Feeling better
Well, happy to report that I haven't gotten a migraine for the past 2 days. Well... I haven't gotten one yet today. Yesterday I woke up in the morning at 7:15 and just decided that I wasn't going to go to Strathmore. Part of me was just lazy, the other part of me said that part of the reason that I've been getting migraines could very well be lack of sleep. So I got up long enough to write an email to the director saying that I wouldn't be there, then went back to bed. I slept until 11. I felt much better when I woke up and did not get a migraine or even a hint of a headache all day. Same for today. Let's just hope that the trend continues.
So lately I've been feeling kinda lost. Here I am at grad school and I just wasn't adjusting well. I don't remember college being that difficult of an adjustment. The homesickness thing sucked for a while, but as far as classwork went I was fine. But now sometimes I sit in class and just listen to other people talk and wonder how in the hell I even got into grad school. Sometimes it doesn't seem like I am nearly "smart" enough to be doing what I am doing. The projects that we have to do for our one class quite frankly scare the bejesus out of me. Other people are excited and looking forward to it. I am like "eeep!". I dunno... in many ways I can't even put to words how lost I've felt for the past month. I do the reading, go to class, but don't say much. I am not inspired by or enjoying the classes. Well, I lie. I am "getting it" more than I did a week ago.
I am also missing playing a lot more than I thought that I would. I hate listening to orchestra music at the moment because it just makes me miss it. I miss playing in a big, semi-decent orchestra (and yes, I am referring to the GMU orchestra here). I wish that I could play more - that I had time to play more. Teaching isn't the same. I get enjoyment out of it, but not the same. I long to be IN that orchestra, playing in it, producing the music. Maybe I should just go get my master's in performance is what I think sometimes. I don't know. See? I am confused.
I also think about all of these opportunities for conferences, internships, etc. that are offered that I either can't afford to take advantage of or just choose not to take advantage of. My homebody-ness is leading me to want to just stay put, to not go far away from my family and close friends, and just find something to do here. But there are things like conferences in Texas, a fellowship that sends you to 3 different major orchestras around the country to intern at each for a full year, etc. Am I letting my ties to family and friends get in the way of my success? I hope not. I don't want to be solely career driven. But in this field, is that what is necessary in order to be successful? I don't know yet. I hope not. I want to stay in this area. I want to be able to visit my parents and Matt's family easily. Is that so awful? Sometimes I think that it is...
I have started to feel a bit better about my understanding and grasp of the field, though. I am reading the Arts Journal every day ( or every other day ) and starting to learn more about what is going on around the country in music in particular. I read a review for a book on Arts Journal that has sparked an interest that I think might be able to grow into my thesis. And it actually does INTEREST me. It is not just something that would work. Maybe I am getting frustrated because so much of my other classes does not deal with my discipline. I don't want to work in the visual arts or dance or theater. (well, possibly theatre). I want to work in orchestral management.
Then again sometimes I think "Wow, I so do not know enough about classical music." I know general stuff but not specific. I don't listen enough. I am not aware enough of the current environment. One of our projects for Creative Theories and Criticism is to do a presenation on an artist in your field who is making advancements in the field. I can't think of any classical artist who is really making advancements. I have NO idea who to do this project on. I was at such a loss. I still am, but am hoping that now that I reading more in Arts Journal and hopefully soon the Washington or New York Post, that I can get back into the current situation. I think that this kind of thing is highly overlooked in the undergrad. Shouldn't you know about what is currently happening in your field? Sure I had music history, but only about 2% was on what is currently happening in classical music and I betcha I can't even remember. And I loved music history and paid a lot of attention in that class. Yet I am still clueless. Is this my fault for not just being on top of things? I am not sure.
Anyways, I am tired of thinking about my state of confusion. I have kind of put it on the back burner and try not to think about it and just keep on going.
My parents' new house... I love it. I hope that someday I can actually own a house like that. The high ceilings on the first level make it feel so huge - especially the cathedral ceiling in the great room, which is my favorite room. The fireplace is beautiful and the furniture all looks great in it. The kitchen is also awesome, mainly because of its awesome appliances and the beautiful cabinets. I don't dig the counter tops that my mother picked out, but I am getting used to them. On Sunday night I did not want to leave. It is just so comfortable and nice and... I dunno. GREAT. I didn't leave until Monday morning and I can't wait to go back. I wish that I could just chill in Hagerstown for a while and not have to do this whole school thing right now. I used to like school and now it is just BLAH.
Did I mention that my mother got a promotion? I think that I should've been a nurse...
In other news, I don't know how much good it will do now that it is getting late, but tonight is Dine for American night, when restaurants all across the country are donating $$ to Katrina relief. www.dineforamerica.org is the website that has a listing of the participating restaurants. It is pretty cool and since I am too poor to donate in any other way, Jen and I are going to out tonight. So if you can, go out and eat tonight. Then of course be home in time to watch "Lost". :-)
I am really looking foward to this weekend. We have Monday and Tuesday off for fall break, but Matt doesn't, so he is coming on Saturday and Sunday. We spent last weekend together, but never really had any alone time since we were at the new house with Mom, Dad, and Jere. This weekend we are going to have the whole place to ourselves (Jen and the dog are going to Charlottesville). I think we are going to go to the zoo on Saturday and then just do NOTHING at all on Sunday. Monday and Tuesday I am going to do work work work for school. I promise. Then the weekend after that is Matt and I's 5 year anniversary! I have to go get his present, which he is going to absolutely love. I am very excited about giving it to him.
