Sex and the University: Fast Times at Michigan State High
In case you were under a rock, which is where I have been lately, Tron came to visit. Tron, finally, we were to meet the robot known as Jason's roommate. Sara and Tron were pretty close and we had all talked to him on the phone forever so it was a bit weird and we were a bit freaked finally to meet the man of metal.
Excuse the rambling and mix of order cause I am not sure really how to start off this trip into Fear and Loathing in East Lansing.
If I were to pick a point to start, it would be in Johnny Depp's pants, I mean with Johnny Depp. I watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas recently, got a contact buzz from the movie and life was set.
So back to Tron and Jason, we had the day planned, lots of liquor before they were to come. Excellent idea. So, at 4 pm on Friday we started with 7&7s and shots of vodka. They arrived and Sara blew our cover by collapsing on the futon and exasperating, "I am so wasted right now!" Way to go, genius.
So anyway, we decided to take a trip to Applebee’s. Trip being the key word. Sara and I entered the restaurant with the paranoia only a drug person can know. With just alcohol, pumping through our veins it seemed like everyone was staring at us and maybe indeed they were. Alas, this didnt stop us from eating there or me burning Jason with a match for shitz-and-giggles.
We came back and started the night off with some booze and euchre. Pretty much, it was just us chillin' in our room, with Kyle and Jenna, until Carrie invited us over. So, we headed to her humble abode to add to the party of "chillers." I created a new drink of Captain’s and Budweiser. Then it happened.
Tron was waiting in line for the bathroom when his cheeks began to bulge like a fucking Chip and Dale chipmunk and in slow motion, Carrie, Sara, and I scream nnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! Ttttttttrrrrrrraaaaaasssshhhh caaaaaaaannn! So, Tron was kicked out of the house and forced to reside on the porch puking into a trash can. After he felt better, Sara and I took it upon ourselves to clean out the trash can, so no one would have to do it sober, so we filled it with snow and threw it at cars, made a few snow angels and just had good ol' puke-in-a-trash-can fun. When we re-entered the house, I witnessed the most cracked out thing of my life. Hearing Sara scream THERE'S A TOOTHBRUSH IN THE MICROWAVE! I turn around to watch this Oral B nuking and making it's rounds. Apparently, according to Abbey, it de-sanitizes the brush, I wouldnt try it sober.
On to Saturday, we went to the Deke house in hopes to have fun with our country boys. Such did not happen as plan but we got drunk none the less, and warmed for the hike back.
Ah, the walk back. There are certain moments at State that make you bleed green. This cold night possessed one of them. As we reached Sparty, we heard familiar noises of boys chanting “Go Green!” “Go White!” Sara and I had heard enough. We took off running towards the sounds; all good must come from this. There we met him, the man with the shaker full of Parmesan cheese. One shake and he had us eating out of, well, our hands. Then we joined his friends on the Sparty statue to sing our fight song and grope Sparty’s pleasantly crafted ass. Another shake of cheese later and we were back on our journey home.
