Second thoughts?
I did a bad thing yesterday. I looked into the grad programs in performance at UMD and Peabody. Then I practiced for 3 hours instead of doing my school work.
I am so conflicted right now, is what it comes down to. I think that management is interesting and I find new things about it every day that are fascinating. This degree will enable me to have a financial stable life and a decent lifestyle. But what it comes down to is that I miss playing SO MUCH. I never thought that I would miss it as much as I do. By the end of Mason, I was so burnt out and sick of it that I was glad to be moving on. Now I just miss it. I can't listen to orchestral recordings or watch other people perform because I just get depressed. I want it, but it seems like I just can't do it. I am not willing to sacrifice enough. It really sucks.
Getting a degree in performance when I am finished here is definitely a thought I have right now. Shoot, I would even do it right now (like take 1 class a semester or something) if a) I could afford it and b) if I got in at Peabody or UMD. Teaching is fun, but it just does not cut it. Chamber group just doesn't cut it either.
I even considered (VERY briefly) joining the military just so I can play AND make a living. But military stuff is mostly band and that is not what I want. I want orchestra. I have searched openings/auditions for all of the orchestras around but none of them have anything coming up. I need to keep playing. I would consider lessons but I don't think I can afford Judy and don't really want to drive to Leesburg.
Being conflicted sucks.
I thought that doing this would resolve all of my anxieties about the future and what I should do in order to not starve and be homeless. It hasn't, really, although I am confident that I can do this and I can get a job (a REAL job) when I am finished. What I didn't count on was this longing to play. With professionals. As a professional. I really thought at the end of my senior year that I had lost my love for playing. And I doubted myself. I guess I still doubt myself, but I am trying to see the good that I do have. I think I am a good flute player. Even might dare to say better than good sometimes. I just need to apply myself to it.
Can you be dual enrolled in 2 different colleges for 2 different programs? Anybody know? Probably not from a financial aid standpoint....
In other news, my brother won an ebay auction for this board game from our childhood called "Forbidden Bridge". It was an awesome game. They don't make it anymore and this was THE only one that we could find on the internet. He ended up bidding something close to $30 for it. LoL. But I look forward to playing it again.
Also, I have decided that I look rather cute today. I was going to take a picture of myself before I left and post, but as usual I was running late and had no such time for that. Maybe I will make Jen take a pic of me when I get home even though I will be rumpled and she will probably roll her eyes and call me crazy. It is a rare occassission for me to feel cute, and I want to remember this.
I had a meeting with my prof. today for Survey of Arts Management and it actually went rather well. Maybe I'll make use of office hours more often. We talked about my ideal organization project. I've decided that my ideal org would be called Young Performing Artists SOLO Institute. Basically a place where you can come and get lessons and work with a qualified accompanist, then perform solo works in a venue where you won't have a to pay an arm and a leg. I personally wish that I had such a venue right now. To do a recital here I would have to sign up for a recital, which is 4 credits, which = $3600. Can't quite afford to do that. Anyhow, I actually having fun with creating this organization, which is good considering I was dreading the whole prospect.
Anybody know any good competitions coming up? Like concerto compeitions or stuff like that? Let me know, now that I am out of the performing loop.
Also, anybody going to be in town for the Mummer's Parade? It is on October 29. My parents are abandoning me to go driving down skyline drive in the 'vette (only 2 seats in that thing, so obviously I am not invited) and Matt has a gig. I really would like to go but I don't want to go by myself.
5 year anniversary in 2 days. That is just crazy.
Also only 2 days until girls' night out with Krystal and Steph. Can't wait!
Alright, some last minute reading now before class.
I am so conflicted right now, is what it comes down to. I think that management is interesting and I find new things about it every day that are fascinating. This degree will enable me to have a financial stable life and a decent lifestyle. But what it comes down to is that I miss playing SO MUCH. I never thought that I would miss it as much as I do. By the end of Mason, I was so burnt out and sick of it that I was glad to be moving on. Now I just miss it. I can't listen to orchestral recordings or watch other people perform because I just get depressed. I want it, but it seems like I just can't do it. I am not willing to sacrifice enough. It really sucks.
Getting a degree in performance when I am finished here is definitely a thought I have right now. Shoot, I would even do it right now (like take 1 class a semester or something) if a) I could afford it and b) if I got in at Peabody or UMD. Teaching is fun, but it just does not cut it. Chamber group just doesn't cut it either.
I even considered (VERY briefly) joining the military just so I can play AND make a living. But military stuff is mostly band and that is not what I want. I want orchestra. I have searched openings/auditions for all of the orchestras around but none of them have anything coming up. I need to keep playing. I would consider lessons but I don't think I can afford Judy and don't really want to drive to Leesburg.
Being conflicted sucks.
I thought that doing this would resolve all of my anxieties about the future and what I should do in order to not starve and be homeless. It hasn't, really, although I am confident that I can do this and I can get a job (a REAL job) when I am finished. What I didn't count on was this longing to play. With professionals. As a professional. I really thought at the end of my senior year that I had lost my love for playing. And I doubted myself. I guess I still doubt myself, but I am trying to see the good that I do have. I think I am a good flute player. Even might dare to say better than good sometimes. I just need to apply myself to it.
Can you be dual enrolled in 2 different colleges for 2 different programs? Anybody know? Probably not from a financial aid standpoint....
In other news, my brother won an ebay auction for this board game from our childhood called "Forbidden Bridge". It was an awesome game. They don't make it anymore and this was THE only one that we could find on the internet. He ended up bidding something close to $30 for it. LoL. But I look forward to playing it again.
Also, I have decided that I look rather cute today. I was going to take a picture of myself before I left and post, but as usual I was running late and had no such time for that. Maybe I will make Jen take a pic of me when I get home even though I will be rumpled and she will probably roll her eyes and call me crazy. It is a rare occassission for me to feel cute, and I want to remember this.
I had a meeting with my prof. today for Survey of Arts Management and it actually went rather well. Maybe I'll make use of office hours more often. We talked about my ideal organization project. I've decided that my ideal org would be called Young Performing Artists SOLO Institute. Basically a place where you can come and get lessons and work with a qualified accompanist, then perform solo works in a venue where you won't have a to pay an arm and a leg. I personally wish that I had such a venue right now. To do a recital here I would have to sign up for a recital, which is 4 credits, which = $3600. Can't quite afford to do that. Anyhow, I actually having fun with creating this organization, which is good considering I was dreading the whole prospect.
Anybody know any good competitions coming up? Like concerto compeitions or stuff like that? Let me know, now that I am out of the performing loop.
Also, anybody going to be in town for the Mummer's Parade? It is on October 29. My parents are abandoning me to go driving down skyline drive in the 'vette (only 2 seats in that thing, so obviously I am not invited) and Matt has a gig. I really would like to go but I don't want to go by myself.
5 year anniversary in 2 days. That is just crazy.
Also only 2 days until girls' night out with Krystal and Steph. Can't wait!
Alright, some last minute reading now before class.