I want to write, but i dont know what to write about
These are stroopwafels, and they are God's most beautiful creation. I practically weep when i eat them, because they are so good. And I just put two and two together, these are in holland, and haley is going to holland. So now i am so excited because i havent had them in years!!!!! I know it sounds dumb that i'd get that excited over cookies, but they are perfection.
Usually I look back on things and see them as bittersweet, but as i am going through them, i just focus on the bitter. I am trying so hard to just relax (that doesnt make sense) and take things as they come and enjoy every moment., without completely ignoring the future, or focusing too much on enjoying and taking in every single moment that i go crazy and dont actually enjoy anything, if that makes any sense at all.
I never deal with things. Its too overwhelming and painful and exhausting to take things on that I shove them inside, i would say push them aside, but that distances it too much from me, because it definitely tends to surface and it weaves itself into every thought and action. But I have been doing this most of my life and I have become SO incredibly good at it. But now that i am starting to realize (well, i may have realized it a while ago, but now i know i need to do something about it, actually i knew that too, i've just been putting it off/dreading it) that things need to be dealt with, i have NO freaking idea where to start. I dont know how to let my feelings out. I dont know how to feel them. It takes 'extreme' situations (movies, songs, etc, not just everyday things) for anything to happen, and even then when i start to feel anything I look down on myself adn the situation and tell myself how dumb and emotional it is. I was watching Mansfield Park and it was the big emotional climax and i just started bawling my eyes out, because the movie caused me to feel some kind of emotion that triggered me to admit to myself how much I had been hurting over a certain situation, something I didnt ever let myself think about. I wouldnt let myself admit that I was hurt by someone i loved so much because the situation was beyond my control. I wanted it to be at least partially my fault because then i would be able to lay some of the blame on myself which doesnt hurt as much.
I dig myself a hole, because when things do surface (against my will, trust me) i fall apart beause i have to feel every thing all at once. Its not exactly an easy conversation. "So Emily, whats really bothering you right now" I can either say the things that are on my mind (aka, they arent that big of a deal, beacuse they are on my mind and i havent hid them anywhere), or bawl my eyes out and become a huge mess and make everything awkward. I am exaggerating, but in general thats what it feels like.
I dont know. I've just been so frustrated (and I know the people that love me are especially frustrated) because i have absolutely no idea how to open up and deal with things. But maybe it something that just happens, now that i've recognized it.