Gray
Some days, or weeks, or months, even in the middle of a sweltering summer, the whole earth feels gray. Waking up leads to running, leads to a shower and cereal and coffee, choosing clothes I am less sick of than others, getting ready for work, walking what seems like longer than yesterday to a desk in a windowless room where I sit for long hours answering the phone and feeling the space heater blow on my feet. I then find myself walking what seems like longer than yesterday, home in a sweat. Then I waste a few hours, go to sleep and start all over again. Everything feels like an obligation, a blur, an assembled string of dreads, some smaller or larger than others. Each is a piece of the grayness I wish would peel away, like the plastic protecting a new piece of electronics.
It is Friday and I realize the end of this cycle is about to come. In an hour, I will perform my sweaty walk, swerving from the sidewalk to grass to avoid people coming towards me where the parking meters are and speeding up in order to catch the flicker of the glowing walking man symbol to avoid waiting to cross the busy street. It will take what seems like longer than yesterday to reach my apartment. In the few hours I waste, I might spend money I don't need to spend, consume more calories than I need, not check off anything from my endless to-do list, and not turn out lights early enough to get ample sleep for an early run tomorrow. Or I might just stay home alone, (for I truely desire to do nothing) and resultingly discover lonliness as my companion. I will feel guilty about all. I realize this might very well be what my life will mostly be like for the next forty years.
I want to stay home, to sit on my couch with a novel or my Star crossword puzzle and not move. I want to not think. I also want to see color.
I suspect I wasn't made for gray.
I'm in dire need of inspiration, something to bring me joy and color. The novel I just finished didn't do it, nor did the coffee I just finished, the drugs I've been prescribed, the conversations I've had with dear friends, the beautiful pictures I've seen, running I've done lately, or food I've planned to make. I know God says that discipline and endurance are related to joy, but sometimes the idea of waiting even another second just seems incredibly daunting, especially when now seems so long and forever dark, joy shows no indication of closeness in proximity to here.
****
As it often is, my verse of the day email was written just for me, it seems. Here's what it says:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us...
Hebrews 12:1
It takes great determination to choose to lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely. Be encouraged to keep pushing onward toward those things you're supposed to be running toward, whether that's strong work ethic in a tough professional environment, losing weight, spending time in the Word, developing more mature relationships - whatever it is. Keep pressing on. Remember that the Lord is accompanying you throughout your whole journey and takes pleasure in you running towards Him.
***
And so I ask for strength and life- color I don't have. And I prepare to walk what will seem like a long way home.
It is Friday and I realize the end of this cycle is about to come. In an hour, I will perform my sweaty walk, swerving from the sidewalk to grass to avoid people coming towards me where the parking meters are and speeding up in order to catch the flicker of the glowing walking man symbol to avoid waiting to cross the busy street. It will take what seems like longer than yesterday to reach my apartment. In the few hours I waste, I might spend money I don't need to spend, consume more calories than I need, not check off anything from my endless to-do list, and not turn out lights early enough to get ample sleep for an early run tomorrow. Or I might just stay home alone, (for I truely desire to do nothing) and resultingly discover lonliness as my companion. I will feel guilty about all. I realize this might very well be what my life will mostly be like for the next forty years.
I want to stay home, to sit on my couch with a novel or my Star crossword puzzle and not move. I want to not think. I also want to see color.
I suspect I wasn't made for gray.
I'm in dire need of inspiration, something to bring me joy and color. The novel I just finished didn't do it, nor did the coffee I just finished, the drugs I've been prescribed, the conversations I've had with dear friends, the beautiful pictures I've seen, running I've done lately, or food I've planned to make. I know God says that discipline and endurance are related to joy, but sometimes the idea of waiting even another second just seems incredibly daunting, especially when now seems so long and forever dark, joy shows no indication of closeness in proximity to here.
****
As it often is, my verse of the day email was written just for me, it seems. Here's what it says:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us...
Hebrews 12:1
It takes great determination to choose to lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely. Be encouraged to keep pushing onward toward those things you're supposed to be running toward, whether that's strong work ethic in a tough professional environment, losing weight, spending time in the Word, developing more mature relationships - whatever it is. Keep pressing on. Remember that the Lord is accompanying you throughout your whole journey and takes pleasure in you running towards Him.
***
And so I ask for strength and life- color I don't have. And I prepare to walk what will seem like a long way home.