Jokes
Reddit had a "Post the funniest joke you know" thread going today. Lots were lame, but some were definitely worth recording for posterity. Here's what made me laugh :)
Hear about the new restaurant that opened up on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?"
A man goes to his doctor and tells him, "I've had the song 'What's New Pussycat' stuck in my head for weeks, and it's driving me crazy."
The doctor says, "Well, I think you may have Tom Jones disease."
The man says, "I've never heard of that. Is it rare?"
The doctor says, "It's not unusual."
An old man goes to his doctor. The doctor says "i got some bad news for you. you have Cancer and you have Alzheimer's." And the old man says "Well, at least i don't have Cancer."
what do you call a black guy who can fly a plane?
...a pilot, you fucking racist!
What did the Buddha say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Doug.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
A man gets home from work and sees his girlfriend standing in the doorway, suitcases in hand, about to leave him.
She's furious and says to him, "I found out you're a pedophile!"
The man says, "that's a pretty big word for a 7 year old."
What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
Velcro.
A girl and a guy are in a bar. The guy says, 'What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?' The girl says, 'But this is a nice place.' The guy replies, 'I know.'
Rene Descartes was sitting in coach on an airplane to France. The stewardess came down the aisle and asked him, "Would you like a drink?" He replied, "Nah, I think not."
And he disappeared.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
F'drizzle.
What does Snoop Dogg love about stonecarving? The chisel.
This lady with a baby gets on to a bus and the bus driver tells her "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen! ugh!"
So the lady walks away pissed as fuck not believing what the bus driver just told her. She sits down still pissed off next to a man and tells him what the bus driver just told her and the man says "You know you're right. You go back there and give him a peace of your mind! Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some asshole has stolen our tent."
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
What did the snail say when he was riding the tortoise?
Wheee!!!
Hear about the new restaurant that opened up on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?"
A man goes to his doctor and tells him, "I've had the song 'What's New Pussycat' stuck in my head for weeks, and it's driving me crazy."
The doctor says, "Well, I think you may have Tom Jones disease."
The man says, "I've never heard of that. Is it rare?"
The doctor says, "It's not unusual."
An old man goes to his doctor. The doctor says "i got some bad news for you. you have Cancer and you have Alzheimer's." And the old man says "Well, at least i don't have Cancer."
what do you call a black guy who can fly a plane?
...a pilot, you fucking racist!
What did the Buddha say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Doug.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
A man gets home from work and sees his girlfriend standing in the doorway, suitcases in hand, about to leave him.
She's furious and says to him, "I found out you're a pedophile!"
The man says, "that's a pretty big word for a 7 year old."
What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
Velcro.
A girl and a guy are in a bar. The guy says, 'What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?' The girl says, 'But this is a nice place.' The guy replies, 'I know.'
Rene Descartes was sitting in coach on an airplane to France. The stewardess came down the aisle and asked him, "Would you like a drink?" He replied, "Nah, I think not."
And he disappeared.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
F'drizzle.
What does Snoop Dogg love about stonecarving? The chisel.
This lady with a baby gets on to a bus and the bus driver tells her "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen! ugh!"
So the lady walks away pissed as fuck not believing what the bus driver just told her. She sits down still pissed off next to a man and tells him what the bus driver just told her and the man says "You know you're right. You go back there and give him a peace of your mind! Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some asshole has stolen our tent."
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
What did the snail say when he was riding the tortoise?
Wheee!!!