I think I feel better now. I am not really sure. I can't really put into words how I've been feeling about this whole grad school nonsense lately. I am telling you, quarter life crisis.
*sigh*
So lately I've been feeling kinda lost. Here I am at grad school and I just wasn't adjusting well. I don't remember college being that difficult of an adjustment. The homesickness thing sucked for a while, but as far as classwork went I was fine. But now sometimes I sit in class and just listen to other people talk and wonder how in the hell I even got into grad school. Sometimes it doesn't seem like I am nearly "smart" enough to be doing what I am doing. The projects that we have to do for our one class quite frankly scare the bejesus out of me. Other people are excited and looking forward to it. I am like "eeep!". I dunno... in many ways I can't even put to words how lost I've felt for the past month. I do the reading, go to class, but don't say much. I am not inspired by or enjoying the classes. Well, I lie. I am "getting it" more than I did a week ago.
I am also missing playing a lot more than I thought that I would. I hate listening to orchestra music at the moment because it just makes me miss it. I miss playing in a big, semi-decent orchestra (and yes, I am referring to the GMU orchestra here). I wish that I could play more - that I had time to play more. Teaching isn't the same. I get enjoyment out of it, but not the same. I long to be IN that orchestra, playing in it, producing the music. Maybe I should just go get my master's in performance is what I think sometimes. I don't know. See? I am confused.
I also think about all of these opportunities for conferences, internships, etc. that are offered that I either can't afford to take advantage of or just choose not to take advantage of. My homebody-ness is leading me to want to just stay put, to not go far away from my family and close friends, and just find something to do here. But there are things like conferences in Texas, a fellowship that sends you to 3 different major orchestras around the country to intern at each for a full year, etc. Am I letting my ties to family and friends get in the way of my success? I hope not. I don't want to be solely career driven. But in this field, is that what is necessary in order to be successful? I don't know yet. I hope not. I want to stay in this area. I want to be able to visit my parents and Matt's family easily. Is that so awful? Sometimes I think that it is...
I have started to feel a bit better about my understanding and grasp of the field, though. I am reading the Arts Journal every day ( or every other day ) and starting to learn more about what is going on around the country in music in particular. I read a review for a book on Arts Journal that has sparked an interest that I think might be able to grow into my thesis. And it actually does INTEREST me. It is not just something that would work. Maybe I am getting frustrated because so much of my other classes does not deal with my discipline. I don't want to work in the visual arts or dance or theater. (well, possibly theatre). I want to work in orchestral management.
Then again sometimes I think "Wow, I so do not know enough about classical music." I know general stuff but not specific. I don't listen enough. I am not aware enough of the current environment. One of our projects for Creative Theories and Criticism is to do a presenation on an artist in your field who is making advancements in the field. I can't think of any classical artist who is really making advancements. I have NO idea who to do this project on. I was at such a loss. I still am, but am hoping that now that I reading more in Arts Journal and hopefully soon the Washington or New York Post, that I can get back into the current situation. I think that this kind of thing is highly overlooked in the undergrad. Shouldn't you know about what is currently happening in your field? Sure I had music history, but only about 2% was on what is currently happening in classical music and I betcha I can't even remember. And I loved music history and paid a lot of attention in that class. Yet I am still clueless. Is this my fault for not just being on top of things? I am not sure.
Anyways, I am tired of thinking about my state of confusion. I have kind of put it on the back burner and try not to think about it and just keep on going.
My parents' new house... I love it. I hope that someday I can actually own a house like that. The high ceilings on the first level make it feel so huge - especially the cathedral ceiling in the great room, which is my favorite room. The fireplace is beautiful and the furniture all looks great in it. The kitchen is also awesome, mainly because of its awesome appliances and the beautiful cabinets. I don't dig the counter tops that my mother picked out, but I am getting used to them. On Sunday night I did not want to leave. It is just so comfortable and nice and... I dunno. GREAT. I didn't leave until Monday morning and I can't wait to go back. I wish that I could just chill in Hagerstown for a while and not have to do this whole school thing right now. I used to like school and now it is just BLAH.
Did I mention that my mother got a promotion? I think that I should've been a nurse...
In other news, I don't know how much good it will do now that it is getting late, but tonight is Dine for American night, when restaurants all across the country are donating $$ to Katrina relief. www.dineforamerica.org is the website that has a listing of the participating restaurants. It is pretty cool and since I am too poor to donate in any other way, Jen and I are going to out tonight. So if you can, go out and eat tonight. Then of course be home in time to watch "Lost". :-)
I am really looking foward to this weekend. We have Monday and Tuesday off for fall break, but Matt doesn't, so he is coming on Saturday and Sunday. We spent last weekend together, but never really had any alone time since we were at the new house with Mom, Dad, and Jere. This weekend we are going to have the whole place to ourselves (Jen and the dog are going to Charlottesville). I think we are going to go to the zoo on Saturday and then just do NOTHING at all on Sunday. Monday and Tuesday I am going to do work work work for school. I promise. Then the weekend after that is Matt and I's 5 year anniversary! I have to go get his present, which he is going to absolutely love. I am very excited about giving it to him.
I think I feel better now. I am not really sure. I can't really put into words how I've been feeling about this whole grad school nonsense lately. I am telling you, quarter life crisis.
*sigh*