they wouldnt want to be around me. Hell ibarely want to be around me. i'm lonely. I'm very very very lonely. and i'm not as toxic as i was, i mean i'm tryign to get better at this whole "not letting things overwhelm me" thing. but it's going to take some time. sometimes i wonder if people see how upset i am but just ignore it so they wont have to deal with it. i dont blame them. I mean i try my hardest to make everyone i know feel better, all the time. i can barely keep up with everyone. and usually i'm able to help them. But some dont want help. And then i dont know what to do. I'm used to being relied on for everything. and when people dont rely on me, it scares me, so i try harder. and then i end up driving them away. But hwen i feel i really know someone, i let them see how toxic my thoughts really are. i let them in. and some ransack my brain and give me all these horrible thoughts that just make it worse. and some try to be soothing but cant. really i have no one to lean on. I mean some of the timei have lena, but i dont feel right only talking to her when i'm upset. and i have becca, but i feel like i'm relying on her too much. i see the future, and most likely, it's very empty.