Sadness
Tonight has been very hard. I've been dealing with a lot of my own anxiety issues and I've really been trying to keep them under control. Tonight started off okay...my step-brother from MN flew in tonight and Alex and I had our portraits done at a kick ass studio. We got back to my dad's and then came my sadness and anxiety. I tried to breathe but latley I have had to turn to my anxiety medicine because at this point, I have way too much too loose if I fuck up and can't get it under control with simple meditation. So I was calming down and dealing like a "sane" person would but then my 11 year old brother had a freak out. The thing that really gets me is that I know how he is feeling more than anyone else around because I have been there and I've been there hard. It reminded me a lot of CSF in the sense that when I was going through the shit, I wanted comfort but truthfully there wasn't much that could do that. It seemed pretty hopless.
Even now, I have no idea how to take away the complete despair that comes with the outbursts. What is killing me now is that I KNOW WHERE MY BROTHER IS AT, I KNOW HOW HE IS FEELING and there is NOT a fucking thing I can do about it. I can't do anything to take away the pain - the pain is unknown. It's not a situational thing. Situations can be dealt with, unknown and unreasonable feelings are quite different. I can't just say fuck off and walk away because I know damn well that doesn't help the situation but at the same time, I cannot hold him and tell him it will be okay. I have to just be there and by that I guess I mean I just simply have to watch it go down.
I've thought in my past that I never want to have my own children because I could not fathom the idea of them feeling the way I've felt, I can't know that there is someone I love so much but there isn't a damn thing I can do for them. I truley feel for him, I feel for anyone who is so lost that they can't even find themselves - but FUCK! he is 11 years old! I was his age the first time I was hospitalized and that thought frightens me beyond words. It all frightens me. I can't really explain anymore...it's something that I can only think and I can only pray for him, for all the others, and for once in my life - myself that we may someday find a balance. A balance that prevents us from feeling like the world we know is ending for apparently no reason. I'm doing so much better these days but I get scarred too because it could all happen again and I may not even see it coming. That is more frightning than my worst of nightmares. I love him and if I could take away his pain and give it to myself, I would, but the fact that I cannot is something I have to just accept along with many other things in life.
JUST ACCEPT. TIME WILL TELL, TIME MAY DESTROY, TIME MAY HEAL.
I actually do have a lot of good news (like I went on a few dates and I think I'm hitting it off with him!) but right now I think it's time to reflect and with reflection comes chocolate cookies so I will share the happiness in another entry. I also hope that no body took this entry the wrong way...I see a lot more things from more than one side these days and that's why I shared this - that's why this hurts.
I feel for you all and I hope that many blessing (from whichever source you believe in) come your way. Much love and bright days to you all!
As Always, Emma
Even now, I have no idea how to take away the complete despair that comes with the outbursts. What is killing me now is that I KNOW WHERE MY BROTHER IS AT, I KNOW HOW HE IS FEELING and there is NOT a fucking thing I can do about it. I can't do anything to take away the pain - the pain is unknown. It's not a situational thing. Situations can be dealt with, unknown and unreasonable feelings are quite different. I can't just say fuck off and walk away because I know damn well that doesn't help the situation but at the same time, I cannot hold him and tell him it will be okay. I have to just be there and by that I guess I mean I just simply have to watch it go down.
I've thought in my past that I never want to have my own children because I could not fathom the idea of them feeling the way I've felt, I can't know that there is someone I love so much but there isn't a damn thing I can do for them. I truley feel for him, I feel for anyone who is so lost that they can't even find themselves - but FUCK! he is 11 years old! I was his age the first time I was hospitalized and that thought frightens me beyond words. It all frightens me. I can't really explain anymore...it's something that I can only think and I can only pray for him, for all the others, and for once in my life - myself that we may someday find a balance. A balance that prevents us from feeling like the world we know is ending for apparently no reason. I'm doing so much better these days but I get scarred too because it could all happen again and I may not even see it coming. That is more frightning than my worst of nightmares. I love him and if I could take away his pain and give it to myself, I would, but the fact that I cannot is something I have to just accept along with many other things in life.
JUST ACCEPT. TIME WILL TELL, TIME MAY DESTROY, TIME MAY HEAL.
I actually do have a lot of good news (like I went on a few dates and I think I'm hitting it off with him!) but right now I think it's time to reflect and with reflection comes chocolate cookies so I will share the happiness in another entry. I also hope that no body took this entry the wrong way...I see a lot more things from more than one side these days and that's why I shared this - that's why this hurts.
I feel for you all and I hope that many blessing (from whichever source you believe in) come your way. Much love and bright days to you all!
As Always, Emma