Once we got home, we decided to have some bathroom fun and take the night a little further. This was the perfect time for Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. All seemed groovy. Then Sara, who was placed in my chair, started looking distantly into the stars. “Was she mad? Am I saying this out loud?” Next thing I know her mouth opens and releases from the pits of her stomach the booze she had been collecting. The spraying compilation of alcohol projected onto my window, into the furnace, all over the chair and onto the floor. I was mystified. “Did the vomit just freeze in mid-air from the cold of the window?” Time as I knew it had staled. “Think fast.” “Sara come quick to the bathroom,” I yell as I run into the bathroom and am shocked to see Jason with his head in my toilet. How did this happen? Is he like Bugs Bunny and can appear in two places at once? So now I had two sick bastards on my hands, “Tron dear god help me…asleep…that bastard…” After circling the room only to find our trash can over-flowing with beer cans and snot rags, I handed Sara an empty box which once contained 24 cans of Labatt Blue. There she sat, for what seemed like decades in quiet whimpering, only to be broken by either her or Jason’s heaving. Then as if I am dreaming, she sits up and looks at me. “Yes?” I say in my head, still not mastering the inner dialogue thing just yet and she says "thamake naminea jeaula stana. Jmaike sholinto.” Ah, yes of course. “You’re not speaking English,” I say as I back slowly into the bathroom where Jason lifts his head and screams, “TRUMNANI JALEPST POMAENT!” “You’re not speaking English either!” “Dear God,” I think “What if English no longer exists, and there is no one to prove me wrong, DAMN YOU TRON THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!” (For the record, Sara remembers this jibberish and it was not merely a creation of mine)Then what should my wandering eye see but a little bag, the sort of bag I see on Cops being pulled out of the pants on the half dressed white trash guy. “My God! It’s Cocaine…here in my room!” Oh wait…upon further inspection, I realize it’s just a bag of rubber bands, silly me.
And there laid my problem, head hung in my trash can in the middle of my floor Jason, asleep. I had kicked him out of the bathroom earlier as that Elizabeth, my suitemate, needed to pee and Jason's head was taking up the toilet. So, back to my problem, the reject snoring into a trash can full of bile. “Get up you crazy fool!” I yell and shake him. Then I try to drag him to the trash bags that I laid down for his bed. “Think fast this isn’t working!” I take 5 good steps back run and kick him square in the ass. Right where the tailbone ends and your butt crack begins. He flies off the trash can onto his bed and says, “Someone kicked me!” “Yes,” I say nonchalantly, “it was some random stranger.” Accepting this “truth,” he passes out, and after a little damage control, and not so forcefully kicking Sara out of my chair and into bed, I am asleep as well.
Finally the end to this terrible yet entertaining trip. I wake up at 4 the next day only to Johnny Depp on TV and realize I am alive and all is right with the world. Come back anytime Tron and Jason. But next time you better train to catch up with the State girls, cause after all, "Michigan State University will no longer be included in our annual top party schools, because we feel it is unfair to include professionals in a list of amateurs."
-Playboy Magazine
Excuse the rambling and mix of order cause I am not sure really how to start off this trip into Fear and Loathing in East Lansing.
If I were to pick a point to start, it would be in Johnny Depp's pants, I mean with Johnny Depp. I watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas recently, got a contact buzz from the movie and life was set.
So back to Tron and Jason, we had the day planned, lots of liquor before they were to come. Excellent idea. So, at 4 pm on Friday we started with 7&7s and shots of vodka. They arrived and Sara blew our cover by collapsing on the futon and exasperating, "I am so wasted right now!" Way to go, genius.
So anyway, we decided to take a trip to Applebee’s. Trip being the key word. Sara and I entered the restaurant with the paranoia only a drug person can know. With just alcohol, pumping through our veins it seemed like everyone was staring at us and maybe indeed they were. Alas, this didnt stop us from eating there or me burning Jason with a match for shitz-and-giggles.
We came back and started the night off with some booze and euchre. Pretty much, it was just us chillin' in our room, with Kyle and Jenna, until Carrie invited us over. So, we headed to her humble abode to add to the party of "chillers." I created a new drink of Captain’s and Budweiser. Then it happened.
Tron was waiting in line for the bathroom when his cheeks began to bulge like a fucking Chip and Dale chipmunk and in slow motion, Carrie, Sara, and I scream nnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! Ttttttttrrrrrrraaaaaasssshhhh caaaaaaaannn! So, Tron was kicked out of the house and forced to reside on the porch puking into a trash can. After he felt better, Sara and I took it upon ourselves to clean out the trash can, so no one would have to do it sober, so we filled it with snow and threw it at cars, made a few snow angels and just had good ol' puke-in-a-trash-can fun. When we re-entered the house, I witnessed the most cracked out thing of my life. Hearing Sara scream THERE'S A TOOTHBRUSH IN THE MICROWAVE! I turn around to watch this Oral B nuking and making it's rounds. Apparently, according to Abbey, it de-sanitizes the brush, I wouldnt try it sober.
On to Saturday, we went to the Deke house in hopes to have fun with our country boys. Such did not happen as plan but we got drunk none the less, and warmed for the hike back.
Ah, the walk back. There are certain moments at State that make you bleed green. This cold night possessed one of them. As we reached Sparty, we heard familiar noises of boys chanting “Go Green!” “Go White!” Sara and I had heard enough. We took off running towards the sounds; all good must come from this. There we met him, the man with the shaker full of Parmesan cheese. One shake and he had us eating out of, well, our hands. Then we joined his friends on the Sparty statue to sing our fight song and grope Sparty’s pleasantly crafted ass. Another shake of cheese later and we were back on our journey home.
Once we got home, we decided to have some bathroom fun and take the night a little further. This was the perfect time for Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. All seemed groovy. Then Sara, who was placed in my chair, started looking distantly into the stars. “Was she mad? Am I saying this out loud?” Next thing I know her mouth opens and releases from the pits of her stomach the booze she had been collecting. The spraying compilation of alcohol projected onto my window, into the furnace, all over the chair and onto the floor. I was mystified. “Did the vomit just freeze in mid-air from the cold of the window?” Time as I knew it had staled. “Think fast.” “Sara come quick to the bathroom,” I yell as I run into the bathroom and am shocked to see Jason with his head in my toilet. How did this happen? Is he like Bugs Bunny and can appear in two places at once? So now I had two sick bastards on my hands, “Tron dear god help me…asleep…that bastard…” After circling the room only to find our trash can over-flowing with beer cans and snot rags, I handed Sara an empty box which once contained 24 cans of Labatt Blue. There she sat, for what seemed like decades in quiet whimpering, only to be broken by either her or Jason’s heaving. Then as if I am dreaming, she sits up and looks at me. “Yes?” I say in my head, still not mastering the inner dialogue thing just yet and she says "thamake naminea jeaula stana. Jmaike sholinto.” Ah, yes of course. “You’re not speaking English,” I say as I back slowly into the bathroom where Jason lifts his head and screams, “TRUMNANI JALEPST POMAENT!” “You’re not speaking English either!” “Dear God,” I think “What if English no longer exists, and there is no one to prove me wrong, DAMN YOU TRON THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!” (For the record, Sara remembers this jibberish and it was not merely a creation of mine)Then what should my wandering eye see but a little bag, the sort of bag I see on Cops being pulled out of the pants on the half dressed white trash guy. “My God! It’s Cocaine…here in my room!” Oh wait…upon further inspection, I realize it’s just a bag of rubber bands, silly me.
And there laid my problem, head hung in my trash can in the middle of my floor Jason, asleep. I had kicked him out of the bathroom earlier as that Elizabeth, my suitemate, needed to pee and Jason's head was taking up the toilet. So, back to my problem, the reject snoring into a trash can full of bile. “Get up you crazy fool!” I yell and shake him. Then I try to drag him to the trash bags that I laid down for his bed. “Think fast this isn’t working!” I take 5 good steps back run and kick him square in the ass. Right where the tailbone ends and your butt crack begins. He flies off the trash can onto his bed and says, “Someone kicked me!” “Yes,” I say nonchalantly, “it was some random stranger.” Accepting this “truth,” he passes out, and after a little damage control, and not so forcefully kicking Sara out of my chair and into bed, I am asleep as well.
Finally the end to this terrible yet entertaining trip. I wake up at 4 the next day only to Johnny Depp on TV and realize I am alive and all is right with the world. Come back anytime Tron and Jason. But next time you better train to catch up with the State girls, cause after all, "Michigan State University will no longer be included in our annual top party schools, because we feel it is unfair to include professionals in a list of amateurs."
-Playboy Magazine