Fucking screwed...
well, i'm home not doing anything in particular. umm yeah tomorrow i have this thing due for Mr.Lee's English class that i should probably do or else i'm probably going to fail horribly. so yeah thats what i'm going to go do in a bit. anywho. i've been thinking. i can't fucking wait to have this fucking year end, shit so much has happened. Recap: met my new Best Friend (Natalia Nowicki) opened myself to do new things (smoke pot) met other pretty craptacular people in all grades, went totaly head over heals for one guy (Rodney Hanifen) then i just fell in love with another (michael sleath), got drums, failed some shit for a while, to tell you the very truth, i never thought i'd do half the shit i'm naming right now... pretty fucking funny. i read something from someone's lj, and i completly fell in love with it, i'm only going to quote a line "even though i know your not really real, i hope you know i hate you just the same." and thats the way i feel about some people that i have been in school with, and specially Baddah. He was always there for me when i needed someone to talk to, he never left my side, not even for a second, and then one day when i least expected it he was gone. i don't know why he left, i just can't understand, how can he just abandon me just like that after so many years of waking up with the knowledge that he was going to be there that day i now have to wake up knowing that he won't...i don't know how i've managed to live without him.
i wonder what Baddan would of said about my failed subjects, or my pot smoking, or anything thats happened to me during this year. "if you were a person i'd pretend to hate you and say that not having you in my life didn't phase me. I'd say I was better off without you and insult you with empty words. But you're not real. you're something I hoped for, a promise that I trusted. I'm not sure exactly when I stopped hoping but this feeling seems to be the result of giving up and even though you were never real I hope you know that I hate you just the same." (written by daniela)
what makes matters worse, i can't find myself to really be devoted to my music, yes i'm a musician. i play the piano and write music often, but now i find that not even that satisfies me anymore. its like not writing or playing or even talking about my problems can help me now. i've become so over whelmed with everything that i can't keep up anymore, i'm always tired, no matter how much i sleep or how much pot i smoke i can't forget.
to tell you the truth i don't know why i ever liked mike, you know he's a nice guy, why am i going to say shit that isn't true, he's a really nice guy at first. Then, as soon as he finds out someone else is fond of him he'll just not talk to me and just forget that he ever had even a friendly relationship with me. it bugs me how he could just not care. even his friends say how self involved he is sometimes and how he likes attention. not all the time but most. i don't know if i ever made an impact on his life at all, but he sure did on mine. after all the fights that he claims i start i still can't find myself comming to school and him not being there in the morning, after all he's the only reason i show up early. sad i know. i'm a big loser.
on another note, to all thos stupid people that feel they should comment on other people's lj just to talk shit about them youre gay and you desperately need to grow some balls pronto!!
well that is all later people... emma...
i wonder what Baddan would of said about my failed subjects, or my pot smoking, or anything thats happened to me during this year. "if you were a person i'd pretend to hate you and say that not having you in my life didn't phase me. I'd say I was better off without you and insult you with empty words. But you're not real. you're something I hoped for, a promise that I trusted. I'm not sure exactly when I stopped hoping but this feeling seems to be the result of giving up and even though you were never real I hope you know that I hate you just the same." (written by daniela)
what makes matters worse, i can't find myself to really be devoted to my music, yes i'm a musician. i play the piano and write music often, but now i find that not even that satisfies me anymore. its like not writing or playing or even talking about my problems can help me now. i've become so over whelmed with everything that i can't keep up anymore, i'm always tired, no matter how much i sleep or how much pot i smoke i can't forget.
to tell you the truth i don't know why i ever liked mike, you know he's a nice guy, why am i going to say shit that isn't true, he's a really nice guy at first. Then, as soon as he finds out someone else is fond of him he'll just not talk to me and just forget that he ever had even a friendly relationship with me. it bugs me how he could just not care. even his friends say how self involved he is sometimes and how he likes attention. not all the time but most. i don't know if i ever made an impact on his life at all, but he sure did on mine. after all the fights that he claims i start i still can't find myself comming to school and him not being there in the morning, after all he's the only reason i show up early. sad i know. i'm a big loser.
on another note, to all thos stupid people that feel they should comment on other people's lj just to talk shit about them youre gay and you desperately need to grow some balls pronto!!
well that is all later people... emma...