(no subject)
Hm. It's funny. These past few years have truly been monumental in terms of my own personal growth. Come December I always think to myself "Shit, I can't believe I changed that much in a year" and I can't possibly fathom how I could change that much more, and yet it seems to keep happening.
Don't get me wrong, though, I'm glad of it. I dig change. Evolution is what we're all about, or what we should be all about...(although try telling that to certain deranged politicians) I'm happy to be, well, growing up, but I must admit that life has thrown some interesting curb balls at me lately. I kind of think that a lesson can be found in anything; should be sought, in fact, particularly when things pan out poorly, because it's the most productive way to process a shitty situation.
My rational mind thinks that, anyway. Try telling that to my emotions, and it gets a little more tricky. I gotta say I've been hurting lately, for reasons I don't care to go into. But at the same time, I've got a lot of good things going on. I can't get too sidetracked when the going gets tough, and stop appreciating the things that make it, in the very least, more bearable.
Work is going well. October 19th is my first day as manager, which is something I'll be doing once a week after that. It'll be a Sunday, and we all know how Sundays go at the Baker. Busy busy busy. But I'm honestly pretty self-assured, which is actually exciting, because when did I ever think I'd have this kind of self confidence? It's something that has definitely taken a looooong time to develop, and now I'll be put to the test. Am I nervous? Well shit, who wouldn't be. I keep thinking up a million and one scenarios that require a lot of quick thinking and maneuvering. But another part of me is actually ready for the challenge, and ambitious and eager to prove myself. It's nice to know I don't shy away from these kinds of situations any longer. It's nice to know that I feel like I can do this, and that my boss does, too. She's very supportive, and it makes a world of difference.
I've made some new friends in recent months. They've helped me rekindle my inner nerd, which I had lost touch with there, for awhile. And given that she is the whole reason I'm doing this sci-fi thing, it's kind of a big deal, even if in a small way.
Speaking of 'this sci-fi thing', I've fallen into a rut again. I hate to admit it, but I've got to figure out a projection plan. I need to set more short term goals that aren't so distant and seemingly unattainable. I've written the bare bones of this story, but I've only just begun to truly flesh it out. And as I do, ideas flood my imagination, and I just know that if I had the discipline to put them onto paper, that I could truly make something of this.
I'll share with you what I've learned so far. You don't just write a story once. You write it over, and over, and over again. You rewrite it all over the place, in sections that become disjointed. You write it so many times that it may not even remotely resemble the first thing you mananaged to churn out and pretend to call a book. At times you see it so clearly that it's all you can do to stop yourself from having oodles of beautiful metaphors spilling from your fingertips. It's a rush to be so engrossed that you forget you've been writing for hours. But then there are times when it's absolutely grueling. You force yourself to churn out halfassed sentences just to have something there, so that when you are writing better, you have something to build upon rather than nothing to go on at all.
But yah see, what starts to happen is you have sections that are more fleshed out than others, and soon you're adding things, but then you have to weave them in when they don't necessarily connect. You end up with loose ends everywhere, and paragraphs that break, so if you were to read the story it would be much like cruising along happily only to abruptly fall off a cliff, which isn't very pleasant now is it? And even though I can see how to tie up those loose ends, getting myself to do it is another thing entirely. But the more you let ideas sit idle, the more likely that they slip away.
Ultimately, I don't just need goals. I need to treat this like having a job. It needs to get to a point where I just have to do it. I just have to write my 5 pages 3 days weeks, to give an example. I need to find a way to instill that kind of discipline in myself. Let me tell yah, it aint easy.
But I still know one thing for certain. My desire to be a science fiction writer has not changed. Not even remotely. Even when I don't write, I still want to. Even when I don't feel like writing, I still want to. Even when I can't fathom how I'm ever going to finish this damn thing, I still want to. And you know what they say, where there's a will, there's a way. I think that far too often human beings forget all they're capable of. It's a damn shame.
Well, there's a look into where I stand with my life at present. While I remain restless, and eager to see the world and find my place within it, I am at the very least content with what I am slowly making for myself. I'm certainly not the best I've ever been, in fact these past couple of weeks have been rough, but that's ok.
