(no subject)
My mom treats our dog like her son. only worse. sometimes i picture him back in roman times, lying on his back in a white, gold trimed robe, and my mom fanning him and feeding him grapes. but im probably just jealous. maybe ill make a visual for that.
and now heres the part where i get upset that i cant express myself. Ive been asking myself lately why it is that i love music so much. i can feel completely why i love it (although the feeling itself isnt complete, or something that can be complete, and least i dont think), when translating that into thought its becomes more difficult, putting it into words, granted i am the one feeling it, so there is a bias in my words, so i know more clearly what i am talking about, but it is still difficult, and then translating those words into complete words, words that stand on their own, that deliver on their own everything, or even a glimpse of what is felt. partly due to my lack of knowledge of all the words and definitions available to me, and due to the lack of words in the english language, anything i spit out (which feels more like throwing up) looks more like a regurgitated hairless cat hovering on the pavement, than the huge strong golden lion standing on a rocky cliff with wind blowing its mane, that is in my head. that was probably the dumbest metaphor ever, but it looks pretty funny in my imagination.
but this isnt something that just effects that one area, i pretty much let that control everything. mainly art and talking. All my life i have loved art and creating, to whatever extent, be it crafts and dolls made out of toilet paper rolls, or pastels or drawing or metals or ceramics or enameling or wahtever. but in the past few years i have grown away from that. i hate attempting something because it doesnt turn out how i see it in my head, and i absolutely hate that. maybe its a selffish thing, reaffirming to myself that i am not perfect, and i am not in control, i cant do something as simple as transfering something from my head into the world, while it might look good, i just get mad that its not exactly how i pictured it, and id rather not do it at all. although i dont know if thats necessarily exactly how i feel with speaking, or explaining myself, its somewhat similar. i dont get as mad with anything else as i do with art. speaking is just hard, besides the fact that i get nervous when i talk sometimes. and you only have so much time before the person you are tlaking to gets confused by your ramblings. but maybe sometimes i make more sense than i think i am. and i see through these realizations of my desire for perfection that it definitely affects how i see myself, and i dont know how 'bad' it is compared to other girls, but i dont think that matters. its a huge struggle in my life that i dont know how to overcome.
and now i feel like i am using whoever is reading this. or maybe i just like it better when people open up themselves so i can get to know them, without having to expose myself. its less painful.
and now heres the part where i get upset that i cant express myself. Ive been asking myself lately why it is that i love music so much. i can feel completely why i love it (although the feeling itself isnt complete, or something that can be complete, and least i dont think), when translating that into thought its becomes more difficult, putting it into words, granted i am the one feeling it, so there is a bias in my words, so i know more clearly what i am talking about, but it is still difficult, and then translating those words into complete words, words that stand on their own, that deliver on their own everything, or even a glimpse of what is felt. partly due to my lack of knowledge of all the words and definitions available to me, and due to the lack of words in the english language, anything i spit out (which feels more like throwing up) looks more like a regurgitated hairless cat hovering on the pavement, than the huge strong golden lion standing on a rocky cliff with wind blowing its mane, that is in my head. that was probably the dumbest metaphor ever, but it looks pretty funny in my imagination.
but this isnt something that just effects that one area, i pretty much let that control everything. mainly art and talking. All my life i have loved art and creating, to whatever extent, be it crafts and dolls made out of toilet paper rolls, or pastels or drawing or metals or ceramics or enameling or wahtever. but in the past few years i have grown away from that. i hate attempting something because it doesnt turn out how i see it in my head, and i absolutely hate that. maybe its a selffish thing, reaffirming to myself that i am not perfect, and i am not in control, i cant do something as simple as transfering something from my head into the world, while it might look good, i just get mad that its not exactly how i pictured it, and id rather not do it at all. although i dont know if thats necessarily exactly how i feel with speaking, or explaining myself, its somewhat similar. i dont get as mad with anything else as i do with art. speaking is just hard, besides the fact that i get nervous when i talk sometimes. and you only have so much time before the person you are tlaking to gets confused by your ramblings. but maybe sometimes i make more sense than i think i am. and i see through these realizations of my desire for perfection that it definitely affects how i see myself, and i dont know how 'bad' it is compared to other girls, but i dont think that matters. its a huge struggle in my life that i dont know how to overcome.
and now i feel like i am using whoever is reading this. or maybe i just like it better when people open up themselves so i can get to know them, without having to expose myself. its less painful.