just turn to dust
i used to be a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister, a good lover.
i used to be so many things.
and I thought I was self destructive. I thought about an underlying mental illness. I thought constantly.
and my independence and self assurance was all in an effort to grasp the happiness that eluded me.
but i am happy now
last year i was homeless and unemployed and addicted chemical happiness.
this year, while unemployed once again, i am addicted to this actual happiness
i wake up to a cigarette and a fiance and go to sleep the same way.
And in between the sunrise and sunset my days are filled with good friends, good food, good times and laughter.
I wont compromise this at all.
And the only thing that threatens said happiness is the past, a past i regret, a past that just came back.
Before Ian, there was Isaac. Everyone knows about isaac. But I think I'm the only one who wishes for some sort of amnesia to forget him. and everything that came with.
As he sat in my bedroom-mine and ian's bedroom, i should clarify-he strummed the guitar in that way he does, so incessantly, and brought up little memories from that particular past of ours. And I wanted to scream SHUT UP every time. I dont want that Isaac in my life. I want to think of him as nothing other than a friend of Ian's that I've met a few times. I want the overwhelming guilt i feel every fucking time he looks at me to go away. I want to make peace with the fact that I ruined him, and not punish myself every day. I probably ask too much-to rewrite history is a big deal. But i regret it nonetheless.
That boy broke my heart and i would take back all the good if it meant taking back the bad too. And now I have to smile and rebuild some form of a relationship for the sake of my beautiful fiance. I have to marry Ian with Isaac at his side as his best man.
I think I want to elope.
i used to be so many things.
and I thought I was self destructive. I thought about an underlying mental illness. I thought constantly.
and my independence and self assurance was all in an effort to grasp the happiness that eluded me.
but i am happy now
last year i was homeless and unemployed and addicted chemical happiness.
this year, while unemployed once again, i am addicted to this actual happiness
i wake up to a cigarette and a fiance and go to sleep the same way.
And in between the sunrise and sunset my days are filled with good friends, good food, good times and laughter.
I wont compromise this at all.
And the only thing that threatens said happiness is the past, a past i regret, a past that just came back.
Before Ian, there was Isaac. Everyone knows about isaac. But I think I'm the only one who wishes for some sort of amnesia to forget him. and everything that came with.
As he sat in my bedroom-mine and ian's bedroom, i should clarify-he strummed the guitar in that way he does, so incessantly, and brought up little memories from that particular past of ours. And I wanted to scream SHUT UP every time. I dont want that Isaac in my life. I want to think of him as nothing other than a friend of Ian's that I've met a few times. I want the overwhelming guilt i feel every fucking time he looks at me to go away. I want to make peace with the fact that I ruined him, and not punish myself every day. I probably ask too much-to rewrite history is a big deal. But i regret it nonetheless.
That boy broke my heart and i would take back all the good if it meant taking back the bad too. And now I have to smile and rebuild some form of a relationship for the sake of my beautiful fiance. I have to marry Ian with Isaac at his side as his best man.
I think I want to elope.