I'll get over it.
Don't get me wrong, though, I'm glad of it. I dig change. Evolution is what we're all about, or what we should be all about...(although try telling that to certain deranged politicians) I'm happy to be, well, growing up, but I must admit that life has thrown some interesting curb balls at me lately. I kind of think that a lesson can be found in anything; should be sought, in fact, particularly when things pan out poorly, because it's the most productive way to process a shitty situation.
My rational mind thinks that, anyway. Try telling that to my emotions, and it gets a little more tricky. I gotta say I've been hurting lately, for reasons I don't care to go into. But at the same time, I've got a lot of good things going on. I can't get too sidetracked when the going gets tough, and stop appreciating the things that make it, in the very least, more bearable.
Work is going well. October 19th is my first day as manager, which is something I'll be doing once a week after that. It'll be a Sunday, and we all know how Sundays go at the Baker. Busy busy busy. But I'm honestly pretty self-assured, which is actually exciting, because when did I ever think I'd have this kind of self confidence? It's something that has definitely taken a looooong time to develop, and now I'll be put to the test. Am I nervous? Well shit, who wouldn't be. I keep thinking up a million and one scenarios that require a lot of quick thinking and maneuvering. But another part of me is actually ready for the challenge, and ambitious and eager to prove myself. It's nice to know I don't shy away from these kinds of situations any longer. It's nice to know that I feel like I can do this, and that my boss does, too. She's very supportive, and it makes a world of difference.
I've made some new friends in recent months. They've helped me rekindle my inner nerd, which I had lost touch with there, for awhile. And given that she is the whole reason I'm doing this sci-fi thing, it's kind of a big deal, even if in a small way.
Speaking of 'this sci-fi thing', I've fallen into a rut again. I hate to admit it, but I've got to figure out a projection plan. I need to set more short term goals that aren't so distant and seemingly unattainable. I've written the bare bones of this story, but I've only just begun to truly flesh it out. And as I do, ideas flood my imagination, and I just know that if I had the discipline to put them onto paper, that I could truly make something of this.
I'll share with you what I've learned so far. You don't just write a story once. You write it over, and over, and over again. You rewrite it all over the place, in sections that become disjointed. You write it so many times that it may not even remotely resemble the first thing you mananaged to churn out and pretend to call a book. At times you see it so clearly that it's all you can do to stop yourself from having oodles of beautiful metaphors spilling from your fingertips. It's a rush to be so engrossed that you forget you've been writing for hours. But then there are times when it's absolutely grueling. You force yourself to churn out halfassed sentences just to have something there, so that when you are writing better, you have something to build upon rather than nothing to go on at all.
But yah see, what starts to happen is you have sections that are more fleshed out than others, and soon you're adding things, but then you have to weave them in when they don't necessarily connect. You end up with loose ends everywhere, and paragraphs that break, so if you were to read the story it would be much like cruising along happily only to abruptly fall off a cliff, which isn't very pleasant now is it? And even though I can see how to tie up those loose ends, getting myself to do it is another thing entirely. But the more you let ideas sit idle, the more likely that they slip away.
Ultimately, I don't just need goals. I need to treat this like having a job. It needs to get to a point where I just have to do it. I just have to write my 5 pages 3 days weeks, to give an example. I need to find a way to instill that kind of discipline in myself. Let me tell yah, it aint easy.
But I still know one thing for certain. My desire to be a science fiction writer has not changed. Not even remotely. Even when I don't write, I still want to. Even when I don't feel like writing, I still want to. Even when I can't fathom how I'm ever going to finish this damn thing, I still want to. And you know what they say, where there's a will, there's a way. I think that far too often human beings forget all they're capable of. It's a damn shame.
Well, there's a look into where I stand with my life at present. While I remain restless, and eager to see the world and find my place within it, I am at the very least content with what I am slowly making for myself. I'm certainly not the best I've ever been, in fact these past couple of weeks have been rough, but that's ok.
I'll get over it.