oh joy life
I dont think my friends know that this is the extent of me feeling “better”. I dont…….I cant feel better, because in my house there is usually only one feeling going around, the feeling of dread that one minute everything will be fine, then the next your gonna piss mom or sis or even the fucking cats off! In 42 days I will be 18, in 42 days, nothing will change. No matter how much I want it too…mom will still take my phone and look through it, still yell at me if I “swear”, still yell at me to clean my room. I know this because my Sis is 22, still living at home, and gets yelled at all the time about “who the parent is and who the child is”.
My family is fucked up at my moms house, and my dads is only a little better. At dads there isnt the feeling of dread that your gonna piss someone off, its the feeling of dread that your gonna make your stepmom (whose been you stepmom for approximately 9 years) feel like you dont love her. And the worst part is….I already did that. twice. But I love her, I really fucking do. I was just an upset preteen who thought she was trying to take the place of my mother, even though she just wanted me to trust her, and to love her. I still feel guilty, even when everything is going fine. They leave me to my own devises, they help out with show choir payments, they do everything without really questioning why I need help, or whether or not Im abusing their non-control. Because they know that Im not. They trust me, they know that Im a good kid, and they only get to see me maybe one weekend every two months or so. So if they can believe that Im a good “kid” and that Im not going to have a party with my friends when I spend the night at my friends house, then why cant my mom? My mom, who has custody, who knows the real me (well as much as I let her see, cuz I cant really show her my personality, because that sent me to a therapist in 6th grade, a bitch of a therapist) and should be able to trust me. But she doesnt. When Im with friends for the weekend or day, she makes me call her whenever we go someplace new. Now my sis and everyone else would probably say that that just means shes worried, but I dont think so. She doesnt want me to get into bad things, but I have a feeling she already thinks I do.
So joy, add family drama to the fact that I feel like I dont always fit in in this world, or life, and sometimes even family, and you have my racing thoughts all day and why I cant concentrate on my fucking AP classes. I think Im too fucked up to be a social worker, or child psychologist/psychiatrist. I have a feeling that AP Psych will help me and will make or break me.
wow, longest fucking rant in the world. well, not really, but still. you get my drift
My family is fucked up at my moms house, and my dads is only a little better. At dads there isnt the feeling of dread that your gonna piss someone off, its the feeling of dread that your gonna make your stepmom (whose been you stepmom for approximately 9 years) feel like you dont love her. And the worst part is….I already did that. twice. But I love her, I really fucking do. I was just an upset preteen who thought she was trying to take the place of my mother, even though she just wanted me to trust her, and to love her. I still feel guilty, even when everything is going fine. They leave me to my own devises, they help out with show choir payments, they do everything without really questioning why I need help, or whether or not Im abusing their non-control. Because they know that Im not. They trust me, they know that Im a good kid, and they only get to see me maybe one weekend every two months or so. So if they can believe that Im a good “kid” and that Im not going to have a party with my friends when I spend the night at my friends house, then why cant my mom? My mom, who has custody, who knows the real me (well as much as I let her see, cuz I cant really show her my personality, because that sent me to a therapist in 6th grade, a bitch of a therapist) and should be able to trust me. But she doesnt. When Im with friends for the weekend or day, she makes me call her whenever we go someplace new. Now my sis and everyone else would probably say that that just means shes worried, but I dont think so. She doesnt want me to get into bad things, but I have a feeling she already thinks I do.
So joy, add family drama to the fact that I feel like I dont always fit in in this world, or life, and sometimes even family, and you have my racing thoughts all day and why I cant concentrate on my fucking AP classes. I think Im too fucked up to be a social worker, or child psychologist/psychiatrist. I have a feeling that AP Psych will help me and will make or break me.
wow, longest fucking rant in the world. well, not really, but still. you get my drift