Reasons to be happy
Body: My total weight loss is now 67 pounds, 44 of which have been lost since January 4th. Now I just need a tummy tuck. Argh and yikes. I spend a lot of time in front of the mirror, intentionally integrating my new body. I have a post in my head where I want to tease apart some of my ideas about weight, weight loss, motivation and determination.
Mind: This past month has been pivotal. My emotions about what Phil did in February have followed the curve that others predicted: time will help heal. I no longer look back at that "relationship" with any nostalgia nor longing. I no longer feel any sort of connection or warmth towards Phil and in fact sum him up in three words: Disgusting, disappointing and disrespectful. D-cubed. It took me five months but I can honestly say I am a million times happier now than I'd been in the last half of my relationship with Phil. I just couldn't see how unhappy I was while on the pitch, but I realize now how much he sequestered me in all ways--physically, mentally and emotionally. In the breaking up, he broke me open. Now I take in everything the world is giving me, and I feel...like I've put on the skin I should have always been in.
Heart: Wow. I'm connecting in ways I've never felt before with my new landscape. I no longer wake up fearful about my single state, as I did post-Phil. The men I see are really good humans, even with their human faults, and nothing, but nothing, like Phil. They are generous with their emotions and with other practical things (not that this is my criteria for a good date, but I love being disallowed to ever pay for anything. The message it sends to me is that I am valued and appreciated just because I showed up.) They share themselves with me, creating emotional intimacy that I haven't experienced in 10 years. They listen to me and remember what I've told them. They see me. I am no longer invisible.
Rebirth: Engagement in my world. With Phil, and his sequestration techniques, I had zero sense of being part of the vibrancy that is this city. Now I'm out there, brushing up against this dynamic current that I haven't accessed since my student days here. It's an energy that makes me feel fantastic. I'm alive, dammit (to misquote the title sequence of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt).
Mind: This past month has been pivotal. My emotions about what Phil did in February have followed the curve that others predicted: time will help heal. I no longer look back at that "relationship" with any nostalgia nor longing. I no longer feel any sort of connection or warmth towards Phil and in fact sum him up in three words: Disgusting, disappointing and disrespectful. D-cubed. It took me five months but I can honestly say I am a million times happier now than I'd been in the last half of my relationship with Phil. I just couldn't see how unhappy I was while on the pitch, but I realize now how much he sequestered me in all ways--physically, mentally and emotionally. In the breaking up, he broke me open. Now I take in everything the world is giving me, and I feel...like I've put on the skin I should have always been in.
Heart: Wow. I'm connecting in ways I've never felt before with my new landscape. I no longer wake up fearful about my single state, as I did post-Phil. The men I see are really good humans, even with their human faults, and nothing, but nothing, like Phil. They are generous with their emotions and with other practical things (not that this is my criteria for a good date, but I love being disallowed to ever pay for anything. The message it sends to me is that I am valued and appreciated just because I showed up.) They share themselves with me, creating emotional intimacy that I haven't experienced in 10 years. They listen to me and remember what I've told them. They see me. I am no longer invisible.
Rebirth: Engagement in my world. With Phil, and his sequestration techniques, I had zero sense of being part of the vibrancy that is this city. Now I'm out there, brushing up against this dynamic current that I haven't accessed since my student days here. It's an energy that makes me feel fantastic. I'm alive, dammit (to misquote the title sequence of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt).